Stepped back as bridesmaid 5 weeks before wedding. AIBU?

[FTM2B1]

Both myself and my close friend have been planning our weddings since pre-covid times, and both have had to move our weddings due to the pandemic.

Mine was moved to this year but we have moved it again as our first baby is due and it would have been too much to have the baby and the wedding so close together.

My friends wedding is scheduled for mid June this year and is several hundred miles away from where we live.

She asked me to be bridesmaid last year before I knew I was pregnant. Once we found out I spoke to her about the timing of the pregnancy and the wedding. She gave me the option to attend as a guest or remain as bridesmaid on the understanding that either way, I might not be able to make her wedding. I agreed to remain as bridesmaid and got on with organising the hen party, attending bridal dress appointments and helping with other duties such as proof reading invitations, helping with centre pieces and helping select the colour scheme for flowers, dresses, decor etc.

The original plan discussed with the bride to be was to decide by end April if we could attend or not. If baby arrived early, we would make the journey, if baby hadn't arrived by then we would not attend. End April came and she told me she was just counting us as attending and if we later realised we wouldn't be able to, she'd just drop us off the list. I told her if that incurred any fees with the venue to let me know and I'd cover them.

The wedding is now 5 weeks away and I am past my due date. As my partner does not drive, the only way we could make the wedding would be if I drove (I'm not comfortable taking such a new baby on a series of trains). As I don't know when baby will arrive or how my birth and recovery will be, I've decided not to attend the wedding. I've spoken to the other bridesmaids and the venue and have arranged for a charcuterie platter , champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries to be sent to the bridal suite for the wedding party to share the night before the wedding. For now this is a surprise and the bride doesn't know. I've also ordered some matching robes champagne flutes and slippers for the bridal party for the night before.

I contacted the bride via WhatsApp today to explain my position and have said we will have celebrate with her and her new husband when we are able to be together again, and that if she needs any support or help with last minute arrangements to let me know and I'll do what I can to continue to help her get ready for the big day. We usually keep in touch over WhatsApp and video call once every 4-6 weeks so it's not an unusual form of communication. Although I know for such a conversation I really should have phoned her rather than text. I've been feeling a bit over emotional the last couple of weeks and chickened out of phoning in case she reacted badly and we both got upset.

Anyway she saw my message minutes after I sent it but hasn't responded all day - it's been about 12 hours which is unusual. I understand she will likely be disappointed/upset and I dont blame her, but I don't want this to ruin the friendship.

AIBU for stepping back? Is there anything else I could do to try and make it up to her?

WhatsApp wtf

You don't do a message like that on WhatsApp.

You phone and have a conversation 🤦‍♀️

Ah that's so true!

Yanbu, plans change your friend will understand.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

I wouldn’t have been and nor would I want to attend a wedding 5 weeks post birth

Nothing could be further from the truth. Never had any help (parents live abroad) my ex worked away a lot and had to look after my 4 kids on my own.

I don't understand why you couldn't have gotten babysitters when your child was younger and why on earth you can't leave your child for the evening at home on his own?

@MaudieandMe thats quite unusual even if you don’t have support nearby. Fair enough if you’re happy with that though.

Hasn't your DS been on any school trips, Cub camps, scouts, sleepovers with friends?

Depends on circumstances. If a neighbour who I liked, but didn't know very well, issued a last-minute invitation because other wedding guests had pulled out, I wouldn't mind at all. In that scenario, I wouldn't have expected to be invited in the first place, and would be happy to go along and wish them well

I’m not sure why she thought you were attending as baby wasn’t here by end of April,

I Would have been fine attending a wedding 5w later

we attended an 80th aunts birthday party 3w later who was 4hrs drive but we planned route and stops around feeds

but diff was dh drove and I did say if didn’t feel up to it we wouldn’t go

Def not the case my mum died 3yrs before our dd was born and dh parents both died many years ago

i do find it very weird that your son Is 13 and you have never left him to go out ever !,

we pay for babysitters or ask a friend or her adult big sister babysits

No definitely not the case.

The first time my PFB stayed over with anyone they were 9mths old.
I did first big train trip at 5 weeks on my own DH collecting us at the other end. Ok I only had 2 small bags and the pram. But no extra help for wedding at 8 weeks.

Have baby will travel. I still think it was would make more sense to see how birth went before pulling out at this stage.

Op don't let people scare you into thinking post birth is horrendous and you'll never sleep again.

Unbelievably Rude.

@RosesAndHellebores

Your partner needs to learn to drive regardless of wedding plans

Would you be as rude to a Deaf DH and tell them they should learn to answer the phone for their wife if she's indisposed?

Honestly, stop and think and remember that not everyone has the same opportunities in life.

Not holding my breath that you'll come back and apologise to the OP for your presumption and rudeness, but here's a clue - you should.

@TheHighStreetsAreDying yes of course I am sorry to have said that if the ops dh is visually impaired. However it would be helpful to have known that.

I don't think it's bad you used WhatsApp. It gave her a chance to get over her initial disappointment before you spoke

Glad to hear it’s sorted.

To pp's that would be there no matter - if you have a c-section, some car insurance companies wouldn’t insure you to drive until after 6 week check. I didn’t have a c-section but had an infected episiotomy (side note OP - if it fucking hurts get them to swab), at 5 weeks I could still barely sit properly. Things don’t always go to plan, so perfectly reasonable that OP might not be ready to travel so far with a newborn.

OP - I wish you all the best with your newborn. It’s exhausting but such an exciting time.

It might have been useful not to presume there's no reason someone can't drive. Or asking instead of making a statement that implies everyone will be able to, leaving those who can't feeling a bit shit and implying they are somehow less valuable as a partner.