To ask how to be a better mum

[strawberrycheesecake1989]

My toddler is 20 months and the past 2 months I’m really struggling to cope. He’s never slept through the night, he always wants boob and something has just changed in me the past couple months where I just don’t have the patience I once had.

i just find my self despairing and I’m turning into a shouty mum.

I’m just always shouting. I’m not shouting at him or in his face or anything. I’m not scaring him. But I’m scaring myself that I’m becoming this mum who just doesn’t have the patience I once did.

everything is a battle, he has tantrum after tantrum. He sees me open the front door because I have a delivery and then close the door HE HAS THE BIGGEST TANTRUM because I wants to go out the front door and I don’t let him. Writhing around on the floor screaming his head off.

he won’t let me out a jumper on him before we leave the house… another tantrum.

he’s rarely ever content to just be sat in the buggy.

i take him to the playground. He wants to leave out the gate and go and play with a parked car, I obviously stop him… massive tantrum!

i feel like I just spend the whole day shouting no and shouting that I can’t cope. every night I tell myself I’m going to be more patient and calm and by the morning time the same just repeats itself.

he’s never slept through, I feel like I’m on a 24 hour shift that never ends.

please can anyone offer me any advice on to how to be patient and not lose my temper and stop being a shouty mum. It’s making me hate myself.

thanks if you made it this far x

You need some uninterrupted sleep. Do you have any help?

Are you a single parent? Are you a SAHP? Sounds like you are seriously depleted and need a regular break. Of course your patience will wear thin when you're exhausted and fed up. You need to be on your game to deal with things like tantrums and general toddler behaviour.

Only you know how you can potentially get the breaks and "me time".

The other thing that may help is to surround yourself with nice friends also with toddlers who get it. I find I shout less in front of others and you can also share the load a bit.

My husband ‘helps’ but my ds will only settle for me.

tried me sleeping in the spare room once and my dh slept in a bed with him but he woke up constantly and was inconsolable. I felt too bad and by 4am I got into bed with him as i felt too bad

In the exact same boat. Sending solidarity 🙄

You could consider starting to gently night wean, if it's what you want. It might shift him towards accepting his dad at night instead of you, if a breastfeed isnt available.

@Tigofigo im not a single parent no. My husband isn’t working right now either but my son only ever wants to be with me.

i don’t have many mum friends in fact I have 2. 1 I rarely see because she’s always working and the other one just Moved away.

i had ds in my mid twenties and virtually all of my friends are a long way away from having kids.

@KitKatKit sending love

I’d consider stopping breast feeding, then there’s no reason for him to wake in the night. I don’t know anyone giving their 20 month old a drink of milk in the night.

It's so bloody hard.

But in all honesty, and I know others will disagree, sleep training Ferber solved it for me. Two nights and she was sleeping. I feel like such an arse now because that's all it took for everyone to be better. Including dd, who ate better, was happier and looked better with proper sleep.

I learned the difference between her crying in distress, eg pain or unwell, or crying in temper, and then I gave it a shot. I reduced the minute waits slightly, but in line down and out again. She was furious for maybe half an hour, then asleep, woke once first night, once second night. Now only wakes if needs me for something. Second baby I was much less available due to first and splitting myself in half and she sleeps like a pro.

For me it was a case of I was unwell with lack of sleep and something had to give.

@InChocolateWeTrust

unfortunately I don’t think there is such thing as gentle nightweaning with my ds.

i tried Amy ockrell smith - if that’s how you spell it - she has a method in her gentle sleep book. He screamed the house down.

For him, if he doesn’t get access to the boob he may as well be alone in a room being left to CIO

At 20 months I'd do sleep training. Everything is such a relentless slog when you're sleep deprived.

Not sure if it will help but my toddler is similar. It feels like everything provokes a giant tantrum - getting dressed, changing nappies, getting undressed, having his hair washed, having his teeth brushed, going in the buggy, leaving anywhere fun, being told not to do something like throw gravel at the car…

I agree with others, you need some good sleep to restore yourself before you can tackle this. Is there anyone you can ask so that you could get a really good uninterrupted sleep so that you can start again with your child’s sleep routine?

What have you tried in regards to getting your little one to sleep through? From experience of my own 21 month old, I can say that the tantrums etc are so much worse when he is not sleeping, if you could crack that then you might find the other stuff improves.

I know some kids just resist sleep, but when you are frazzled it’s really hard to put a clear sleep routine in place.

failing that, if you are not allready doing it, and don’t want to sleep train him, could you try and co-sleep if he will settle easier that way?

sending support. I know tiredness is such a killer. I hope it gets better xx

Our little boy was in a killer tantrum phase around 20 months. It’s much better now and we are much better at preempting them and intervening but they still happen (he’s 2.5 now) and it’s the same with all his little friends. Basically I’m saying that toddlers tantrum, it’s not your fault. Just try and be as patient as you can (I know easier said than done).

