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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect Christian Missionary friend to pay for his own meals?

79 replies

LoveBlueCheese · 10/05/2022 11:06

He's a lay missionary - so not a priest. doesnt have a job but runs these christian workshops for for a small fee. he's putting up with us and i've been cooking - he's been eating. no word of thanks. seems to expect meals when he's in the house. AIBU to expect he should feed himself!?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 10/05/2022 13:41

Effectively he's 'living by faith', trusting God to provide. There's a verse in the New Testament about the labourer being worth their hire. He's working for the community in an unpaid role, and relying on the community to support him.

That doesn't mean only you. If you feel you've done your bit, then he needs to go elsewhere.

It's an unusual outlook, and works as long as everyone around him is able to be equally sanguine about details.

I'm a planner, so can't cope with it at all, but am not without admiration for the outlook- assuming it's honest, he's working genuinely for community benefit, and lives a simple life. If he has a roller back home and a timed in the bank, then it's a scam.

FieryPitOfMordor · 10/05/2022 13:42

EufyProsser · 10/05/2022 11:14

Can you give him some loaves and fishes and ask him to knock up some batch cooking for the freezer?

Grin
Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 14:06

AdaColeman · 10/05/2022 12:08

Give him his meal tonight, then tell him that was his Last Supper.

Tee hee!

Original poster
LoveBlueCheese · 10/05/2022 14:15

He's here on a holiday break of sorts - to get away from it all or so he says. @picklemewalnuts explains the background. He is "working" for the community by spreading / evangelising the faith, so there is the expectation that he will be provided for (but I know not all lay missionaries have this expectation, some work in full-time jobs etc). He used to be in the seminary where seminarians undertake a vow of poverty. He's no longer there but does missionary work now on a full-time basis. He runs his workshops independent of any church and doesnt receive any funding from a church, so I guess he operates on a "love donation" basis. But in short, he expects me to feed or pay for him (and doesnt offer).

Anyhow, hence my dilemma. I've done more than a week's worth of dinners, a nice lunch out and also tickets to a musical. Only a token word of thanks but not genuine, if that makes sense. He is also very silent and doesnt try to make an effort with conversation so it's made us feel very awkward having him in our house. He leaves on Sunday and I just cannot fathom doing another week's worth of dinners for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveBlueCheese · 10/05/2022 14:20

Sorry if I sound like I'm making this about religion - I am not and I am Christian. My dilemma is that I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable not to provide the sort of charity that is expected.

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/05/2022 14:24

How did he come to be staying with you ? Did you invite him to holiday at your house?

Triffid1 · 10/05/2022 14:25

I think over 2 weeks I'd be inclined to suck it up, but I don't blame you for being so frustrated.

If you feel you can't say anything, can you be more casual about it - "we're out on Wednesday so you'll need to sort your own dinner". Or, "we have been so busy I'd be so grateful if you could prepare dinner - there are ingredients for spaghetti bolognaise in the fridge" or whatever. I also 100% would not even consider taking him to things that cost YOU actual money. That's just crazy.

My father likes to say that charity starts at home. He has had very bad experiences with christian missionaries and this community as a whole, and part of it is exactly this - he feels that they're always out helping the "poor" but god forbid their actual friends or family need their support.

ImAvingOops · 10/05/2022 14:26

So he's a freeloader operating under the guise of religion? Tell him you have a family emergency and he needs to move out tomorrow.

viques · 10/05/2022 14:28

EufyProsser · 10/05/2022 11:14

Can you give him some loaves and fishes and ask him to knock up some batch cooking for the freezer?

Not to mention working the magic on a few bottles of water, fizzy or still……

Ponderingwindow · 10/05/2022 14:32

I thought this was the deal/scam with religious missionaries of all ilks. They travel around spreading the word, expecting to be housed and fed for free because of the “work” they do.

2bazookas · 10/05/2022 14:41

Forget "Christian missionary", his treatment of you is no different from a MCP pimp who uses women to provide his living at their cost.

dottiedodah · 10/05/2022 14:45

As he is going on Sunday then maybe just deep breaths till then? Maybe one night arrange to be "out" as a family .Leave a salad /sandwiches for him (Used to do this with Overseas Students) .Perhaps F and C if you feel able to afford it .Note not to engage with these arrangements in future unless clear where the boundaries lie!

billy1966 · 10/05/2022 15:00

AdaColeman · 10/05/2022 12:08

Give him his meal tonight, then tell him that was his Last Supper.

😂

OP the lack of appreciation would have meant and end to any meals.

He has an absolute mug made out of you.

