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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's right or wrong in this scenario?

77 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 18:55

My DC were supposed to be with their dad for the weekend but he's tested positive for COVID so obviously they're here. I had booked a double shift at a vaccine clinic today which would have earned me over £100. DH had a running race he signed up for not that long ago (maybe last month).

Anyway, DH refused to cancel his race so that I could work so I had to cancel my shift at the last minute, to loom after DCs (too young to be left unsupervised).

AIBU to think work is more important than a race? Or is it a case of 'my kids, my problem' as DH sees it?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 08/05/2022 19:37

Should I absolve myself of any responsibility for her now?

In this kind of situation - absolutely you should.

You're a family. What applies to you and your children should absolutely apply to him and his.

Do not stay in a situation where you are default childcare for him, but your kids are your problem. That's not a partnership.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:37

To still be fucking hurt and furious about this http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4545703-to-still-be-fucking-hurt-and-furious-about-this?msgid=-4545703#-4545703

OP posts:
Testina · 08/05/2022 19:41

“I don't know if he'd have looked after them...he despises my exH and tends to see looking after my DC as doing a favour for exH rather than helping me out.”

And yet, you married him? 🙄

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:42

Testina · 08/05/2022 19:41

“I don't know if he'd have looked after them...he despises my exH and tends to see looking after my DC as doing a favour for exH rather than helping me out.”

And yet, you married him? 🙄

I stupidly thought us being married would 'cement' is as a family. It hasn't.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 08/05/2022 19:47

Who took care of his daughter?

ChesterDrawsLouLou · 08/05/2022 19:48

Georgeskitchen · 08/05/2022 19:31

You and your children are a package. He took you all on so it is his duty to support you and help you bring money in. He's behaving like a knobhead IMO

This is never the answer on here when it's the other way round

almondbran · 08/05/2022 19:50

Yabu

JustLyra · 08/05/2022 19:51

Given everything you've said on here and on your other thread I'll say this - marriage doesn't have to be for life when it's shit.

LTB is used too often on here, but he's a hypocrite, expects you to mind his child but begrudes help with yours, is financially uneven and has outed your DS.

You and your children deserve better

JustLyra · 08/05/2022 19:53

And tbh I'd leave my husband if he outed my son even without the rest.

That's an appalling thing to do.

whynotwhatknot · 08/05/2022 20:01

erm after reading your other thread youve got worse problems than thiswhy are you still with him

coffeecupsandfairylights · 08/05/2022 20:04

Without reading your other thread, I'm with your DH really - they're your children, so it's yours/your ex's responsibility to arrange childcare for them.

When you say he's happy for you to look after his DD - does he actually expect it, or do you just do it anyway?

mnamna · 08/05/2022 20:15

I haven’t read your other thread yet but it doesn’t sound like a partnership

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 08/05/2022 20:18

Fucking hell. What is the point of being married? You are meant to be a team. It appears teaming only counts when it is in your dh favour.

Hawkins001 · 08/05/2022 20:24

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 08/05/2022 19:42

I stupidly thought us being married would 'cement' is as a family. It hasn't.

Show quote history

The cross dressing one, if it's ok to ask , in private was it just underwear or the full outfit ?

lancsgirl85 · 08/05/2022 20:27

But we're married. I've always treated his DD (who lives with us) as mine even though biologically she isn't. Should I absolve myself of any responsibility for her now?

Yes.

mycatisannoying · 08/05/2022 21:48

OP, ignore all the 'your kids, your problem' comments. This is very much a Mumsnet thing, and doesn't reflect the real life bended families I know of.

mycatisannoying · 08/05/2022 21:49

lancsgirl85 · 08/05/2022 20:27

But we're married. I've always treated his DD (who lives with us) as mine even though biologically she isn't. Should I absolve myself of any responsibility for her now?

Yes.

Ridiculous.
With some of the attitudes on here, we're going to see future generations of very damaged stepchildren.

lancsgirl85 · 08/05/2022 21:52

@mycatisannoying

My opinion isn't "ridiculous" just because you don't agree with it.

KarmaStar · 08/05/2022 22:41

Yanbu at all.
They are his dsc!!he shouldn't be saying they are your problem.you are a family and he should treat dsc as his own.
to have to let people down at work and lose money for his hobby?that's not right.if be having a serious look at my future.🌈

BigChesterDraws · 08/05/2022 22:49

I’d have sent the child to his dad. Unless he’s seriously ill with COVID it’s likely to be nothing more than a cold. What’s the big deal? According to one of your many other threads your husband had COVID a few months ago. Did you pack the kids off somewhere else then?

But in light of all your other threads over the last few months, I’d say you have much bigger problems than 100 quid would solve.

TooManyPJs · 08/05/2022 23:27

I disagree with the PPs. I don't think it's your children your problem. Or shouldn't be anyway. You are a married couple, you should be a team that works out problems together, not individuals with separate issues. I would have gutted it if my DH took that view with my son, he doesn't thankfully and because of that they have a fantastic relationship which is of great importance to both of them.

Having said all of the above however a race can be a big thing. A thing you work months to train for. It's not a jolly with his mates or something. So I don't think it's an easy call to say whether you should have declined your shift or him missed the race. Depends on a lot of factors like how much you as a family needed the money, could it affect your job security or future shifts offered etc etc.

I would have wanted an open discussion with my partner considering the impacts of the various options on us all so we could come to a decision together. A blanket, your children your problem would have upset me and pissed me off. And the next time he had a problem I would have been inclined to be as dismissive myself which is no relationship at all.

But it looks as if he has this attitude with lots of things - your issue and my issue, your money and my money. That is no relationship that's just two people who happen to have sex and live in the same house.

Zilla1 · 08/05/2022 23:59

Work first if they were relying on you but it looks like he's gifted you a riposte to the moaning about money. That said, your posts about his expectations you look after his DD, his attitude to money and his general attitude sounds like you have some thinking to do. Good luck.

SnottyWitch · 09/05/2022 00:12

Our eldest isn’t my husbands on paper but he would absolutely cancel if he needed to. We are a unit but some families have different dynamics I suppose. I would feel quite hurt if he had the ‘my child, my problem’ attitude. We’re a team.

LunchBoxPolice · 09/05/2022 00:28

Interested to know if he’ll wear a sports bra for the race.

Dinoteeth · 09/05/2022 00:30

JustLyra · 08/05/2022 19:51

Given everything you've said on here and on your other thread I'll say this - marriage doesn't have to be for life when it's shit.

LTB is used too often on here, but he's a hypocrite, expects you to mind his child but begrudes help with yours, is financially uneven and has outed your DS.

You and your children deserve better

My thoughts exactly.

Its everything your either a family or not. I'm getting the feeling he treats you like the housekeeper. Good luck Op you deserve better.