I know IABU but I can't stand my friends since lockdown

[Nowomenaroundeh]

So this is sort of light-hearted but can anybody relate?

My friends' eccentricities, quirks, annoyance, general flaws have become intolerable to me. And yes I know when the common denominator is me then it must be me!

I'll start by saying I have a few different circles of longterm friends, obviously I'm closer with different people within the groups.

As these friendships span decades there have always been minor personality incompatibilities that were overlooked for the sake of the friendship / social circles; the friend who is tight and I always feel a bit scammed, the friend who is bossy and controlling, the friend with opposing political views, the passive aggressive friend, the competitive friend, the perpetuallyaggressive drunk friend etc.

I know i am far far far from perfect myself. I know i am lucky to have a big circle of people around me and a decent proportion of them would (and have been) there for me in a pinch whenever I needed them.

But I find myself incapable of bothering with practically anyone recently.

Aside from lockdown there have been various other changes in my life; I am passionately engaged in my new business and free time is very precious, I really value my family time, I've recovered from an aggressive illness and have a different perspective on just how finite life is, I've buried a family member and am reflecting on how we only get one shot at it all.

I used to always show up and make time for other people even when I didn't especially enjoy the experience. Now I'm giving a flat "no I don't want to" more and more.

Will I regret this? These people are in my corner. When times were hard I knew I could turn to them if I ever needed to. I've basically become fiercely protective about my own limited free time.

AIBU to continue like this and believe this is simply growing up and prioritising life commitments?

This is so interesting @Nowomenaroundeh I feel the same. I think my social muscle atrophied over lockdown.

I’ve always tried to maintain old friends with friends from school etc but have shed a few and it’s very freeing. I think it was turning 40. I just cannot deal with The Stingy Friend or the Emotional Vampire Friend any more. I have 2 young kids and a full time job - I can’t justify wasting my limited free time on people who fuck me off.

Tell me more about the two friends @Gennz18 please (I love the descriptions). I think I need some sort of exorcist. If I started ranting about stingy friend, the thread would max out.

I posted another about another friend about a year ago and the replies were unanimous that I was a fool with her.

I'm starting to wonder if I have some hangups about struggling with a social circle in my youth and I've spent a couple of decades now ensuring that I have a perma-huge gang of mates.

Or I'm simply really lazy and self involved now.

Yes this is me exactly.

I've sacked off a couple of very close 'jellyfish friends' who I thought I'd never want to be without.

Just absolutely sick of never knowing what I'm going to get from them: cool indifference or occasional warmth and joy.

Can't be arsed anymore.

It's not since the pandemic for me, but always.

I don't have huge energy so I save it for my family and my career. But my closet friends also happens to be family alsi so it's a win/win there.

I don't like to be 'needed' so really back away from anyone who comes on too strong.

Strangely, the more aloof I am, the more it seems to attract people.

I'm always amazed by how much energy other people put into friendships. Surely it shouldn't be too hard anyway?

Stingy Friend has always been incredibly tight, is also quite thick but a know it all and has a tendency to hold forth on various subjects she knows nothing about. She has always been like this since I’ve known her - 30 years - we used to tease her about it - but I just can’t handle it any more. The last straw for me was my 40th birthday party - I pushed the boat out a bit and put in a big party with catering, bar etc at our house. The whole day before she was bombarding the group chat trying to organise a free lift because she couldn’t possibly pay for a taxi. Ffs. This friend & her husband just bought a $$$$ boat. They can afford to pay for a cab.

Emotional Vampire friend makes me a bit sad as we were best friends from 5, flatted together at uni & in our 20s. She was always quite needy though and am emotional rollercoaster. She never met my kids or took any interest at all (was single through her 30s), we would make plans to have coffee or whatever but she would stand me up and text hours later saying sorry she’d taken the dog for a walk - but then on the rare occasion we’d go out would get really drunk and cry and accuse me of cutting her out of my life. I was a lonely and tired and hardly saw anyone between work and home!! I wasn’t cutting anyone out! After that I just couldn’t be fucked pandering to her any more. Then she met someone and they seem to have a very all encompassing relationship. She didn’t make it to my 40th and sent me quite a dismissive message which made me decide to draw a line under it once and for all (the 40th really seems to have been a catalyst 😂 - for the avoidance of doubt I’m not a total diva, they were both just so punishing about it in their different ways)

I do still have some friends left, honestly 🤣🤣🤣

Part of the problem is mutual friends.

I have three friend groups of 5-15 people, and some of them are just bleh. Not bad, just bleh. I did something I've been waiting a long time to do at the weekend and chatted about how excited I was (everyone knows how much I love this), and I think I can sum up who is important to me by who responded and followed up.

But if we plan a get together it has to revolve around faffing about with the needs of up to 15 people, only five of whom took two minutes to acknowledge my excitement.

