AIBU that her ashes can be divided?

[Flowerseverywhere]

My sister has recently died after a long illness. She was 52 and had no husband or kids of her own. It was incredibly sad of course but it wasn’t a shock and so her remaining family had time to come to terms with it before she died. Her remaining family are principally me and our brother (and our families). My sister was the eldest then it’s me in the middle (48) and our brother is 46.
Our sister stated in her will that she wanted to be cremated but did not provide any details about where she wanted her ashes scattered. The Norfolk coast always meant a lot to her, she spent lots of idyllic holidays there, childhood and otherwise and so I think she should be scattered there. Our brother thinks that she should be scattered under a tree in the woods near our childhood home where our parents ashes are also scattered. We are in conflict about this and my solution, which I see as pragmatic, is that half of the ashes are scattered under the tree and the other half in Norfolk. My bother thinks that is not acceptable and that she should be scattered in her entirety, as it were. I see my solution as a practical compromise whereas he thinks I’m heartless and cruel. So AIBU to suggest we divide up my sister’s ashes?

I don’t think so OP, but then I suspect his reaction is not rational. Sorry for your loss

Neither of you are wrong - you both feel what you feel.

Maybe you should postpone scattering the ashes for now, until the grief is not so raw, and you can come to an amiable agreement?

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m with you - both places have significance and sound appropriate so no one is wrong here. Just divide her ashes and scatter in two places. If your brother feels particularly strongly that her ashes should be kept “together” (which is a bit illogical given what happens when you literally “scatter”), then I think he should be the one to compromise on location. Hope you can resolve without falling out - tough all round.

Third of my grandad is in New Zealand, third under a tree in my aunts garden and a third in a sandwich bag in a biscuit tin in my mums wardrobe 🤷‍♀️

We split up the ashes for my father in law and my father. Different bits went to different places they loved, with different people who loved them. Each place meant different things to different people, and they all get their own place as a memorial with their memories.

You are not being unreasonable but, like previous posters, I think you should give yourselves some time before doing anything. There’s no rush. Be patient with each other and just leave it for a while. I think your sister would probably be far happier knowing that you scattered her ashes (in one place/ several places) while you were together and supporting each other.

yanbu. That’s the beauty of ashes - they go so far. I have many close family members in lots of special places ; all the family was on board with it though. If anyone felt uncomfortable it would have been hard to argue I think, it’s such a personal thing.

YANBU.

It isn’t heartless nor cruel to divide the ashes. I personally think it’s a great idea to have some of her ashes where your parents are scattered as well as some along the coastline where she had good memories.

Would he also think you were heartless and cruel if you suggested to him that (for example) you wanted to keep some ashes to get them professionally incorporated into jewellery. (As I know a lot of people do this also)

A very sensitive subject like this isn’t worth you and your brother having major disagreements or falling out. Could you both go and speak to a funeral
director for some advice? It may take someone from a third party to help mediate and you both be happy and agree on the decision.

The ashes cannot be split.

Maybe he feels like you will be splitting her up which is an unsettling feeling
She needs to be kept whole as such. I cant articulate what I mean but I think ashes should be in one place. You have one body, one soul. Although the more practical side of me knows when you get cremated the reality of getting only one person's ashes without any cross contamination or bits left behind is impossible so it doesn't matter.

Personally I'd love to be with my parents rather than alone somewhere. Again head says it doesn't matter, it's ashes not a person.

You can't change hiw you both feel, so wait.

Why not? You do know the reality about cremations/ ashes don’t you?

I can’t see the harm as long as it’s done out of love and respect… and with the surviving families supporting each other in their grief

I was at a wake (person had died many months before during covid) and everyone who attended was given a bag of ashes to scatter in a place they associated with the deceased, at a time they saw fit. I actually think this is a lovely idea.

My mums ashes are scattered in different places. A few on her Mums grave, a few on her brothers and the rest intered with her dad

• surviving family members

Why not? They absolutely can imo.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you both feel how you feel and you need to find a compromise.

personally, I’m ok with ashes being split but I know my mum found it very difficult to even consider my nannas ashes being split, she wanted her “whole” wherever she was and that’s just as ok as being split 5 ways

My mum is in three places.

My Aunt’s ashes were split into 4 lots.

Sorry that was meant to be quoting Bunce1

I would never ever split ashes. That feels totally weird and disrespectful. Also see that lots of people think this is fine. I’d have to give way to you in this situation but it would make me unhappy. So I agree with other posters that it would be better to wait until emotions settle.

So sorry for the loss of your elder sister.
Both places sound like wonderful ideas.
I do agree with your brother though on not dividing the ashes up. It would make me uncomfortable too from a spiritual standpoint. Where you scatter or inter the ashes is where you would go to visit in years to come as her final resting place. It wouldn’t make sense for her to be in two places at once.

Perhaps hold off on any decisions for now.

Personally I'd love to be with my parents rather than alone somewhere. Again head says it doesn't matter, it's ashes not a person

But the OP isn’t wanting her DSis on her own. She is wanting to split her ashes so part of her is with her parents ashes and other at a place she held sentimental and had good memories.

@Bunce1, 'The ashes cannot be split.' They absolutely can. Why would you say that?
FWIW, DM had some of my DF's ashes made into jewels on a ring. The rest were buried at a place of his choosing.

OP, as others have said, let it rest for a while. I suspect your DB is reacting emotionally rather than rationally. (Mine was an absolute sod after DF died, but it was borne out of grief, not that it made it any easier at the time.)ml
A solution might be for you both to divide the ashes, but be there at the scattering of both parts - IMO that's the most important bit.

Of course they can! My OH died over two years ago, Covid has prevented me from carrying out his last wish so we had the ashes split, the majority are local, the remainder are ready to go where he wanted once things get back to something like normal.
The undertaker did the splitting for us but I don't see why anyone else can't do it.

I don't know. Have you ever heard of hung. drawn and quartered? You would be 'quartering' your sister! I mean it won't actually do anyone any harm, but it seems kind of disrespectful to do something which was regarded as a medieval punishment.

Those saying they can’t be split? When they are scattered what do you think happens?

Or do you plan to bury them?