I know IABU but I can't stand my friends since lockdown

[Nowomenaroundeh]

So this is sort of light-hearted but can anybody relate?

My friends' eccentricities, quirks, annoyance, general flaws have become intolerable to me. And yes I know when the common denominator is me then it must be me!

I'll start by saying I have a few different circles of longterm friends, obviously I'm closer with different people within the groups.

As these friendships span decades there have always been minor personality incompatibilities that were overlooked for the sake of the friendship / social circles; the friend who is tight and I always feel a bit scammed, the friend who is bossy and controlling, the friend with opposing political views, the passive aggressive friend, the competitive friend, the perpetuallyaggressive drunk friend etc.

I know i am far far far from perfect myself. I know i am lucky to have a big circle of people around me and a decent proportion of them would (and have been) there for me in a pinch whenever I needed them.

But I find myself incapable of bothering with practically anyone recently.

Aside from lockdown there have been various other changes in my life; I am passionately engaged in my new business and free time is very precious, I really value my family time, I've recovered from an aggressive illness and have a different perspective on just how finite life is, I've buried a family member and am reflecting on how we only get one shot at it all.

I used to always show up and make time for other people even when I didn't especially enjoy the experience. Now I'm giving a flat "no I don't want to" more and more.

Will I regret this? These people are in my corner. When times were hard I knew I could turn to them if I ever needed to. I've basically become fiercely protective about my own limited free time.

AIBU to continue like this and believe this is simply growing up and prioritising life commitments?

You are not being unreasonable to feel that way but I think long term you will regret avoiding your friends. better to focus on their positive traits than just their flaws.

there’s a balance between saying yes to everything and refusing. also if someone declined my invite with “no I don’t want to” I’d be a teeny bit offended. You could always say you’re busy with work but you’d love to come to the next one. I don’t want to is what my 5 year old says and I correct him. It’s quite rude.

I think you’re realising your life balance was off before, but I don’t think cutting out your good friends is beneficial in any way.

Sounds like you're just busy with your business, don't think lockdown has anything to do with it.

I have definitely done this with some friends, I am far less tolerant. I too had a very stingy friend who who got a calculator out to work out lunch she had it up paying 75p less and she is pretty well off. I no longer can be arsed. However I have maintained about 5 very close friends and a few other people but did sack off about 10 people for various reasons.

I have found fomo has reduced .. that makes us more selective.. plus age .

You are overdue a friend declutter.

There is no requirement to tolerate people who display aggressive, judgemental, or competitive behaviours.

I have five friends and each of them are wonderful. Life is too short spend with anyone who makes you unhappy.

Totally agree with you about the stinginess I absolutely cannot be arsed with that but just be aware that when you need someone you might have pushed everyone away

no ones perfect as you say, remember to your friends you are the ‘something’ friend - the one who’s always too busy to talk, the one who just talks about her business (just examples !) . this is true of all of us.

also be aware on here there are a lot of people who don’t have friends at all and are low contact with family believing their kids and partner are all they need. All Kids grow up and need you less and less and I don’t personally believe it’s healthy to only socialize with your partner. What if things go wrong in your relationship? You see on here all the time things happen and OP says ‘I have literally no one to help me’. Nothing wrong with prioritizing yourself but I do think making time for others and being helpful when needed can be so beneficial in many ways not all of them instantly gratifying. Going a bit under the radar for certain periods of time is normal. In my friends group which is small but close, i will sometimes not hear from someone and just leave it for a while, a few months later they pop back up to wanting to catch up, and they’ve had tons of personal reasons for doing this. Absolutely fine. Or friends have needed a bit of help with childcare or with time to chat about mental health or with running an elderly parent to appointments for a couple of weeks during a particularly trying period of time - again I help out, it’s not forever and it’s repaid in some way. That’s how friend ship works.

Good friendship is valuable, don't run away from it. Having friends you can count on is a must, true friends that are here when you need them is everything.

How old are you OP? I’m struggling with small talk since the pandemic.

I'm with you on this one OP.

I really really missed people and human interaction during the harshest parts of lockdown(s) but I'm well and truly over that now and my tolerance for BS has all but disappeared - what would have been minor 'quirks' that I used to overlook are now huge irritants - to the point that I have already mentally cut ties with 3 friends and distanced myself from another 2.

