Soo to be husband using my previous depression against me for custody

[AdifferentGoat]

I'm curious to know if anyone else has faced this. I have filed for divorce but my husband is trying to gain full custody re my toddler daughter by stating I'm mentally unwell. Yes, I suffered from depression/PND but since then, I have attended therapy every week and also I have a good job and have been promoted. I'm just wondering whether anyone else has faced. My lawyer tells me to not worry but I can't help but worry. I suppose looking for reassurance 😕

*faced this. Also he's "incredibly busy" so I'm rather unclear as to why he is pushing for full custody. He states he has "evidence". My lawyer thinks he is trying to scare me as he's worth far more money than I am. I am inclined to believe lawyer but I'm still very scared. There is nothing I have done that I believe makes me an unfit parent. I struggled with drinking in midst of PND but even so, it wasn't a prolonged period and since then I'm fine re alcohol. My own psychiatrist just believes I had serious PND. As mentioned, since then I have a great job + promotion and I found a nice one bedroom for baby girl and I. I'm just really disheartened by the tactics he is pulling and finding it hard to sleep.

PND is really common. I don’t think trying to claim that makes you unfit in some way, particularly as you’re recovered, would go over too well.

Why on earth would he go for full custody? To punish you for leaving him and starting divorce proceedings? I’m sure experienced people will have lots of great advice to offer but I don’t think a malicious request for full custody would be looked on kindly either.

How often does he look after the child now and has he been very involved since birth?

Also to add, try and have confidence in yourself. This mysterious ‘evidence’ probably doesn’t exist and sounds like he is trying to freak you out or exert some control. You know you’ve done well since suffering PND and know your parenting. So believe in yourself.

Thank you for response. He doesn't want me to leave him so I suppose this is his way at getting back at me? My own lawyer thinks its lip service and he is just trying to scare me into not leaving. However it is worrying for me. He knows my little girl is my entire life. Also, if it helps, I'm in US and our daughter is American via passport (her dad is). I'm not American but moved here for his work many years ago.

It's just so unkind he is pulling these tactics. I am the one who is the full time parent for our child. Further, now that I'm working, yes we have a nanny but I'm still the main caretaker. I let him know we could have shared custody but he seems to want to go full throttle. He is a good father (I cannot let my upset feelings towards him prejudice reality) but him pushing for full custody when he is barely around makes no sense.

He has watched too many American TV Shows. That is not how courts look at 'custody' in this country.

Here its about the best interests of the child and maintaining a relationship with both parents. They much prefer that you come to an agreement via mediation. Mental healthy is much better understood these days and your ex claiming you are mentally ill isn't good enough. Your medical records will show that is not the case. And even it if was that still doesn't necessarily mean you can't look after your children.

Your lawyer is right. Try not to worry about it. Its a scare tactic

When she was born, he was too busy. He took some time off to be with us but most of it was letting me know that it was a "sacrifice" and he hoped I "appreciated it". These days he will take her out here and there but all of child rearing ie cooking food, taking her to doctor etc, it's all left to me. I have had to take time off from work when she was ill (she wasn't happy being with nanny) but he was too "stressed" to deal with little girls sickness. However on same note, he is the "fun" parent.

I'm in US and our daughter is American via passport (her dad is)

Oops sorry I posted before your updated. Ignore my previous post as I know squat all about custody in whatever part of the US you live in and my post is entirely on the assumption you are in the UK

Thank you for advice. I know you are right and technically I should know better but it's very hard as I'm shocked this is the man I married. Well, I suppose, shock is the wrong word. I just wished my gut feelings hadn't been right. I didn't actually have a concrete reason to leave him (aside from insane busyness) but something didn't feel right and it seems my gut instinct was right. The way he is acting with me now makes me see he is a narcissistic controller but I was too devoted to see it. Now I have his family members calling me around the clock, stating I'm ruining the family and to give him a chance etc. Funnily enough all his friends messaged separately saying: About time! It's so weird how reality catches up to you. By the way, there is no drama from my end. I just wanted to move on. However he won't let me but guilt trapping. I just need to learn to not let him get to me.

