DSS YouTube obsession ruining any family downtime...

[warofthemonstertrucks]

DSS2 is 8. He is obsessed with watching Jelly et al on youtube, screaming about fortnight. I'll say up front It particularly sets my teeth on edge. The inane shouting and laughing about utter nonsense. The volume!
We have our other DSS (10) and my two teen DD's living with us too.

After dinner most nights we hang out together in the lounge. We might watch something we all like like Modern Family or Friends, or the girls and DSS1 like playing a bit of scrabble which DSS2 also used to like before he became obsessed with YouTube. We usually manage an hour or so before the girls go off and do their own thing til bedtime.

Increasingly no one can stand to sit in the lounge with the constant screeching from
The iPad in the corner. We ask DSS2 to turn it down but he has a huge tantrum when we do. Or will do for a bit then turns it back up. But tbh even low level is annoying. It's really ruining our little bit of family time.
I've spoken to DP about DSS2s excessive YouTube viewing which I don't think is healthy and he has tried speaking to DSS-but he mainly doesn't get home from work til about 8 by which time we have had to endure it for 2 hours-and I'm not getting involved in telling him off for it.

Would I be unreasonable to buy him some headphones so he could still listen to it without bothering us? Or would that make it even more antisocial? At least he would still be sitting with us... I would feel bad about him being even more locked in to the iPad but the noise of it genuinely makes me grind my teeth.

In every other way we don't have any real issues in the house-we are Lucky really-just this one thing.

Block his ipad on your WiFi routers settings. Or if he doesn't turn it down or wear headphones as requested you tell him no more then.

Job done

Turn the wifi off and say it’s not working. Or yeah headphones. My 9 year old also loves jelly and co. I share your pain. But my son has an hour limit on his iPad which I’ve set up. He can choose his hour and when to take it. He likes to take it in his room so he can watch it in peace. When it’s up it’s up. Could your dh set that up?

Oh OK then.

I mean, it doesn;t matter how much damage excessive screen time is doing him, or the miserable impact on the other family members, so long as you avoid him going bananas OP ...

You need to forget about the "step" part of parenting, & get on with adulting the child who is causing disruption in your home, to your family.

I'm not advising you go off half-cocked - you need to get DH onside. If he's resistant, tell him that he has to leave work early & come & do the parenting himself, because he's obviously not picking up on how much disruption you & the other DC are enduring before he gets back at 8pm.

Dad takes the iPad and dss can only have access to it when Dad is home to supervise.

If you have a meltdown because you can't zone out into an ipad you have an addiction.

All you hear is 'no proof of this/source for that' but any divvy with a brain cell can see that staring into a tablet with someone screeching about minecraft is going to have a negative impact on how your brain develops.

I've banned any and all these types of youtubers from my home and I simply won't have them on. They are incessant and they breed more idiots.

Detaching from parenting your step kids only works when the parent is present. If you’re looking after him solo you can only do so if you’re empowered to be an actual parent figure. By your partner who’ll back you up. The ex isn’t your problem. You’re doing your partner a massive favour by having them while he’s working, don’t you think the least he can do is agree with you on appropriate behaviour from his children - in this case that means not annoying everyone else in the household and making shared living space a nightmare - and backing up any discipline that’s necessary to maintain it?

Of course you can buy headphones. Your money, do what you like. But what if he refuses and has a tantrum and moans to his mummy? What do you, just give in, seethe inside and let everyone feel pissed off and ignored?

I’ve been a step mum a long time and when I have my DSC on my own I’m in charge, DH knows it, they know it. I wouldn’t have it any other way, neither would DH, and mine are teens now.

Clear expectations and respect are essential. Pander to a tantrumming 8 year old and his stroppy mum guarantees you a life of dealing with this shit.

And you know a solicitors letter means nothing right? They wrote what she told them to and she’ll have paid a lot of money for it but it doesn’t mean she can control what goes on in your house.

The problem is not YouTube. The problem is the fact that an eight-year-old is allowed to get away with not doing what he’s told and acting like a selfish, spoilt brat. If it wasn’t YouTube it would be something else.

‘He’d have a tantrum if we turned the WiFi off…’!? Well, so what? Why are you all scared of him? Take his iPad away and send him to bed if he has ‘a tantrum’. He’s only like this because you’re letting him be like this.

I can't believe people watch stuff like that without headphones, you see it so much in public too. If people are watching their own screens they always have headphones in our house.

I could care less that he's a SC and would treat him as if he's your own. If his mother has a problem with it then tough shit. Until his dad gets home, it's your rules. You can't allow a little 8yo brat rule the home. Let him throw a tantrum, he can go sit in his room till his dad gets back.

The thing is that he is addicted to this. You can tell that he is by his reaction when it's taken away from him. I think your husband needs to take control of this and take the iPad to work with him. When he gets home he should give him a limited time e.g. an hour which should be in another room not in the main family room.

