AIBU that her ashes can be divided?

[Flowerseverywhere]

My sister has recently died after a long illness. She was 52 and had no husband or kids of her own. It was incredibly sad of course but it wasn’t a shock and so her remaining family had time to come to terms with it before she died. Her remaining family are principally me and our brother (and our families). My sister was the eldest then it’s me in the middle (48) and our brother is 46.
Our sister stated in her will that she wanted to be cremated but did not provide any details about where she wanted her ashes scattered. The Norfolk coast always meant a lot to her, she spent lots of idyllic holidays there, childhood and otherwise and so I think she should be scattered there. Our brother thinks that she should be scattered under a tree in the woods near our childhood home where our parents ashes are also scattered. We are in conflict about this and my solution, which I see as pragmatic, is that half of the ashes are scattered under the tree and the other half in Norfolk. My bother thinks that is not acceptable and that she should be scattered in her entirety, as it were. I see my solution as a practical compromise whereas he thinks I’m heartless and cruel. So AIBU to suggest we divide up my sister’s ashes?

Cremated a grandparent recently. Half of them is buried in a plot and half scattered in their favourite holiday place.

Me and my grandma have a necklace each with grandads ashes, I have a little pot on my mantle piece with some in! My grandads friend has some of his ashes, the rest of him is in a wardrobe ready for when grandma dies so they can be scattered together! She has said I can have as much of her as I want to be made into a necklace!
the absolutely can be split!
however like a previous poster said, maybe hold off until it’s less raw and you can have a rational discussion together.

This thread illustrates why it's a good idea to write down exactly what you want done when you die.

My Dad died last year and before he died he had told us his wishes and put them in his will. It made everything so much better once he died. He wanted a direct to crem funeral with no service. We ordered his non-funeral online and told them we didn't want the ashes and didn't want to know when or where the cremation took place either. His physical remains were or are of no significance to any of us. It's what my mum, my three siblings and me have all specified in our wills too.

Im on your brothers side

This.

Absolutely.
my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly. She’d always said if anything happened to her I was to go to the blue folder. When I opened it I was amazed. She’d bought and paid for her plot, headstone etc. her requests were clear and she knew exactly what she wanted down to the last detail. Her last words on the subject were ‘I love you dearly but if you don’t do this I’ll haunt you’.
I followed her wishes to the letter and I confess had she not written everything down so precisely I would probably have done something different and not known what she wanted.

I have heard of people doing this but I believe in afterlife and I just cannot bear to think of my ashes being split and part of me being miles from the other when I am dead. If want to be all together so can see both sides.

My elderly mum has had two long marriages and has been widowed twice. She was happily married on both occasions.

She has said she would like her ashes split between each husband's grave (they were both buried but she wants to be cremated)!

Op I think you need to allow time for grief to be less raw. There is no rush.

My DDad died just before covid, my DMum has changed her mind on location about 3 times. Really I think she is happiest with him at home!

This isn’t about your sister. You could stick her ashes in the bin and it’ll make no difference to her. She won’t know.

This is about you and your brother claiming superior status/kinship/empathy or whatever.

Ashes don’t have to be “scattered”. Some people who attempt to scatter ashes misjudge the wind direction and get a faceful. It’s a bit weird really when you think about it: people throwing the remains of their dead relatives about willy nilly.

My advice is to inter the casket at a cemetery or memorial garden and then you’ll know where to visit in future instead of wandering around the Norfolk coast muttering “hmm, it was somewhere around here”.

There is zero rush here. Just store the ashes until you are ready. This might be in ten years' time. It does not matter. They will keep.

Mum planned her funeral in great detail, but I can't remember if she explicitly said her ashes should be split between the 7 of us, but that's what we did.

My dad's ashes are in mum's living room behind his chair & that's where they are staying until my mum passes away & then we will keep them together.

This is the actually the guidance of the Catholic Church at least, though the rules are probably different for other faiths. They also don't want ashes scattered or stored at home, but kept somewhere sacred like a church or cemetery.

I didn't actually know any of this until a close relative was cremated recently. I know many people disregard church recommendations, but my relative was religious so we followed the guidelines as a mark of respect. We buried the ashes, but some churches also have niches/columbarium walls where they can be stored.

