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AIBU?

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Original poster

Separated parents of MN: Would you tell your ex if your child was hospitalised?

115 replies

PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 08:36

My husband has young children with his ex partner and recently one of them has suffered a nasty accident which left them unconscious. They had to go to hospital in an ambulance.

My husband wasn't informed until the following day, after his child had been discharged. He also wasn't informed of the extent of the injuries (the unconsciousness and the fact that the child now requires reconstructive surgery)

We don't live in the same town as the children, because mum moved away but my husband has them 50% of time. The children do not have their own mobile phones.

The court order doesn't specify that mum has to tell dad about accidents, just that he is to be "consulted" on matters of health and education. So, I guess she isn't breaking any rules.

What do others think? Is this reasonable behaviour?

Their divorce was acrimonious and they don't get on (understatement).

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/05/2022 11:04

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2022 10:42

Our hospital is still only allowing 1 parent to attend too

all that means is he wouldn’t have been able to go not that he shouldn’t have known and be able to contact him

PollyDarton1 · 09/05/2022 11:11

I have a very uneasy relationship with ex DP (DS dad) but he's involved and therefore should anything like illness or injury happened, I would absolutely let him know. Despite him being difficult on the regular, I still provide him a weekly update before he has access outlining any issues that may have an affect on him during his contact time.

Would he do the same for me? I don't know. I'd like to think if there was an emergency he would let me know, but I would hazard a guess that it would be after the fact.

GlitteryGreen · 09/05/2022 11:13

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2022 10:40

Dh works away. Didn't even register to call him until day after as I was busy dealing with the situation with our dc. So I think day after is ok in situation you have described.

Yeah but presumably because he was away and you knew he couldn't be present?

I'm sure if he was just at home/working locally you would have informed him.

Oizys · 09/05/2022 11:16

id tell my ex and he’s tell me. Takes a few moments to call or send a text.

all the posters justifying the mum I’m sure would be outraged if it was her that wasn’t told.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/05/2022 11:16

I have a friend that wouldn't tell the Ex, for very valid reasons, NC post DV, he has no role in the children's life and would likely turn up and have a go at everyone.

My stbxh and I aren't exactly on great terms, emotional abuse, gaslighting, but he will always be a significant part of DCs life and he loves them deeply, he is the first person I'd call if it was anything serious. Together or apart even acrimoniously we are still both their parents and my children deserve their Dad's support.

Where both parents have shared care, unless there's a specific reason like DV and she's afraid to tell him, it really isn't acceptable behaviour at all. You shouldn't need to write this in a court order, his DC deserve to have their Dad's support if they're seriously injured. It's about what's best for the children and it sounds unlikely that their Dads absence was best for them. I know mine would be asking for their Dad and distressed he wasn't there. Whatever I think of their Dad I wouldn't put them through that.

brokengoalposts · 09/05/2022 11:35

My DH's ExW told him on her way to hospital.
ExW isn't perfect and we've had our issues (both ways, I'm sure) but she'd never be so cruel as to not tell him something like that.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/05/2022 11:42

I'd always let me ex know. It's his child too. It's his choice to come or not, but he'd have the option. I can understand if circumstances of NC but otherwise I think it's really shitty not too. Bet she'd complain if you didn't tell her.

howtomoveforwards · 09/05/2022 11:43

Yes, she should have told him. One of my children had a serious, life changing diagnosis at 2 in the morning a couple of years ago - I texted the ex immediately the panic died down and he had been stabilised - so by 3am. Don't care if I woke him, he needed to know so that he could come to the hospital if we wanted to.

autienotnaughty · 09/05/2022 11:50

Yes they should be told as soon as possible

Fishwishy · 09/05/2022 11:58

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 09:25

Maybe the separation involved OP as OW,
Maybe the father has allocated contact, that the mother doesnt agree with
That the child involved doesn't want, but is obliged to participate in.
Maybe the mother didn't want the father wading in with accusations & contact threats
Maybe OP is an interfering step mother

Posts like this show why some call this place misandrynet. It is terribly one sided. Roles reversed it would be chaos on here.

TreatTrimTame · 09/05/2022 12:00

If other parent had 50/50 I would treat them as I wished to be treated. No matter what happened between us or reason to divorce. It takes 2 minutes to fire off a text to let him know whats happened and would have been easy to do. Or to ask whoever had their other child to let dad know. I would always think about being the "other parent" in a situation like this.

On another note I suggest he sit down with her and have a chat about expectations going forward. They may not get on but there has to be a turning point. Otherwise they are putting their children through a lifetime of "do we invite mum or dad" queries. The fact their children will consider not having parties/weddings/events due to their behaviour is unacceptable. I know this first hand as a child of parents who have not been in a room together in 40 years, its awful. Having to explain to my children that one grandparent wont be at their birthday party/christmas play/celebration meal because the other is in attendance is still a kick in the stomach to me at every family event.

Thehop · 09/05/2022 12:02

I tell my exh if our boys are so much as off school feeling I’ll! He’s the first person I rang when one was hospitalised overnight last year.

he’s their dad! I would HATE to not know.

your poor husband this is awful.

