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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that her ashes can be divided?

80 replies

Flowerseverywhere · 10/05/2022 22:01

My sister has recently died after a long illness. She was 52 and had no husband or kids of her own. It was incredibly sad of course but it wasn’t a shock and so her remaining family had time to come to terms with it before she died. Her remaining family are principally me and our brother (and our families). My sister was the eldest then it’s me in the middle (48) and our brother is 46.
Our sister stated in her will that she wanted to be cremated but did not provide any details about where she wanted her ashes scattered. The Norfolk coast always meant a lot to her, she spent lots of idyllic holidays there, childhood and otherwise and so I think she should be scattered there. Our brother thinks that she should be scattered under a tree in the woods near our childhood home where our parents ashes are also scattered. We are in conflict about this and my solution, which I see as pragmatic, is that half of the ashes are scattered under the tree and the other half in Norfolk. My bother thinks that is not acceptable and that she should be scattered in her entirety, as it were. I see my solution as a practical compromise whereas he thinks I’m heartless and cruel. So AIBU to suggest we divide up my sister’s ashes?

OP posts:

JayAlfredPrufrock · 10/05/2022 22:19

I took some of my mum’s in a jam jar on a plane.

Lovelydovey · 10/05/2022 22:20

Don’t fall out over this. Agree to disagree for now and keep her under the stairs like Harry Potter. Talk about it again in 12 months once time and feelings have passed. You might both feel less strongly about it then.

I say this from a place where my brothers scattered my parents ashes without me as I disagreed with their plans. I won’t get over that and wish they had held off making a decision and rushing to get it done.

howtomoveforwards · 10/05/2022 22:20

I couldn’t split the ashes. It doesn’t feel quite right to me. I think with your parents if she had no other family is an appropriate place. I can see your side of the argument, however. Not easy for any of you. Someone will need to compromise.

comealongponds · 10/05/2022 22:20

YANBU I would agree with you that they should be split

but I agree with PP that you and your brother should give it some more time before deciding, things are probably still very raw currently.

Lolllllllllllll · 10/05/2022 22:21

Of course neither of you are right or wrong. I wouldn't split the ashes. I think, if I were you, id go along with your brothers wishes.

It's not a nice thing to argue about.

AntarcticTern · 10/05/2022 22:22

I would prefer my loved one's ashes to be scattered in one place, it's a very personal thing though. I hope you and your brother can reach a happy compromise.

FlissyPaps · 10/05/2022 22:24

fUNNYfACE36 · 10/05/2022 22:17

I don't know. Have you ever heard of hung. drawn and quartered? You would be 'quartering' your sister! I mean it won't actually do anyone any harm, but it seems kind of disrespectful to do something which was regarded as a medieval punishment.

Very extreme and bizarre to compare scattering ashes to being “hung drawn and quartered” to someone who is obviously grieving and in a difficult disagreement with another grieving family member.

bakey9 · 10/05/2022 22:25

Surely you just get a sample of all the ashes so it's already split?

bakey9 · 10/05/2022 22:27

My mistake, you do get all of them

Discovereads · 10/05/2022 22:31

bakey9 · 10/05/2022 22:25

Surely you just get a sample of all the ashes so it's already split?

No, you get all the ashes. You buy a container for the ashes (scatter tube, box, urn) and the size of container you order is based on the weight of your relative.

Kite22 · 10/05/2022 22:31

Maybe he feels like you will be splitting her up which is an unsettling feeling
She needs to be kept whole as such. I cant articulate what I mean but I think ashes should be in one place. You have one body, one soul. Although the more practical side of me knows when you get cremated the reality of getting only one person's ashes without any cross contamination or bits left behind is impossible so it doesn't matter.

I feel this too.
It isn't logical, but it seems weird to me to split the ashes... it feels a bit like you are carving the person up.
I know there is no logic to that, but I do understand your brother feeling that.
I speak as someone who didn't take the ashes of our sibling from the crem at all - they were scattered on the lawn there. We didn't feel a pot of ashes related in any way to our sibling, but I think if you do think the ashes are important then surely it is all the ashes that would be seen to be your sister.

Like others have said, feelings are strong now. There is no rush. Do nothing, and talk about it next year.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 10/05/2022 22:31

We had this when my mum died in 2010, my mums sister wanted some of the ashes so she could scatter them in her garden. As a 20 year old who was traumatised by the very sudden death of my mum, i couldn't stand the thought of her being scattered at all. The idea of not knowing where she was was very distressing to me, and he agreed. My dad told my aunt how i felt, and she told my dad to give her some ashes and just not tell me. Thankfully my dad did not do this, told me, and we ultimately kept her whole, and unscattered, and she's still here in our home with us.
The way i see it, you wouldn't cut up a body to bury different bits in different places, so why split their ashes as it's the same thing. Plus they don't stay where you scatter them, they disperse and blow away in the wind, get trodden on and walked away etc, so they aren't where you "put" them. It's throwing them away to never be retrievable, i can't stand the thought of that.

takingmytimeonmyride · 10/05/2022 22:31

Half of my mum is in the same place we scattered my brothers ashes, the other half is where went on holiday every year throughout my childhood.

