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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is dh?

59 replies

cozycusion · 12/05/2022 11:22

I am pregnant and vegetarian.
We're expecting a little girl in July and id like to bring her up as vegetarian as I don't feel it's fair to make her eat animals until she's old enough to decide she is happy to.
Dh on the other hand thinks she should be made to eat meat until she's old enough to decide.
Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 12/05/2022 11:24

Neither of you, as you both have equal responsibility and beliefs?

Polly271220 · 12/05/2022 11:27

You are....as you should both decide when she's of age

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/05/2022 11:28

You both have a say in this, neither is "right" or "wrong".

I'd say the fairest compromise is that if you buy her/make her a meal, it will be veggie, and if he buys her/makes her a meal, it can be veggie/carni.

At some point she will show a preference.

pinkpinkeverywhere · 12/05/2022 11:28

I’m vegetarian but brought my children up eating meat until they could chose for themselves. One has now chosen to become vegetarian, but the other is happy to continue eating meat.
Selfishly I felt it easier to bring them up eating meat, than worrying they weren’t getting a fully rounded diet by being vegetarian if they were picky and also worrying at parties if they ate a chicken nugget.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong though

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 12/05/2022 11:31

Agree with everyone else. There isn't a right and wrong here.

My SIL is veggie and DB isn't. They feed their daughter a mixed diet. SIL will not prepare a meal with meat in so it's down to DB to do that.

So far my DN has shown a massive preference for veggie food so it seems like she will probably follow in her mother's footsteps.

If your DH wants the baby to eat meat then he will have to take responsibility for that.

Triffid1 · 12/05/2022 11:31

This is a difficult one. Who does the cooking/meal planning? Because I think that realistically, whoever is cooking and preparing the food for the child, more or less gets to decide within reason obviously not my DH who, without intervention, would serve pasta pesto 5 nights a week

But if he eats meat, I think it's a step too far to absolutely insist she's veggie all the time - eg if he's out and about with her and they go out for burgers, then great, that should be fine.

RampantIvy · 12/05/2022 11:32

Neither of you

Catrice · 12/05/2022 11:32

I would have to side with your dh here. The main reason being it will be easier to ensure she's getting all of her essential nutrients, vitamins, minerals etc by eating a variety of foods including meat and fish.

JenniferBarkley · 12/05/2022 11:34

Neither of you, just the same as if you disagreed over whether to baptise, or which name to choose or which school to send them to.

It's just one of those decisions that you will need to make as parents in whatever way is right for your family.

latetothefisting · 12/05/2022 11:35

Your wording isn't exactly objective is it....presumably she's never going to be "made" to eat meat with her mouth being held open and it stuffed down her throat....the actual question is whether she will be offered some meals with meat in them or not.

I think the fairest way is for her to have a primarily vegetarian diet, but if DH wants to offer her meat occasionally e.g. as part of the meal he's making then fair enough. Same if shes at school or at a friend's for tea when she's a bit older, she should be allowed to try the meat option if she likes without feeling its forbidden or naughty. She might decide herself not to eat it, I've got lots of friends who are the only vegetarians/vegans in their family, some of whom decided it at a really young age, as they just didn't like the taste of meat.

FlimFlamJimJams · 12/05/2022 11:35

In what way has he said he is going to "make" her eat meat?
You say that with the implication that if she had a choice, she wouldn't eat it.
However, until she's old enough to make a choice - the fair thing to do would be to expose her to the widest variety of choices and (unbiased) information, so she's in the best position to make an informed decision when she's capable of doing so.

LightDrizzle · 12/05/2022 11:37

I assume neither of you will “make her” eat anything.
Your husband wants to offer her omnivorous foods until she is able to choose for herself and you want to offer her vegetarian foods until she is able to choose for yourself.
YABU for your manipulative misuse of language but as to the issue, I’d probably err on the side of whoever feels most strongly and that’s likely to be the vegetarian.
The way you’ve described this dilemma this makes me suspect your child’s freedom to choose in the future will be thoroughly circumscribed by the guilt you will load onto a choice that differs from the one you’ve made for yourself.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/05/2022 11:39

We're expecting a little girl in July and id like to bring her up as vegetarian as I don't feel it's fair to make her eat animals until she's old enough to decide she is happy to

There are an awful lot of "choices" we make for our dcs before they are able to show a preference or truly understand their options.

