To be angry at how no heartbeat private scan was handled?

[elzober]

MMC at 11 weeks despite three previous healthy scans. I'm a bit of a mess right now so maybe I'm just looking for an outlet and to get angry at someone but the private scan place that discovered the lack of heartbeat really didn't handle the situation well the more I think about it...

I'd been there before so I knew the routine but this time the sonographer said nothing and didn't put it on the big screen. When she finally turned to me, all she would say is 'I think you need an internal scan at the hospital'. I replied that I was supposed to be nearly 12 weeks so surely a standard ultrasound could see something and reminded her that she'd done 2 previous scans on me this way but she just kept repeating about internal.

They wouldn't tell me a single thing. I appreciate this is not a diagnostic place and a hospital always has to confirm anything but some level of honesty and openness about what they thought was happening would have been better than refusing to discuss and using euphemisms that were hard to decipher like 'you need an internal scan to see things better'.

I obviously imagined the worst but they wouldn't answer any questions and I left the place confused and unsure of what was going on. They wrote down findings of scan and put it in a sealed envelope that was only meant for the drs at the hospital (not me) and told me to go to a&e.

When I got to the hospital I wasn't entirely sure what to tell them as I hadn't been given any definitive information and had minimal symptoms so I just told them 'I think it's a miscarriage', the doctor was absolutely appalled at how it had been handled and finally had to be the one to tell me what was in the sealed envelope four hours later and confirm no heartbeat or movement.

AIBU to feel angry and like I was treated like a bit of a moron? Or is this just grief and high emotions?

I'm tempted to leave a bad review on them about all this but I've stopped myself while it's still raw.

Where I live sonographers and other imaging techs are absolutely NOT allowed to give out test results. They aren't doctors and not qualified to give medical advice, which is what would be needed in the case of a problem. All results must be divulged by and discussed with a doctor or nurse-practitioner. In most cases they just say "All done, you'll get your results from your doctor". So given that, no I don't think the sonographer was wrong to say nothing and refer you onwards.

So sorry for your loss . That sounds really awful of the private place and definitely worth a complaint. I had 2 Mmc both of which Were discovered at a private scan. One of them was done by someone who actually also worked in the EPU so definitely a qualified sonographer. Both times they just said “I’m so sorry, I can’t see a heartbeat” and explained a bit about how big baby was measuring (8 weeks and 7 weeks) then referred me to the EPU. I had medical management both times and it was fine - not my favourite day but not too painful or horrific. Lots of Netflix, codeine, paracetamol and ibuprofen (get the hospital to prescribe codeine) and a hot water bottle and just be really kind to yourself. I was 39 and 40 at the time of the miscarriages and had my dd at 41.

I don't understand the function of this then. Surely people go to these places because they want more time looking at their baby than the two standard scans the NHS gives. People go because they can't wait until the twelve week scan, or they want to know the sex, or just want a longer, more detailed scan. Why on earth would you go there if they don't show or tell you anything about your baby?

I would never use a place like that having had two miscarriages.

I agree that EPAU's are woefully overworked but there is a reason for that.....when I was referred for an early scan due to 6 previous MC in a row (11 years ago) I was forced to stand in the waiting room. Pregnant woman, her partner, 2 people who could have been her or his parents, her sister and her sisters partner were all on chairs. I asked to sit down and was told that they all needed seats for various spurious reasons. They were all laughing and joking. The other women and I were all worried we might have lost our babies and they were treating it as a day out. I did complain both at the time and later that nothing was done.

As it was I got good news and she is doing very well now and heading for high school, but as I was queueing to pay for parking her sister was on the phone and I heard ".....oh its easy, she just pretended she had started to micarry and she got an early scan straight away". I had had to wait 2 weeks for my appointment.....

