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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Terminally ill parent and holiday

55 replies

Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:10

My dad ill and doesn’t want us to know how much time he has left. He also wants us to go on our upcoming holiday and wants us to carry on as normal.

Aibu to not know what the hell to do? He’s been quite clear that he wants life to go on but I feel really weird about it & about going away.

what do you do in these circumstances?

OP posts:
HSKAT · 08/05/2022 14:40

I've lost my dad and personally I wouldn't of been able to go away

Original poster
Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:42

@2bazookas oosh, that made me well up! But you are right!

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 08/05/2022 14:43

My DF was adamant we should go away for a planned week to my DDs graduation even though he was clearly declining rapidly. When we got back he was in a hospice and still only just with us but was able to tell DD how proud he was and he listened to us recounting the day. I am glad we went as that he got his dying wish to make sure his GD had her day of glory. I think you should go. But say your goodbyes before you go away. He wants you to do this and you should listen to him.

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2022 14:45

Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:18

Obviously my worry is that he’ll go while we are away as we have no idea of the prognosis

They often 'go' when you're not around anyway.

Both my parents waited till we'd left the hospital.

AuntieMarys · 08/05/2022 14:53

My dad died when we were on holiday...he'd been in a hospice for a few weeks. He was adamant we went....we didn't come home early when he did die.
When I last saw him he was being bloody awkward and feisty....a great memory. How I want to remember him.

BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 14:54

I would go but be prepared to cancel or come back sooner if he dies. He seems to have made it clear he doesn't want you at his passing. Tough one though.

BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 14:55

And if you do t think you'll be able to enjoy yourself as you'll be worrying what if then don't go.

OddBoots · 08/05/2022 15:01

If he dies while you are away will there be any other family member left without support?

zafferana · 08/05/2022 15:39

Ah - sorry I misunderstood!

Gosh it is a difficult one. Thing is, you could cancel your holiday, stay at home, and he could last for a while longer, in which case he's right and you should've gone. Is he on his own and well cared for in a hospice, or will your DM actually want you around when the end comes? I think that would influence me. If the former, go, if the latter, not sure.

familyissues12345 · 08/05/2022 15:39

2bazookas · 08/05/2022 14:36

Sigh.

He wants you to go on holiday so he doesn't spend the last weeks of his life feeling guilty aor resented. So that the last memories you have of the end of his life, are about freedom, happiness, his last gift ever to you.

Is it too much to ask to just honour his last wish and LET HIM DO IT HIS WAY?

I don't disagree, and if my parent was terminally Ill but didn't want a fuss I wouldn't fuss, however I also wouldn't want to be on holiday when I got the call to say they'd gone

alltheteeshirts · 08/05/2022 15:41

Worryinglyworried73 · 08/05/2022 14:26

@inappropriateraspberry I am not sure he does want us there at the end and I am not sure I want to be there. He hates the thought of us seeing him fade away bless him - it’s so hard to navigate isn’t it

So go.

Accept that you're going to spend part of the holiday being weepy, but a holiday is generally recognised as form of self-care, and when a parent is terminally ill, you need to look after yourself.

He doesn't want you to see him decline. You don't want to see him in his final moments. That's who you both are. Don't feel pressured to change who you are and what you mean to each other by behaving in abnormal ways.

Terminal can be a few days or it can be a few years. He may still be going strong for years after you get back. Or maybe he won't.

Either way, he's asked you to crack on. Assuming this feels in character with his behaviour your life long, I'd take that at face value. He's asked you for one thing, and I probably wouldn't start denying the man reasonable requests at this point in his life.

PS I'm so, so sorry you're all going through this. It's so very hard.

Idiotintraining · 08/05/2022 15:43

I am sorry to hear about your dad.

My dad is the same. He has terminal cancer and again no one knows how long. Husband keeps telling me how long is a piece of string.

We went to butlins in the easter holidays. I know it was Skegness but I was worried. I knew he would be ok as I told the staff to call me at anytime. They never did and as soon as i came back I went straight to see him.