I'll land up with no friends at all if I keep going like this but tbh I'd rather be alone with my cat than put up with rubbish company.

Same here... I think it's age and lockdown did bring out the real traits of people, I have a a few friends that I am dodging and making excuses to not see.
I saw a side to these people in lockdown and I realised that they are selfish self serving and rude. Really put me off them .
Your life is short make the most if it and spend time with people you love. But don't be rude

Oh I'd posted a reply but it didn't seem to upload.

The crux of it anyway - this is the first time (possibly in my life) I've considered whether I want to do something as opposed to should I do something when making a decision.

On reflection I don't actually say to friends I don't want to but I think it.

I've always felt that relationships and friendships require nurturing, you need to put time and effort into them, it can't all be on your terms or when you need people around you there will be nobody there.

I still believe that in theory but I can't be bothered.

Time seems so precious these days. I scheduled a day off to meet a friend three months ago as a late birthday celebration for me. She behaved like a spoilt teenager. This is not unusual but my reaction was - I've refused her attempts to meet up since. I'm drained and I don't have the bandwidth for any of it anymore.

I want to be around a smaller number of people whose makes me feel good and who I feel aligned with - that's not supposed to sound so wankery, I'm just pretty clear these days on how I want to live my life and I'm not going to justify it.

Can anyone relate?

As I’ve got older my criteria for a friendship worth making an effort with is a friend who would never deliberately say something mean to me. I grew up in a family who make a lot of passive aggressive digs when tense and inevitably ended up with friends who did the same. When the kids were little & my emotional capacity was low, I realised it made life harder to see these people and spent time with friends who didn’t do that. They may upset me or say something that triggers me but they never say anything with the intention of making themselves feel better by being just a little bit hurtful. I can relax and enjoy their company. I’ve also told my family that as I get older I just want to spend time with people who are kind to me and they’ve stopped attacking me so much as well! As a consequence, I’m living a much happier life.

@Nowomenaroundeh I kind of agree, there are certain people to a degree you have to put up with work colleagues, close family ( just annoying or boring typenot the toxic type)
but you can outgrow friends especially when the friendship is based on something in common that is no longer true, you all went to XYZ uni or worked for Q & Sons Ltd, or you all liked fell walking / cocktails/ karoke or were all pregnant at the same time or lived in same village but now you don't
Close friends that generally nurture you and make you feel good should be retained as they are the ones that will help in rough times and hopefully vice versa most people have only a handful of really close friends ( about 5)

there is no need to go to a concert because everyone else is going if you don't want to I only have so much energy money and time not all of it is in my control I have to work, look after DD I mostly enjoy these but have to do them regardless
my free time money and energy needs to be directed to suit me most of the time not other people who would not reciprocate

I understand this but not sure what the solution is. I've got small kids, busy job and am often exhausted in the evenings. I often feel like I'm spreading myself too thin so since Covid I just stopped. I still meet up with a few friends locally related to my hobbies but have accepted trying to keep up with other groups of friends s just not for me right now.

I definitely feel the same to a degree but can't work out if it's due to the last 2 years events or age (mid 50's) bit of both maybe 🤔

I think a lot of us can relate! @Nowomenaroundeh

The pandemic has brought out the best and worst in people, myself included 😂

So many people I used to tolerate who I just can’t be arsed with anymore. And I’m fine with that.

The thing is, your friends should make you feel good about the world and your place in it. If your friends don’t do that then it’s reasonable to say that you’ve had enough. Now that I’m middle aged I’m not so up for taking other people’s bullshit.

Perhaps see them in a group for a bit - then you haven’t actually dropped your old friends, you’ve just diluted them.

@Nowomenaroundeh i completely relate and came of here this evening to feel out the same topic. At times I feel a bit meh when I see things on social media like huge birthday bashes, everyone smiling etc but I realise I could have that life I just don't want it. I always felt rubbish after big nights out and put up with other people's selfishness and catiness just to 'be out' because that's what you're supposed to do 'have a social life'. Its a case of finding peace with a shaven down social circle. I'm there but sometimes have my moments.

