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AIBU?

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Original poster

Separated parents of MN: Would you tell your ex if your child was hospitalised?

115 replies

PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 08:36

My husband has young children with his ex partner and recently one of them has suffered a nasty accident which left them unconscious. They had to go to hospital in an ambulance.

My husband wasn't informed until the following day, after his child had been discharged. He also wasn't informed of the extent of the injuries (the unconsciousness and the fact that the child now requires reconstructive surgery)

We don't live in the same town as the children, because mum moved away but my husband has them 50% of time. The children do not have their own mobile phones.

The court order doesn't specify that mum has to tell dad about accidents, just that he is to be "consulted" on matters of health and education. So, I guess she isn't breaking any rules.

What do others think? Is this reasonable behaviour?

Their divorce was acrimonious and they don't get on (understatement).

OP posts:
FAQs · 09/05/2022 09:11

Yes as he is involved, I didn’t with mine when my daughter had an accident and surgery, but we haven’t seen or heard from him for over a decade and wouldn’t know how to.

bloodyplanes · 09/05/2022 09:12

For a normal parenting relationship then yes of course you should inform the other parent in that situation. However my ex hasn't bothered with his kids for around 7 years now, and even when he did it was at his whim. So no I don't inform him of anything.

Hollygolightly86 · 09/05/2022 09:15

Given the relationship between him & his children then yes absolutely he should have been told. I personally wouldn’t tell my DSS’s mother but that’s because he barely has a relationship with her but in your case yes definitely. I would suggest that it was a very deliberate decision not to tell him rather than just an oversight

sashh · 09/05/2022 09:15

I think when a child is in hospital or in an ambulance any parent is most concerned with their child.

I can imagine mum didn't get much sleep and knew it would be a difficult call so put it off until she'd slept.

And I'm no sticking up for mum, I think your DH would have been the same.

NewbieDivergent · 09/05/2022 09:17

Of course they should be told.no excuses not to.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 09:17

sashh · 09/05/2022 09:15

I think when a child is in hospital or in an ambulance any parent is most concerned with their child.

I can imagine mum didn't get much sleep and knew it would be a difficult call so put it off until she'd slept.

And I'm no sticking up for mum, I think your DH would have been the same.

It takes two seconds to send a text. It doesn’t have to be a long drawn out phone call.

Squillerman · 09/05/2022 09:17

I’m going to guess the Mother was beside herself and it didn’t enter her mind to inform her ex at that moment… She was going through a lot at the time, don’t be harsh.

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 09:18

It might be interesting for your DP at first to get her to confirm in writing her expectations if the reciprocal situation arises and that she doesn't want or expect to be notified. She might need to either agree to the unacceptable or tie herself in knots.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/05/2022 09:19

HerrenaHarridan · 09/05/2022 09:09

It’s all very well making sweeping statements but it very much depends on circumstances

the last time my ex saw my daughter was when he was removed by hospital security from her ward as he was frightening the other children.

You may be surprised to hear i don’t track him down every time her condition requires admission although I did make sure his parents knew when she went in for major surgery… that’s when we had the above incident so go ahead and judge me… idgaf

That clearly isn't the case here though so there's no justification.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 09/05/2022 09:19

I had it added to the court order... Exh once drove past my home 10 mins before dc were due back to take ds to hospital.. Ds rang me himself from the toilet.. I went through and the Dr wasn't impressed.. He actually walked out of he room when exh admitted ds had been ill with a head ache all week end and he hadn't even given him a paracetamol..
Worth seeking legal advice imo. It's not about telling your ex but allowing your dc to have the nrp around when they need them.

CoffeeKeepsMeUp · 09/05/2022 09:21

In the past I always have, now no I wouldn’t.
one because the last time one of my dc was hospitalised I called exdp and his partner answered and told me not to call after 8pm and that if I wanted to speak to I should do so the next day. 😡
number two, he wouldn’t do anything anyway I don’t think he even knows they’re medical history, he’s quite useless.

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 09:25

Maybe the separation involved OP as OW,
Maybe the father has allocated contact, that the mother doesnt agree with
That the child involved doesn't want, but is obliged to participate in.
Maybe the mother didn't want the father wading in with accusations & contact threats
Maybe OP is an interfering step mother

pointythings · 09/05/2022 09:29

Yes, I would. And I did - twice during the 8 months after my late husband moved out. DD1 ended up in hospital with severe unexplained abdo pain, DD2 had to go in to get checked out after a fall on sports day. I informed him straight away by phone (voicemail) and text. I didn't get any kind of response because he was an alcoholic on a downward spiral that ended in him dying 8 months after moving out, but the thought of not informing him never crossed my mind.

muppamup · 09/05/2022 09:33

surely 'consulting on matters of health' means keeping someone informed when a health related issue e.g. accident comes up??

sashh · 09/05/2022 09:36

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 09:17

It takes two seconds to send a text. It doesn’t have to be a long drawn out phone call.