It was easy for me though, obviously my brother was dead, so it was just up to me, and I did what I wanted. It didn't even cross my mind that it was a weird thing to do.

I can see why he thinks what he thinks though, and I can see why you think what you think. It's such a hard thing to deal with when grieving. Maybe it's best to leave it for now and see how things are once it's not so raw.

splishsplashsploshsplish · 10/05/2022 22:36

I am so sorry for your loss.

We split my grabs ashes. I remember going to one of the spots thinking we had my gran's leg in my aunts handbag. (I was a young teenager at the time).

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn't matter. These rituals are to provide comfort for the living. I would weigh up what you wanted to achieve ultimately, and the importance of standing your ground or letting it go.

bakey9 · 10/05/2022 22:39

@discovereads thank you, where I am from burial is much more common. I thought there would be too many ashes to give all of them but I've had a read about the process and I understand it now.

Infinitemoon · 10/05/2022 22:39

Sorry for your loss OP.

I would not split ashes. I too would be uncomfortable with what you are suggesting.

My MIL kept my DF's ashes and put some in a ring and necklace and the rest is on the mantlepiece. I think this is probably the worst thing you can do with ashes.

DontTripPoppy · 10/05/2022 22:48

I have a really visceral reaction to the idea of splitting ashes.

Logically, this makes no sense, especially as at least a portion of the remains will have already been lost as vapour.

but I’d bloody hate anyone to split mine up, and I wouldn’t want to split up anyone else’s either.

i agree with others. I’d leave it for at least a year till the raw edge has gone from your Grief.

angieloumc · 10/05/2022 22:49

I'm so very sorry for your loss; I think perhaps you both need to wait a little longer before you make a final decision.
However in my family what we have done with family members ashes is scatter them from the stone jetty in Morecambe, it's a place that means a lot to us as a family and we felt like they are then everywhere, in the air and in the water. Not for everyone I know.

endofthelinefinally · 10/05/2022 22:57

I agree with pp saying wait a while. There is no hurry. I too would hesitate to split ashes. It is an emotional thing for me.
I still have my son's ashes at home. In the fullness of time he will go home to my husband's family plot in a country that he loved. Right now though that is too far away for me to accept.
My close friend kept her son's ashes at home for years, then, when her husband died, she interred their ashes together, with his family.
These are decisions that have to be made together, when the time is right, not as a result of arguments and ill feeling.
I hope that you will be able to reach a decision that you will both be able to accept.

RadFad · 10/05/2022 22:59

Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss.

My sister died and her two children and my mum wanted to keep some of her ashes so they have small urns with some in and the rest will be scattered along Norfolk coast in June.

Equally my friends husband died and his mother asked for some ashes but friend was not happy to do that and wants them to remain in tact until scattered at sea (his wishes).

I think it's a very personal decision. Do you have to scatter them right away? Could you wait and allow some time to pass before making decision?
We are only just scattering my sisters ashes after 2 years.

LoveSpringDaffs · 10/05/2022 23:01

I'm sorry to hear about your sister 💐

I don't like the idea of splitting the ashes up, it feels disrespectful to me. My Dad died suddenly a number of years ago, my mum offered for me to bring some of his ashes home with me (overseas) but I couldn't take just a part of him, it felt wrong.

everyone has to do what's right for them, but it's hard when you disagree. Your brother feels it's not right to split them up, so I think you need to go with that because 'do no harm', but then you get to choose where she's scattered.

DeusInAbsentia · 10/05/2022 23:04

I agree. Take your time.

my mum made it very clear she didn’t want her ashes split. I recall a neighbour of hers splitting her husbands ashes between places he’d loved. Mum went off on a rant over it, her words were something like “he could have his head in Bognor and his arse in Rhyl”. I remember crying with laughter at her indignation at the time, but it was something she personally was vehemently against.

sorry for your loss OP.

WeasilyPleased · 10/05/2022 23:05

My father went into a river where he had a houseboat as a young man so goodness knows where he is now.
I don't understand the upset over splitting ashes personally. It's only their vessel so to speak.

bloodywhitecat · 10/05/2022 23:15

I used to think it would be OK to split the ashes yet here I am, sitting here with DH's ashes on the windowsill and the thought of splitting his ashes makes me feel physically sick. They are just ashes, the rational side of me knows that but the emotional side is not ready to divide him up yet. Neither of you are wrong. There is no right or wrong in this.

SwimmingIsCool · 10/05/2022 23:20

Recently chucked my mum (well, her ashes!) off a mountain! Luckily all siblings were in agreement! I would not have wanted her split apart. Obviously no rational reason for that, but all of us wanted her scattered in one place and whole, so to speak. I totally get your brother not wanting her split. I know it doesn't makes sense, but grief doesn't. Sorry for your loss OP 💐💐

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