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Original poster

Separated parents of MN: Would you tell your ex if your child was hospitalised?

115 replies

PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 08:36

My husband has young children with his ex partner and recently one of them has suffered a nasty accident which left them unconscious. They had to go to hospital in an ambulance.

My husband wasn't informed until the following day, after his child had been discharged. He also wasn't informed of the extent of the injuries (the unconsciousness and the fact that the child now requires reconstructive surgery)

We don't live in the same town as the children, because mum moved away but my husband has them 50% of time. The children do not have their own mobile phones.

The court order doesn't specify that mum has to tell dad about accidents, just that he is to be "consulted" on matters of health and education. So, I guess she isn't breaking any rules.

What do others think? Is this reasonable behaviour?

Their divorce was acrimonious and they don't get on (understatement).

OP posts:
Original poster
PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 08:37

Ah, of course my husband has parental responsibility. They were married when the children were born.

OP posts:
Giraffe888 · 09/05/2022 08:38

My DSS had an accident 18 months ago that required surgery under GA. DH’s ex didn’t inform him until 2 days later

I personally think it’s disgusting behaviour to not inform a parent!

Sirzy · 09/05/2022 08:40

In the situation you described when he is obviously a very involved father then yes he should have been told. I am assuming if the boot was on the other foot she would expect to be told

Dudds · 09/05/2022 08:42

Of course they should be told, that is not good. Poor kid probably wanted his mum and dad there, parents need to grow up in this scenario and put their past grievances to one side for the sake of the child (unless domestic violence is involved of course, then safety of all parties is paramount)

Littlemissweepy · 09/05/2022 08:44

For something serious like that, where they were admitted, yes I would tell my ex-h. I have had a couple trips up to a&e with suspected fractures etc and I haven’t mentioned it straight away, waiting until after X-ray etc so I have some straight facts to communicate. Didn't want him joining us in the waiting room making a fuss and doing the concerned dad act when he doesn’t care enough to pay maintenance/ attend parents evenings/ concerts etc.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 08:44

Yes, he should have been told right away as he is a full Co-parent. I agree parents should set aside their dislike of each other to do the best for their children.

PumpkinsandKittens · 09/05/2022 08:46

No but my ex is not involved. But in this case and as he has then 50% of the time yes he should have been told.

Original poster
PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 08:46

Mmm. I must admit, I don't approve of it. My husband is beside himself too. But my friend (also separated) says she wouldn't have told her ex husband.

No domestic violence, just a nasty break up.

Mum lives 25 mins away but the hospital is actually closer to us than it is to her!

OP posts:
timestheyarechanging · 09/05/2022 08:50

I definitely would and have. My son fell off his bike in the woods at 13 and one of his friends called me and I obv rushed up there (few mins away) to take him to hospital. I called my ex as soon as we got to the hospital and he got there just before our son went for x rays. He needed stitches in his knee and broke his collar bone. We were both there. Dreadful not telling the other parent.

Itwasntmeright · 09/05/2022 08:51

Yes, he definitely should have been told.

with my DS father however it’s a bit different because he isn’t involved at all, and they’ve been no contact for a few years. if it was something that could be fixed then I probably wouldn’t bother to tell him, but if something like serious illness god forbid then I would have to, if I could get through to him, he’s blocked me.

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 08:54

He absolutely should have been told. I can understand in the initial few hours not thinking straight but after that there is no excuse.

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 08:55

She would have been beside herself with anguish.
Maybe she was waiting for something concrete to relate
Maybe she had other more important things to do, like organise her other kids,
Speak to police, doctors...

Mayorquimby2 · 09/05/2022 08:58

Disgusting behaviour

Sirzy · 09/05/2022 09:01

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 08:55

She would have been beside herself with anguish.
Maybe she was waiting for something concrete to relate
Maybe she had other more important things to do, like organise her other kids,
Speak to police, doctors...

And he could have helped with those things.

would You be trying to justify if it was a Father not telling the Mother?

Theresamagicalplace · 09/05/2022 09:02

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 08:55

She would have been beside herself with anguish.
Maybe she was waiting for something concrete to relate
Maybe she had other more important things to do, like organise her other kids,
Speak to police, doctors...

If they had been together I bet she'd have made time to tell him though. It's disgusting to not involve the other parent, especially when they are so involved usually. But the woman is always in the right of course 🙄

Rainbowqueeen · 09/05/2022 09:02

Yes
i can understand he wasn’t her first priority but yes he should have been told

Original poster
PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 09:02

Mmm. I do understand that the kid's mum would have been stressed out and maybe didn't think to call my husband. But I'm not 100% convinced that the thought wouldn't have crossed her mind even once.

And, if she did need anyone to take the other child, my husband should have been the obvious choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 09:04

I wish there was something we could do to prevent this from happening again.
Should have had this eventuality put into the court order from the start, I suppose...

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 09/05/2022 09:04

Begrudgingly, yes I would tell him.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/05/2022 09:07

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 08:55

She would have been beside herself with anguish.
Maybe she was waiting for something concrete to relate
Maybe she had other more important things to do, like organise her other kids,
Speak to police, doctors...

Stop trying to justify it. I'm divorced and informing my ex husband would be top priority if DS was in hospital.

ImAvingOops · 09/05/2022 09:08

It takes less than a minute to call someone - in the circumstances you describe, then yes, she absolutely should have called him. Different where a father isn't involved at all or does nothing to care for their child.

I wouldn't be inclined to let this go tbh. I bet she would do her nut if your husband kept this from her, so it absolutely should be dealt with. I think she might have broken their agreement if it states consultation on medical/health matters.

purpleme12 · 09/05/2022 09:09

Yes I would tell her dad.
I tell her dad the essentials about her

HerrenaHarridan · 09/05/2022 09:09

It’s all very well making sweeping statements but it very much depends on circumstances

the last time my ex saw my daughter was when he was removed by hospital security from her ward as he was frightening the other children.

You may be surprised to hear i don’t track him down every time her condition requires admission although I did make sure his parents knew when she went in for major surgery… that’s when we had the above incident so go ahead and judge me… idgaf

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 09:10

It might take an heroic nterpretation of 'consulting about health' that wouldn't involve a notification of a significant event like the one you described. A decent parent would put the children first and notify their ex- if the child were unconscious and required reconstructive surgery unless there was child abuse or DV. If the DC has an appointment with the surgeon during your DP's 50%, will his ex expect to attend or an update?

Theresamagicalplace · 09/05/2022 09:11

HerrenaHarridan · 09/05/2022 09:09

It’s all very well making sweeping statements but it very much depends on circumstances

the last time my ex saw my daughter was when he was removed by hospital security from her ward as he was frightening the other children.

You may be surprised to hear i don’t track him down every time her condition requires admission although I did make sure his parents knew when she went in for major surgery… that’s when we had the above incident so go ahead and judge me… idgaf

But that's not what the situation was in this case? He's an involved dad who deserves to be kept informed about things like this!