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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepped back as bridesmaid 5 weeks before wedding. AIBU?

67 replies

FTM2B1 · 09/05/2022 19:40

Both myself and my close friend have been planning our weddings since pre-covid times, and both have had to move our weddings due to the pandemic.

Mine was moved to this year but we have moved it again as our first baby is due and it would have been too much to have the baby and the wedding so close together.

My friends wedding is scheduled for mid June this year and is several hundred miles away from where we live.

She asked me to be bridesmaid last year before I knew I was pregnant. Once we found out I spoke to her about the timing of the pregnancy and the wedding. She gave me the option to attend as a guest or remain as bridesmaid on the understanding that either way, I might not be able to make her wedding. I agreed to remain as bridesmaid and got on with organising the hen party, attending bridal dress appointments and helping with other duties such as proof reading invitations, helping with centre pieces and helping select the colour scheme for flowers, dresses, decor etc.

The original plan discussed with the bride to be was to decide by end April if we could attend or not. If baby arrived early, we would make the journey, if baby hadn't arrived by then we would not attend. End April came and she told me she was just counting us as attending and if we later realised we wouldn't be able to, she'd just drop us off the list. I told her if that incurred any fees with the venue to let me know and I'd cover them.

The wedding is now 5 weeks away and I am past my due date. As my partner does not drive, the only way we could make the wedding would be if I drove (I'm not comfortable taking such a new baby on a series of trains). As I don't know when baby will arrive or how my birth and recovery will be, I've decided not to attend the wedding. I've spoken to the other bridesmaids and the venue and have arranged for a charcuterie platter , champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries to be sent to the bridal suite for the wedding party to share the night before the wedding. For now this is a surprise and the bride doesn't know. I've also ordered some matching robes champagne flutes and slippers for the bridal party for the night before.

I contacted the bride via WhatsApp today to explain my position and have said we will have celebrate with her and her new husband when we are able to be together again, and that if she needs any support or help with last minute arrangements to let me know and I'll do what I can to continue to help her get ready for the big day. We usually keep in touch over WhatsApp and video call once every 4-6 weeks so it's not an unusual form of communication. Although I know for such a conversation I really should have phoned her rather than text. I've been feeling a bit over emotional the last couple of weeks and chickened out of phoning in case she reacted badly and we both got upset.

Anyway she saw my message minutes after I sent it but hasn't responded all day - it's been about 12 hours which is unusual. I understand she will likely be disappointed/upset and I dont blame her, but I don't want this to ruin the friendship.

AIBU for stepping back? Is there anything else I could do to try and make it up to her?

OP posts:
laurenlodge · 09/05/2022 19:43

YANBU to step back. YABU not to have called her and to have done it over WhatsApp.

Newpuppymummy · 09/05/2022 19:43

She’s probably disappointed and not wanting to send a text until her initial feelings have worn off a bit.

Namechanger355 · 09/05/2022 19:48

Perfectly Reasonable that you can’t make it but I would now call her

MarJau26 · 09/05/2022 19:52

I don't think anyone will blame you for not attending. It's too close to baby arriving. I do think you handled it badly, it's not too late apologize for not giving her a call and explain the situation. It seems like you both have been reasonable thus far, so don't leave this last bit on an awkward note.

Gazelda · 09/05/2022 20:02

Can you call her and apologise for giving her the news by WhatsApp but hopefully she's free now for a phone convo?

Don't leave this hanging while you're in labour etc!

She must now your due date, and will have an idea that as your overdue you might be dropping out. Call her and clear the air, wish her well.

Lochjeda · 09/05/2022 20:06

You absolutely need to call her. You definitely shouldn't of done it over WhatsApp.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 09/05/2022 20:09

You need to call her. You owe her that. She is probably upset. You know it's the right thing to do. But please call her

FairyCakeWings · 09/05/2022 20:11

Your decision was fair and the right one, but it wasn’t nice to tell her on a text message. I think it might have been better to wait until it was obvious that you wouldn’t be able to come because then it comes across as less of a choice.

PeskyYeti · 09/05/2022 20:12

Agree you're not being unreasonable but a call to reiterate how sorry you are would be best right now.

daretodenim · 09/05/2022 20:12

I think it's really easy when you're used to using WhatsApp to get in a habit and kind of forget about calling sometimes. I've done it myself.

Call her and tell her. If she doesn't answer wait until tomorrow and try again. If she's ignoring you then message to apologise so at least she can see. She's probably disappointed and maybe hurt you didn't call to tell her but she sounds very reasonable so don't over think it.

Isonthecase · 09/05/2022 20:12

Yep, definitely call her now. You've given her a chance to get her feelings in order before a chat but it is up to you to give her a call to apologise.

Obviously you can't go - for a start a newborn couldn't travel for that long - and you've both been clear and fair so I doubt it'll be something you can't get over.

If you need a steer, I'd just ring and say how sorry you are not to make it and how disappointed you are but that you've organised some special treats for her on the day and are looking forward to seeing all the lovely photos and celebrating with her when you can.

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 20:15

YANBU for not being able to attend.

But YABU for not calling her.

I think what you have arranged in your absence is lovely but I would try and drop her a call tomorrow.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/05/2022 20:16

Yep agree with everyone that you should have called her

MouseRoar · 09/05/2022 20:16

if she's pissed off she's being a bit precious, I think. This has been on the cards since day 1, how can it be a surprise for her?
Maybe the stress of the wedding is getting to her and she'll snap out of her strop soon.
Good luck with the baby!