Also, if it helps, I'm in US and our daughter is American via passport (her dad is). I'm not American but moved here for his work many years ago.

Ah, might be going for full custody because that would then mean post divorce you would not be able to renew a conditional green card and be deported out of the US. Please tell me you’ve been married more than 2yrs and have a permanent green card?

Unfortunately it is a common tactic used by controlling men.

He has lost control over you, so he is going to try to use the only thing he has left, which is your child. He is very nasty.

I know its difficult not to worry, but please try to. If you can (and if it helps) try to think of him as a weak, pathetic, cowardly excuse of a man, who would use his child, just to attempt to control you and cause you distress.
Don't let him.

From the sounds of it, you are a brilliant, independent, fabulous mother. Listen to your lawyer.

Sorry you married a sadistic bully OP, congratulations on your divorce.

He’s trying to upset you and get your attention, basically. A judge will see right through this. Stay calm, listen to your lawyer, and take things one day at a time.

In a way this behaviour is good, as he’s proving how absolutely correct you were to leave him.

(I wonder how much of a role his personality played in your depression - if I was married to a guy like this I’d be drinking too!)

Thank you for message. I have a permanent green card. He's just pulling tactics to scare me. To be frank, I'd take her back home but I don't want her to lose contact with her father. Even if I can't stand him right now. What he is using against me is my memories and how much I loved him. However, I'm so very glad to be hopefully be ridding myself of him. What a waste. My daughter is the best thing that came out of his too low hanging testicles. Sorry if I'm being crass but this man has been on a rampage to get into my head. He should be relieved I'm leaving him and now he can be very free to be as busy as he likes but turns out, leaving him is sacrilegious haha!

So it’s interesting that whilst you were together he felt your mental health left you safe enough to look after your child because it was to his benefit but now he can use it as a way to control you, he has changed his mind. If he genuinely felt you shouldn’t have custody of his child, he wouldn’t have let you do the overwhelming majoring of the childcare up until now either.

Really. Don’t sweat it. Your lawyer is right.
I was in the US with my first non-American husband who did not have a green card. I was granted sole custody simply because he took off to live in Paris with a dancer (achingly cliché). He wasn’t even present throughout the divorce proceedings. It all worked out in the end. He got his shit together and became a really loving dad to DS… from a distance but still, he tries and that has to be enough. DS is 20 now and his dad spent Christmas with us this year. We’re all in the UK.

Anyway, it’ll never happen OP. Don’t even worry. They’re not going to traumatise your child by tearing you apart from her. God, more than half the children of divorced parents wouldn’t have mothers in their lives if PND played a part in deciding custody! I had dreadful PND which my (second) ex husband used against me ALL THE TIME!
Yep! I’ve got two ex husbands.
It’s cats from now on! No third husband ever! 😆

Thank you for kind response. Yes, sadly, I saw far too late how controlling he was. Funnily enough, approximately one year ago I posted about him but in a different context. At that time, he was obsessed with not understanding why his colleagues didn't congratulate him as he'd like. Well, how times have changed.

I think he always assumed I would be his shadow. It is an awful thing to state but I think he liked the idea of me but he never loved me. That much is clear. He loved idea of me but once I came into my own, I threatened him. I thought he'd be relieved I would leave but no. Suddenly he's madly in love and can't bear idea of me away. Well fuck him. I'm out. Everything he is doing now makes me so happy I'll never have to wake another morning with him typing away into his phone. He thought I was stupid and unable to survive without him. I just loved him and now I see, I'd rather be alone with seventeen thousand cats for the rest of my life than with him. I know I spend very angry. I really am. He wasted so many years or rather I did...simply by hoping we could "get back to us". What a fool I was. But at least I can move on now and hope to never ever ever be entangled with such a horrific man.

You sound strong and certain and I love the low-hanging testicles phrase!

It’ll be ok, keep your nerve and listen to your lawyer. It’s great you are keen to keep the relationship with him and your daughter steady but are also refusing to be pushed into something that is not in yours or your daughters best interests.

