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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible to find a partner if I don’t want to have sex?

77 replies

YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 12:01

Honestly, is there any change?

And please, don’t start calling me names, I’ve heard it all by now.

I just want see if there is any change of finding love.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/05/2022 12:03

There's always a chance of finding love. Why would anyone call you names?

I'm sure there are sites out there with similar wants. There are men and woman who don't want sex. Just be upfront from the start.

anewername · 07/05/2022 12:04

Well I suppose it depends on your age, I think companion type relationships are normal in older years. Or some religious people won't want sex before marriage and may therefore no be as fixated on it later on. I suppose most younger people will eventually want to settle down in 30's so sex would be required today start a family. Maybe if you find someone who doesn't want children or asexual.

Whatever00 · 07/05/2022 12:05

I think there's a chance to find a partner. There are lots of types of love and partnership. As long as your honest I'm sure you can find someone compatible. There must be other people who also don't want to have sex

Hugasauras · 07/05/2022 12:05

Are you asexual, OP? There might be specialist dating sites/resources for people who are asexual that would be good?

FOJN · 07/05/2022 12:06

Have you tried looking at asexual dating sites? Your potential dating pool will obviously be much smaller but there are people who would like a committed relationship without sex.

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 12:08

@gamerchick

Why would anyone call you names?

Because when I’m asked why I’m single and I carefully try and say that I’m not interested in sex/physical stuff (I don’t always say this, but few times I tried to be honest) I’ve gotten comments like prude, frigid, not normal - everyone wants sex and one time this guy told me I’m useless for a man if I’m not going to give (the man) pussy.

So, I was just nervous I’d get told the same.

OP posts:
LadySilence · 07/05/2022 12:12

The people who've said these things to you are arseholes OP. There will be others out there who feel like you do, you might just have to make an extra effort to find them!

anewername · 07/05/2022 12:21

You just need to say you haven't met the right person for a relationship, you don't need to go into your personal preferences with anyone.

You might find you can meet someone and build up intimacy just without really thinking about it.

Are you well ? As depression, too much or being under weight and certain medications can really affect your sexual appetite.

BadLad · 07/05/2022 12:28

I think the chance is low, but not zero.

It's quite rare for people to be content with no sex at all in their relationship. When one partner is like that, they have sometimes just gone off sex with their partner rather than gone off sex with everybody.

So from that already very small pool, you have to find someone who likes you and whom you like.

As I said, the odds are against you but it's not completely out of the question.

chickyellowcute · 07/05/2022 12:29

plenty of men are asexual as well so yes I think you have more than a chance. Just have to be positive and look in places where people are upfront about preferences. I wouldn't be surprised if there are specific asexual dating sites by now or sites/apps where you can only be matched with someone who has also ticked 'asexual'

BadLad · 07/05/2022 12:30

Because when I’m asked why I’m single and I carefully try and say that I’m not interested in sex/physical stuff

Does physical stuff also mean kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc?

If so, I think the chances are even less.

Shoxfordian · 07/05/2022 12:35

It sounds like you’re asexual and you can definitely find love with someone similar

Look at asexual dating, have a google

Bagelsandbrie · 07/05/2022 12:37

There are plenty of asexual people who want relationships but not sex. I think perhaps your mistake has been looking on standard dating sites (?) where most people seem to want to have sex above and beyond anything else! (I say that with some jest - dh and I met on plenty of fish 15 years ago so it can work)! Maybe there’s dating apps / sites for people similar to yourself…? No idea but there should be.

Pinkpigs · 07/05/2022 12:37

No sex no kissing no touching no cuddling no holding hands how about a ghost or stay single and get a close male friend as a friend good luck with it

BlackAndPinkNose · 07/05/2022 12:39

Well it is not unusual for older men to be unable to get an erection, or they lose their libido so you will find men who want a relationship without sex, but as another poster said, they might want physical affection and intimacy in other ways - is that something that you are comfortable with?

Bridgestock5 · 07/05/2022 12:42

Not to change the topic, but want to point out something uniquely "odd".