FieldOverFence · 09/05/2022 12:06

I don't know, in theory the father absolutley should have been informed

In practice though, i can imagine a scenario where if i was dealing with a serious health crisis, i wouldn't want someone making life harder for me, demanding updates, questionning my decisions, questionning how this ever could have ahappened in the first place, and generally being a prick. And I would choose for him to be outraged over having him make the situation more complicated

Now maybe OPs husband is all sweetness and light, and this isn't the case at all

MsSquiz · 09/05/2022 12:12

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 09:25

Maybe the separation involved OP as OW,
Maybe the father has allocated contact, that the mother doesnt agree with
That the child involved doesn't want, but is obliged to participate in.
Maybe the mother didn't want the father wading in with accusations & contact threats
Maybe OP is an interfering step mother

@getsomehelp and if you reversed your post, would you still think it was acceptable for those reasons you have given for a father to not inform the mother?

Crumbleburntbits · 09/05/2022 12:12

I think it’s terrible that your DH wasn’t told about a such serious injury. I hope your DSC makes a quick recovery Flowers

Amandasummers · 09/05/2022 12:14

I despise my ex but I tell him if the kids are off school sick, I would absolutely tell him about an accident/being hospitalised. She's in the wrong but you know that.

TreatTrimTame · 09/05/2022 12:18

if i was dealing with a serious health crisis, i wouldn't want someone making life harder for me, demanding updates, questionning my decisions, questionning how this ever could have ahappened in the first place, and generally being a prick. And I would choose for him to be outraged over having him make the situation more complicated

@FieldOverFence surely just a "we are at X hospital, X fell off his bike and is unconscious. Will update when I can." Then turn your phone off if you feel like it, to avoid his questions. He can always ring the hospital for an update if hes worried. Or show up. If he is the type of person to generally be a prick then hes going to do it regardless of when you tell him (during or after). Except one way is more fair to your child and the other parent.

JurasicPerks · 09/05/2022 12:18

Bit different as I was, and still am, married to DH, but DS was ambulanced to hospital when DH was a 8hour plane ride away with work.
I didn't tell him until we knew what was happening, on the basis all it would do is create worry when there was nothing he could do. The hospital were very concerned about this, and asked in lots of different ways if there was a problem.

FieldOverFence · 09/05/2022 12:25

TreatTrimTame · 09/05/2022 12:18

if i was dealing with a serious health crisis, i wouldn't want someone making life harder for me, demanding updates, questionning my decisions, questionning how this ever could have ahappened in the first place, and generally being a prick. And I would choose for him to be outraged over having him make the situation more complicated

@FieldOverFence surely just a "we are at X hospital, X fell off his bike and is unconscious. Will update when I can." Then turn your phone off if you feel like it, to avoid his questions. He can always ring the hospital for an update if hes worried. Or show up. If he is the type of person to generally be a prick then hes going to do it regardless of when you tell him (during or after). Except one way is more fair to your child and the other parent.

I'm totally speculating here, if OPs husband is a lovely man, and the acrimonious divorce was none of his fault, then I'm 100% wrong

I'm just putting myself in the Mum's place, I had an awkward, picky, mean, critical, ex who would have harassed me, the hospital, my family and everyone he could think of, and use every possible stick to object to anything & everything I was deciding about DC. I would have 100% classed him as "tomorrow's problem" so I could concentrate on DC and what they needed

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 09/05/2022 12:30

Ds broke his arm twice at school when he was little.

I called ex while I was racing to the school to take him to A&E as soon as I’d put the phone down.

He fucking hates me for leaving him and at the time, he was making my life hell for that. But he needed to know his son was hurt.

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 09/05/2022 12:32

And even though he called social services both times saying I had injured ds. Even though both breaks happened at school.

Change123today · 09/05/2022 12:33

They share their children 50/50 either parent in this situation should inform the other parent. I know there is many family set ups that this wouldn’t be the case but assuming all 50/50 and no massive history around it then I can not see any reason not too.

i would have hated and panic set in if someone random person messaged me assuming as a parent I would know - thankfully this didn’t happen in this occasion. But can you imagine someone contacting you saying your child is unconscious- how are they? & you didn’t even know? Mother or Father this would spin you out.

Its done now but your husband needs to decide and put the steps in place to ensure that it doesn’t happen again - it’s sad that he has to do this. It’s sad that the mother seems not to care that their son may feel that their Dad doesn’t even care enough to see him in hospital- a scared child then feeling rejected :(

Minikievs · 09/05/2022 12:38

I have an awful relationship with my ex. I would still tell him in that situation (hospitalisation)
I wouldn't tell him about general coughs/colds/bumps/scrapes

Tootsweets84 · 09/05/2022 12:46

My eldest is 14 now and I've been divorced from his dad for 9 years. I call him before any other family any time DS has been hurt/is ill/has had a good school report. He has never been the most involved parent (EOW, but not parents evenings and things), but he is his dad and has a right to know. I think it is dependent on the relationship between parent and child, not the relationship between the two separated parents.

deliciouschilli · 09/05/2022 12:48

You say their relationship is acrimonious and they don't get on (understatement). Under these circumstances I think it was best only one parent was there to avoid arguments in front of child / staff. It should have been whoever had care of the child when the accident happened.

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