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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They should have told me he'd died

73 replies

PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 21:40

My ex, father of my eldest child.

I found out from a news article two days ago sent to me by my friend. He died in prison in 2019 but the inquest was concluded recently hence it only just being published.

It was an abusive relationship and I had to move hundreds of miles away to get away from him and his equally as abusive mother.

Nevertheless, I believe I should have been told at the time (for DS) sake and not had to find out via a flipping news article.

I'm going through the motions right now, sad for DS one minute and then relieved the next. I'm just angry now. Keeping that information from me, and by extention DS, was his mother's final "fuck you" to me.

AIBU to think I should have been told?

OP posts:
Member869894 · 07/05/2022 22:11

I really feel for you op. When my abusive ex died I felt a lot of mixed feelings. They were sometimes so intense that they shocked me. I felt grief for what might have been, sadness that our relationship had turned out to be so bloody awful, anger that it had turned out to be awful and above all a sadness for my DCS who would be without their father, flawed though he was. Of course you should have been told so that you could have told your children if nothing else.
I wrote him a long letter which I burnt but it helped get those feelings off my chest. Be kind to yourself.

Frazzled2207 · 07/05/2022 22:12

Sorry this has happened to you
yes for your DS’s sake you should have been told

Irishfarmer · 07/05/2022 22:15

When did it happen? Maybe his dad or siblings hadn't got around to it yet?

Like yes 100% you/ DS needed to know. Are his family the sort to care though? Think passed themselves? Do they have contact with your DS

Echobelly · 07/05/2022 22:18

I'm sorry you're having to process all the difficult feelings this will have brought up. I think they should have told you, but is it possible everyone just assumed someone else must have told you? I can see that happening in this scenario.

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:22

Member869894 · 07/05/2022 22:11

I really feel for you op. When my abusive ex died I felt a lot of mixed feelings. They were sometimes so intense that they shocked me. I felt grief for what might have been, sadness that our relationship had turned out to be so bloody awful, anger that it had turned out to be awful and above all a sadness for my DCS who would be without their father, flawed though he was. Of course you should have been told so that you could have told your children if nothing else.
I wrote him a long letter which I burnt but it helped get those feelings off my chest. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm sorry you found yourself in the same position. It's so confusing isn't it?

I had a surge of panic when I opened the article. I had to wake my now- DH up as I was shaking not knowing what to do with myself.

The next day I was just so sad, I kept picturing him dying alone in his cell and how scared he must have been.

Then today came the anger. I'm angry at him for making such a shit show of his life, for letting his kids down, for not sorting his act out and becoming somebody suitable to know when they grew up. I'm also angry at myself for feeling any sadness about it because he certainly didn't deserve any pity from me.

I like the idea of writing a letter and burning it. I can create my own closure.

OP posts:
Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:24

Irishfarmer · 07/05/2022 22:15

When did it happen? Maybe his dad or siblings hadn't got around to it yet?

Like yes 100% you/ DS needed to know. Are his family the sort to care though? Think passed themselves? Do they have contact with your DS

It happened in 2019 so three years ago, the information was only made public in the media two days ago though.

I think his mother would have made it clear that she didn't want me, or his other ex, to be told. She ruled over her husband and children and was a very domineering and toxic woman. They wouldn't have gone against her wishes however much they may have disagreed with them but maybe I'm giving them too much credit.

OP posts:
almondbran · 07/05/2022 22:40

Did you lose your other thread on this from yesterday? If you click ‘I’m on’ you’ll find it

MzHz · 07/05/2022 22:47

You’re expecting people who were always complete cunts to go against everything they have ever been to be people who are NOT complete cunts.

never going to happen.

feel the anger and indignation, sure, but it won’t change anything and never would have happened in a million years

he’s dead. You’re free! Finally free

you don’t have to worry or even think about him or his band of wankers ever again

drop the rope, breathe the free air that you should have breathed all along

get angry IF IT HELPS YOU
write a Letter IF IT HELPS YOU
scream, shout, cry IF IT HELPS YOU

but don’t feel bad about anything, if he died alone it’s because he deserved to

give yourself another hug, hug your boy and think about how you want to go on

youve got your life back, now live it

fuck the lot of them. They’re cunts

worry is wasted on them.

JustLyra · 07/05/2022 22:49

That’s appalling. His children should have been told.

that’s disgusting behaviour.

