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Original poster

DSS YouTube obsession ruining any family downtime...

99 replies

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/05/2022 18:50

DSS2 is 8. He is obsessed with watching Jelly et al on youtube, screaming about fortnight. I'll say up front It particularly sets my teeth on edge. The inane shouting and laughing about utter nonsense. The volume!
We have our other DSS (10) and my two teen DD's living with us too.

After dinner most nights we hang out together in the lounge. We might watch something we all like like Modern Family or Friends, or the girls and DSS1 like playing a bit of scrabble which DSS2 also used to like before he became obsessed with YouTube. We usually manage an hour or so before the girls go off and do their own thing til bedtime.

Increasingly no one can stand to sit in the lounge with the constant screeching from
The iPad in the corner. We ask DSS2 to turn it down but he has a huge tantrum when we do. Or will do for a bit then turns it back up. But tbh even low level is annoying. It's really ruining our little bit of family time.
I've spoken to DP about DSS2s excessive YouTube viewing which I don't think is healthy and he has tried speaking to DSS-but he mainly doesn't get home from work til about 8 by which time we have had to endure it for 2 hours-and I'm not getting involved in telling him off for it.

Would I be unreasonable to buy him some headphones so he could still listen to it without bothering us? Or would that make it even more antisocial? At least he would still be sitting with us... I would feel bad about him being even more locked in to the iPad but the noise of it genuinely makes me grind my teeth.

In every other way we don't have any real issues in the house-we are Lucky really-just this one thing.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 11/05/2022 20:37

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/05/2022 19:25

I once did take the iPad off him after a particularly trying day where he had behaved terribly and that was the warned about in advance last resort sanction. His mum accused me of stealing his iPad to use for my own gain (via a solicitors letter) and included it in her statement for court during the child contact proceedings. So unfortunately it's not as simple as the obvious parenting solutions which under any other circumstance would be what I would do.

Headphones it is then-it seems a good (but sad) compromise for now.

If you can't intervene, then get DH to take the iPad to work with him in the mornings. He can then only have it when his dad is around to supervise him with it.

orangeisthenewpuce · 11/05/2022 20:38

If switch the internet off and tell him it's broken. An 8 year old shouldn't be in charge like this.

Twofurrycats · 11/05/2022 20:39

Your DP needs to take the ipad to work with him. No Dad, no ipad. Tantrum all he wants.

tootiredtospeak · 11/05/2022 20:39

Headphones for 1 hour then off. I limit my 9yr olds time on it its brain numbing it really is.

Original poster
warofthemonstertrucks · 11/05/2022 20:39

He's sitting in a chair on an iPad, having been fed, chatted to over dinner and homework done. I'm looking after him, he's not playing with knives.
Is the iPad ideal? No. But it's also not endangering his life right now.

OP posts:
OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 11/05/2022 20:41

So basically your DH is happy for your DSS to have an unhealthy amount of screen time and no access to an authoritative caregiver while he is notionally in 'his' (actually your) care... So as not to rock the boat?

Also if your DH isn't home until 8, what time are the 8 and 10 yos going to bed? How long does he get to actually see them on week nights they are at yours? The contact time is for HIM to have contact with HIS kids, for THEIR benefit. Seems a bit pointless to drag them across town away from their main parent to be looked after by you, get a goodnight kiss from their other parent and then go straight to bed. I assume he's out early too, leaving you with breakfast and the school run? Maybe weekends only when he's actually available to parent would be a better idea?

Howaboutnope · 11/05/2022 20:41

Didododo · 11/05/2022 19:09

My daughter loves this too and it makes my ears bleed!

We we’re having toddler style tantrums when it went off, bringing it to the dining table etc… so I went militant and she only gets the iPad for 30 mins a day now and 90 at the weekends. Using the timer lock. We can’t turn the WiFi off as we work from home. She was awful for a few days but honestly, less iPad time has made her much nicer overall! You’ll need your husband’s support in this though.

Do this

Theunamedcat · 11/05/2022 20:42

Do you have a YouTube account you can monitor what he is watching?

Just get the headphones if your not allowed to discipline him

Original poster
warofthemonstertrucks · 11/05/2022 20:43

I know what he's watching. That's the problem. Bloody fortnite bloggers. No concerns re what he's watching at all

OP posts:
OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 11/05/2022 20:44

In seriousness though your DH needs to see this for the problem it is and address it, even if it means some negotiation with the difficult ex. At the moment his 8 yo (who has already been through parental break up a d is having to live between two homes) has learned that he has the power, by tattling to his mum any time he's crossed, to get things entirely his own way at dad's house. That his parents aren't in charge, he is. How fucking terrifying for an 8 yo.

badg3r · 11/05/2022 20:47

I would turn off the wifi and say you don't know why it isn't working. Then his dad can "fix" it when he gets home if he wants. You need to break to cycle.