In a way I was quite thankful that it was a UK break and it was easier to get back if needed. In the end the kids had fun and we had a great time.

I think it depends on how you feel about going and if you don't feel confident then I wouldn't.

motogirl · 08/05/2022 15:48

I'd go, travel with his blessing, but mentally say your goodbyes before you leave. This happened to me with my grandmother and it was actually ok, it meant I didn't see her hooked up on drips in the hospital, she wished me a happy holiday sitting up in her own bed, I knew I wouldn't see her again but I didn't let on, I just said see you in 2 weeks

bloodywhitecat · 08/05/2022 15:50

I think DH knew he was dying on the night he died. I had been in contact with his DD to let her know that her dad was declining, I asked DH several times if he wanted her to come and he was adamant he didn't. In retrospect I think he has said his goodbyes to her a few days beforehand and now they are both at peace with his decision. If he is saying go, I would go.

HummingQuietly · 08/05/2022 15:57

I'm sorry to hear this.

If you didn't go, how uncomfortable would it be for him knowing you have sacked off your holiday and are staying home waiting? Wouldn't that be weirdly pressuring? And he will see straight through any excuses.

If he is a well adjusted, straightforward, honest person then take him at his word. One of the few things you can give him now is listening to him.

TequilaShot · 08/05/2022 15:58

Do you have siblings? I think that makes a big difference. It's not only being there for your Dad but being there for your mum and siblings too.
I wouldn't be able to go personally.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 08/05/2022 16:00

If he’s saying you should go then I would go.
My father didn’t want anyone from the family with him when he died but the nursing home staff kept us informed.
My mother died a few months later, she didn’t want anyone there either.
We respected their wishes.

cptartapp · 08/05/2022 16:05

I would go and also ask for radio silence from the family.
I never got to say goodbye to either of my parents (unexpected deaths) and it was never a huge lingering issue despite not seeing either of them for several days beforehand. I'm glad I don't have memories of them on their deathbed.
If his death is imminent then the next several months will be hard going enough as it is. You may be glad you had the break.

BiteyShark · 08/05/2022 16:07

DM was terminally ill for many years. We went on many holidays in that time and I even got married abroad and had that same chat.

DM wanted us to go and not to cancel or come back early and ultimately I had also decided that was the right thing to do for both of us. It would not have changed the outcome and all it would have done was made DM sad and be more stressful for me.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 08/05/2022 16:23

I wish I had listened to the last wishes of my grandmother - I have regretted not doing so for 30 years. I would go with what he said, and spend as muhc time as you can before you go.

perimenofertility · 08/05/2022 16:30

Go on the holiday, he's made his wishes clear. But perhaps you can plan a day before the holiday for you and your dad to spend a day together. Go out somewhere if he's able, or just spend time together at home, chat about favourite times together, hug a lot, and make sure you find something to laugh about together too. Then he can wish you a good holiday and you can go off knowing you are respecting his wishes.

soberfabulous · 08/05/2022 16:30

Oh gosh this is so hard.

A friend of mine did this late last year. Cancer of the throat. Flew to the Maldives for a last hurrah. Had a stroke on day 3 of the holiday. Had to be rushed to male and airlifted out and back home.

He had his wife and child with him. Unbelievably traumatic getting him back and he died a few months later.

I do get the mindset of seizing the day but after watching what my friend went through I would see if there's a compromise that doesn't involve air travel. Also what about health insurance etc? My friend had top notch insurance but it was still hellish getting him out and home.

soberfabulous · 08/05/2022 16:31

Sorry, I read this as if you were all going on holiday together, which is a very different proposition.

I wish you well with whatever you decide. So sorry about your dad.

BoredZelda · 08/05/2022 17:19

Respect his wishes. With everything he is going through he doesn’t want to be the reason you miss out on stuff.

JennyJumpup · 08/05/2022 17:32

Either he does not want to feel he is spoiling your plans, or he doesn't want you to see him die. Either way you should respect his wishes and go on holiday!

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