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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think hes just checked out

103 replies

Macbeth8 · 12/05/2022 09:37

My DH is working away and has been totally different to how he usually os.

So for example in the past when hes worked away hes rang when hes got back to the hotel, rang again after hes gone out for tea with colleagues and then usually a good morning text.
I was always happy with this as he showed he cared and missed me and then kids.

This time round - is working away for 2 weeks in a place that's actually only an hours drive from our house so seems a bit pointless anyway.
Hes gone from being that communicative to no texts in the morning whatsoever from ringing once when hes back at the hotel and thats usually just speaking to the kids as he knows they go to bed for 6.30pm. Then after this call I just dont hear from him
:(
This has been the case now for nearly two weeks. Hes back tomorrow and im actually dreading it as its almost like he just doesn't care or miss me. I am not sure how to broach this subject with him without sounding like a hopeless, mad bunny boiler.
But its something thats very noticeable especially when before he was always ringing and texting.

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 13/05/2022 06:30

Find a babysitter and drive to the hotel and find out who he is with.

krakenandcoke · 13/05/2022 06:37

Agree with others, OP. I used to do that exact commute regularly; it's fairly normal. Go and surprise him.

PriestessofPing · 13/05/2022 06:55

Agreed that is a fairly bog standard commute so it seems really weird the company would be so keen to fork out hotel costs when it’s that close.

Im sorry but it does sound like something else is going on.

SunshineCake · 13/05/2022 07:05

I hope you managed some sleep and get some answers that aren't as bad as feared.

FabFitFifties · 13/05/2022 07:10

OP has already visited him, so she knows he is where he says he is. She also saw work email with arrangements. Nothing sounds fishy to me OP. He is ringing daily. I don't like the word, but are you quite "needy" OP?

Scabbyknackers · 13/05/2022 07:12

Indigoo03 · 13/05/2022 06:03

Being devil's advocate, if OP DH was up to something why didn't he say the hotel was much further away then the story would be more complete and OP would not be able to visit?

Could it be a stressful and important project?

We don't know nature of work for DH to qualify this.

Yes, depending on the work, if it's a company with pots of money and tight deadlines they might want the project staff on hand and just be happy to absorb the cost, say if he's a specialist engineer. But would he not want to drive over during the week a couple of times and see the family or meet them for dinner? Liverpool is great but hardly different enough from Manchester to make 2 weeks of evenings in a hotel or with colleagues a brilliant prospect.

I don't agree that saying the hotel is so close makes it more likely to be true necessarily. When telling porkies, a lot of the time people keep as much of the truth in there as possible to make it easier to stay of top of.

GenderAtheist · 13/05/2022 07:14

Is he coming home for the weekend today after work?

rwalker · 13/05/2022 07:15

I work for one of the utilities and we get hotel if an hour away . TBH Manchester to liverpool is over an hour it's not the distance it's traffic .
It took me 25 minutes the other day to get from piccadilly to the m60 .

But he is ringing once a day

WilsonMilson · 13/05/2022 07:44

Macbeth8 · 12/05/2022 21:45

I dont want to contact him. Its too upsetting
He rang for 5 mins today and hardly spoke! Im just devastated. I find rejection really heartbreaking and just cant deal with it. Thats why im too scared to ring him
He did menton he called me yesterday at 6.50..I checked and it was a whatsapp voice call that must have not gone through as I was driving at the time and for some reason my car never picks up whatsapp calls or messages. But even 6.50 is still early. He could have had another 5 mins convo n got off.
Have no idea what hes doing and wjy hes there.
Its definitely work..he showed me the email before he went
Were in Manchester and its in Liverpool hes gone to. It does take around an hour but obviously with rush hour it can vary

Oh come on, he can easily fake an email to make it look like it came from his work. Also, why was he so keen to show it to you and hence justify spending 2 weeks an hour away?! It doesn’t breach ANY rules to have an 8 hour work day with an hours commute each way. That’s absolute bs.

He’s clearly at it. You need to get some backbone here and turn up unexpectedly to his hotel. There’s no point snivelling around feeling rejected, time to get angry!

Forumqueen · 13/05/2022 08:04

How old are your kids op? I often have to work in Scotland ( live on London) and I do the whole working day there and catch a flight back home the same day most of the time. Sure it would be easier to stay the night but i miss my husband and kids and there is certainly no breach with the commute/ that’s nonsense.

my point is two weeks is way to long! I’m surprised you haven’t confronted him about this.

LouisCatorze · 13/05/2022 08:14

Someone in a committed relationship would make time to see their LO over a fortnight, however busy they are with work. You just do. Even if it meant inviting OP and the DC over to the hotel for some quality time.

And the lack of proper contact for that amount of time is telling (and not in a good way).