One thing I’ve found massively helps with ours is giving them a choice on basically everything. Do you want red cup or blue cup? Orange jumper or green jumper? Etc. it means he feels like he’s involved and most importantly, in control. When I just picked something for him and gave it to him/tried to get him dressed, he often kicked off I think because he was frustrated that it was being done ‘to’ him and he didn’t have a choice. When he picks the green jumper it doesn’t occur to him to get cross because he chose it if you see what I mean? It’s like a very basic version of getting him to do things by making him think everything is his idea lol

Im only still breastfeeding because in the night when he wakes Im so bloody tired and I just want to do what will get me back to sleep the soonest.

i also still wants feeding in the day unless I distract him sufficiently enough. It’s worse when we’re at home all day. He just nonstop wants to feed.

i genuinely think I’m getting a breastfeeding aversion. It makes me want to scream abut 90 percent of the time

I completely get this. It's so hard when you have a child like this. Seeing other kids who don't have constant tantrums and screaming fits in public can make you feel isolated and like you're some kind of freak. I think all you can do is just keep going with it. It gets easier as they get a bit older and leave this stage behind. I went through an awful stage with one of my kids. I'd end up crying in public and people would always comment on her behaviour, even if well meant it still can make you feel bad. But she's 6 now and though she's a bit whinier than my other kids, she's mainly settled.

I’ve found useful info on some Instagram sites such as Big Little Feelings and The reconnected.

Do you get time to yourself? Like work or hobbies away from your toddler? It’s essential to get a break from being with them and thinking about them, even if it’s just an hour or so a week

Is his dad in the picture? If so, he needs to be stepping up to help you get some uninterrupted sleep. If not, is there anyone else you could ask for help just to give you a night or two decent sleep so you can reset a bit?

Do you work/ is your son in childcare? If so can you take a days annual leave (or sick, which isn’t too far from the truth) to catch up on sleep?

Longer term are you in a position to be able to consult a sleep consultant to get some help with sleep? We used Fox and the Moon Infant Sleep, she’s very very gentle and baby led, not traditional sleep training but just a bit of support with routines and timings etc. But there are different approaches out there you could look for one that fits with what you’re comfortable with.

Sleep aside, you need to be kind to yourself. I have a similar age DD and this age is HARD. The constant tantrums are so tiring. They’re so desperate for control and independence but still can’t fully communicate their needs and feelings properly. I’ve found Big Little Feelings on Instagram to be really helpful, as well as Janet Lansbury’s podcast. Reading the Phillipa Perry Book ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ was really good too, though appreciate time to read is limited with demanding little ones around.

Oh yea and also we are big fans of Ferber in this house. Did it at 6 months with both of ours and they have both slept through the night since (average 11-12hours). Not sure if it would be quicker or harder with an older child, but it will still work and will change your life. You need sleep. He absolutely doesn’t need to feed overnight for hunger at 20 months, it’s just comfort. I know it won’t be easy, but after a few days and that first full nights sleep it will all be worth it. Plus his tantrums might be worse because he’s not getting the sleep he needs overnight, you never know?

Go away for the weekend and leave your kid with his dad. Get some rest and some space and show your toddler he can survive without you.

Sleep training also really helped us. We still have tantrums but it’s much easier to deal with them when you’ve actually slept.

I don’t know whether this will work for you but for us the key was for my husband to deal with it because with me he would just scream and scream until I fed him. So my husband would go in and sit with him, cuddle him, rock him, offer him a drink of water. Anything to get him back to sleep without boob. The first night was horrendous - it took two hours. The second night it took one hour. Then the third night my DH just went in and put his hand on him in the cot and he settled. And on the fourth night he slept through.

I am doing a parenting course online by biglittlefeelings. They have a sale on now. It's already helped me enormously.

It explains how everything they do is normal, how to cope, how to manage your feelings as well as theirs.

In all honesty I think you need to let him and stick with a method for several weeks, screaming or not. You’re running on empty, which is why you feel short tempered, that can’t really improve until you tackle the sleep. This is something your DH can help with, it’s hard to have the resolve when you’re tired. Go and stay elsewhere for a few nights if needs be.

@Pipsickl thanks for your message.

we already cosleep and he still wakes up a lot and 95 percent of the time he only wants boobs. Recently I find a bit of a back rub will get him back to sleep but that’s rare. He still wakes 5 times a night.

i tried the gentle night weaning method whereby everytime he wakes up you slightly extend the gap between wake up and breastfeeding.

he just became hysterical and by the second night I just couldn’t face going through it again.

he also quite a fussy eater and the moment and some days doesn’t eat that much. He won’t accept a bottle so I also feel like it’s cruel to deprive him of the boob if he hasn’t eaten much that day. I just don’t know

*let him scream I mean. Not leaving him to CIO necessarily but not giving in and feeding either