Soo to be husband using my previous depression against me for custody

[AdifferentGoat]

I'm curious to know if anyone else has faced this. I have filed for divorce but my husband is trying to gain full custody re my toddler daughter by stating I'm mentally unwell. Yes, I suffered from depression/PND but since then, I have attended therapy every week and also I have a good job and have been promoted. I'm just wondering whether anyone else has faced. My lawyer tells me to not worry but I can't help but worry. I suppose looking for reassurance 😕

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm in exactly your shoes. I never denied I wasn't doing well during PND but since then life has been pretty normal and nothing else happening. In fact like yourself, I said I'd be happy with any kind of "test" if that was a concern. Of course then his tune changed and suddenly I wasn't an alcoholic, I was now a narcissistic person and I used alcohol to draw "attention" to myself. Nothing about this makes sense.

I NEVER had a issue with any intoxicant nor mental health issues until I met him(and several years in). Again there is nothing wrong with anyone having strife but he just wants to "pinpoint" some blame on me. I have no interest in robbing him of his daughter but God's sake , he can at least be involved.

What he holds against me is I suppose he thought I was foolish/dim (sad to say). I wasn't always this way but I did become so. It took having a daughter to wake up. And now he doesn't like what he sees. But it took me even longer to understand that this man would only "love" me as long as I abided by his rules.

I'm in US and our daughter is American via passport (her dad is). I'm not American but moved here for his work many years ago.

I'm in the US and divorced.

He cannot use MH against you. Your lawyer is correct.

With every question, I knew exactly answer and sadly, he doesn't. He doesn't even know what her favourite meal is.

My exH turned out not to know the birthdays of three of the DCs.

He got EOW visitation.

What sort of visitation arrangement is normal/legislated in your state of residence?

If I were getting divorced today in the state I live in, exH would get 50-50, sadly. The normal arrangement at the time of my divorce was EOW and that is what he got.

Your exH's accusations will be waved away by the judge and you will get whatever is normal in your state wrt custody and visitation, child support and maintenance unless your STBX is currently in prison for attempted murder of your child.

I believe it is 50/50 unless their is a overwhelming reason as to why not. I also am entitled to 50% of his wealth HOWEVER I sincerely just want enough child care to help support our child. A part of me wonders because I'm so angry, I'm not being reasonable. I believe he is trying to go with the instability card as to ensure I am kept to the side. I know very well now and with a good lawyer and a whole more confidence than I ever knew in last several years, well I know my entitlements but, I don't want to see my little girl witness myself and her father entangled in arguments. Again, this is not my choice. My ideal world would be he is part of her life, and so are her grandparents etc. I have no interests in fighting. My lawyer thinks he is trying to scare me, which he is but I do know better now. However forgive me for just venting. I need to get my emotions out.

*there is an overwhelming

I think it will look bad that he is using it against you.
Make sure you have evidence that you engaged with doctors etc to get yourself well.

Thank you. I have. Second I knew I was depressed, I went to doctor. Following this I got pregnant (good pregnancy) but I got PND around month 4 but even so, I went to my gyno who recommended me to a doctor and I followed all the steps. Thankfully am recovered. In retrospect I don't think PND was my problem. I think I was a accumulation of issues re my marriage. But everything is easier in retrospect. I know I shouldn't worry and even my lawyer says so, but it's so hard to see that the man who was once love of your life can put you through crap that mine is putting me through.

I suppose I just need a place to vent.

He’s using every weapon he can, he’s a desperate man.
Honestly, it will make him look bad,

Thank you. Your words comforted me a lot. Writing here is my outlet. I know he always looked down on me re how my education wasn't as "high powered" as his and neither have I reached the levels he has. I never saw that as a problem and he always said he loved me for me. And in fairness, when we did fall in love, that was the case. However the higher up in station he got, the more insufferable he became. So I assume me and my lower standard living person are leaving his low hanging testicles and he can't bear it. I think he wanted to be a hero in all of this and for me to feel ashamed. I used to care what people thought (or worry too much) and he used all my good points against me for my worst. He knows I'm very empathetic and he knows I'd never want to hurt someone and he used that against me via stating I was "ruining" him which in turn would be followed by him telling me all the ways I was intellectually inadequate to him and it's a good thing I had my looks. I feel so ashamed to think I wasted years on this man.