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 20:16

And I think she's being abit unreasonable, knowing your due date, knowing all along you may not be able to attend etc.

Nosetickle · 09/05/2022 20:21

Call her but you said that if by the end of April the baby hadn’t arrived you wouldn’t be attending so I’m confused why she thought you were.

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 20:22

You should have called her. No amount of Ham and Strawberries is going to make up for you not being there so there's no point throwing meat platters and dressing gowns at it. Just give her a ring and talk to her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/05/2022 20:29

I think I'd again offer to pay if she has already paid for your place and its non refundable.

Better for her to take a breath and respond later than say something she doesn't mean in the heat of the moment. Sometimes sleeping on things helps. Maybe she is just overwhelmed with the last minute arrangements and now has to re do a seating plan etc

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/05/2022 20:37

Is this your first baby? I would have been fine to attend a wedding 4/5 weeks post birth. I suppose everyone is different though.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2022 20:41

You told her over Whatsapp? 🤦

Onwards22 · 09/05/2022 20:41

I think you made the right decision and it sounds like you are both close and have spoken several times about the fact you may not attend.

She obviously loves you very much so she could be feeling upset that you’re not coming but you did say that if you hadn’t had the baby yet you wouldn’t be coming so it’s hardly a shock to her.

Me and my friends don’t tend to ring each other so it wouldn’t bother me if someone told me over text. Tbh I’d prefer a text so I can think of a good reply and not be put on the spot.

HSKAT · 09/05/2022 20:42

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/05/2022 20:37

Is this your first baby? I would have been fine to attend a wedding 4/5 weeks post birth. I suppose everyone is different though.

I wouldn't of been be able to mind

Changingdirections · 09/05/2022 21:15

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/05/2022 20:37

Is this your first baby? I would have been fine to attend a wedding 4/5 weeks post birth. I suppose everyone is different though.

I was still finding it hard to sit down and living on 2 hours sleep at 5 weeks so I wouldn't have been able to think of anything worse than attending a wedding!

ChoiceMummy · 09/05/2022 21:20

FTM2B1 · 09/05/2022 19:40

Both myself and my close friend have been planning our weddings since pre-covid times, and both have had to move our weddings due to the pandemic.

Mine was moved to this year but we have moved it again as our first baby is due and it would have been too much to have the baby and the wedding so close together.

My friends wedding is scheduled for mid June this year and is several hundred miles away from where we live.

She asked me to be bridesmaid last year before I knew I was pregnant. Once we found out I spoke to her about the timing of the pregnancy and the wedding. She gave me the option to attend as a guest or remain as bridesmaid on the understanding that either way, I might not be able to make her wedding. I agreed to remain as bridesmaid and got on with organising the hen party, attending bridal dress appointments and helping with other duties such as proof reading invitations, helping with centre pieces and helping select the colour scheme for flowers, dresses, decor etc.

The original plan discussed with the bride to be was to decide by end April if we could attend or not. If baby arrived early, we would make the journey, if baby hadn't arrived by then we would not attend. End April came and she told me she was just counting us as attending and if we later realised we wouldn't be able to, she'd just drop us off the list. I told her if that incurred any fees with the venue to let me know and I'd cover them.

The wedding is now 5 weeks away and I am past my due date. As my partner does not drive, the only way we could make the wedding would be if I drove (I'm not comfortable taking such a new baby on a series of trains). As I don't know when baby will arrive or how my birth and recovery will be, I've decided not to attend the wedding. I've spoken to the other bridesmaids and the venue and have arranged for a charcuterie platter , champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries to be sent to the bridal suite for the wedding party to share the night before the wedding. For now this is a surprise and the bride doesn't know. I've also ordered some matching robes champagne flutes and slippers for the bridal party for the night before.

I contacted the bride via WhatsApp today to explain my position and have said we will have celebrate with her and her new husband when we are able to be together again, and that if she needs any support or help with last minute arrangements to let me know and I'll do what I can to continue to help her get ready for the big day. We usually keep in touch over WhatsApp and video call once every 4-6 weeks so it's not an unusual form of communication. Although I know for such a conversation I really should have phoned her rather than text. I've been feeling a bit over emotional the last couple of weeks and chickened out of phoning in case she reacted badly and we both got upset.

Anyway she saw my message minutes after I sent it but hasn't responded all day - it's been about 12 hours which is unusual. I understand she will likely be disappointed/upset and I dont blame her, but I don't want this to ruin the friendship.

AIBU for stepping back? Is there anything else I could do to try and make it up to her?

So, you could be giving birth imminently, with an uneventful birth, be flying high in 5 weeks yet have decided today to pull out, by whatsapp.

Personally, I think that you are unreasonable to pull out now, when you've got to this point in the pregnancy and at this point before the wedding.

And regardless of justification, pulling out over WhatsApp is unforgiveable and cowardly. That alone should tell you your behaviour is unreasonable otherwise you'd have had the guts to speak or video call her.

alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 21:21

I think with hindsight you should have dropped out earlier, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. You've really tried to be there and to do as much as possible to make her day be special - it's hugely disappointing, but it's for a good reason. Give her a chance to accept the disappointment and then have a proper chat. I'm sure she'll just be upset about how circumstances have worked out, not upset at you.