To get a cat if visiting family are allergic?

[chatterbug22]

We are considering adopting our first furry friend, ideally a cat due to our busy working lifestyles.

It is all I can think about! We have done our research, spoken to people with cats that we know and contacted a local rescue, and they have approved our home check for one indoor cat.

My mum had a cat for years and took antihistamines daily but is very allergic to them and saying she would rather we didn’t get one as she couldn’t visit if we did.

Of course it’s a big decision and commitment, I hate the thought of my mum/family never visiting us and feel a bit selfish if they were unable to because of a choice I made.

Thoughts??

I think the people saying "my x has a allergy and comes over once a week after a tablet and it's fine" are very nieve. After a visit to a house with a cat my child would need to have all clothes washed including shoes and coats, her face, hands etc, she would take an antihistamine before she leaves and still have sore itchy skin and eyes the next day and several after. My best friend got a cat and we now don't go there and yes it's hurt the relationship. Yes I feel cross that she'd get the pet knowing that we would be unable to visit anymore or if we did we would be left uncomfortable, I think it's pretty selfish to expect me to always host or to invite knowing full well we can't accept. I don't think you're that close if you'd get one knowing this. She comes round once a week not once every other month.

Not many people have a reaction of such severity though, HiJenny35

It doesn’t sound as the OP’s relatives are like this. So one of the less affecting breeds of cat might work out fine.

i suppose you'll need to decide what your priority is - visiting family or the cat. It's your home and, if you want a cat, I'd get one but accept that some people might not visit as a result. If you would be upset if people don't visit because of the cat, then maybe the cat isn't the right decision. Would a hypoallergenic breed make a difference? That might be a middle solution.

I myself wouldn't get an animal if someone living in the house full time had to take medication or suffer because of it, but your mother doesn't live with you so you can find other ways to meet up.

Not quite the same scenario but we discovered my mum is allergic to my cats after I adopted them. Even though we had a cat when I was younger for 19 years and she was fine.

She takes an antihistamine before coming over and while not 100% it's manageable.

I guess it depends on how allergic your mum is and whether you want her to spend significant time at your house.

The only thing we could thing of for my mums allergies is our family cat was long haired and my girls are short haired, so we suspect she's allergic to the oils rather than fur.

@HiJenny35 - OP's mum has had cats herself in the past so the allergy can't be that severe!

Well I wouldn't get anything that meant my mother couldn't visit my house but it's your life and your choice. Expecting her to just chug antihistamines, grin and bear it is not on though.

As other posters have mentioned, these allergies can get more severe as you get older. I've never considered myself allergic to cats but here, in my late 40s, all of sudden I have a terrible cat allergy. Apparently it's not that uncommon at my age either. No fun at all.

@coffeecupsandfairylights not necessarily true. Sometimes living with something you are mildly allergic to dampens down the allergy for a while but when you stop it rebounds - or comes back stronger. And some cats/dogs produce stronger reactions than others.

We used to have a pet rabbit when I was little, which eventually had to go as it was making my asthma worse. Since then my allergy to rabbits is life threatening.

My mil is allergic to cats and dbil has one.

Mil allergy has got worse in severity in time, what was a take an anti histamine before going to the house is now take an anti histamine before having anyone with a cat come to visit her house , and people who have cats have to put on clean clothes and she still feels exhausted and unwell later

It started as would just take an antihistamine, as she aged it then became can't spend the night there, to can't go in at all.

DMil now can't step foot in dbil new house . This means she's never been able to baby sit in the house, go round for dinner, attend any of the functions at the house eg kids birthday parties. She's never set foot in her grandchildrens bedroom etc

There's distance involved for us so popping into see them in the garden isn't too attractive but even with that as she gets older she needs to enter to use the toilet more etc which she can't do. S

It's frustrating for us because it means any care needs for dpil get passed to us as they've not been able to stay there to recoup from operations etc and dbil has to arrange child care, cat care etc to come to pil.

Prior to the cats dpil would often spend a few nights in the summer, and often spend a week or so just playing with the grand kids etc but that's obviously stopped now

When they got the first cat it was excusable as they didn't predict the severity of allergies increasing with age, and the toll antihistamines can take on older people, when they got other cats following that it was hurtful.

I doubt my dpil have ever said anything but it has really impacted their relationship with dbil family and it comes across as purposefully excluding them

I have major animal allergies. I have family members who chose to get pets which is perfectly their right. They know about my allergies and they know I won't visit with the allergies.

The only thing that annoys me is that they will plan a family event or invite me over or want to host family celebrations / holidays and then be irritated when I decline. Often these celebrations will end up being hosted by other family members without pets so everyone can attend and they take that personally that no one wants them to host. I am always happy to get together at other pet free locations.

I would say get the cat as it is with you everyday and will give you the pet experience year round. But do not pressure or guilt or complain when your mother doesn't visit. Accept that if you want to visit, you need to go to her.

God,that's a bit shit,isn't it? 😢

get your mum in a room with a cat to see how her allergy is now. If it’s low and antihistamine work ok I’d consider it. If it’s not then I wouldn’t. You see her a lot and that will drop if you have to go to hers. Sorry but there’s no way I’d put a pet I haven’t got ahead of my mum.

Well, it's up to you. Do you want a cat full-time, or do you want your mum to visit you once a week? Because you can't have both.