Everyone who warned me he would get nasty was right. He has. But I'm following advice from my wonderful lawyer and keeping my head down re work and taking care of my beautiful baby girl. I hope it's okay I use this portal to just vent.

You didn’t waste years on him because you have your child. Be kind to yourself 💐

Thank you. My sweet girl is the love of my life. I think ultimately I'm angry at myself (as I stated I'm in the place where I need to vent...does that make sense?) I feel I wasted my youth on him, my years and my loyalty. I'm not old by any measure and besides it isn't about age but I really believed for so very long that I was so incredibly lucky to have him but truth me told, he was fucking lucky to have me. In me he had a very supportive partner, someone who adored him unconditionally, I always understood where he was coming from even when he was being a right idiot (you can see from my previous embarrassing posts). And you know what, it still wasn't enough and he bloody hurt me and I hurt myself by searching for love in a man who just simply never loved me.

Apologies for how heated I am sound. I know I'm leaving him, I know I'll move past this but it hurts so much.

OP well done on how far you have come, you’re amazing and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Just my opinion but tbh I would go for 50% of his earnings if that’s the law where you are. The reason being you need to think of your daughter and her future. Put the money aside for any further education she may go into to save her from having to pay back student loans. You could also save it for her for a house/apartment.
You never know he may father several kids in the future and then your DD may go way down the pecking order.
Best of luck and stay strong.

He will not get custody, I have been involved with women with MH issues on the most extreme end of the scale and some had lost custody of their children. You are a million miles away from them.

I wrote an example of an actual behaviour but though it was years ago it would be unprofessional to discuss someone. These women were extremely unpredictable, sometimes addicts, often violent and extremely childlike in their reactions. They had no idea how to assess risk. They were a genuine danger to themselves and their children because of their lack of judgement. All of them to a woman had suffered as children and young women in a way that is unbelievably horrific. I am not a MH professional but was involved with a project.

Rest assured there is absolutely no way he will get custody.

Thank you so very much for kind words. Writing here and reading all the supportive words from the wonderful women on this forum has transformed me. Initially, I was a martyr. I think part of that is really thinking that somehow we could make it work. But truth is, I helped him get where he is. I was always there and I shifted my life (again my choice) but nonetheless my entire life was to try and make him happy because that is what I thought love was. But I'm done being a martyr. He thinks I'm a weak willed woman who will simper to him and fight for nothing. But not anymore. I will stand strong and ensure I get everything my daughter and I deserve. The one thing I will not change is his access to her and his family's access. I will never use my daughter as pawn. But I will most certainly not accept defeat when it comes to him. If he wants to get nasty, so be it. But it won't shake my anymore even though it's the most heatbreaking thing I have ever faced. He was the love of my life. And look what's he done to me. Just goes to show, when a person shows you his true colors, believe it. I was too naive. But I hope to change that. Thank you ladies for letting me vent. As you can see, I have so so much I need to purge so I can slash this idiot out of my existence (emotionally). As I mentioned, I will always respect him as the father of my child but my God, to think this is the man I married, if naive could write, mine would have a novel. I'm really just beyond shocked at my lack of judgement.

No. He had no concerns then. I was a full time mummy. I cooked, cleaned and took care of little bubba. There was no concern then. Even as I said I was unwell. No. No concern. House was clean, food on table and baby well fed. But even so, it wasn't enough and I am "simple" and couldn't reach his levels even as I edited a lot of his work and brushed up behind him. He always saw me as lower. Even when I tried to give him advice re his employees and importance of placing more value of work achieved vs hours, to my husband I was a "drama queen" who didn't understand the corporate world. And further with some new hires, there were issues re their incorporation and my idea was to just let them learn each facet of the company and once they were comfortable to move on to the next step but no, that was right either. He viewed everything I said as critique. Even when a few of his employees came to speak to me and say they were struggling. I of course kept their identities confident but let my husband know that it was important to understand where people were coming from and play on strengths vs just focusing on "late hours" and besides these were employees, they don't have shares in business and what not, so let's be realistic and not be unfair. But no. He wouldn't hear me out as I'm not "experienced" like him. I'm average and don't know much. Well fuck him.

