Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Terminally ill parent and holiday

55 replies

Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:10

My dad ill and doesn’t want us to know how much time he has left. He also wants us to go on our upcoming holiday and wants us to carry on as normal.

Aibu to not know what the hell to do? He’s been quite clear that he wants life to go on but I feel really weird about it & about going away.

what do you do in these circumstances?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 14:11

I don’t think I’d go. But I wouldn’t tell him why.

Dinoteeth · 08/05/2022 14:16

He’s been quite clear that he wants life to go on but I feel really weird about it & about going away.

Assuming you are only going to be away for a week or two you respect him. I'd be more comfortable going away just a week rather than being away two weeks.

Go and take a load of pictures and come back and tell him you had a great time. Make him happy by letting him see you happy.

Original poster
Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:17

@Dinoteeth yea it’s 2 weeks 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:18

Obviously my worry is that he’ll go while we are away as we have no idea of the prognosis

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 08/05/2022 14:19

Personally I'd probably find an excuse to not go (could you "lose" passport?), just not let him think it's due to his Illness.

So sorry about your dad x

zafferana · 08/05/2022 14:19

I'm assuming this is likely to be your last holiday with him, in which case I would go and try to make it a nice time for him and one that you can look back on in future as a time of happy memories. I certainly wouldn't be cancelling without telling him why, unless you've always had a bad relationship with him and can't stand the thought of pretending to enjoy yourself for his sake.

KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 14:23

Is he going on holiday with you ? If he is, that may be a mistake if he declines away from home.

boonducks · 08/05/2022 14:23

Has he recently been diagnosed?
Happened to me when dad was diagnosed as terminal. We had a weekend break planned and we did go. Used the time to break the news to DC.
The consultant told us he might have a few weeks, told dad to go away if he wanted to. In fact he died less than 5 weeks after first symptoms and he never got that trip.
I guess I am saying don't go , not for two weeks. Your travel insurance should cover it.

Dinoteeth · 08/05/2022 14:23

Can you change it to just a week?
I think I'd look at that as a compromise.

The end for some people is long drawn out others can be very quick.

inappropriateraspberry · 08/05/2022 14:24

If he knows it's likely he'll pass while you're on holiday, and he wants you to go, I think I'd respect his wishes. He may not want you there at the end, which he is perfectly entitled to ask of you.
Are you going with children? I'd go for them and make sure they have a great time. I know it must be a very hard decision to make, but you must look to the future and if it would make him happy, do it.

Original poster
Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:24

No; he’s not coming with us! He’s way too ill to travel! That’s the issue

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 14:25

If he’s not coming with you, I’d stay home. Do you have a mum that will need support ?

Elphame · 08/05/2022 14:25

Be aware that if you are abroad and something happens requiring you to fly home, your holiday insurance is likely not to payout as this is an event that you could reasonably foresee.

We had a similar thing with my late MIL. She was stable but could have gone anytime. We had to declare it to the insurers and pay an additional premium for cover for emergency flights home in the event of her death.

Original poster
Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:26

@inappropriateraspberry I am not sure he does want us there at the end and I am not sure I want to be there. He hates the thought of us seeing him fade away bless him - it’s so hard to navigate isn’t it

OP posts:
ItWillBeOkHonestly · 08/05/2022 14:27

I wouldn't go and instead plan some lovely things to do with him (as much as he's able). If his time is limited, spend as much time with you as you can and make loads of lovely memories. You can have a holiday anytime but you only have one dad. That's my take anyway!

SickAndTiredAgain · 08/05/2022 14:28

I'd go. And I'd assume he'd probably see through any excuse you made up to not go

Porcupineintherough · 08/05/2022 14:33

I think YABU and should respect his wishes. As you said, not everyone wants their loved ones to witness their last few weeks.

StCharlotte · 08/05/2022 14:34

I would go.

I was on holiday when my dad died. I was still living at home and when I said goodbye, I said "see you in three weeks" and he said "I hope so". And we both knew this was the real goodbye and I'm forever grateful we had that moment. Saying goodbye was more important than being there.

Wishing you and your family the best x

LIZS · 08/05/2022 14:34

If he has said go assume he is likely to be ok for the duration.

Dinoteeth · 08/05/2022 14:35

Other option is have a short break in the UK and move your big holiday to later in the year.

I just know the last thing my DDad would have wanted is for family to put life on hold waiting for him to die.
I also know my friends DDad waited until January to deliver his bad new. Wanted a normal Christmas.

It's a Dad thing.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 08/05/2022 14:35

He’s been quite clear that he wants life to go on

This, he wants you to go so go. We had this exact conversation with MIL when she was terminally ill. She basically said, what on earth can you do if I die whilst you are away? Coming home any sooner than the end of your holiday would be a waste and it isn't like my funeral will be whilst you are away. She told us to have the holiday of a life time, enjoy ourselves and that the family agreed to complete radio silence if she died whilst we were away.

We went on the holiday and had the best time. There were moments when we worried about whether she was still alive or not. But we made the right decision to go. As it happened MIL died 3 months later so was able to look at our photos and listen to the children rave about their adventures. She said it was completely worth it.

user1471447924 · 08/05/2022 14:35

No chance I’d be going, I’d make an excuse like PP have suggested.

Snog · 08/05/2022 14:36

We found it really difficult when MIL refused to give us any medical details after her diagnosis with ovarian cancer.
It was what she wanted so presumably great for her but all of her children suffered because of it.
If you would interrupt your holiday if something happened while you were away I think it's fair to ask your dad his prognosis.

2bazookas · 08/05/2022 14:36

Sigh.

He wants you to go on holiday so he doesn't spend the last weeks of his life feeling guilty aor resented. So that the last memories you have of the end of his life, are about freedom, happiness, his last gift ever to you.

Is it too much to ask to just honour his last wish and LET HIM DO IT HIS WAY?

Porcupineintherough · 08/05/2022 14:39

If his time is limited, spend as much time with you as you can and make loads of lovely memories. You can have a holiday anytime but you only have one dad.

Well yes, if you want to make his death all about you, then do this. Hmm Bit weird though. Either you have good relationship in which case you'll have lots of lovely memories or it seems a little too little, too late. IME the last few weeks are not the time the dying person feels most up to making lovely memories, they tend to be ill, or tired, or in pain, or out of it. That's not to say that time spent with them isn't special but it's at best bittersweet - they are basically saying goodbye to the world and everything is a "last"