We raise them to acknowledge the religious events customary to our household, before they get a chance to explore other options.

We raise them usually with the plan of putting them into formal education, and make steps to either place them into this system or opt out.

We raise them consuming dairy (or withholding it), consuming television (or withholding it), we vaccinate them (or withholding them).

ALL of which we do without their knowledge, understanding or choice.

How do you feel about all the other decisions you will make for her before she can truly choose?

Original poster
cozycusion · 12/05/2022 11:39

Dh doesn't do any of the cooking, although I do cook him meat as I know that's what he likes to eat so the preparation of meat is not an issue.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/05/2022 11:41

cozycusion · 12/05/2022 11:39

Dh doesn't do any of the cooking, although I do cook him meat as I know that's what he likes to eat so the preparation of meat is not an issue.

Well if he isn't making meals then he can't have a say. Personally if I were veggie I'd not even prepare meat but seeing as you are halfway there.

Etinoxaurus · 12/05/2022 11:46

Mad cow disease was a thing when DD (now 26 was a born) so I avoided meat until she was 2ish. She chose to be vegetarian from 5-16, now omnivorous.
You’re a saint to prepare meat for your DH. Why don’t you suggest that whoever cooks feeds her?

PizzaPatel · 12/05/2022 11:48

Depends who does the cooking

StarDolphins · 12/05/2022 11:53

Neither is right or wrong. I don’t eat meat but I make my DD meat - although she’s now starting to ask where her chicken nuggets/bacon etc come from.

I definitely don’t think she’s ‘missing out’ on anything by not having meat in her diet!

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/05/2022 11:58

Polly271220 · 12/05/2022 11:27

You are....as you should both decide when she's of age

That is exactly what the op is suggesting - wait until she is at a suitable age to decide if meat should be added to her diet.

Her dh is suggesting much the same - wait until she is a suitable age to decide if meat should be removed from her diet.

Neither is more right or wrong than the other. There is no reason to assume meat eating is the default or that vegetarian is the default.

That said, I'm veggie and fed meat to mine growing up. Main reason was meat is an excellent source of dense calories and as they were all very involved in pretty intense levels of sport, it would be hard to get sufficient calories in to them. When they were younger it was more of a mix. Dh made meat based meals and I made veggie.

JenniferPlantain · 12/05/2022 12:10

Neither of you are BU.

If pushed I’d say let her eat meat (I’m veggie) as it will probably just make life easier for her at school/friends houses when she’s growing up. You modelling vegetarianism and giving her a mix of meat and veggie meals at home will be a nice background for her to choose when she’s ready to choose.

ResentfulLemon · 12/05/2022 12:12

As you're the one preparing the meals then just be led by your daughter. If she wants to try some of what her dad is eating let her, but otherwise just prepare meals for her as you would your own would be my approach.

My daughter is a vegetarian - not for any reason other than she despises the texture of meat. These things work themselves out pretty quickly when you start weaning.

StageRage · 12/05/2022 12:18

‘Made’ to eat meat? Is that what he actually said?

I am very sympathetic to the veggie way of life, but as we are omnivores by design I think it reasonable to include some meat in her diet until she is old enough to decide. The majority of her diet can be veggie but from time to time give her some if your DH’s food.

My veggie friend brought her kids up like that and now they are older teens two are veggie / vegan and one is omni. All eat the veggie meals she cooks, her DH cooks meat or chicken curries etc.

Original poster
cozycusion · 12/05/2022 12:20

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all your thoughts.

OP posts:
cherrymax · 12/05/2022 12:22

I think I'd go with them being pretty much vegetarian when with you but not restrictive on what they can eat at parties, playdates etc

Ansjovis · 12/05/2022 12:24

It may not be possible to feed her a 100% vegetarian diet. The range of food I would eat as a child was so restricted that I would have been severely malnourished if I had not had meat and fish available to me. And yes, when given the choice to eat what was provided or go hungry I chose the latter option every time. By all means encourage her to eat the type of food you eat but be open to the idea that eating meat and fish may be best for her as she grows.