My average self is moving on fast without him.

*wasn't right either

Thank you. This is very good to know. My lawyer also said the same but of course, as you can imagine, I cannot stop worrying. I know logically he cannot take me away from my daughter but just the potential renders me sleepless. He has a lot of money and influence. I know law prevails but still, it's hard for me to sleep at night. My baby daughter is my world. To think he would threaten to take her when I said half custody is so hard to hear. Logically I know he can't but with the money and influence he has, my mind is going haywire. Sorry friends, I know I'm rambling a lot here but I just need to get this words out so I can be clear headed. I hope you don't mind my rambling too much ❤

I'm in the US and in a no fault, community property, bifurcating state. One thing to remember if you are in a NF state is that he cannot stop you from terminating the marriage. Another thing to remember is that in some states you can 'bifurcate' a divorce. This means that the marriage can be terminated and that the finances and child arrangements continue to be negotiated. If you haven't, ask your lawyer if either of these apply to you. If he's going to be an ass (and he is) it may be to your advantage to bifurcate. Community property is pretty simple, everything acquired during the marriage belongs to both of you, regardless of who earned what, who paid for what, and whose name it is in.

As far as finances, please don't write off your share of the marital assets, especially if you are in a community property state. Maybe you feel you don't 'need' them, but DD is entitled to them and they will make her life more comfortable. By that I mean that making yourself more financially secure can only mean a better quality of life for her.

Your MH is not truly going to affect child custody, as others have said. You had PND and you had a period where you drank a bit more than you should. The bottom line is that you sought help, you listened to your 'team', you followed their instructions, and you no longer have a problem. In the end this is what a judge will be looking for.

This probably will not stop STBX from dragging up things you'd rather forget. His point is to make you as unhappy as he possibly can. I'm sure his lawyer has advised him against this as it's a real double edged sword and can make him look really vindictive and nasty, especially since you got the help you needed. So you're going to have to steel yourself for that and for most likely having to respond to it. As far as what is 'normal' custody, that varies widely from state to state, county to county, and, frankly, judge to judge. Your lawyer can tell you how things usually 'work' in your area.

Listen, he doesn't really want 50/50. He wants to make you look and feel horrible. He wants to cause you pain because you dare to see him for what he really is and say it out loud. You refuse to stay in your little box as part of his 'brand'. And so you must be punished. That's what this is all about. So you stand tall, see him clearly, listen to your lawyer, gather RL support around you, and you persist. Because that is what we do. We persist and in the end we get, if not everything we want, we get what we need.

You can do this.

I don't want to see my little girl witness myself and her father entangled in arguments.

As you seem to have accepted now, unfortunately this is not within your gift - your ex is going to be as difficult as he possibly can be and will give absolutely ZERO thought to the negative effect that his behaviour will have on your daughter. So as others have said you must go for everything that you are entitled to - firstly because not doing so will do nothing to improve his behaviour and secondly because you are going to have to (continue to) look after your daughter and her needs yourself, he will not think of her but only of himself. I imagine that at the moment you struggle to believe that he doesn't really care about her and would be capable of not taking care of her financially at least but look at how he has behaved to you. I'll bet you'd never have believed that at one time either! Sorry its come to this. Hope for the best but expect the worst. He sees you as his enemy now, don't forget that.

You are going to be entangled in arguments and he is going to create arguments where none exist.

There will be accusations - look for the word alienation to feature in your life for many years to come. He will try to abuse you by filing motions against you.

So you might as well go for it now and claim every single cent you are entitled to. You are not going to make him play nice by playing nice yourself. Rolling over will only encourage him.

It might well be that by putting on a show of knowing your rights and demanding them that you will teach him you are not to be tangled with.

I have no interests in fighting. My lawyer thinks he is trying to scare me, which he is
Yes, he is trying to scare you.
What he is doing is abuse by court, and this is not the end of it.

Post divorce practice is where the real crazies come out of the woodwork.

Make sure you get a mediation clause inserted in your divorce / custody agreement. He (and you ) will be bound to engage in mediation should a conflict come up. You need to have this airtight - if unable to agree on a counselor/mediator, the parties will ask the court to nominate a service and both parties will pay equally to use it. Family court judges often have a list of qualified counseling/therapy/mediation services they refer people to in cases of high conflict, both pre and post divorce.
Ask your lawyer to give this matter some detailed thought.