He's clearly otherwise 'engaged' and not just with work. Sorry, OP.

melcalfe · 13/05/2022 08:18

Fgs you can't just turn up at his hotel room. You'll need a card at half decent hotels these days, just to go up the lift.

So OP could only contact him at reception 'as a surprise' , ask for him to come down to get her. meaning OW can just pack up and walk out through the lobby like any other guest.

slashlover · 13/05/2022 08:18

Does he always call you OP, could you try calling him?

Samarie123 · 13/05/2022 08:36

So he's home today then?
You'll definitely notice a change in him if he's been having an affair. If he's acting distant around you - then you'll know.
My Ex done this to me, told me he was going on a stag weekend, never answered his phone or contacted me, poor excuses about left phone in hotel room when he was at another womans HOUSE.

Dadstheworld · 13/05/2022 08:40

If the OP OH is expensing travel, it might make sense to stay in a hotel rather than 10 lots of out of hours travel and mileage. Especially if his company has an account with a big hotel chain.

Sounds like it is a legitimate business trip, as he did invite you over.

However this doesn't explain his lack of engagement with you, which points to problems you really should discuss with him.

Testina · 13/05/2022 08:43

Samarie123 · 13/05/2022 08:36

So he's home today then?
You'll definitely notice a change in him if he's been having an affair. If he's acting distant around you - then you'll know.
My Ex done this to me, told me he was going on a stag weekend, never answered his phone or contacted me, poor excuses about left phone in hotel room when he was at another womans HOUSE.

I’m sorry your ex did this to you, but it’s utter bollocks to say you can definitely notice a change during an affair. Many people don’t change at all. Some actually become more attentive and loving: through guilt, to avoid suspicion, because having an affair makes them a happier person…

This is like the nonsense advice to “confront him and you’ll know from his reaction”. Like everything is that easy.

NotRainingToday · 13/05/2022 08:44

Surely he wouldn't need to stay there for a weekend, if he finishes work at 5pm on Friday and starts again at 9am Monday? That makes even less sense than the daily commute (which as pp have said doesn't make sense anyway)

WouldBeGood · 13/05/2022 08:45

@Macbeth8 I feel for you as it sounds like you know what’s going on, but it’s a massive step to confirm that.

JakeChambers · 13/05/2022 08:50

A hotel for a training course an hour away is something my company does. We had too many breech the 12 hour rule due to accidents or roadworks after training courses, so implemented a blanket rule of hotel or train.
It might be a particularly hard course, he might just be appreciating the alone time, or it could be something more sinister. You need to talk to him to find out.

Samarie123 · 13/05/2022 08:56

Testina · 13/05/2022 08:43

I’m sorry your ex did this to you, but it’s utter bollocks to say you can definitely notice a change during an affair. Many people don’t change at all. Some actually become more attentive and loving: through guilt, to avoid suspicion, because having an affair makes them a happier person…

This is like the nonsense advice to “confront him and you’ll know from his reaction”. Like everything is that easy.

Show quote history

Call it instinct. It's a powerful thing, not to be confused with paranoia!

Some people have it and some don't BUT there are definite changes towards the end when all the lovey guilt shit is over. Infact that is another sign for sure, so it is pretty much known when any type of behaviour changes. I'm older and wiser to know the signs thanks.

Samarie123 · 13/05/2022 08:58

@Testina And I didn't say to confront did I?

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/05/2022 09:04

Sorry but it sounds highly implausible that any company would put an employee up in a hotel for weeks when they have a car and its a 45 minute to an hour drive away. It doesn't add up and you need to listen to your instincts.

I understand why you are upset but you need to grip this. If you can find information to confirm your suspicions it will put you in a stronger place but tbh I don't think you need this. His behaviour is leaving you unsettled and upset and you shouldn't have to tolerate this.

Testina · 13/05/2022 09:09

Samarie123 · 13/05/2022 08:58

@Testina And I didn't say to confront did I?

And I didn’t say that you did say to confront. I said that your opinion - that you can tell when someone is having an affair because they will be distant - is bollocks, and in the same camp as those who say confronting will tell you everything 🤷🏻‍♀️

You might think that your old and wise and know how to read your instincts and not confuse them with paranoia… but that’s smug and trite.

Very many people are cheated on and don’t have a clue. They’re not stupid. Or not as in touch with their instincts as you.

Sure, there are often signs. But you simply can’t tell people that they’ll DEFINITELY know. That’s nonsense.

nearlyspringyay · 13/05/2022 09:10

8 hours is a normal day, a one hour commute each way is normal. My commute is 1hr15 and totally normal.

Sorry OP he feeding you a load of BS.

slashlover · 13/05/2022 09:26

OP, it's very clear from your other posts that you don't trust him.