They should have told me he'd died

[PannyAnne]

My ex, father of my eldest child.

I found out from a news article two days ago sent to me by my friend. He died in prison in 2019 but the inquest was concluded recently hence it only just being published.

It was an abusive relationship and I had to move hundreds of miles away to get away from him and his equally as abusive mother.

Nevertheless, I believe I should have been told at the time (for DS) sake and not had to find out via a flipping news article.

I'm going through the motions right now, sad for DS one minute and then relieved the next. I'm just angry now. Keeping that information from me, and by extention DS, was his mother's final "fuck you" to me.

AIBU to think I should have been told?

Why do people do this?
So what if she's already mentioned it. She wants to start a thread to discuss it.
Why do self appointed thread police bloody ask this

When you move a long way and cut contact with an abusive partner, it’s usually understood that you don’t (understandably and rightly) want contact. So there’s that. I have had zero contact with first H for 15 years for similar reasons. I wouldn’t expect to be told if he died, but I know I might feel more conflicted about it in the immediate aftermath of hearing about it. I also have the advantage that DC is adult and I now how they feel about their “father”.

If his mother was also abusive, then she’s abusive and you can’t expect her to do the right thing.

Be nice to yourself while the shock wears off. It’s a complicated thing to come to terms with. It really complicates the story you have to tell your DC. It’s bound to throw up a storm of feeling, but in a week or two, you might well feel glad that you didn’t get contact with his family sprung on you. 💐

OP have you told DS? I suppose you have to digest it yourself. I hope he doesn't find out on the street iykwim.
These are for you 💐

You’re probably not ready to hear this yet, but there may be financial reasons why the Ex’s Mum & family wanted both mothers and grandkids out of the picture. (Lawsuit, pension. insurance?) I imagine that both kids would be beneficiaries.

I do believe you should have been told for the sake of your son but there's no point allowing this to have a hold over you like he once did.
I use to dream of hearing this news about my ex but I let go of the damage he did me a long time ago and now couldn't give a toss.

You’re probably not ready to hear this yet, but there may be financial reasons why the Ex’s Mum & family wanted both mothers and grandkids out of the picture. (Lawsuit, pension. insurance?) I imagine that both kids would be beneficiaries.

This….
I’ve been thinking the same. My guess is that he died without a Will, therefore intestate. So anything he owned should have been split equally between his two children.

@PannyAnne - there should have been some sort of official notification.

You moved far away to get away from him and his family. You might have made a decision to move back to the area you were in before, maybe closer to your own family, had you known. You might have been able to breathe easier, not be extra cautious.

I think you should be relieved that his odious family didn't get in touch.

However -
I don't think the strong emotion you are feeling right now is about not being told.

I think it's a dam of emotion finally overflowing, all sorts of emotions related to the abuse you suffered. When someone who almost destroyed you dies without ever giving you closure, without an apology, with all of his hatred of you still so strong, you are left with a vast emptiness.

You say your child will be supported but I think you need to find support for yourself. This is a huge event in your life and you shouldn't try to get through it alone.

With the best will in the world, I do not understand this attitude. This website exists to support adults, not children. In fact by supporting the adults, the children are better supported. It is ok to support the supporters without pointing out that other people are worse affected. This article on ring theory deals with that very well:

www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

As a survivor of domestic abuse I am so sorry you were not told. That’s two years of unnecessary vigilance, when enough has already been taken from you. And I’m so sorry about everything this is stirring up for you, and that you will be dealing with that whilst supporting your DS. I’m very sad for your DS too who will have a lot to process - grief for someone like that can be complex and toxic. All my best to you both.

Your son (& his daughter) have a right to know & definitely you should have been told to allow the news of his death to be given to your son sensitively. There is no why/why not argument here. To tell you is the right thing. At least your son knows now....it would be awful if he embarked on a search himself years later as a teenager or adult to discover this happened in 2019... Forget about your ex's mother, give her no headspace at all....she sounds awful

Honestly you and your son aren't in their lives and never have been from the sounds of it if they only met him a couple times as a baby. You say he was an abusive man but to them he was no doubt a much loved son, brother etc, I'm not sure an ex who they didn't like and a child they don't know would have been on their list of people to inform sorry.

It’s taken 3 years. Not one person, mutual friend from the past, family member or even acquaintance who knows that you have a child together felt it necessary to tell you? Where did you think he was for the last 3 years while you thought he was alive but having no contact with his child? You moved 100s of miles away from him and his family presumably you therefore wanted nothing to do with him and your son has no memory of him. I don’t see why you’re bothered. Are you going to make him out to be some wonderful person to your son now? Does your son ask about him? I agree you should have been told but I think you’re forgetting that his behaviour caused all contact to be severed.

He was in prison and that's where I assumed he still was, albeit alive.

There were no remaining mutual friends. Anybody who used to be friendly with him, who was also friendly with me, had nothing more to do with him due to the abuse. I dare say he was a very unpopular person.

No I'm not going to make him out to be a wonderful person. DS knows he isn't a safe person hence there being no contact.

Why am I bothered? I'm still trying to work that out.

Also as PP said had I been told it would have saved me 2+ years of unnecessary vigilance. I could have gone home to see friends and family, something I haven't done in years because I believed he was still a threat.

I'm so sorry you got this awful shock. Yes absolutely you should have been told.

@PannyAnne thank you for answering, my questions are from a place of ignorance and your response has helped me understand better. Please accept my apologies for the tone of my PP.

That's ok Timeto I've asked myself the same question about why I even care. No apology necessary.

Thank you all for validating how I feel. It beggars belief that anybody would think we shouldn't know.

I don't think there was any life insurance to be had but I do suspect his parents were expecting a hefty pay out from the prison. I don't think they got one though because the inquest claimed it was natural causes.

Also as PP said had I been told it would have saved me 2+ years of unnecessary vigilance. I could have gone home to see friends and family, something I haven't done in years because I believed he was still a threat. now you have explained this I have changed my mind. I think there should be a system where victims can opt in to be told when a prisoner is released or dies.

I think so too.

I haven't seen most of my friends for years and have been quite isolated living hundreds of miles away where I knew barely anybody. If I knew he was dead I wouldn't have been so scared to go back home. As It was I was still living in fear of him popping up again as I became aware that he'd be out of prison by now or due for release.

I so wanted to take the kids back home to the seaside, and I can do that now.

what a horrible situation for you.
did you get any support from women's aid when you left him? they might have something suitable for you or be able to point you in a certain direction?
i'm really sorry that you weren't told about this. i totally get the fear in that you couldn't go back home/to the sea in case you bumped into him.
plus when someone horrible dies there's a ton of thoughts that you wouldn't have if it was someone who's nice and normal dies.

I am thinking of you xx

I did yes they were brilliant, I was in one of their refuges for a while and also had access to the freedom program.

Thank you for your kind words I appreciate it 🙂

As you said the mother is abusive it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't tell you as she knew it'd give you some freedom and relief and she didn't want you to have that.

At least you know now that he won't be able to hurt you ever again.

I can't help but think that they didn't tell you to stop your son from claiming inheritance from him.

Yea you can take the kids to the sea! Focus on what this news brings you, freedom!

breathe now and put one foot in the other, it’ll get easier

He didn't have a pot to piss in himself, but I've been thinking about it this afternoon and I think PP is spot on about his family trying to sue the prison and not wanting me and his other ex to get wind of any claim that might be paid out incase we tried to access any of it for the kids. They are money mad.

Neither of us wanted a penny from that man though, not when he was alive and certainly not now he's dead.