Show quote history

Do you live in the real world, if you got a text saying, "Child in hospital after X" would you just nod and reply "OK"?

I think any human would call back after that text.

WibblyWobblyJane · 09/05/2022 09:38

PeeAche2 · 09/05/2022 09:04

I wish there was something we could do to prevent this from happening again.
Should have had this eventuality put into the court order from the start, I suppose...

i think you are far too involved and not helping if you are encouraging court orders.

You said their current relationship is acrimonious? That will be the reason she did not bother to involve him. If he does not work on improving that relationship for the sake of his son, you can both look forward low communication and worse. I’m living this now. Pretty much a nightmare.

In my experience, you have very little power over how two angry people will choose to engage with one another, though.

Discovereads · 09/05/2022 09:41

sashh · 09/05/2022 09:36

Do you live in the real world, if you got a text saying, "Child in hospital after X" would you just nod and reply "OK"?

I think any human would call back after that text.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t text just that obviously. I’d text something “at A&E with DC, suspected arm fracture due to accident at sports day. DC bearing up ok. Will update you as soon as I know more”

cstaff · 09/05/2022 09:44

That is just cruel and there is no excuse for it apart from the fact that she obviously doesn't like her Ex anymore but to involve the kids in that is so wrong.

MarJau26 · 09/05/2022 09:46

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 08:55

She would have been beside herself with anguish.
Maybe she was waiting for something concrete to relate
Maybe she had other more important things to do, like organise her other kids,
Speak to police, doctors...

oh Fgs some people will just excuse anything because it's the mother. If it was reversed this type of poster would be scathing to the father.

Op yanbu, your dh seems to be a very involved father and his ex is a vile, low human being for doing this. There is absolutely no excuse to tell the other parent so much later. Disgusting. I'm sorry your dh had the shock, hope the child will be ok?

3peassuit · 09/05/2022 09:47

In this case of course your husband should have been informed as soon as possible.

Bonheurdupasse · 09/05/2022 09:47

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 09:18

It might be interesting for your DP at first to get her to confirm in writing her expectations if the reciprocal situation arises and that she doesn't want or expect to be notified. She might need to either agree to the unacceptable or tie herself in knots.

OP

Your DH should do this.
Possibly by himself first and then via solicitor.

youlightupmyday · 09/05/2022 09:55

I would but then I am reasonable and so is my ex.

Herja · 09/05/2022 09:59

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 09:25

Maybe the separation involved OP as OW,
Maybe the father has allocated contact, that the mother doesnt agree with
That the child involved doesn't want, but is obliged to participate in.
Maybe the mother didn't want the father wading in with accusations & contact threats
Maybe OP is an interfering step mother

None of those things mean an active and involved parent shouldn't be informed of an accident serious enough to lead to hospital. Indeed, three of those 'reasons' (1, 2 and last) suggest the mother is a massive toddler who needs to grow the fuck up and stop making life harder for the children. Not liking someone is a piss poor reason not to inform the other parent.

Yes, I would always (and always have) informed ex of any hospital trips. Despite disagreeing with the contact split (as do the DC) and thinking him a massive tosser who makes any stressful situation harder (for me, not DC). Because he is their dad, is an involved parent and I would be apoplectic with rage if the roles were were reversed and I was not informed. As an adult, I put our children's needs first, and my great dislike second (in both hospital trips and all other areas).

ThatLibraryMiss · 09/05/2022 10:00

getsomehelp · 09/05/2022 09:25

Maybe the separation involved OP as OW,
Maybe the father has allocated contact, that the mother doesnt agree with
That the child involved doesn't want, but is obliged to participate in.
Maybe the mother didn't want the father wading in with accusations & contact threats
Maybe OP is an interfering step mother

Ah, MN, where mothers are kind, just, fair, driven totally by concern for their children and wronged by their exes (unless the posters' own mothers, in which case they're narcissists), men are either abusive philandering arseholes or haven't been found out yet and stepmothers are the devil incarnate.

WrongWayApricot · 09/05/2022 10:00

Depends on so much doesn't it. How old DC is, how ex would react, how DC felt about it. I would tell mine, but I doubt he'd turn up anyway. If he did it would be turned into a massive drama and I don't think it would help DC,but I'd still feel obliged to tell him. Everyone's situation is different.

I'm surprised at the responses because I think parents should know where there children are but on another thread everyone thought it was okay to not give out a new address to an ex. At least if my ex had taken my DC to A&E there are other people around looking out for them. I would be more uncomfortable with my DC being somewhere private and not knowing where they are and who they are with.