I am so sorry for your loss, been there so often myself, I know how it feels. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to accept what has happened (you never get over it but you do learn to live with it). And dont give up hope xx

So sorry for your loss and how the situation was handled x

Sorry for your loss. I had a consultant scan me to confirm a miscarriage a few years ago and he was lovely too. He shook his head and said 'I'm so sorry darling'
You've been let down badly OP, I am sorry

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I also had a bad experience with one of these places - it was Windows to the Womb. Went for an early scan at 10 weeks, was told everything looked perfect and off the back of this I (stupidly) told my family about the pregnancy and my then 3 year old. 2.5 weeks later serious problems were flagged at my NHS scan and I ended up having a TFMR. When I looked back at the scan photo from the private scan, the problem was obvious. Not to me at the time of course, but once it had been explained to me by the NHS doctors and pointed out, I could immediately see it was visible in the 10 week scan photos and I can’t believe the sonographer couldn’t have seen it. Yet she sent me merrily on my way thinking all was fine. I know it was my choice to tell my 3 year old and others about my pregnancy but obviously I wouldn’t have done so if I’d had an inkling that all might not be well. It made what was already a terrible time so much worse.

So many stories on this thread are horrific, but this one, with such a vile lack of humanity and awareness from that horrible family, shocks me most. Hell really is other people.

I went to one of these private scans places at about 7 months pregnant to get a 4D scan. It was absolutely chock full of the family of one pregnant woman. They’d all come for a gender reveal or something (my reason for being there isn’t more worthy but having had a lot of intervention, every one of my scans had flagged up a potential abnormality and I’d had to have an amniocentesis to rule out catastrophe, I wanted a fun scan). Anyway, her family took up every fucking chair and sofa in the place. There were random disinterested teens and kids on phones everywhere, completely oblivious to me and four other pregnant women forced to stand. The ignorance was impressive.

I complained and not a thing was said. I got filthy looks from this monstrous family though as I hadn’t lowered my voice.

So sorry for your loss. My MMC was found at a private scan at 16 weeks and the sonographer was wonderful. She said I am so sorry but there is no heartbeat, asked if I wanted to ring someone, and advised me to contact the midwife/EPAU. It makes me so upset that you were treated the way you were, without any compassion, and I would definitely complain once you’re feeling up to it.

If it helps I was also terrified of surgical management but it was very simple and straightforward so if you do end up having to go down that path I hope that reassures.

Make sure you take what time you need to grieve xxx

To be fair I had a 12 week scan in 1996. Sac, no baby. Sac measured about 7 weeks. The sonographer was very matter of fact and as tears fell said "oh did you want it" and sent me back to the corridor with all the pregnant women until the midwife came. Midwife was brilliant. I only wish I'd been able to articulate what had happened.

Major London teaching hospital. I think there are insensitive arseholes within and without the NHS.

Have you had an internal scan ?? Important to have one when an external one can't detect a heartbeat

These places are fine if everything is ok but they really cash in on peoples anxiety. The number of times I've read on here about people going for private reassurance scans is crazy. The nhs scans are set up the way they are for a reason and that's what should be stuck with. These private places are mercenary.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m so so sorry. I can totally understand your desperation for earlier reassurance, and that’s why these places can be exploitative at their worst. You deserved better.

Give yourself time. If writing a massive long complaint (or writing to the regulator, bad reviews and even contacting your MP about improving regulation) helps you, then do it. But if it doesn’t then don’t feel you have to.

💐💐💐

I've had MC, a MMC and two TFMRs. The MHS anomaly scan for my first tfmr was pretty awful, I don't think I've ever recovered from the way the "second opinion sonographer" treated me. He didn't even look at me, ran the scanner over my belly and went "yeah, that looks like spina bifida" and then walked off.

With my MMC I had an NHS scan, then a private scan, they told me before I went in that they couldn't diagnose me with anything or be conclusive, just give measurements and say if they could see a heartbeat or not. But I went in explaining I thought it was a MMC. They gave me an information leaflet and said to wait for my next NHS scan, which was booked for the week after.

My second TFMR baby was diagnosed at a private scan place and I'm forever grateful for her kindness and skill in knowing what she was looking for. She phoned there and then to refer me to hospital and put all the pictures in an envelope for me. I paid extra because that scan place is diagnostic.

The MHS hospital I ended up giving birth in were horrific and mishandled a traumatic situation making it worse. And then made me very ill.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, you've had an awful shock and need looking after. I hope you have support. Tommy's are very good, the FB page is very busy and you will find support and love there.

When you have got your head together a bit, I'd definitely make a formal complaint. They need to be aware that how you were treated was unacceptable.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The clinic definitely handled it badly. I would've been furious, too.
Personally, I've had two miscarriages, both of them were found at two different, private scanning clinics. Both handled them badly in their own ways. In my experience, two things are equally true: For one, you're absolutely right that the private scan clinics all lack the qualifications to handle miscarriages appropriately. Secondly, there is no good way at all to find out that you're miscarrying. It is ALWAYS devastating and traumatic.

