DSS YouTube obsession ruining any family downtime...

[warofthemonstertrucks]

DSS2 is 8. He is obsessed with watching Jelly et al on youtube, screaming about fortnight. I'll say up front It particularly sets my teeth on edge. The inane shouting and laughing about utter nonsense. The volume!
We have our other DSS (10) and my two teen DD's living with us too.

After dinner most nights we hang out together in the lounge. We might watch something we all like like Modern Family or Friends, or the girls and DSS1 like playing a bit of scrabble which DSS2 also used to like before he became obsessed with YouTube. We usually manage an hour or so before the girls go off and do their own thing til bedtime.

Increasingly no one can stand to sit in the lounge with the constant screeching from
The iPad in the corner. We ask DSS2 to turn it down but he has a huge tantrum when we do. Or will do for a bit then turns it back up. But tbh even low level is annoying. It's really ruining our little bit of family time.
I've spoken to DP about DSS2s excessive YouTube viewing which I don't think is healthy and he has tried speaking to DSS-but he mainly doesn't get home from work til about 8 by which time we have had to endure it for 2 hours-and I'm not getting involved in telling him off for it.

Would I be unreasonable to buy him some headphones so he could still listen to it without bothering us? Or would that make it even more antisocial? At least he would still be sitting with us... I would feel bad about him being even more locked in to the iPad but the noise of it genuinely makes me grind my teeth.

In every other way we don't have any real issues in the house-we are Lucky really-just this one thing.

I'm in a very similar situation to you in that DSC live with us and DH works late so I am often the one getting dinner ready and keeping the kids busy after until he gets home. We also have had scarily similar experiences with BM so I totally understand the difficulty disciplining step-children and trying to avoid drama from the ex.
One DSS is 6 and had a similar obsession with YouTube (he would spend entire weekends watching it on his mum's phone when they went to visit EOW) and would have tantrums when asked to come off. I spoke to DH and asked him to set a limit on it, he did this and explained it to DSS and we'd set a timer when he starts watching, sometimes we go over slightly but when I was asking him to come off I'd say, "right, now it's the time that your dad said you need to come off". Tantrum would then ensue and so I would video call DH while he was at work and he would deal with it, so I was kind of dealing with it by proxy but the onus was still on DH.

But if it saves your sanity, just use the headphones because it's hard-enough as it is.

I had to go hardcore with mine. We have no YouTube during a school week, except for half an hour for DS (12) whilst DD is out at a club. I ask him to turn it off. I ask him again, making sure he acknowledges me. Then for every 15 minutes it's still on, he gets a week's YouTube ban. He's improving 😂

Could your DH set a screen time limit and not tell you the code? That was it's his problem to deal with and you can just repeat "I don't know the code, you'll have to wait til Dad gets home".

I didnt make that out and I've explained the Situation with his mum. Neither am I defensive Except when people decide DP is 'lazy' or I'm just his 'free child minder' with no possible justification.
I'm aware it's not an ideal dynamic. I've said why it exists.

And find something more suitable for him to watch. I'm not sure Friends and My Family are suitable for an 8 year old, certainly not mine when they were that age. What about baking competitions ( it's not cake? Zumbos desserts? Final table) are things we've watched with ours. Also tiny creatures, penguin town, Carmen San Diego, dragon prince are things we've watched together. (Netflix)

Itsdinah-two teen girls and I and dss1 are not bloody watching jelly. We just aren't.

As said I will talk to DP re screen time limits. Its hard for him to back me up when he is at work. And he has to be at work because we have to be able to afford to live.

I'm not obsessed with headphones. I just wanted to know if people thought that was awful. As it happens lots of people have said only marginally so or not awful-which is the reassurance I wanted.

I'm not saying we'll never tackle it. But we need a short term solution to allow everyone to sit in the lounge for an hour without either one or all of us being annoyed for one reason or another.

You could try all watching it with him

Why on earth? It's literally the most boring mindless shit ever.

Headphones all the way. It’s not your battle unfortunately, and you sound a lovely stepmom. His mum sounds ridiculous but just know she is making a rod for her own back.

My son is 8 and had the exact same issue. No tantrums as we don’t tolerate them, but sulks a bit if not allowed tablet and YouTube. So I set the screen time settings to limit his time on it and explained to him that he was in control of his own viewing time per day, but when it ran out, no more was being added - and that was not up for discussion or argument.

You need to get your DH to clearly set a rule for all the kids of no tablets between X and Y hour. It’s his rule, you just then enforce. Or headphones (which seems a shit get out clause because his Dad won’t set rules).

Don't know what broadband you have, but when we put parent controls on, that includes youtube. Is that option for you? It's not the same as turning off the wifi.

Bung him some headphones and let peace reign again.

Your 'family downtime' is excluding him. An 8 year old boy shouldn't have to choose between watching his iPad and watching Friends.

Start screen-free evenings where everyone plays a game or something. The nights are light now, get out for fresh air. Do things that aren't just watching TV.