NrlySp · 10/05/2022 15:13

He should be thanking you. He should also be offering to at least help with dinner/clearing up/any small jobs around the house and garden. Personally now I would be asking - can you empty/fill dishwasher/mow lawn/take out recycling/buy milk

PakkaMakka · 10/05/2022 15:29

I have a few friends who are from Christian Missionary families, and it is very normal for people to travel and be provided for because they are doing missionary work, ('God will provide') and it is definitely expected that if you invite them that you are hosting and will provide food and accommodation.
If you haven't made this arrangement then you need to say something soon, as I would guess in their situation this is entirely normal.

One of my friends was brought up by missionary parents and gets incredibly frustrated by her own parents volunteering to others that they can come and stay with her if they want to visit England (her parents travel and see it as one family repaying another, but she doesn't travel she's in England working full time!)

Sortilege · 10/05/2022 15:29

I’ve seen this kind of set up and essentially it’s what you signed up for, isn’t it? It sounds like the issues are that firstly, he’s quite ill mannered, which is understandably straining your goodwill, and secondly, you might have bitten off more than you can chew.

Is it a time limited arrangement that you made or open-ended?

EmilyBolton · 10/05/2022 15:30

I was a Christian and I still think this “having faith gods will provide” is a cop out. He may have taken a vow of poverty- but you haven’t and you have a home with bills to pay and food to be bought and made.
live . I have had talks by people in past who have gone off evangelising all over the place and “trust to god to provide”, but when they actually explain it appears they always stay in “nice” homes of people who are either vulnerable (e.g they randomly chat to someone about their depression and say god loves them and then they’re staying in that persons house for the night. ) or gullible or guilt tripped.

if I agreed to have someone to stay who lived a life of “god will provide” or an evangelically preaching “holiday”, I would also expect a “god helps those who help themselves” by that person working in the home doing chores while they are staying at the very least - cooking and shopping for me, cleaning the house, gardening or whatever…doesn’t need to be loads but enough to show that they are not expecting god to provide “sitting around doing net and expecting everyone else to work and pay for it”

Prerapher · 10/05/2022 15:30

I'm currently living with my sister, BIL and nephew (by invitation) after leaving an abusive relationship...I help with the housework, the laundry, my sister prefers to cook so I wash up and wipe down afterwards and take them out for a nice lunch at least once a week, I also shop for anything extra that's needed, I'm not looking for a round of applause, I just think it's good manners to contribute something...anything if you're staying anywhere for any length of time.

SlickShady · 10/05/2022 15:35

You are free to set your own rules in your own house. Whatever you want to do, just do it and own it. You don't need the internet people's permission.

Inthesameboatatmo · 10/05/2022 15:35

Your posts really don't make sense.

Either talk to him about, don't invite him ever again or just kick him out now. You've made a rod for your own back haven't you. You know he's unemployed and have let him board with you for a long stay and you're moaning about it .

internetpersonme · 10/05/2022 15:40

So he has zero money? Or is he claiming benefits? Its rude anyway even with no money he should be at least washing up etc

Beautiful3 · 10/05/2022 15:56

I think because he's leaving on Sunday, I wouldn't fret too much. I'd leave him pasta, jacket potatoes and pizza to make himself. Explain that works hectic, so to make his own dinners on x and x days. Perhaps don't accept him again.

VintageGibbon · 10/05/2022 16:03

LoveBlueCheese · 10/05/2022 11:42

He is a guest and no, I don't expect him to pay. Ive been feeding him when he's in the house - usually dinner. It's quite a long stay and I'm wondering if I can bugger off with the dinner provision as work's become hectic. Occupation not important other than providing background - he really does not expect to pay for anything even for tickets or meals out as he doesnt hold a regular job. So i'm wondering whether I should be expected to provide meals in the house too given that we seem to be covering all his other expenses.

There is a type of Christian who believes that God provides everything so anyone who has gone out of their way to be generous deserves zero thanks as they are just God's conduit. It's emotionally immature, socially inept and bloody rude. You don't have to put up with it.

StridTheKiller · 10/05/2022 16:12

@AdaColeman 😂

Neverreturntoathread · 10/05/2022 16:15

Yabu to not have discussed in advance exactly what you would and would not be providing.

I’m not religious but I’d say if a missionary is serving the community and being give free accommodation by the community then I’d assume meals will be organised and provided free unless told otherwise - doesn’t mean you have to do it though. Just tell him what the deal is. For all we know he’s secretly thinking ‘oh man how can I survive another week of her cooking I’d love to just make my own food but mustn’t offend my host’ 🤣🤷‍♀️