To ask how to be a better mum

[strawberrycheesecake1989]

My toddler is 20 months and the past 2 months I’m really struggling to cope. He’s never slept through the night, he always wants boob and something has just changed in me the past couple months where I just don’t have the patience I once had.

i just find my self despairing and I’m turning into a shouty mum.

I’m just always shouting. I’m not shouting at him or in his face or anything. I’m not scaring him. But I’m scaring myself that I’m becoming this mum who just doesn’t have the patience I once did.

everything is a battle, he has tantrum after tantrum. He sees me open the front door because I have a delivery and then close the door HE HAS THE BIGGEST TANTRUM because I wants to go out the front door and I don’t let him. Writhing around on the floor screaming his head off.

he won’t let me out a jumper on him before we leave the house… another tantrum.

he’s rarely ever content to just be sat in the buggy.

i take him to the playground. He wants to leave out the gate and go and play with a parked car, I obviously stop him… massive tantrum!

i feel like I just spend the whole day shouting no and shouting that I can’t cope. every night I tell myself I’m going to be more patient and calm and by the morning time the same just repeats itself.

he’s never slept through, I feel like I’m on a 24 hour shift that never ends.

please can anyone offer me any advice on to how to be patient and not lose my temper and stop being a shouty mum. It’s making me hate myself.

thanks if you made it this far x

Stop breastfeeding.

He's probably a fussy eater as he's having too much milk.

I'd get your DH on board and go and have a night away or stop at a friends or your mums and leave him to get on with it. Tough love but you need to set boundaries and stick to them no matter how hard.

Night wean. Ask your husband to do what he can. Try it for 7 days. Be there.

Being there = equals gentle. Hold him, support him. You'll feel worse before it gets better.

If you feel like you're losing it, step outside, breathe - recharge for a few minutes, go back inside.

So he screams.

Comfort him, cuddle him, soothe him, sing to him, just don't offer the breast.

It is hard though. Some kids would happily bf til 5 or 6. An old colleague wanted to wait til her child self weaned but gave up when they were turning 4 as were approaching start of school and were still utterly boob obsessed and showing zero sign of willingness to stop!

And me 👋🏻

Look up Dr Siggie on Instagram. She’s from
the school of firm but calm boundaries and I find her posts very helpful but not patronising like
some of the annoying mummy instagrammers.

you aren’t doing anything wrong, this is all normal, challenging behaviour at 20 months and you are tired.

I had the same with my
Eldest feeding until 3 because I could not cope with the hysteria but at times it drove me a little mad (especially when I had a newborn to feed too!)

mine also hated the buggy - don’t worry about it/don’t compare with other children!

Sleep training! It was rough for the first few nights but we made it and 9 times out of 10 now get a good 11hrs a night. The occasional wake up but baby will tend to settle themselves now rather than needing me to go in.

Like PP said you could do with getting a good rest though before you try it so you're refreshed and ready.

Also... And this is totally personal. I'd stop breastfeeding personally. I couldn't cope with what you describe. But again that's me, I'm not saying you should.

OP, I am in exactly the same shoes, although I'm a single parent and mine is a couple of months older.

I'm burned out. I'm not the gentle and patient mum I want to be and was even 3 months ago.

I've never had even three hours away or alone in nearly 2 years (except when they're asleep)! I have no childcare, no help and no support.

I know I need time for myself so I can be a more patient mum, but it's not possible right now. Following for advice x

This takes me back, my son was exactly the same at that age. Sleep (can you nap with him etc?) and self care is important, make sure you're resting (even just a flask of tea and putting your feet up for 5 mins here and there). Eating well, involve him in it if that helps.

Find things you enjoy that you can slot in to your day. Music you like whilst you clean or play together, put him in a wrap or carrier and walk with an audio book or podcast whilst going to get a nice coffee or nature time. Doing arty things if you're creative etc.