If your husband isn't prepared to do this then I think you need to look at how well he parents in general.

The problem of course is that you will be the one having to put up with his tantrums at home while his dad is at work.

So your scared to take it off him because he will "go bananas"? You are the one providing child care so you get to make the rules on screen time. You are the adult, he is the child, he doesn't get to make the rules, you do! If his dad has a problem with you enforcing screen time limits, he needs to take care of his own child after school. Turn the WiFi off, problem solved.

It's your house. Step child or not, it's your house and you are acting as his parent. So you either do that, or you tell your partner to find another free babysitter. I can't image you'd let him do other unsafe things because he's not your son so this shouldn't be any different.

This kid needs discipline. He woukd not be allowed to do what he liked in an afterschool club therefore you are the equivalent of a childminder when his father is not about. And if his father will not back you up on this then his father will need to find other after school care for him until he is able to collect him won't he?

This kid will rip a deep wrench in you family if you continue to let him. He is already sending your daughters into their own space when teens need that parental contact which he is preventing you from having with them by being obnoxious. Your DH NEEDS to sort this for everyone's sakes.

Perhaps he isn't allowed the iPad unless his Dad is there then. A blanket rule.

Or perhaps no iPad ever at his Dad's.

I would say solution as follows:

1. you have zero contact with the ex. ALL that contact should go via your DH. He doesn't tell you about it. His ex, his issue.

2. you tell DH what you are prepared to accept from children in your care, and how you intend to impose those boundaries. He agrees to back you up to both his kids and his ex. He doesn't like it? Then he finds a new free childminder, or he gets off work early on the days he has contact time with his sons and, oh I don't know, has some contact with them.

Seriously you have a lazy DH problem that he has done a good job of painting to you as a naughty DSS problem / ker-azy ex girlfriend problem. Deal with your useless husband and you'll find the problem goes away.

Well said @OnceMoreWithoutFeeling

So what ? Who's the parent. His 8. Ina few years you won't have much control but now you do. Just take it away from hiM while it's not too late. It's not healthy

Honestly your dp needs to tell him a set time limit for iPad usage and then you take it off him after that long.

also, be aware that with headphones you won’t hear what he’s watching (so can’t check that is safe content easily) and it also won’t stop you hearing his reactions and screeching.

There is a very strange dynamic in your family if an 8 yr old is allowed to behave like this. As is normally the case your problem is not the 8 yr old, or his mum its your DP, the childs father. It doesnt really matter if he is home or not there should be house rules which every child knows and they stick to. It doesnt really matter if DSS mum doesnt agree its not her house. I say this as a step mum and mum, I understand its hard to navigate which is why house rules are your saviour.

Your DP needs to step up.

In fairness it's quite hard to tell the ex to mind her business-she has made numerous false accusations in the past, which resulted in lengthy court proceedings (which we eventually 'won', but not without extreme cost and stress). No one wants to go back to any of that. Easy on paper to say 'ignore her', no so easy when you've experienced what we have I guess. It is what it is for now. It it very nearly broke us all!
DP is in no way lazy. He works in the city and he works long hours, and I work nearer and 9-5. It's no bother for me to look after the boys-bar this one issue. I do it willingly-we are a family-but within any family there are things that annoy around individuals I'm sure-it's just here we have a unique set of circumstances that would make it difficult (and make me unwilling) to challenge what has become a habit in this one area. I get why people here can't see why that is-but it is the way it is.

I've ordered him some big old headphones for now...

And I'll chat to DP re trying to introduce iPad boundaries but that won't be a quick bit of work and he will need to take lead on it.

If he's in your sole care for prolonged periods of time you can (and should!) be making decisions about behaviour and screen time.

Technology has its place and young people need to learn to use it appropriately so it doesn't affect other areas of their lives negatively. He needs to have boundaries in place such as a daily time limit and an auto switch off at a certain time of night. I bet the older kids are allowed to spend a couple of hours using their phones/tech every evening. Personally I wouldn't have that noise in my living room, I'd send him to his room with the ipad and have it auto switch off after an hour. He'll come down and join family life afterwards.

So who's actually looking after him if you won't get involved?

If you are looking after him, you need to set boundaries for the good of you, your family and him.

Set time allowences.
Use earphones in the permitted time.
Use parental controls apps or remove the tablet if it isn't time.
Let him have a tantrum. It doesn't take NT children to learn resonable boundaries, they're used to it at places like school/ clubs/ childcare.

If his parents won't let you give reasonable boundaries then they should be sourcing appropriate childcare/ doing it themselves.

Letting children have their own way out of fear of tantrums is unhealthy in the long run. As they get older, the stakes get higher, and managing them in a reasonable way gets harder. A 15 year old pushing their luck without boundaries can have serious consequences.

Tell your step son to leave his ipad at his mums. Multiple hours a day at 8 is not necessary.