Harrie same. I stopped chasing people. Yes op I think focus on the good friends. I dont like meanness either in friends.

I feel the same. Lockdown made me realise the flaws in friendships and how some weren’t the friends I thought they were. My best friend of 15 years has actually spent the last few years patronising and judging me and it wasn’t until I saw her again after lockdown I realised she isn’t a nice person. I think it’s good to like your own company but don’t isolate yourself so you have nobody to turn to when you need support or advice. You don’t have to be in each other’s pockets but occasional contact is good enough to maintain the friendship but from a distance. I completely understand how you feel though I would prefer to hide under a rock than spend time with friends these days.

I agree with you but actually lockdown in general has changed a lot more about my perspective.

I actually enjoyed not having to see anyone, meet up, host people over lockdown. It was less stressful and made me realise how I enjoy my own company and don't need all the social activities.

These days I like the idea of living like I'm in lockdown. It's probably a bit sad and says that I'm a total introvert (also antisocial??!)

@maxwellsilverhammer when you say sacked them off did you inform them of such?

I'm engaged in such a pretty behaviour right now. I am watching myself aghast. I have an insanely self entitled (the aforementioned tight) ungrateful friend. Everyone else has it easy apart from her. Nobody else will sort things out for her. The opposite is literally true. She is working the hours she wants in a role that she wants taking on only the tasks she wants for a friend of hers. She lives in an incredibly affluent part of the city rent free with another friend.

This is the way, always. I am sick of her taking advantage. I put a post on my personal Facebook page which was a bit of shameless market research about my new business. Lots of people posted useful and informative replies. Most people ignored it obviously as it was pretty boring. I liked everyone's comments and replied to them all individually. A day or two later she replied to my post, a completely irrelevant answer to my question basically ranting about inhumane working conditions and unreasonable rent (nothing whatsoever to what I asked about). I can't even bring myself to like the comment. I keep thinking how mad i would be seeing it if I was either of the friends employing her or housing her completely at her own convenience.

Because her reply resurrected the thread more people responded to the original question and I've gotten back to them so it's glaringly obvious I've ignored her. I cannot bring myself to click like. Petty I know but the comment infuriated me.

Yes me. I have a lot less friends after the lockdowns, mostly my doing which was once unthinkable. But I'm left with healthier friendships. Quality not quantity. And wow I feel so much healthier and happier for it.

These were people that I was blind to in their behaviour only one I have missed. But she brings too much drama and I don't think she can change.

How old are you OP? You mention a 30 year friendship. I am late 40's and feel like this and have put it down to getting far less tolerant with age and perimenopause. I feel like we have all accumulated baggage along the years that has probably made us all (my group of friends and I, I mean) more irritable, annoying and less patient! Having said that I did have a minor crisis recently and they were there for me which I was very glad of.

It sounds to me like you haven’t been selective enough until then. Maybe you just didn’t stop to think about whether you actually have a nice time with these people.

I see exactly where you're coming from OP, I feel very similar but not sure if it's lockdown or just changing priorities as we get older. Either way I just cant be arsed with flakiness and unnecessary drama, one or both of which several of my friends/family/colleagues seem to specialise in.

I dont feel I want to create more drama myself by actively 'ditching' anyone but I've mentally pulled back and have much clearer boundaries about what I will and wont let stress me these days.

Yes I have JOMO now (joy of missing out) 🤣

Instead of tolerating their behaviour and sucking up their snide digs to me I started answering them back.

They slung their hook in response to not being able to treat me like that anymore. Wish I'd done it sooner.

You seem to think maybe there's something wrong with you for feeling this way but if I read your description of your friends in your OP, they just sound like rather awful people. None of my friends are stingy or bossy or mean drunks etc etc. If asked to describe them I'd say they're all lovely, that's why we're friends! Any flaws are really minor.

I agree you need a friend decluttering and to just be more selective about who you spend time with. I don't think this is about who you are as a person, I think you just need better friends.

So this is the bit I'm struggling with - if I take Tight and Self Entitled Friend as an example:

She drains me, my bank balance, my emotions, my spirit and withdrawing from the friendship is perfectly reasonable.

Except she hasn't changed. Her behaviour was always (to her mind) perfectly acceptable so why would my reaction change?

She will feel very hurt and really I played a part in it all by always being annoyed with her and never addressing it directly.

I think you explained well why your reaction might be different now, after everything you've been through, and it totally makes sense

I guess what I'm saying is that the way you feel now is a much more normal reaction. It's not that something is wrong with you now for feeling this way. It's very natural not to want to spend time with awful people. So the question is more, why did you put up with it for so long before?