Adjusting expectations and reassessing or reframing things can help enormously. E.g. what is the goal of the jumper, for him to be obedient or warm? With the latter you can understand as the adult that you can bring the jumper and put it on him later once he's cold (perhaps whilst he's distracted looking at something else, e.g. can you hold X for me and as he's thinking about that you pop the jumper on).
Make it playful and be logical. Pre-empt things. You know he loves cars so bring a toy car, or you say brmmm brmmm and scoop him up playfully, remind him cars are dangerous and help him look safely. What's the goal of the playground, is it for you or him? If he doesn't like it just now then it's fine to do what he does like. He has needs and wants too and you're adjusting.

Look for the needs behind his behaviours and often you'll see they're developmentally appropriate and take 2 minutes to engage and resolve. Verbalise what he seems to be feeling, it helps a lot, then offer alternatives and empathise. This is how they learn to deal with emotions, if you look at it that way it isn't so draining.

Sometimes a diary and noting difficulties and wins can help. Usually we feel annoyed and shouty because we feel disrespected or out of control. When you reflect on a tantrum you can see that it's not personal, he's overwhelmed with emotion and it's your job to help not control. Its usually difficult because we were told what to do as children so it's triggering when our children don't. Imagine you're him. A silent mantra of 'It's not about me' can give you a second to calm down. Then you can see why he's upset and how you can help him learn to manage. It's far better than having an adult tantrum 😋 It builds your relationship and his skills.

Horribly long response but I hope that's helpful.

Just here to say I shout too. And hate myself for it. But in the moment it just happens. I wish I was a better mum.

We're all just trying our best and I dare say if we were a fly on the wall in the houses of other toddlers we would probably see similar things in more houses than we think.

i think starting tomorrow Im going to get my husband to cosleep with him and I’ll go in the spare room.

that way although I won’t be in the bed he’ll be in the usual comfort of where he normally sleeps. It would be nice to slowly transition him into his cot too but he moves around and thrashes about so much I think he’d hurt himself in a cot. Besides, the bed is a super king mattress on the floor so he’s perfectly safe on it so maybe that’s fine.

thanks everyone, I’m already feeling a bit better. It’s nice to know I’m not the only once who feels like this too. really hated myself today. And my life.

never on my wildest dreams imagined motherhood would be this hard

well here’s the thing
totally normal how you are feeling
totally normal how he is behaving

what worked for me other than crying into a pillow 🤪

other ideas are available of course

at last feed

milk says night night see you in the morning, booby has gone to sleep night night boob 😂

repeat all night

literally one night might be enough

soon after oooh big boys get their own bed and that’s where bedtime stories happen (mattress on the floor). Big boy beds say no mummies allowed see you in the morning

clearly bathtime is daddy’s job (while you get half an hour to get ready for bed in peace)

also breakfast is daddy’s job after morning boob so you get a nice hot shower in peace

don’t compromise on these daddy baby opportunities they will get the hang of it in fact they need to start having the opportunity to get the hang of it, you need this time and boundary to be yourself

additionally toddler wrangling is simply a case of time allow wayyy more time
for everything in your day to enjoy wonder in everything he finds wonderful and boundaries are safety driven (diversion is better than No where time allows)

don’t waste your energy worrying about a jumper just take it with you

this too shall pass ❤️

That's do hard but unfortunately pretty typical. He could also be getting his molars which is why he wants to feed all the time.

You need rest and luckily your partner is around and not working. Your boy and partner will find a way to settle you have to let them work it out. Can you go away for night? Come home early band take over do your partner can rest. I 'went out,' and then snuck back in the house.

As for shoutiness, you want to change so that's the first part. With rest you'll be better able to regulate your emotions. Then do the whole deep breaths, walk away and rinse and repeat some you'll win some you'll lose.

Lots of luck

I think at this point you need sleep, end of.
that’s more important than breastfeeding at 20 months; by a zillion miles. It’s literally not worth the lack of sleep for you.
in your shoes; I would do whatever it took to get some sleep. Hotel for a night on my own. Your DH can do a night or two after twenty months of no sleep… You are a Saint. I’d have cracked a long time before 20 months!! After about 3 weeks more like. X

@Nyfluff thank you so much. That was packed with so much practical advise Im really going to take all of this on board and internalise this starting tomorrow morning.

want tomorrow to be a fresh start. Don’t want to be this mum anymore so I’m hoping to turn over a new page. Thank you so much

Just to add to my previoud novel, BF often peaks at this time due to painful teething and cognitive and social development. It's the comfort when realising their new abilities and place in the suddenly big world, omegas before that huge vocabulary explosion, and natural pain relievers due to molars. It's common and it passes.