MzHz · 07/05/2022 22:49

And yea… far too much credit

they’re cunts, and now he’s a dead cunt. He won’t be missed. The world is literally a better place without him in it.

MzHz · 07/05/2022 22:51

JustLyra · 07/05/2022 22:49

That’s appalling. His children should have been told.

that’s disgusting behaviour.

Disgusting behaviour from disgusting people. What else would you have expected

ds is better off without his dad and as no bond was ever created, there won’t be any loss from the man his dad was.

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/05/2022 22:52

BaaMoon · 07/05/2022 21:55

Or in the nicest way possible, you might not have crossed their mind?

Be serious. How can his SON, not have crossed their minds??

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 22:59

MzHz · 07/05/2022 22:47

You’re expecting people who were always complete cunts to go against everything they have ever been to be people who are NOT complete cunts.

never going to happen.

feel the anger and indignation, sure, but it won’t change anything and never would have happened in a million years

he’s dead. You’re free! Finally free

you don’t have to worry or even think about him or his band of wankers ever again

drop the rope, breathe the free air that you should have breathed all along

get angry IF IT HELPS YOU
write a Letter IF IT HELPS YOU
scream, shout, cry IF IT HELPS YOU

but don’t feel bad about anything, if he died alone it’s because he deserved to

give yourself another hug, hug your boy and think about how you want to go on

youve got your life back, now live it

fuck the lot of them. They’re cunts

worry is wasted on them.

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

I never truly felt free after I left. He would go quiet for a while then pop up with another fake account. I must have dozens blocked.

I read that he got a 5 year sentence in 2019 and after two years the dread crept in that he'd be out soon after serving half. To this day I got anxious whenever I got an unfamiliar friend request or message request as I knew he'd be back. He has lived rent free in my head for years.

Never again will I have that worry. Its finally over.

almondbran I couldn't find it in chat I thought I might have gave too much identifying information and it had been deleted. I've got it now thanks. I will try to link the two.

OP posts:
Sapphirensteel · 07/05/2022 23:00

All the emotions you’re feeling are totally normal. They might feel irrational or jumbled up but it’s all part of the shock you’ve experienced. Your brain needs time to process all the information and the emotions.
It is also part of going nc that we don’t think about. Coincidentally I found out that a sibling I’ve been nc with for decades also died in 2019, I discovered that online being nosey looking at a property I found the address of.
Allow time to process the information you’ve learnt and your emotions. It’s normal to feel sad, relieved, angry and so on, but be careful about passing your feelings on to your son. I’m afraid your job is to listen to his reaction and emotions, if that makes sense.
How you’re feeling now won’t last, it will all even out.

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/05/2022 23:03

Yes, you & his daughters mother should have been told. For your childrens sake AND yours.

For your own sake though, let that go. His family & all their shit belong in the past!! Don't let it contaminate the present or the future.

Yes, it's a mixed bag of feelings because you're human!

I hope your DH & DS get on well & DS has a lovely Dad even though his father was a bastard! Though it's better DS doesn't know how bad he was as kids can worry they were made from Someone so bad & can worry they might be bad too.

Look after yourself, it's a lot to process!

Sittingonabench · 07/05/2022 23:05

I agree that you should have been told but in the nicest way possible expecting people to do the right thing (particularly people like those you speak of) will always lead to disappointment, anger feeling foolish and exasperated. But right now you are feeling triggered and the anger needs a direction so if directing it at them (without contact) helps then do that rather than directing it to yourself. Be kind to yourself, time will help.

LolaButt · 07/05/2022 23:06

If the family thought there was fault relating to how he died, perhaps they wanted to sue for negligence and keep the money?

they should have told you.

PassThePringles · 07/05/2022 23:08

My dc bio dad hasn't been in their lives since they were toddlers. They've grew up with a man who they know isn't their bio dad but have always called him Dad. Neither he (bio dad) nor his family bother with the kids. I've thought about it a few times and I don't think I'd be interested in knowing if the bio dad had passed away. He wasn't of any benefit to the kids and they have a good role model in their life so what do we care.

My friend was like you, in an abusive relationship, her ex killed himself when her dc were toddlers,. They'd been separated for almost a year. She went through what you did, with regards to the mixed emotions and seeked counselling to understand them all. Would that be an option for you? Perhaps could help you gather your thoughts for the day your dc asks/needs to find out? Fwiw, better your ex died when he did than after being close to your dc, he can't miss what he didn't know. My friends dc struggles with it, the dc remembers him and every year, Father's Day really rocks her. It's an awful situation but you and your dc have moved on, what would knowing at the time change for you? That's not meant in a cold way. Sorry if it reads that way. But your dc has everything he needs. A loving family, if he hasn't needed your ex or his family all this time, he's got nothing to miss.