I personally do want to have a sexual relationship, but I don't want to share the same bed every night (I'm very sensitive sleeper, and I also find it a really personal to sleep in a bed - like using the bathroom). But then when I do want to share the bed for intimacy or sex, then it makes it more special. So again, that's a more rare thing to like I think?

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 12:42

No medical reason or medications.
Maybe TMI, it’s not a problem with libido, I’m just not interested about sex.

I used to believe I’m just a ’late bloomer’, but I think I’ve past that age now too.
Then I thought I just haven’t met ’my person’, but I think that would have happened by now….

For other kind of physical stuff, I’m not sure, I think that would be okey as long as there’s no pressure to move into sex.

I’m going to be googeling asexuality.
I don’t think I’ve heard about that before.

OP posts:
MrsGHarrison87 · 07/05/2022 12:45

Most people do want sex but there will be others out there who feel the same way you do. But you would have to be upfront from the start otherwise it's not fair.

FavouriteDogMug · 07/05/2022 12:47

I think you may but as pp said it would be best to look for someone who wants the same thing probably online, as it is more unusual and you are less likely to meet someone at random. Most either want some kind of sexual relationship with a partner or they just want a less committed friendship. Where I think you might go wrong is to try to start a relationship with someone and not communicate your needs from the start. That could lead to the other being disappointed once they realised you will never want sex.

ParisNoir · 07/05/2022 12:47

BadLad · 07/05/2022 12:28

I think the chance is low, but not zero.

It's quite rare for people to be content with no sex at all in their relationship. When one partner is like that, they have sometimes just gone off sex with their partner rather than gone off sex with everybody.

So from that already very small pool, you have to find someone who likes you and whom you like.

As I said, the odds are against you but it's not completely out of the question.

Agree with this- its not impossible but its also not common.

Agree with asexual dating websites- thats probably your best bet for finding like minded people

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 12:47

I think you will struggle and you won’t find it on a typical dating site so look at asexual ones but I’m imagining the dating pool will be tiny!

RoyKentsChestHair · 07/05/2022 12:55

YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 12:08

@gamerchick

Why would anyone call you names?

Because when I’m asked why I’m single and I carefully try and say that I’m not interested in sex/physical stuff (I don’t always say this, but few times I tried to be honest) I’ve gotten comments like prude, frigid, not normal - everyone wants sex and one time this guy told me I’m useless for a man if I’m not going to give (the man) pussy.

So, I was just nervous I’d get told the same.

You get that you’re on Mumsnet right? We can be a bunch of heinous bitches at times, but nobody here is going to call you a prude or a prick tease if you don’t want to have sex.

The best thing you can do in any relationship is to be upfront and honest - there will be people out there for you.

It might help if you can be more specific (not with us, but with potential partners) about what you DO want. Eg would you be ok with doing other sexual things but not having sex, are you completely not sexual and never have been, would you be ok with an open relationship or with a partner who enjoyed porn on their own etc. Once you know your own boundaries you can communicate them properly to people you meet.

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 12:57

Just to be clear, I’ve never tried to get into a relationship without telling them about my lack of intrest in sex.
I’ve always told them pretty soon, and then they either dissapear so fast🤣 or like I said I got that comment of being useless.
One said he was okey, but ended up pressuring me, so I ended that.

Lately I just turn down if some asks me out, because I don’t now how to go about this and it’s also painful to watch them run to the other direction.

And yes, many have said sex is important, I just seemed to have missed the memo, and that stings.

OP posts:
Hellospring22 · 07/05/2022 13:05

Please don’t give up on finding your one. No one should ever call you names or make you feel bad because of this. For many people sex is a vital part of a relationship for them, so as others have suggested specifically looking to date people who feel the same way would likely be a much easier way to find someone who is happy with the situation. Wishing you all the very best with finding your one.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/05/2022 13:12

You haven't missed the memo, sex isn't important to everyone. I knew a man who never wanted sex, he just felt no interest in it. There are others out there who feel the same. I wouldn't use tinder or bumble etc to find the man for you though. And ignore comments made by men like that, they are arseholes. I hope you find someone Flowers