I had an aversion develop that age too. The feeding reduced dramatically a couple of months later. (I happened to be so glad I continued otherwise DC would've ended up in hospital twice due to illness if it weren't for the bm, the frequent nursing can also be due to viral exposure).

Can dad take a day off work or weekends and take him out? I say this kindly, many children are in nursery at that age and can go a full day without a feed (I BF, I get that it's hard) that was you dont need to upset the night routine and you can have a day where half the time you can chill and then other half sleep. That way you dont have to tackle nights which is when you are tiredest.

If you are determined to do night weaning thinking of it like this...one night of him being distressed is better than a day of shouty mum. Both adults can sleep from 7pm - 1am of you have to and one does 1- 4am, the other 4-7. That way you both get full sleep. Good luck.

Wow, parenting is so tough, I have 2 boys- they fed till they were 4.5 and 2.5 when I got pregnant again and my milk dried up early on. The night feeding can be so exhausting - the wakings/ constant hunger and that’s just for you! It certainly means I become shouty mummy as well!

The funny part of breast feeding is there is pressure to start, maintain but then no support around stopping or how to stop with older babies who need boobs for food and comfort, once they are at that point convincing them they don’t want boob is hard work.

firstly he is 18 months, he is so little.
if you stop feeding at night he might sleep through or you might just be stuck with him waking up and then having no magic solution.

like your son my oldest was a terrible eater, until he was about 2.5 and he started to eat, but I remember at 18 months he would just want boob, I would get home from work and he would be superglued, weekends would be boob all the time if we weren’t actively doing something, which is hard when you just want to stop and relax at times.

If you want to stop feeding then you probably need to own it. My husband was useless so it was on me and it is hard. I tried saying no/ back rubs/ offering something else but it was hard and I worked full time so would give up. Especially when he would complain that he was being kept up by them being upset. They accepted no boob at night when there was no milk and they knew there was no milk.

if you want to continue then magnesium supplements are supposed to help and Epsom salt baths. I haven’t ever organised myself to get them but I can say multivitamins really help me. I had success at this age with countdowns when I was overwhelmed. After a few weeks they would pop off before I finished and the counting helps to focus you as well. I’ve also found allowing the uninterrupted boob can really help, I used to go out, come back after lunch and just curl up on the sofa, put a film on , snacks, drinks and just embrace it. Mine would frequently nod off and then just enjoy the nap or have my own one there.

it sounds like you could do with some more support, if you choose to continue breast feeding maybe try a la leche local meet up, they have mums feeding all ages and it can be really great to be with other mums on their feeding journeys for that support. I’ve met some great people and we don’t just chat about boobs.

tantrums- it really is age and just him expressing a view but it is hard work! Boobs here can be your friend if you want. There are countless times I’ve just offered boob to stop the tantrum. Now mine are not feeding I offer hugs, they just connect with me differently but it still offers a quick result. otherwise preparation is key, plan for the day, being out to run off energy . Snacks- all the snacks and drinks to prevent tantrums related to hunger/thirst, activities at home, keeping each activity to 30 mins unless he wants more. For my own sanity we did a variety, build the train track, painting, singing blah blah blah.

i hope you are able to find a way to get the balance back whatever you choose to do. Good luck!

If a back rub helps him try rubbing his back when he has milk so he associated the comfort x

This is a very judgey comment. It often happens actually that even after weaning baby still wakes up at night - and the easiest way to resettle baby (=boob) is then no longer available!

Stop with saying that your kid will " only settle" for you. You are creating a rod for your own back there.

Also. Get headphones to ignore your kid screaming at you. Your dh is off work right now?make the most of it.