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 23:13

LolaButt · 07/05/2022 23:06

If the family thought there was fault relating to how he died, perhaps they wanted to sue for negligence and keep the money?

they should have told you.

I don't doubt it for a second. That's exactly the sort of person his mother is. She will have seen pound signs written all over it. The family had a "representative" according to the article, so that would be her solicitor.

It was a very unusual death, supposed natural causes but no cause found. He was really young.

OP posts:
Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 23:19

PassThePringles · 07/05/2022 23:08

My dc bio dad hasn't been in their lives since they were toddlers. They've grew up with a man who they know isn't their bio dad but have always called him Dad. Neither he (bio dad) nor his family bother with the kids. I've thought about it a few times and I don't think I'd be interested in knowing if the bio dad had passed away. He wasn't of any benefit to the kids and they have a good role model in their life so what do we care.

My friend was like you, in an abusive relationship, her ex killed himself when her dc were toddlers,. They'd been separated for almost a year. She went through what you did, with regards to the mixed emotions and seeked counselling to understand them all. Would that be an option for you? Perhaps could help you gather your thoughts for the day your dc asks/needs to find out? Fwiw, better your ex died when he did than after being close to your dc, he can't miss what he didn't know. My friends dc struggles with it, the dc remembers him and every year, Father's Day really rocks her. It's an awful situation but you and your dc have moved on, what would knowing at the time change for you? That's not meant in a cold way. Sorry if it reads that way. But your dc has everything he needs. A loving family, if he hasn't needed your ex or his family all this time, he's got nothing to miss.

That's so nice about your DH. My current DH is a wonderful man too and ten times the role model bio dad could have ever been. We have DC together now, i just wish DS could have been born to him and not bio dad.

I do agree it's better for it to have happened now before a chance of any potential bond happening in the future when DS is old enough to decide for himself he wanted to know him. It's true you can't miss what you don't know.

Counselling is a good idea and I'm going to make arrangements to have some. I need to get it all out of my system and put all of this to bed once and for all.

OP posts:
lameasahorse · 07/05/2022 23:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Thighdentitycrisis · 07/05/2022 23:40

My DS’s abusive dad died when he was 15. We had sporadic contact when he was a baby until about 7. I found out from a friend who read it in the local paper.

his family had my address because they wrote begging for contact “for his sake” a few years previously. But when he died they didn’t think to inform DS, for his sake.

Original poster
PannyAnne · 07/05/2022 23:43

Thighdentitycrisis · 07/05/2022 23:40

My DS’s abusive dad died when he was 15. We had sporadic contact when he was a baby until about 7. I found out from a friend who read it in the local paper.

his family had my address because they wrote begging for contact “for his sake” a few years previously. But when he died they didn’t think to inform DS, for his sake.

So selfish. Your poor DS.

How was your relationship with his family? I can't help but feel that in my case the withholding of the information was their final "fuck you" to me, his ex and our children. His mother made our lives hell when we were with him (years apart) and went out of her way to make us miserable.

How did you feel when you found out? Did it take a while to process?

OP posts:
EthelsAuntie · 07/05/2022 23:49

I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I think that it is best that you know now and are able to break it to your Ds rather than him say doing a random search of his own name on Google and discovering it.
It isn't much comfort but at least now that you know, you can break it to your DS in a sensitive and appropriate manner.
You are bound to have a huge mix of feeling and you are probably in shock and trying to process the information yourself.
Someone should have tried to get in contact with you but don't dwell on that. What's done is done and it can't be changed. Focus on yourself and your boy now.
My friend discovered her brother had died in a car accident by seeing his mangled but still very distinctive car on a local Facebook page. They didn't name him but said the young male driver died at the scene. Her parents had not yet been informed and it must have been awful to see that photo.
However, the fact that he died was bad enough. The way she found out was secondary to that grief.
Be kind to yourself and your son.

Mamanyt · 08/05/2022 00:31

Of course, you should have been told. Although there is no requirement for the facility to have told you, as he was an ex, not a current, and therefore no legal tie, someone in his family should have informed you. But you've already said that his mother was abusive as well. Place the blame where it goes, heave a great sigh, and move on.