Did you read the bit about board games? And the fact that we gave two teens and a 10 year old. Realistically they aren't all going to strap on their hiking boots and go for a walk after dinner. And you know what-sometimes neither di I want to do that having been at work all day.
In fact he watches friends quite a bit at his mums and occasionally with us. We also watch other stuff but the options are limited with those age kids.

If your DP is expecting you to act in loco parent is whilst he’s at work, then you act like a parent, not a babysitter. If your DP won’t support you, then you don’t look after his child.

I think it comes down to wifi.

You might not want to be seen as controlling the iPad, but the wifi is yours. Get DP to announce that the internet will be turned off between hours X and Y, so he's the one settings the rules, and it doesn't involve equipment that DSS's DM can claim is hers.

Even if DSS plays a game on his iPad when not connected to the internet, it won't be as loud and annoying as Fortnite, and, you know, small steps...

You're going to have to strap on some balls OP.

Dad has been awarded custody partly down to her coercion. That's a pretty big step and one that would have taken an awful lot for a judge to do. They don't usually remove dc from their mums FT care.

So a solicitors letter doesn't mean shit. If it comes up in court it won't mean shit. You could always send a solicitors back if you wanted to.

Now you're in a position of parenting. Dc, especially dc who have been through a court case like this, need boundaries. Boundaries make them feel safe. An 8 yr old feeling comfortable in the knowledge that you can't take his ipad as he will tell his mum is not good for him. That needs to change, or your dh is going to have to find them childcare until he finishes work.

The kid is not being parented properly. Give him a fixed amount of screen time. Then switch it off and remove it. Kids need boundaries or he'll grow up to be a little shit

As an aside, fortnight is not suitable for an 8 year old.

I absolutely would be disallowing him from YouTube on that basis. Headphones aren’t going to remove him from accessing that hideous environment.

My DS played fortnight at 15 and I swear to god his whole personality would change. Not a chance in hell any 8 year old under my roof would be allowed to watch it.

Sorry but “his mum says/does x” just doesn’t cut it while his DH has full residency.

Women posting on here saying that their ex has threatened this and that are told to let him get on with it, that they have residency for a reason and that he doesn’t hold the power.

And solicitors letters mean nothing, any solicitor will write whatever someone is prepared to ask for.

If your DH expects you to look after him while he’s at work then that includes rules and boundaries.

Headphones are not the answer. Banning the iPad is. If he tantrums then tough shit. It’s a lot easier to deal with now he’s 8 than when he’s 16 and can threaten you physically.

Nip it in the bud now or you will come to regret not doing so later.

Headphones and only allowed to watch twice per week, so he joins in with the others the rest of the time.

I wouldn't go militant or nuclear or any of that other stuff, you'll only build up negative associations around being denied something he enjoys and - as a PP said - he'll look for ways to watch it on the sly.

You need to teach him to enjoy his iPad in a healthy/balanced way so I'd go for a more positive approach.

• Headphones are a must. I give my DC the option of headphones, volume off, or switch it off. They always choose the headphones.

• start off small by rewarding him for switching it off when asked, sticker in a chart or bead in a jar or whatever, something visual he can see accumulating. If he gets enough stickers/beads/whatever then give him a small reward

• set a screen time limit but make it variable, for example set him an hour but let him earn extra time in exchange for behaviours you want to see (e.g., tidy your room? Have an extra 15 minutes. Shared a toy with your sibling without being asked? Have five minutes)

• encourage him into other activities by letting him choose the TV show/game/activity so he's more likely to engage with it

He is 8, you are the adult in charge as it is you providing the childcare for DSS while your DH is at work. If he was in an after school club, he would have to follow the rules there too. From now on, no more iPad until DH gets home. And if DSS mum or DH kicks off about it then I would be refusing to provide childcare any longer for DSS.

This sounds ridiculous! Don't be governed by his mum in this regard if you're the sole adult in the house looking after him you are his parent. If the complaint re ipad was read out in court was read out how you said it would have made her sound like a desperate twit pulling at straws to find something to complain about.

The headphones thing would prob be a solution but sounds very sad, there will be an even clearer divide of the family, as he gets older if unchecked it'll be more of a problem.

My suggestion would be for dad to set clear boundaries on the ipad time daily, ideally he would enforce it using software on the ipad or the Internet router - then theres no debate or argument the device lets him play for a set time then its just off.

Of course there will be tantrums to start, but this will settle in time. It sounds like it's worth the time or in a few years Id be worried he'll just be sat in his room alone all day and no longer part of the family.

At eight years old he doesn’t get a say. Put some boundaries in place and set limits, he can’t watch YouTube for hours at a time and he certainly can’t disturb the rest of you with it. Take the iPad away in the evening.

Modern family is a great show what season are you on? I let my sons watch whatever they want but they particularly like Memeulous, WillNe, Dharr Mann and someone called poo-di-pie (not sure what that one is about). Memeulous and WillNe do swear but I don't really care.