MissingGrandstand · 11/05/2022 20:48

I think headphones are fine @warofthemonstertrucks , it's not like you're getting quality social time while he's watching it anyway so I'd go down that route as it doesn't seem like an easy situation at all!

If for whatever reason there was then an issue with him or his mum kicking off about the headphones you're also in a position to say you've tried making reasonable adjustments as well so it's headphones or no iPad, then it's their choice rather than you "dictating" (which clearly you should be able to do when you're in sole care of him but from your posts it clearly isn't that simple!)

Good luck Flowers

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 11/05/2022 20:48

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/05/2022 20:39

He's sitting in a chair on an iPad, having been fed, chatted to over dinner and homework done. I'm looking after him, he's not playing with knives.
Is the iPad ideal? No. But it's also not endangering his life right now.

I think there's a fair bit of grey between the two tbf.

Original poster
warofthemonstertrucks · 11/05/2022 20:49

You've made alot of assumptions there oncemorewithfeeling. DP does the morning school run and works from home two days a week so is there in the evenings those days.
Boys mum was awarded every other weekend with the boys due to concerns about her behaviour/coercion of the boys and her own availability to parent them. Not sure why it's assumed that we are dragging the children across any towns away from their other parent for no reason with DP being some sort of absent dad who only has them for appearances. Because he Is a dad perhaps? Misandry much?

Anyway not the point of the thread.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 11/05/2022 20:50

I think hesdphones would be perfectly reasonable! Sounds like a tough situation with his mother op!

Original poster
warofthemonstertrucks · 11/05/2022 20:52

Yes it is. With the boys having been in the middle for too long-which we are just getting over-hence reluctance for now to rock any boats. Headphones it is as said. I was worried it would encase him in that world even more but it seems the most workable solution for everyone for now. Thanks.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 11/05/2022 20:54

He lives with you, therefore you need to be involved in discipline. It’s far too easy to say that a step parent shouldn’t be that involved but that is IMO reserved for step parents who only have the kids eOW.

If you really won’t take the iPad away from him then simply block YouTube on the wifi. That way he simply won’t be able to access it.

But if you won’t stand up to an 8 year old then you have a lifetime of trouble ahead of you when he becomes a teenager. What will you be expected to put up with then? Smoking? Drinking? Drugs? Honestly he needs to learn to respect your authority, and he won’t while you’re treating him as the adult

LilacPoppy · 11/05/2022 20:56

Why would you rather he watched inappropriate tv for his age? Friends and modern family are not suitable for an 8 year old.

WindyKnickers · 11/05/2022 20:57

We need to understand that down time looks different for kids these days. OP might prefer her kids to enjoy a game of scrabble and a couple of episodes of friends but others would find that boring and would rather poke their eyes out. DSS has had a day a school and done his homework and he enjoys a couple of hours on his tablet, who's to say that is the wrong way to spend his leisure time? Its perfectly reasonable in combination with other clubs/activities/friendships. The PP who has banned her family from enjoying YouTubers will, I'm sure, find that they have other annoying interests or they will watch it on the sly. Everything in moderation.

Bpdqueen · 11/05/2022 20:57

He either follows your house rules while under your roof or stays with his mum until dad finishes work

Summerfun54321 · 11/05/2022 20:57

Headphones on or WiFi off. Sounds like those are the only two things you have control over given your situation.

MintyGreenDream · 11/05/2022 20:58

Jelly is an annoying prick.Yanbu.

ItsDinah · 11/05/2022 20:59

You could try all watching it with him. Connect the ipad to the TV. I can understand an 8 year old not being entranced by Friends and Modern Family.

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 11/05/2022 21:03

You made out like the mum just has to snap her fingers and the courts will move to cut contact if you take the iPad off him. Thats why I assumed she was the main parent to have that much power. I stand corrected. Sounds like the boys have definitely been through a hard break up and custody battle though, so the point about keeping good boundaries and him knowing who's in charge for his stability and wellbeing still very much stands.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2022 21:05

You’re quite defensive, despite having raised several issues about your family. Do you find it interesting that so many experienced step parents think the dynamic around this one child is concerning? We’re not hopelessly naive about family relationships and child rearing or the complications of blended units. We can see things aren’t right and you seem obsessed with headphones - which will solve one minor issue but not tackle the tantrums or his dad not banking you up, IF he even agrees to use them.