Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepped back as bridesmaid 5 weeks before wedding. AIBU?

67 replies

FTM2B1 · 09/05/2022 19:40

Both myself and my close friend have been planning our weddings since pre-covid times, and both have had to move our weddings due to the pandemic.

Mine was moved to this year but we have moved it again as our first baby is due and it would have been too much to have the baby and the wedding so close together.

My friends wedding is scheduled for mid June this year and is several hundred miles away from where we live.

She asked me to be bridesmaid last year before I knew I was pregnant. Once we found out I spoke to her about the timing of the pregnancy and the wedding. She gave me the option to attend as a guest or remain as bridesmaid on the understanding that either way, I might not be able to make her wedding. I agreed to remain as bridesmaid and got on with organising the hen party, attending bridal dress appointments and helping with other duties such as proof reading invitations, helping with centre pieces and helping select the colour scheme for flowers, dresses, decor etc.

The original plan discussed with the bride to be was to decide by end April if we could attend or not. If baby arrived early, we would make the journey, if baby hadn't arrived by then we would not attend. End April came and she told me she was just counting us as attending and if we later realised we wouldn't be able to, she'd just drop us off the list. I told her if that incurred any fees with the venue to let me know and I'd cover them.

The wedding is now 5 weeks away and I am past my due date. As my partner does not drive, the only way we could make the wedding would be if I drove (I'm not comfortable taking such a new baby on a series of trains). As I don't know when baby will arrive or how my birth and recovery will be, I've decided not to attend the wedding. I've spoken to the other bridesmaids and the venue and have arranged for a charcuterie platter , champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries to be sent to the bridal suite for the wedding party to share the night before the wedding. For now this is a surprise and the bride doesn't know. I've also ordered some matching robes champagne flutes and slippers for the bridal party for the night before.

I contacted the bride via WhatsApp today to explain my position and have said we will have celebrate with her and her new husband when we are able to be together again, and that if she needs any support or help with last minute arrangements to let me know and I'll do what I can to continue to help her get ready for the big day. We usually keep in touch over WhatsApp and video call once every 4-6 weeks so it's not an unusual form of communication. Although I know for such a conversation I really should have phoned her rather than text. I've been feeling a bit over emotional the last couple of weeks and chickened out of phoning in case she reacted badly and we both got upset.

Anyway she saw my message minutes after I sent it but hasn't responded all day - it's been about 12 hours which is unusual. I understand she will likely be disappointed/upset and I dont blame her, but I don't want this to ruin the friendship.

AIBU for stepping back? Is there anything else I could do to try and make it up to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
FTM2B1 · 09/05/2022 22:13

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for your replies - you've all been pretty much spot on and I appreciate the feedback.
I got back in touch and apologised for not calling her in the first place and asked if she'd be free for a phone call today or tomorrow. We spoke this evening and while she is disappointed, now that we have discussed it she is more understanding of why I've made this decision.

For a bit more background for the forum this is my first pregnancy and I'm the first in my friend group to have a baby. I've really just been very naive. It wasn't until we completed our antenatal classes and I spoke with the health visitor when the red book was dropped off that I realised things may not be as straightforward as I thought.

The wedding itself isn't the issue, the challenge is I'd need to either drive or take 2 or 3 trains down to Wales with a new born. I had assumed we could just do the journey over 2 days and it'd all be fine, which I realise now was silly. That assumes a straightforward birth and quick recovery - which might happen, but might not. As the bride had said she would be moving evening guests to the day time if we couldn't make it, I thought it better to step back now, so that she had time to make other arrangements if she wanted to do so.

As some of you have said, hindsight is a wonderful thing. If I could go back and do things again I'd have stepped back sooner and I'd have definitely handled the conversation much more considerately. Lesson learned, and I think luckily, disaster averted.

OP posts:
HSKAT · 09/05/2022 22:42

Pleased you have spoke and there is understanding there.

I think it's hard with your first as you don't know until it literally happens how you are going to feel, how things are going to go etc.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done but the most rewarding.

Wishing you well and I hope baby doesn't keep you waiting much longer.

Springhassprung86 · 09/05/2022 22:44

Glad it all worked out well op. 😊

SpeedofaSloth · 09/05/2022 22:49

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/05/2022 20:37

Is this your first baby? I would have been fine to attend a wedding 4/5 weeks post birth. I suppose everyone is different though.

I really wouldn't have been.

alltheteeshirts · 10/05/2022 01:36

I'm glad you've talked it out, and as I thought, she's just sad the stars and moons haven't aligned! 😊

malificent7 · 10/05/2022 04:14

She is being a bridezilla. Yanbu.

Vikinga · 10/05/2022 04:40

Glad it is sorted op. I would have had no problem attending a wedding when my babies were a month old (or earlier). But 4-5 hours drive, even if you're not the driver with a baby is quite a lot.

Starryskiesinthesky · 10/05/2022 05:41

I can't get over folk being upgraded from evening guests to full day guests!

Ssa1 · 10/05/2022 06:18

My best friend got married when I was pregnant and 2 weeks prior to her wedding after having organised a spa day I felt shattered. I wasn't due for another 4 weeks but spoke to hubby about how exhausted I was even after a spa. Not sure how I would cope with the wedding but will see nearer the time. 1 days before her wedding I went into labour and baby arrived 3 and half weeks early.

