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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's right or wrong in this scenario?

77 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 18:55

My DC were supposed to be with their dad for the weekend but he's tested positive for COVID so obviously they're here. I had booked a double shift at a vaccine clinic today which would have earned me over £100. DH had a running race he signed up for not that long ago (maybe last month).

Anyway, DH refused to cancel his race so that I could work so I had to cancel my shift at the last minute, to loom after DCs (too young to be left unsupervised).

AIBU to think work is more important than a race? Or is it a case of 'my kids, my problem' as DH sees it?

OP posts:
ChesterDrawsLouLou · 08/05/2022 18:56

I think, on balance, you are unfortunately.

Big races mean a lot to people and they're not his DC.

HTH1 · 08/05/2022 18:57

Also agree with DH.

rainbowandglitter · 08/05/2022 18:59

I think as they're your kids, you should be the one taking the hit. Races can be big things that people train for for months and cost a lot of money to enter.

SpringIntoChaos · 08/05/2022 18:59

You are wrong.

They are your children 🤷‍♀️

freeandfierce · 08/05/2022 18:59

Agree with DH, having been a stepmother myself.

JustLyra · 08/05/2022 18:59

I think it depends how your set up works, and also how he was asked to cancel.

AgentProvocateur · 08/05/2022 19:00

Also agree with your DH. Sorry. Would be nice if he offered, but they’re not his kids.

faggyhagger · 08/05/2022 19:00

Are you desperately skint and really in need of the money from the shift?

I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable. It sounds like his commitment was arranged before yours.

It's just one of those things.

DrStrangesWife · 08/05/2022 19:01

Not his kids - not his problem. YABU.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:01

It wasn't a 'big' race and I think he was 'gifted' the entry because someone else couldn't make it.

I'm just gnarly because he's always moaning how skint we are and he stopped me working today.

But I accept that IABU and will grumble on here rather than get into and argument with him

OP posts:
WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 08/05/2022 19:02

Yeah sorry if the roles were reversed I’d be saying it was his issue to find child care or take time off work.

unless of course he has his own kids and you regularly help out looking after them?

nocoolnamesleft · 08/05/2022 19:02

Hmmm. Stepmothers seem to be expected to do a lot of childcare for their stepchildren, and just told "you knew what you were taking on", so I'd tend to apply the same to stepfathers...

Riverlee · 08/05/2022 19:02

if dh hadn’t the race, would he have happily looked after the dc?

StrawberrySquash · 08/05/2022 19:03

Unless the £100 was desperately needed / you'd be in huge trouble for pulling out, I think DH should be able to run his race. I'm assuming it was a reasonably big event he'd been training for.

DrManhattan · 08/05/2022 19:03

I reckon he should have cancelled the race. Doesn't matter that they 'aren't his kids' - they are his wife's children.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:03

DrStrangesWife · 08/05/2022 19:01

Not his kids - not his problem. YABU.

But we're married. I've always treated his DD (who lives with us) as mine even though biologically she isn't. Should I absolve myself of any responsibility for her now?

OP posts:
Riverlee · 08/05/2022 19:04

And, the most important factor in this scenario are the dc, not the race or work. Their welfare comes first.

SickAndTiredAgain · 08/05/2022 19:06

I've always treated his DD (who lives with us) as mine even though biologically she isn't. Should I absolve myself of any responsibility for her now?

The wider context is more important I think. On a general day to day basis, how does he act as far as your children are concerned - eg on another weekend if he hadn't had a race, would he have been happy to look after them?

Riverlee · 08/05/2022 19:06

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:03

But we're married. I've always treated his DD (who lives with us) as mine even though biologically she isn't. Should I absolve myself of any responsibility for her now?

Show quote history

That’s being petty. I presume if dh hadn’t the race, then he would have had the kids.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:07

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 08/05/2022 19:02

Yeah sorry if the roles were reversed I’d be saying it was his issue to find child care or take time off work.

unless of course he has his own kids and you regularly help out looking after them?

Yes I can't tell you how many times I've looked after DSD so he can work/race/train. It does feel a bit one sided. But now I feel like I'm drip-feeding and I never meant to

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:08

@Riverlee no I'm not being petty but a PP said 'not his kids, not his problem' so surely the sane applies to DSD. Not that I would, I just wondered.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 08/05/2022 19:10

He had prior arrangements, it's not up to him to cancel to care for your dc.

Lou98 · 08/05/2022 19:11

Yes I can't tell you how many times I've looked after DSD so he can work/race/train. It does feel a bit one sided

But how many times has he looked after your DC when he didn't have something else on?

Today, if he didn't have the race, would he have watched them? You seem to be avoiding that but it sounds like he would have so it isn't the same.

Had he not been doing anything today and you asked and he said no, then fair enough he would be being U but he already had a race booked and it isn't fair to expect him to cancel that.

It's also not as if this was your regular scheduled work that would meant having to take a days unpaid or AL etc, it was extra that you signed up for

Marty13 · 08/05/2022 19:13

I think it'd have been nice of him to do it, though not an obligation.

But I would definitely apply the reverse and refuse to look after dsd from now on (not necessarily forever, just enough to drive the point home).

Theunamedcat · 08/05/2022 19:15

I would be less available for babysitting his dd after this tbh