If they're going to be scattered then they will get separated anyway so I don't see the problem. If she was being buried then fair enough she would be whole.

I don’t like the idea of split ashes. It isn’t logical at all I know. I’d want them together but it’s a very personal thing. Grief doesn’t always make sense though.

This is very much a "heart over head" or vice-versa scenario.

In all actuality ashes are essentially dust. Dust carries. When you're cremated, depending on where, they remove the jewellery you're wearing, you're cremated with or without your casket, you're scooped out with a shovel, and boxed up. In the crematorium not ALL your ashes are collected, some of your ashes remain on the shovel and are washed off, the crematorium is cleaned out. Aside from that, if you're scattered, the wind will carry the ashes. The critters will eat and run and play on the ashes. They might eat the ashes themselves, or inhale them. Logistically speaking, if you want to stay all together, don't be cremated.

My dad was cremated. I live internationally. I brought some of him back with me, and my niece took some ashes as well. The simple fact that part of him is here with me is, soothing somehow.

While I understand some people will "feel odd" about the idea of their ashes being split, you won't know if that actually happens or not. Sadly, or happily, it's not about you at that time. It's about closure for others.

So OP, do you feel you'll have closure if they're scattered at the family home? It seems your brother has some pretty strong opinions about it. If you don't, scatter the ashes there and grab a leaf with her ashes, or whatever and take it with you.

We are splitting my grandad

We split my nana, some went on my dad's grave, some on her mums and some We made into paper weights , one of which is in a different country

There's no rush though, one of my friends still has her dad's 6 years on

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. It's an imotive thing.

It is a very personal thing and the decision should wait until everyone is ready. Give it time and don't fall out over it.

My dh's aunt was very pragmatic. She split her sons ashes some went to his fathers grave, some to a place he like to fish, some are in my garden. (We later inherited her house) My mil said the aunt sprinkled them around the flower beds using a margarine tub no fuss or sentimentality. To my mil this all felt very right. But when it came to her dh's ashes she could not bare the thought of splitting them. It felt very wrong to her to do so got very distressed at the suggestion. She kept the ashes beside the sofa for a few years unable to make a decision until one day we went round and she showed us a lovely new shrub in the garden and announced the ashes were buried underneath it.

It's not about your sister, is it?

My mother scattered the majority of my fathers ashes in a place we can not go to (semi private garden near where they were renting, and the access to it was lost when she moved out). It didn't have much significance to him or us. Luckily we took some of his ashes to a very special place and we can go there, and it means a lot to us. My own husband and subsequently my mother also have some ashes at this place.
Let things be for now, and hopefully your brother can agree to splitting the ashes.

Nope, my brother died a year ago. The thought of splitting his ashes was abhorrent to me. He needs to be whole. My logical brain realises this isn't rational, but emotionally it can't be any other way. Far too distressing. to consider.

My dad's ashes were split, there's bits everywhere. His wish was that nobody did anything special (his actual words were "you can put me in a bin bag and take me to the tip") he just wanted a big party.

I have no attachment to loved ones remains, however my siblings and dad's siblings were able to say goodbye in meaningful ways by taking a portion of ashes to special places. I thought it was lovely.

If you wanted the ashes buried (eg in a churchyard) then no, you can’t split them, as you’d need the certificate of cremation. It’s a legal thing. However there is no reason that you couldn’t scatter them yourself and split them. You can only scatter at sea or with the landowners permission so your brother is presuming that you’ll get permission for a third set of ashes to be scattered at the tree in the woods (I’m not sure on the likelihood on this). The decision may be made for you. I’d contact the landowner and find out if they’re happy or not.

Both my parents were cremated when they died. So yes I do know what the ashes are.

My thoughts are strong on this but I do accept for many people splitting the ashes is of no consequence. I respectfully disagree.

IMO they should not be split-
The person is a whole not a part. To split is to desecrate the person for the convenience of the living which I find personally abhorrent. But it’s only my opinion.

With decisions of the heart like this that are so emotionally charged I think it’s probably best to do nothing until a unanimous agreement is met.

For you and your sibling, neither is “right” but time should be taken to see if an agreement could be met.