I have a group of 'friends' , a BF in particular that I have completely drifted away from during the course of lockdown, I could go into specifics about why I don't want to 'work' on getting the friendships back to where it was but the reasons are similar to yours. Now I hang out with/speak to mostly my mum, my sister in laws and go for a pram walk with two acquantices who I can have deep and meaningful conversations with. I can't do this with my old friends or they're just not that interested/deep.
I don't see them particularly often but I get more from an infrequent meet up with them then I do the social gatherings with my old group of friends. You saying you had an illness that has made you change your prospective and want to live life this way which has reaffirmed things for me and my choices right now so thank you for sharing. I was having a bit of wobble hence coming on here but you have reaffirmed that it's quality over quantity and living a true and content life. I just need to stop letting comparison take over sometimes ☺️

I was the same when I hit my forties. A pandemic, sick parent and peri menopause means I've stopped giving a lot of fucks about people and their petty issues. It's liberating. Enjoy!

Sounds pretty normal to me. After recovering from severe illness, with limited time and energy, and a death in the family, your perspective shifts. You mention also a new business. All of this requires energy and what little free time you have should be spent pleasantly. Also, as you get a little older and your priorities come into greater focus, there is less energy for bullshit that fucks you up.

I'm with you op, I can no longer be bothered with some friends. However, I have met some new friends recently whose company I really enjoy.

So I think it is more like I no longer tolerate certain stuff that I would have tolerated before.

I can definitely relate, but also can’t work out if it’s me or them. I feel like COVID / lockdown made everyone more self-centred (understandably) but this made people act in certain ways that still feel a bit inexplicable.

I had one v long term single friend who decided not to dial in to Zoom to see my son’s christening - literally half an hour of her time - and it really hurt given how much I’d tried to keep in contact with her to keep her spirits up during lockdown. Another one, similar circs, who I haven’t heard from for 2 months since I told her my household (including 3 under 5s) all had COVID and were struggling. Not even a ‘hope you’re recovering’ text 🤨

These are very old friendships that I assumed I’d have forever, but I’m now questioning whether they’re still worth my time or whether we’ve outgrown them / covid has changed us into being less compatible 🤷‍♀️

Somebody upthread used the word decluttering, I love it! I'm glad I'm not totally alone feeling like this. I guess while I'm not sure the motive behind my feelings it's best to do nothing drastic.

I hear you OP - I've recently stepped back from a friendship of c. 15 years because a series of events showed me that it only continued because I did ALL the running, at friend's convenience rather than mine! It's really quite liberating. Also frees you up to spend time with the really good eggs, or just concentrate on your own things, which is lovely.

I've been thinking about this more.

Sorry for the dripfeed.

It's one friend in particular (the one who's tight). But while I'm processing my feelings about her (I've always found her incredibly advantageous of people but in nearly 30 years never considered cutting her out of my life) other people keep swimming into my head. It's like a whirlpool of irritation.

I fully appreciate that I have my things that bother other people and friends. What's different is knowing I am just as bad doesn't change my feeling now that I want to remove myself.

My partner recommended a weekend festival thing to me he came across. It's full of stuff I'd like but wouldn't especially be his thing and he suggested he mind our DC and I have a nice break for myself. He then began suggesting friends I could invite. I have this overwhelming desire to go alone and that's what I'm planning to do. I don't know if anyone would be available but I don't even want to ask, I simply want to get in my car and be there either on my own, with my DC or with my partner.

I never thought there would be a time that I would feel like this. I've always been really sociable and thought it was massively important to have a network beyond your household. I'm not introverted. I know many people are introverted and there is nothing wrong with that. I also know that other people approach friendships differently to me (I'm a more put the work in and you'll reap the rewards longterm).

I feel strange that I'm not acting like myself and I'd rather just go alone that compromise to anything whatsoever with another person.

Even as I sit here thinking I could just text one friend, say I'm going anyway if she fancies it is filling me with irritation at the prospect of her taking days to respond. I mean that level of intolerance (mine) can't be right.

I wonder is it menopause making my tolerance levels negligible. Or did lockdown give me a sense of peace?