People telling your mum to just pop an antihistamine have no idea what it's like living with allergies, and also seem to be naive of the fact that your mum will react differently to different cats. They're not all the same. You won't know how badly she reacts until you get one, and if she comes round to see you, you will be actively making her unwell.

If you're happy to always visit your mum (and she's happy to always host!) or to meet your mum away from your home, get the cat.

If you ever want your mum to visit your home, don't get the cat.

No compromises, I'm afraid!

Incidentally, if I spend time with a cat, there are knock on impacts for days and days afterwards. It's bearable as a once off, but I couldn't live like that full-time.

get the cat.
it’s your house. I don’t plan my life around people not in it daily.

I think its naive to think that only meeting in coffee shops, at hers, outside wouldn't impact your relationship.

Especially as if a cat lives 15 years, what age would your mum be? As dmil got older the ability to meet outside in the cold decreased and the ability to spend the afternoon out, accessibility slowly decreased. Realistically now she's hitting the later 70s she doesn't want to sit for hours in a garden

The cat dbil has now will out live my dmil.

We have recently moved house because the layout of my old house meant my elderly parents struggled to visit. It meant that I suddenly realised that theyd never come round for Christmas morning, and that I wasn't able to host family events involving the whole family but also couldn't do basic things like look after them when they were coming out of hospital.

I wouldn't if my mum who saw us once a week was really allergic. Maybe consider a dog that has hair and not fur? But test it first

It's your house, your families life, you do what you choose. We have friends with cats, and my hubby is very allergic to them. One family has a longer haired cat, DH more allergic to this cat than the other hand witha short haired cat. Also long haired cat family not so familiar with the hoover, might whizz it round the floor before we come round. Family with short haired cat clean regularly (was going to write obsessively, but that felt a bit extreme) DH very little reaction when we go round. But then they vacuum chairs and sofas as well as floor so no where for cat hairs to be hanging around. So yeah I'd say if you want a cat that's your families choice, but there are things you can do to make things more comfortable when they are at yours. And get some anti histamine in in case they forgot to take any before leaving home.

If your family who live with you want a cat, I think your Mum is quite selfish to suggest you don't get one.
You don't get to decide what other people do at home.
Is there a room (conservatory, dining room) you could keep the cat out of that your Mum visits you in.
Pets are joy, get a cat (and a dog?).

we have a (non-shedding) dog and my SIL is v v v v v allergic. She is v understanding and in return we do everything we can and accept some inconveniences. We allow time for a deep clean before she visits and keep dog out of living room. Have blankets to cover a chair that he is NEVER allowed on (he does come on sofa with us normally) so she has somewhere untouched to be, and make sure we are stocked on antihistamines! We obviously keep him away from her. We go to my brother and hers more than they come to us because of this, and get dog sitters. When we go on big family holidays we don't take the dog (even if it's a dog friendly walking one we normally would have taken him on). She isn't coming over every week to do childcare or anything though. She is understanding and also likes that my nieces and nephews get to play with the dog as obv they can't have one. I wouldn't not have the dog, but I think it's reasonable for us to be slightly inconvenienced to make her comfortable too as she is a human (and was here first haha!)

Some of the advice on here is from people with very mild allergies and may be of no relevance to your situation. I have severe cat allergy. Anti-histamines don't touch the sides and neither does hoovering, cleaning, or opening windows. On a good day I can manage an hour max in a house which has a cat but I will take 2 days for my breathing to stabilise so I'd only do that when otherwise well (i.e. not with a cold as that is such high risk of chest infection). I don't know how severe your mum's is but you are risking her not being able to come to your house at all for the life-time of the cat and 2 years after. It really depends on whether that bothers you. If she's local and you are prepared to always visit her instead then maybe not too much of an issue. If she lives some distance away and can never visit again I guess it will have more impact? My sister decided not to get cats as never being able to visit her was not a price she was willing to pay. I'd not judge someone who effectively excluded me from their house as I also see the appeal of cats and would get one in a heartbeat if I could. But I would want people to be realistic about what it means for our getting together.

I honestly wouldn’t consider getting a cat in these circumstances, I think it would be really mean and it sounds like your instinct is telling you the same. Even if your mum was able to take an antihistamine and grin and bear it through puffy eyes with the cat being kept away from her when she visited, I think that would be a really shit basis on which to decide to get one.

My face swells up with cat allergy. When l had my allergy testing, cat allergy made my whole arm swell up. The only way of making it bearable for an allergic person is not to have a cat.

Apart from wheezing, sneezing, puffy itchy eyes ( they totally close up) l feel so ill with it too. Anti histamines have never done much for it. Neither has cleaning a house. Just sitting next to someone with cat hairs on them can set me off.

Get the cat.

On the practical side, get a HEPA air purifying machine and put it on for several hours in a cat-free room before she visits. Also try not vacuuming directly before she comes as this can suck up allergens from the floor and spit them out into the air. Wooden floors are better than carpet. Damp dust.

Maybe think about adopting an older cat, but even a 7 year old could live another 12 years.

I wouldn't get a cat in your circumstances. My DD has a severe cat allergy and it's misery. She often doesn't know when visiting people if they have a cat. Even if it's outside she still has a reaction to its fur or dander that's left in the house. We had dogs, poodles, and she was fine with those. If I was the allergic mother, I'd be hurt that my DD put me in danger of a severe reaction.