Haha thanks! To be honest, in retrospect, if you were married to a man who wanted you to handle his "Instagram profile", would you not want to inject tequila into your bloodstream? I never had a issue with alcohol or any kind of mental illness until I met him. However I blamed myself for everything! Honestly when I think back to even my first post on mumsnet.com, I am appalled by how swept away with him I was.

These days when I have tequila, it's with good friends over a laugh vs miserably crying because my husband is never around. Honestly, I'm so excited for life without him. I never thought I'd see this day. Naturally it's scary and that's why I love this site. It's wonderful to have a place to openly talk.

Well fuck him. I'm out

Yes! There you are. 😁

You're starting to see him for who he truly is. A low life.

If you have a shit hot lawyer, listen to them and follow what they say.
He may get shared custody with you, but that doesn't mean he gets to dictate your life.

I would start to plan your defence.

Mentally unwell? - saw doctor, took medication, underwent therapy. No support from DH- he took no time off work - he clearly wasn't worried about your ability to look after the baby then.

@Discovereads fair question, but the OP is ok for residency and will not get kicked out, even with a divorce/less than 2 year green card through marriage (which sounds like it is not the case anyway). She had a baby in the US, and that in itself gives her status, it is known here as having "an anchor baby", and will entitle her to residency through her child. He sounds awful OP, so sorry you are going through this. I am a Brit abroad in the US, with a US husband and children. I can't imagine going through what you are. Lawyers are so expensive here and I feel that people can make insane claims in lawsuits with no ability to substantiate them. PND is incredibly common, he is just trying to scare you, and though it is working, you are smart enough and strong enough to not want to be with a complete narcissist who is trying to bully you. Stay strong, for you and for your child x

He appears to consider it evidence of poor MH that you want to leave him OP. Not sure most judges would give that much credence.

what’s her favourite toy?
when she is scared what soothes her?
what colour does she like to dress in?
what is her favourite food?
what is her favourite game/jigsaw/singalong/tv programme?
what did she get for her birthday tea?
what’s the name of the nurse at kindergarten or the paediatrician’s?
what did she get from whom at her birthday or Christmas?
when does she go to bed?

ill bet if your lawyer asked him all that in court he wouldn’t know most of it.

Please be confident that your MH is managed, you do the bulk of the care so he clearly doesn’t have any concerns about you up to now, and you want her to have a good relationship with both parents and family. Honestly why would any judge not agree to shared custody or resident with you with good access for him? I’m sure in US the best interests of the child are paramount too. I know you’re worried but you are giving him too much headspace. 💐🤗

As he is apparently very busy and important who does most of the childcare for the child? I bet I can guess.

I know it’s easier said than done but try not to listen to what your solicitor is saying: they’re right to not be too worried and they’ve dealt with shitheads like this before.

I have been in more or less the same situation as you where my previous/current mental health issues were chucked about as a weapon by my ex in family court. It didn’t work in his favour as my medical records backed up my account that while I struggle with MH difficulties at times I do everything I can to help myself and make life better for my children and I. My ex could make no such claim about his issues. He also looked like a right dickhead when he accused me of having drink and drug issues in the weeks and months leading up to me leaving and insisted he had proof and when I agreed to a hair strand drug test, it showed that I was basically teetotal. His proof never materialised 🤔 I would bet that your ex doesn’t have proof at all of what he’s saying, and even if he thinks he does, it won’t be the slam dunk he expects.

They all pull this stunt and it never works. Their arrogance makes them think they're being clever, but they just look like twats and court hear it every day of the week and just roll their eyes. Fret ye not. He won't get any mileage out of that one.

This is such a heartwarming response. With every question, I knew exactly answer and sadly, he doesn't. He doesn't even know what her favourite meal is.

And thank you, I have no plans to rob her of a father. I'm happy with joint custody and of course ensuring she has access to her paternal family. Sadly, he is fighting me at every step. However as many said, my records do not state any kind of issue before and since my diagnosis, I have done everything my doctor has said and since then (thankfully) am recovered.