Your H will look like a churlish, litigious bastard intent on making work for the family court judge if he refuses to include a mediation clause.

Going straight to motions of contempt against you for alleged breaches of the custody or visitation agreement, or items in your agreement related to consultation and mutual agreement on issues that come up, or issues he fabricates, should not be an option for him.

You should also insist that in cases where the parties cannot agree on counseling or therapy or mental health services or SEN assessments or medical treatments or dental treatments for the child, the mediator will be consulted, both parties to participate in good faith, and if mediation results in stalemate, one or both parties can apply to the court for the appointment of a guardian ad litem to represent the child (GaL will be paid on a 50-50 basis).

Thank you so very much for this. I have noted everything you said and will be approaching my lawyer re where I stand. Since posting my update, I have changed my stance. I'm not going to melt quietly into the night. He is trying to scare me and sadly, it worked for a while but it is not going to work anymore. I'm more than happy for him to come forth with "evidence" against me. I know I have nothing to hide. And further, if he decides to play dirty as he is, I'm sure judges/court will hopefully see through it. Ultimately when it comes down to it, I'm the main caretaker of our DD. He has yet to take any day off when it comes to her, even when she was very sick. Further, he never accompanied me to the doctor even when I was doing very poorly. He just hasn't been present but I was too caught up in making excuses for him. Thank you again for all this incredibly useful information. It's helping me a ton.

You are so very right. I'd never have believed he could turn out the way he did with me. I mean, even when I re-read some of my old posts on this portal, I keep stressing how we will "never be like those couples" and he would not get horrible. Well, he did. He is more horrible than I could have ever imagined. He has gone as far as messaging family and letting them know I am very unstable and he is very worried about me. Thankfully, none are biting his little angry hook.

He has told all our mutual friends that I have been abusive and unsupportive and draining him for resources. That he is practically a single dad as I spend my days watching "the soaps" and drinking. If it wasn't so pathetic he'd say this about me, I'd laugh. Firstly, I don't recall the last time I watched any soap but beyond that, what does a soap even mean these days? Did he mean Netflix? He is a man deranged. Inevitably his smearing of me leads to tears and cried from me, late at night whereby he tells me to please reconsider. But come morning, I'm that alcoholic watching soaps as he toils on. The whole situation is madness. Never in a million years could I have seen this coming. To bigger and better things for my little girl and myself and good riddance to bad rubbish.

I will stay on the good path and will keep posting here as I need to keep feeling emboldened. He was counting on me backing out as I don't like others knowing our dirty laundry but to be honest , I'm done with that. Let him air it all out and smack it against a washing rail. I simply don't care. He will not watch me walk away from this with my tail between my "average" legs!

Thank you again. I could not be more grateful for all the wonderful advice I am getting.

• leads to tears and cries from him.

Apologies but I'm typing frantically from my phone as I wrap up my "average" work for the day and go pick up my daughter.

As I mentioned, I will always respect him as the father of my child but my God, to think this is the man I married, if naive could write, mine would have a novel. I'm really just beyond shocked at my lack of judgement.

Often reconciling this is the hardest part of getting over the relationship, but the fact that you have recognised your own earlier naivete and willingness to close your eyes to poor behaviour/be over-responsible for someone else's issues, etc is actually a huge step in healing.

You may (like I did) look back on relationships prior to your husband and recognise that you got into some of them for the wrong reasons, and that although they may not have spectacularly imploded like this one, that was probably because both partners were more easily able to walk away when it wasn't working. Having a child and the financial vulnerability that often brings makes you stick out shitty treatment for much longer. But the lack of spectacular implosion meant that you didn't quite recognise your own pattern at the end of previous relationships.

I also had a relationship with someone who is rather like your STBX and although my mental health suffered as a consequence of the way he treated me, once I saw him clearly for the abusive and manipulative liar that he was, it actually fortified my own self-worth enormously and led to me gaining confidence that I would pick up on poor treatment much more easily, recognise all the abusers' tricks (they're so predictable once you know them) and avoid putting myself in a compromised position for "love" with a similar asshole in the future.