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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bathing with kids

89 replies

mummasaurus · 12/05/2022 18:33

My dad is keen to be a hands on grandad to my DS, and when he comes to stay (long drive so stays 1 or 2 nights) he likes take care of the evening routine and putting DS to bed. This is great and I'm appreciative of the help, the only thing is my dad gets in the bath with DS. I'm not sure this is appropriate though, especially now that DS is getting older, 6. Keen to understand others views on this

OP posts:
youdothemaths · 13/05/2022 12:15

Absolutely not OK in my book.

fluffycereal · 13/05/2022 12:18

Have you never considered communicating with your dad? It's really strange that you ask others views on grandparents bathing with grandchildren rather than ask how to approach the situation. I see you have not visibly returned to the thread though...

ComDummings · 13/05/2022 12:20

Inappropriate.
Also completely disagree with posters saying ask your son - children struggle with boundaries and saying no sometimes. As a parent it’s our job to be putting those boundaries in place.

collieresponder88 · 13/05/2022 12:22

No not at any age definitely not

Stade197 · 13/05/2022 12:24

I would not allow this, there is no need for them to be sharing a bath

As others have said, you presumably don't go in there so how do you know what is going on in there? As much as you may trust family, it is often family that abuse children so you never know what could be happening

Just be straight with him and let him know that as DS is getting older you want him to start bathing alone

hopeishere · 13/05/2022 12:55

I wouldn't want this. I've never bathed with either of my children even when they were small.

fluffycereal · 13/05/2022 13:04

ComDummings · 13/05/2022 12:20

Inappropriate.
Also completely disagree with posters saying ask your son - children struggle with boundaries and saying no sometimes. As a parent it’s our job to be putting those boundaries in place.

Absolutely agree with this. It's worrying that anyone would think it reasonable to place the responsibility of a 6 year olds safety on to the 6 year old.

Mischance · 13/05/2022 13:10

Just tell him!! Why are you hesitating?

Tell him that your son is at an age when he needs to understand boundaries and social niceties, and that he is at risk of abuse if he learns that nakedness is OK with anybody.

Be firm, tell him you will do bedtimes from now on when he is here. No arguments.

Glitterblue · 13/05/2022 13:39

I wouldn't allow that, it's inappropriate. My parents wouldn't dream of going in the bath with any of their grandchildren even when they were tiny.

I do have a friend who used to shower with her son until he was 12 which I found very wrong.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 13/05/2022 13:45

No, no, no, no, no!!!!!

That’s incredibly inappropriate.

I have a 5 year old and neither of his grandparents would want to have a bath him!

I feel horrified.

DrManhattan · 13/05/2022 13:59

Wtf is wrong with people. Just gross

NewandNotImproved · 13/05/2022 14:21

People should not be sharing their own stories about bathing with kids, for obvious reasons.

OP you need to educate yourself on safeguarding and teaching your child about consent, boundaries, bodily autonomy , who gets to see him naked, etc. This so beyond dodgy, and never should have been allowed.

NewandNotImproved · 13/05/2022 14:28

Do not accept any blustering or bullshit from your father about this, like ‘why ever not?/your mummy won’t let us have special bath time together’-absolutely not.

Advocate for your child. Don’t ever allow anything like this to happen again.

Despinetta · 13/05/2022 14:32

I'm very relaxed about nakedness generally and grew up in a country where it's quite normal for generations to sauna together etc, and even I wouldn't be ok with this. Also unless you have some sort of giant hot tub, I struggle to see how it works. Just no.

housemaus · 13/05/2022 14:40

I'm generally relaxed about nakedness, grew up in a very naked house, think the PP upthread who said they've never even bathed with their own children as babies is a bit odd.

But I would not be comfortable with this.

It's just not necessary - the majority of 6 year olds is more than capable of bathing alone (with supervision). As it's so unnecessary, it makes him doing it feel very weird, and that would get my antennae up.

summersnear · 13/05/2022 16:51

Wow. Just read this and it made me recoil in horror at the thought. I literally can't think of a way anyone would dream this is appropriate. Why does he have to choose this particular thing to help with? Can't he help by playing a game or reading a book or something? Just the thought makes me cringe.

zingally · 13/05/2022 17:07

No, it's not appropriate. If your DS went into school and said, completely innocently, "I had a bath with grandad", it would raise some eyebrows.

Baths, where both parties are naked, is strictly a parent/child thing. If he's just helping him from the sidelines, with parents permission, fair enough. I used to love my grandma giving me a bath, because she had flannels at her house that would stick to my chest, and I thought it was the funniest thing. But she'd never have got in with me!

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 13/05/2022 18:15

I have multiple dc and have never bathed with them. Never would have occurred to me to sacrifice the one place I could lock a door and have some peace! Don't think my dc have missed out not seeing me naked!

Testina · 13/05/2022 18:25

Absolutely no fucking way.
I’d raise an eyebrow at a grandparent bathing a 6yo - but sitting naked in the bath with them?

OvaryActions · 13/05/2022 21:02

I agree with everyone else, I can't imagine a GP bathing with their GC at any age tbh but at 6 it's just way too old to be sharing... for one thing, if your bath is anything like mine, I can't imagine how an adult would fit in with a 6YO!

If I were you I'd just say that now he's getting older and more independent that he showers/bathes by himself.
Well, actually if I were you I'd have said no (or eewww) the first time it ever came up, but that's not helpful to you now.

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 13/05/2022 21:18

NO WAY! This is a safeguarding and welfare issue as it is completely inappropriate behaviour.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 13/05/2022 22:34

My MIL bathed with ours, can't see any issue tbf.. however your kids your rules

Original poster
mummasaurus · 14/05/2022 07:22

Thanks everyone for your comments, especially to those who offered advice on how to handle it in future, as many said it is an awkward conversation to have so I really appreciate the advice there.

For those asking why I would post the question on here, I see this platform as a community that supports mums, and it's very useful to understand the general consensus outside of my own family bubble. Parenting is so complex, and this platform has been invaluable to me in that way.

For clarity on the safeguarding flag, my father raised me and I have no concerns about abuse, the bathroom door doesn't really block sound and I can hear what is said in there. My concern was around nakedness and boundaries, especially as DS is getting older.

Our bathroom has a separate shower and I often take the opportunity to shower when DS is in the bath - purely because I can relax knowing there isn't devastation being caused somewhere in the house whilst I'm in there! Perhaps that is one reason why I've let it happen.

OP posts:
Mischance · 14/05/2022 08:55

I think that your conversation with your father needs to be very clear that you are not making any accusations, but that you simply feel that, now your son is a bit older, it is no longer appropriate. It also needs to be clear that this is not open for discussion - it is a decision. I presume your OH will back you up on this.

Make it clear that under no circumstances is he to say anything to your son along the lines of... "Mum won't let me bath with you any more." You need to pre-empt that and make sure he does not say anything similar that might cause tension and argument.

Good luck with this sensitive conversation.

It is a very difficult situation as frankly it is very odd that your Dad even wants to do this, but I guess you need to find a way of vetoing this without succumbing to the temptation of saying "What the hell were you thinking about doing this anyway!?", which is what I would be wanting to say! But I am sure you wish to avoid a family rift.

Mally100 · 14/05/2022 09:00

Just because you can hear what might go on, doesn't mean you know for sure what can't be seen or done silently. I'm not for a second saying anything else is going on, just that you are being very naive in thinking that you are there and can hear from being a closed door, that it is all fine. In any case, this is very inappropriate. Your ds is 6yo and would be bathing by himself anyway. Why does an adult need to be in the bath with him. Sorry that just sounds all kinds of wrong.