You keep saying 'I'm not perfect either' which makes me wonder if you're too hard on yourself and thus not hard enough on other people

See I'm going to go slightly against the grain here OP:

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such but I do think this is part of a broader phenomenon which has affected a lot of people during and after lockdown in which they have become more reluctant to socialise in various ways.

There's a range of things going on here, some of which are positive and some of which are a bit unhealthy and its sometimes hard to unpick this.

I totally understand that this has given people a new perspective on their social life and made them take stock and weed out people who no longer bring value. All reasonable enough.

I also think its reasonable and necessary to be more selective with your time and prioritise the things and people you care about. I have to do this myself because I'm a single mum with limited childcare so I can only go to a fraction of the things I'm invited to.

But I'm slightly suspicious of this trend which lockdown has really given a voice to, where people have total free reign to be quite intolerant of their friends about fairly trivial things. You see posts all the time on here from people celebrating their reluctance to see people, saying things like: "I can't be arsed to have new friends" and "can't be arsed to make the effort". Or, even worse: "I only need my husband and children." There seems to be a desire to celebrate the closing down of worlds and social circles and I think its fairly unhealthy.

I think its a fine balance. Of course no-one should push a friendship beyond its natural life or feel they have to attend the dropping of a hat just for the sake of it. But I think if we become really rigid and restrictive of our friendship circles we ultimately end up hurting ourselves by narrowing our world view massively.

Its family for me im doing without and i feel so much better for it.
Drains and radiators.

Very well put @Thepeopleversuswork

You've articulated my concerns well. And where will it end? I will do a massive cull of people who seemingly no longer bring value then look around and see myself in a massive vacuum and miss the days when I had people to shoot the breeze with and laugh.

It's a balancing act for sure.

I was upset after the last meeting with Tight Friend which wouldn't be particularly unusual but I couldn't shake off the feeling afterwards. I resented everything about it; the time I set aside, the money I spent (on myself, I remain alert constantly that I don't inadvertently end up paying for her), driving across the city to collect her as she doesn't drive, the interrogation about my new business and justifying keeping overheads down. It is like mentally arm wrestling with a teenager.

There is a part of me that knows the right thing to do is to be clear with her. But the bigger (winning) part is saying I don't want the complicated painful conversation, I don't want the friendship to be deeper or closer. What I want is to focus my energies on my family and o want friendships which are good company and uplifting to complement that family life, not replace it.

@Nowomenaroundeh

FWIW in your case I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable and in the case of this friend it sounds as if you've been tolerant of this for too long. So I think your instincts are fine. I have plenty of friends in this category and I think forced removal from these sorts of friends has actually helped many people get perspective on this sort of behaviour.

My remarks were really more general about this broader trend that a lot of people seem to have succumbed to (and which I don't think applies to you) which is to really revel in being antisocial and cutting off as many people as possible.

I think there's been a lot of mental stress and dislocation over the past few years which a lot of people still haven't got their heads around.

I feel like I really relate to a lot of what you are saying, as I have let go of quite a few friendships recently, but I do feel lighter for it.

For me what it comes down to, is, did you come away from that friend feeling lighter and energised? Or did you come away ruminating and vexed in some way?

I still have people in my life who I feel energised by but I'm much better at spotting the ones that drag me down. I have two friends who I've never been overly close to, but they are local and we've always seemed to get on well (they don't know each other).

Last time I saw one of them I realised just how narcissistic they are - talking on and on and on about their high powered job and how high powered and stressful it is. She literally never asks about me or thinks to wonder if my job (working with suicidal teens) might actually be stressful sometimes. I don;t think she even knows what I do.

The other friend I've known for a decade, I know all about her life and her job, where she works, what her role is. She doesn't know anything about me because she never listens. When I try to talk she talks over me. I'm a CAMHS practitioner (please don't hate me!) and I'm tired of my commute and she said I should make links with primary schools for learning mentor jobs. Learning Mentor is a really valuable role, but it's not my job. It has nothing to do with my job. I have a Master's degree in my job but she doesn't even see me as a professional because she doesn't listen when I open my mouth.

I like both of these friends on the surface but I'm tired of them sucking me dry with their tales of their own lives while they talk down to me like I have absolutely no idea what having a stressful job is like.

Wow, I needed that. Thank you for comnig to my TED talk!

YANBU OP!!

Oh @maxwellsilverhammer your two local friends sound pretty dire 😞

I think that people like you who are very giving (let’s face it, you have to be pretty special to work with suicidal teens) can inadvertently end up with very selfish friends. Your tendency is to give and theirs is to take.

I did laugh at your description of the one who never asks questions and so on. I have a local friend like that too. She has a small level of self awareness so occasionally stops herself and says, And how are you? so credit to her for that. But she doesn’t want to know, we both know that. There is value in the friendship as she is local and we enjoy the same things and have shared experiences but no, it’s not a high quality friendship.