By all means, write a negative review. Definitely. Especially if it'll make you feel just a tiny bit better. But only if it feels right to you. I never did it, although both clinics had it coming. Felt too raw and personal, and I frankly didn't have the energy.

On a side note, I want to say that my third pregnancy went without a hitch (at least physically!), and my healthy, 8 months old baby boy is sleeping soundly in his bed right now. So there is definitely a very real chance of having a healthy pregnancy the third time, even if it doesn't feel like it for a second after two loses (I didn't believe it until I heard him cry and had him placed on my chest in the hospital). I wish the very best for you, too.

I had a good experience at the Fetal Medicine Clinic, but it’s run by a leading Fetal medicine consultant and on Harley Street (and you pay accordingly) but they were excellent and we did prenatal testing there (Harmony test).

Definitely complain. Their treatment if you was awful

I had a terribly handled miscarriage in an NHS hospital. It was my third and I expected the worst but a nurse cheerfully told me that “everything looks great” and then double-checked her computer and said “oh, actually, sorry…no you are having a miscarriage”.

The reason I’m sharing this is two-fold. One, I was so unbelievably angry and so I want you to know that I agree with you. The way that this news is handled makes a huge difference. Two, this was 14 years ago and my 13-year-old son is currently stomping about upstairs… The loss will always be tough but it’s not the end of your story. Take care xxx

It's been so helpful to share and hear everyone's stories about scans. Thank you for the advice also, I will definitely look into things further once Im up to it.

Pregnancy loss can be so lonely and isolating but Im surprised how helpful its been to share online with people who've been through similar. In real life I almost felt embarassed to tell my mum and the couple of friends who knew as I knew they'd all be so horrified and what can anyone really say In that situation? I feel awkward by the reaction my story provokes in those close to me now. I hope I can keep a future pregnancy secret for as long as possible.

I really hope we get our rainbow baby soon - it sounds like many of you had pisitive outcomes in the end so I'll cling to that

Something similar happened to me with my 1st MC. I didn't know how far along I was, so was told I needed a dating scan. I should have gone to EPU but I didn't know about that yet.

I can't fully remember what she said but she said I needed to go to the hospital for an internal scan she couldn't say anything or something. Also gave me a letter for the hospital. I knew she just didn't want to say and couldn't help but crying. She just kept saying the hospital need to do an internal scan. It was honestly awful. In the middle of covid too so I was alone and not expecting that.

On the bright side I am now 28 weeks and all going well. I did go for early scans in EPU, this time and on my subsequent MC. They are really helpful there. I also had 1 extra private scan on this pregnancy.

It was shite she couldn't at least say it's not good.

I hope you're ok x

I’m going to go against the grain here but hear me out. These places are not medical or diagnostical and therefor the sonographers are likely to be inexperienced in dealing with this. The pressure would have been a lot for the sonographer there and I bet she was terrified of saying the wrong thing. She will likely have been told that if they encounter anything they are unsure about then it’s better someone trained and experienced should diagnose and deliver the news. Were you alone at the time? That would also make it difficult to break the news.
I have no idea how I would have approached it and I suspect there is no good way of doing it.
I’m so sorry you had that happen to you but I think complaining would not be fair tbh xx

I’m so sorry op. I’ve had many mmcs. I had one where there was no heartbeat at 6 weeks 5 days and then two weeks later there was a faint one but it hadn’t grown. I had said I didn’t want to see the screen and she turned it round and said - look a heartbeat!
Even I could tell it was hardly flickering and the growth failure was obvious. To see the embryo and heartbeat was awful and a visual which stuck with me when I miscarried.
They should have told you the truth and said to get rechecked. My guess is she couldn’t cope with the reaction or giving bad news.
im sorry you went through this. I got my rainbow in the end and I hope you do too.
i appreciate how raw you feel right now.
for me, it was the impact of the events around the mcs, just as much as the mcs which hurt and stayed with me. Poorly chosen words, actions and behaviours of medical staff especially. I provided feedback. I think you’d feel better if you spoke to whoever runs that clinic and understand what happened.
hugs for you