And start sleeptraining. And weening him off the breast. He sounds like hes got you wrapped around his finger vs actually needing certain things

OP, two things that helped me at that age:

1. When he tantrums, 'translate' what he is saying into a more mature statement. He really is just saying 'Thats so frustrating to me that I can't play with that parked car!' It doesn't mean that you're wrong to stop him or even that he is upset with you for stopping him. He is just expressing his frustration. Because he's not mature enough yet to say 'Ah you're right mummy, it's clearly too dangerous, gaah how frustrating', instead he just screams. I think becoming aware that he is just expressing an emotion and this doesn't mean anything is actually wrong, can help us not take it personally.

2. When you're really angry or annoyed with your DS, try telling him what you're thinking/feeling but just in your head. Lets it out of your system (rather than you trying to repress it) but not out loud!

I had to go cold turkey on feeding DS2 at 20m. He suddenly became quite demanding and random about it and I found that very off-putting. He'd coped with me going to work at 10m too (would only take milk from source)
I'd had to go cold turkey at night at 18m for my sanity. Again I'd been working for months and after 3 years of two pregnancies/ babies buggering up my sleep near constantly, it was time to sleep again.

DH was sent in to deal with night wakings for about 4 nights and it all rapidly calmed down. I'd say "no milk, all gone".

DS2 is still very huggy and likes the occasional co-sleep... he's 9. Waiting for "natural weaning" would have broken me.

On clothes, it turned out that DS1 has SPD and is very particular about clothing. I quickly (maybe not that quickly) learned to just take what he needs so it's avaliable if he actually looks cold, which is surprisingly rare. He's made it to 11 without hypothermia while dressed permanently in shorts/ t-shirt.

Sleep is a battle worth persisting with for a few nights.
Very little else is worth it.

This is a very general sort of point but I do find that often when giving advice on toddlers MN seems to treat all of them as if they have the same level of understanding of a child of around two and a half.

My eighteen month old just wouldn’t understand a lot of this advice. He wouldn’t understand trying to comfort him through a tantrum by verbalising it or even ‘no milk.’ He also won’t settle for anyone but me overnight and posts telling me I need to ‘stop saying it’ simply won’t alter or change this fact.

DS seems in a generally better mood now but about a week ago was going through an awful phase where like you I felt I was doing 24 hour shifts with no break, and 24 hour shifts as personal slave to an extremely demanding and unreasonable employer! So I really sympathise.

I tried this night weaning method with the same effect, I think it was too gentle and gradual for my DS in fact (& I'm a crunchy attachment parenting wanker so I was surprised lol) but I think trying to delay feeding each time just made him furious and confused. I waited til he'd just turned 2 and then tried again with a different approach, a friend lent me a picturebook called "Nursies When The Sun Shines" and we read it every day for a few days, then at bedtime i told him "you don't need boob in the night any more because you're so big and so good at eating food" (not true, he's fussy as hell 😅) "boob is going to sleep like in the book, you can have more in the morning"

First few nights were horrendous - he was up at least every hour tantruming for milk. But only for a few mins each time thankfully. I just offered cuddles & water (in a Special New Bottle with dinosaurs on it, just for big boys who don't need boob at night anymore 😅) and then gave in and fed him at around 4.30am each morning as the sun was almost up and I couldn't cope any longer... after 4 or 5 nights like that it suddenly got much better and now he wakes once or twice in the night and will usually settle after 2 minutes with a cuddle or water.

I found that night weaning didn't make my son have any fewer tantrums but it did make me feel more patient and in control.

For help with tantrums I really recommend the book "How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen", it says its for parents of 3-7 year olds but there's lots of stuff in there I found really useful from when my son was only 1.

Sending hugs. Motherhood is the hardest fucking job and you're not alone xxx

You are exhausted and your child is exhausted. It's not surprising that you are both feeling awful. I'd stop all breastfeeding cold-turkey. I stopped feeding all four of my kids abruptly and it was amazing how quickly they got used to it. It was literally a couple of days. They all went straight to cups. I found they then ate better at mealtimes and that their sleep improved immensely.