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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They should have told me he'd died

73 replies

PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 21:40

My ex, father of my eldest child.

I found out from a news article two days ago sent to me by my friend. He died in prison in 2019 but the inquest was concluded recently hence it only just being published.

It was an abusive relationship and I had to move hundreds of miles away to get away from him and his equally as abusive mother.

Nevertheless, I believe I should have been told at the time (for DS) sake and not had to find out via a flipping news article.

I'm going through the motions right now, sad for DS one minute and then relieved the next. I'm just angry now. Keeping that information from me, and by extention DS, was his mother's final "fuck you" to me.

AIBU to think I should have been told?

OP posts:
Yika · 07/05/2022 21:43

That's awful, I'm so sorry, yes you should have been told.

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 21:45

Did you post about this yesterday? Sure I’ve read it twice? I can see why they didn’t tell you if you are not in contact with them...

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 21:45

Who is it you wanted to tell you sorry? Would the prison service have had your details to tell you I don't know how it works. I hope DS is handling it OK.

MouseRoar · 07/05/2022 21:48

Sorry to hear this it must bring up a lot of stuff for you. How old is your son, can he understand what's happened?

You are free of him now.

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 21:48

I’m guessing the op means his family but you said in your other thread he hasn’t seen him since he was a baby so maybe they don’t have your details to contact you

etsiketsi · 07/05/2022 21:49

I think understandably and with kindness, there’s a lot about you and your feelings in this post. Concentrate on your son. Where is your anger coming from and will it be ultimately helpful?

Teder · 07/05/2022 21:49

I’m sorry for what you’re going through and what you’ve been through. Perhaps they didn’t know how to contact you?

Rogue1001MNer · 07/05/2022 21:50

Your DS certainly should have been told. Via you if young. Is a dv not the next of kin rather than the parent????

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 21:51

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 21:45

Did you post about this yesterday? Sure I’ve read it twice? I can see why they didn’t tell you if you are not in contact with them...

Yes I did, in chat.

I'm still in shock at the minute and don't know what to think/feel from one hour to the next.

OP posts:
Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 21:53

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 21:45

Who is it you wanted to tell you sorry? Would the prison service have had your details to tell you I don't know how it works. I hope DS is handling it OK.

No the prison service wouldn't have had my details, I was explicitly no contact with him.

Any one of his family members could have told me really, his mother was awful but I had a neutral relationship with his father and siblings.

DS doesn't know yet, but he will be well supported when he does.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 07/05/2022 21:54

So sorry you are in this situation

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 21:54

They might have thought you might not wanted to know anything else about him and have it dragged up? How would his family contact you? They might not know where you live any more.

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 21:54

So you were in contact with his family or not? Sorry it’s not clear, I read it as you wasn’t? If you weren’t then maybe they either didn’t have your details or thought you didn’t want to hear from them?

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 21:55

Or in the nicest way possible, you might not have crossed their mind?

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 21:57

MouseRoar · 07/05/2022 21:48

Sorry to hear this it must bring up a lot of stuff for you. How old is your son, can he understand what's happened?

You are free of him now.

He's 9. He has no memory of him thankfully. He hadn't seen him since he was a baby, though he does still deserve to know iykwim.

It has brought alot of stuff up for me yes. I keep flitting between feeling sad, relief, anger etc. It's as though I'm right back there.

He has another child to another woman who also wasn't told, she had to hear it from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:01

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 21:54

They might have thought you might not wanted to know anything else about him and have it dragged up? How would his family contact you? They might not know where you live any more.

They don't have my address but do have my email and I'm active on social media.

I just know if it were my DS who died and he had children I would do my damnest to make sure they found out from me and not risk the information being dropped on them by things being shared online.

DS knows who he is, his full name and has pictures so if he would have seen the article he would have known without a shadow of a doubt.

Ah idk, maybe I have unrealistic expectations. I'm just really angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:03

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 21:54

So you were in contact with his family or not? Sorry it’s not clear, I read it as you wasn’t? If you weren’t then maybe they either didn’t have your details or thought you didn’t want to hear from them?

I wasn't in direct contact with them no, but they could have got a message to me very easily. They have/had my email address and I'm all over social media. They could have contacted any one of my family or friends and asked me to get in touch. I'm not hard to get hold of.

OP posts:
legoouch · 07/05/2022 22:04

I think you absolutely should have been told for your DS’s sake - presuming DS is a minor. Of course it’s hugely significant to a child for their parent to die whether or not they had a good relationship. I can understand why you’re fuming. It sounds like your ex’s family aren’t aware of the significance and are incapable of holding your DS in mind, which is really sad.

It sounds like it’s dragged up a lot of unprocessed feelings for you too so hope you can give yourself some space and time to work through it all.

JudgementalRaccoon · 07/05/2022 22:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:05

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 21:55

Or in the nicest way possible, you might not have crossed their mind?

Of course, I'm not relevant to them but DS is, and his other daughter. It's them who needed the information so naturally we (the mothers) should have been told.

OP posts:
JudgementalRaccoon · 07/05/2022 22:06

I’m so sorry, wrong thread! I’ve reported my post.

bloodywhitecat · 07/05/2022 22:06

You absolutely should've been told, for your DS's sake if nothing else. no-one should find out about the death of a parent via the media.

I hope you can find peace in all of this OP Flowers

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:08

legoouch · 07/05/2022 22:04

I think you absolutely should have been told for your DS’s sake - presuming DS is a minor. Of course it’s hugely significant to a child for their parent to die whether or not they had a good relationship. I can understand why you’re fuming. It sounds like your ex’s family aren’t aware of the significance and are incapable of holding your DS in mind, which is really sad.

It sounds like it’s dragged up a lot of unprocessed feelings for you too so hope you can give yourself some space and time to work through it all.

Thank you those are my thoughts exactly, and yup it has dragged up alot of stuff I thought I had already processed. I'm probably going to book some counselling as I can't have it drag me back to the bad place I was in when I left.

OP posts:
Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:08

JudgementalRaccoon · 07/05/2022 22:06

I’m so sorry, wrong thread! I’ve reported my post.

Don't worry about it, you raised a smile!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 07/05/2022 22:10

It must be a shock OP. You should have been told by his family absolutely but they decided otherwise. It was an I'll thought decision but thank goodness you did find out.

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