You are not being unreasonable and I am sure she will understand. Having a baby is a life changing event just as getting married is and I'm sure when the time comes for herself in the future you will be just as understanding. You have been so good and organised everything despite being heavily pregnant yourself.

PurBal · 10/05/2022 06:36

Hm. I attended a wedding with DS at 4w across the country (6 hour drive, and lots of stopping). But I had a straightforward birth and I wasn’t BM. I think you dropped at a weird time, close to the wedding but before your baby is born. I’m sure it will all work out fine.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2022 06:51

I think you've made the right decision - even if you feel fine after the birth, your baby would be very young to do a long car trip in a car seat, and there are numerous potential issues that you can't foresee until they happen!

Glad you've now spoken to her as well though.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/05/2022 06:55

@BaaMoon Lol!

StoppinBy · 10/05/2022 06:57

I would have left it to the last minute to make the decision given that she is ok with you not attending.

You may or may not be ok to go in 5 weeks time.

Maybe you could take that approach even though you have already said No.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/05/2022 06:58

Your partner needs to learn to drive regardless of wedding plans.

Original poster
FTM2B1 · 10/05/2022 07:19

He's visually impaired and legally cannot.

OP posts:
alltheteeshirts · 10/05/2022 07:34

FTM2B1 · 10/05/2022 07:19

He's visually impaired and legally cannot.

But this is MN, where everyone must drive or the sky will fall down. 🙄

On another note, I hope your baby makes an appearance soon, and I wish you and your partner the very best as you navigate being new parents. 😊

Swayingpalmtrees · 10/05/2022 07:40

Of course you can NOT attend a wedding several hundred miles away at this stage op. Your baby may have been three weeks early, so I can see why you held off making a decision. It is fair enough.

It is good you have called her, and things are okay but honestly do NOT feel bad about it, its not your fault. If anything I think you have been far too accommodating! I would not even have entertained the idea of going in the first place, you have been a very good friend organising so much for her op and trying to be there.

You flagged this up to her 9 months ago! So she knew all along you may not make it. Pull back now and focus on being a new mother, which is a far bigger deal than a wedding! Look after yourself if you are overdue. Your friend will have a lovely day anyway, and you have some pretty big moments coming up now.

Imissprosecco · 10/05/2022 07:46

@malificent7 how is she being a bridezilla? Sounds to me like she's been very understanding. Being disappointed isn't being a bridezilla. Bridesmaids are expensive so she may be out of pocket.

OP I have a young baby and I'm getting married in 4 weeks, so I can see this from both sides. I'm glad the two of you have got things sorted. Good luck with the baby!

Maireas · 10/05/2022 07:49

Starryskiesinthesky · 10/05/2022 05:41

I can't get over folk being upgraded from evening guests to full day guests!

That was my thought. These events are two tier aren't they, whatever people claim.
Imagine getting the call - good news, you've been upgraded!

Maireas · 10/05/2022 07:50

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/05/2022 20:37

Is this your first baby? I would have been fine to attend a wedding 4/5 weeks post birth. I suppose everyone is different though.

I certainly wouldn't have. Long labour/ c- section. But everyone's different, and you never know how it's going to be.

Dinoteeth · 10/05/2022 08:03

Op with my first at 5 weeks I managed 3 trains on my own to stay in DHs work hotel.
He was working away from home Mon-Fri I didn't fancy 4 nights on my own so travelled on the Tuesday. Taxi to station and 3 trains later he picked us up at the other end with carseat. OK I'd given him my stuff so I only had a couple of small bags (pram bag and backpack under the pram.) Babies so small don't need much stuff.

Different circumstances but we attended a wedding at 8 weeks too.

I think you should have held off cancelling until after the birth as you'd have a better idea of how you felt.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/05/2022 08:03

I’m so glad your friend was understanding in the end.

i stepped down as bridesmaid for my friend and gave her 6 months notice and still lost the friendship unfortunately

my situation was the exact same as yours except I had to travel abroad

Samway · 10/05/2022 08:11

I guess your friend gave you the soft option of becoming a guest rather than telling you straight that being a bridesmaid and dropping out at the last minute wouldn’t really work. Now you’ve been uber straight with her I expect she might feel a bit sore and let down. But you do sound like great friends so if you tell her from the heart that you had so wanted to be her bridesmaid that you couldn’t let go of it earlier and that you had no idea how gruelling pregnancy can be etc etc I’m sure all will be well. All the best with your new baby!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/05/2022 08:19

So the evening guests would have received an invite a while ago presumably … how does it work to change that?!

”please scrap the original invitation … we’ve had some drop outs and would now like you to fill the gaps and join us for the whole day. Much love”

MaudieandMe · 10/05/2022 08:23

You’ve done the right thing by bowing out now.

I suspect most of those who are saying they’d have attended with a young baby in tow are the sort who still have their own mummies permanently on standby, offering to look after their baby at every opportunity.

Those types of mums have zero understanding of what it’s like to never have a break or a chance to catch up on sleep. Hmm

My son is 13yrs old now and his dad and I still haven’t had a night out alone together since he was born.

Swipe left for the next trending thread