Is it possible to find a partner if I don’t want to have sex?

[YouAreNotBatman]

Honestly, is there any change?

And please, don’t start calling me names, I’ve heard it all by now.

I just want see if there is any change of finding love.

I think you can find someone. There has to be sites online. You may just have to travel further to find someone you like, like if you lived in a tiny rural town like me your chances wouldn't be great but extend that search area to include some cities I can almost guarantee there will be people.

It's something you need to be up front about from the very outset I think, not something to disclose early, straight away, because I do think it would be something most people would not be interested in. So traditional dating scenes prob won't work for you.

Can you be asexual if you masturbate? I always assumed asexuality meant a complete lack of any sexual needs.

No judgement, just interested.

Everyone is different.

Whatever sexuality you are, let's say hetero.

You're a woman, you see a man you think is good looking, you're attracted to him, something inside tell you you'd like to jump his bones.
You see a woman, think she's good looking, but the thing inside that says, 'jump his bones' doesn't say 'water her lettuce'

So how you feel looking at a woman is how some Asexuals feel looking at any person of any sex.

I can look at a man, think he's handsome. I can look at a woman and think she's hot. But there's no voice saying let's do the Horizontal Mambo.
It's like looking at a beautiful cake.made of playdoh, you appreciate the look, but you don't want to eat it.

Some Asexuals still masturbate though, some still have sex, which I find bizarre. But yep. For every asexual, it's different.

Thanks for explaining

No probs. Bear in mind that's just my interpretation of things. It seems everything these days has to have a spectrum with people putting all manner of labels and such on it.

For me, I'd rather have a slice of Battenburg and a nice cuppa than get moist and sweaty and see some chuckle fuck pulling gurny faces.. Ew. 🤪

Asexuality is on a spectrum.

There are people who refer to themselves as grey sexual rather than asexual as they have more ability to have sex in the right circumstances for them, but mostly not got strong sexual desire most of the time, and people who have the desire to scratch an itch themselves with masterbation, and those who are fully asexual who have always had and always will have zero sexual attraction and desires to have any sexual contact.

I’m sure of these people there may be a spectrum of those who still want to kiss, cuddle, hold hands and touch in a loving way without it having to be leading anywhere, and those who don’t want any tactile contact. Romantic and sexual attractions are separate things. Some people have both, some one, or none. Asexuals are normal people with a capacity to love just like the rest of us. I think you sound Aromanic. Which means you have the Romantic attraction but not the sexual attraction.

OP I think you should look up asexual spectrum and also find online support groups with fellow ACE people who will absolutely not judge, and help you understand where you are in the spectrum, and how to navigate relationships and finding ways to meet people with the same feelings as you.

Please ignore any negative comments, people that say these mean things are ignorant and it says more about them than you.

You have to break the habit of a lifetime and stop comparing yourself to the majority of the sexual community. You will find your people. I truly hope you will find the loving relationship you long for. Be kind to yourself and stay strong.

There must be dating sites for others in your situation? Not everyone wants sex - but I guess it is “the norm”, so although it’s not impossible, you do have to make the effort to find someone likeminded. No one with a sexual appetite would be happy getting into a relationship of celibacy.

Well in all honesty, vast majority of men and women want sex within a relationship. A relationship between you and a man who wants sex will never work. So you have to find someone who feels the same as you. It will massively reduce the pool of men who you could potentially date but it's not impossible. Best of luck

It's a shame, because what you are describing sounds like a lot of marriages 20 years in, but then again that is also basically a long term friendship and housemate.

@BensonStabler

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement.

@lassof

I’m not sure I understand what you mean.
What is a shame?

It's a shame you can't skip 20 years. Many marriages end up sexless in the end. But sadly for what you are looking for, most people start out wanting sex from their life partner. Good luck with the search.

I’m asexual too, I’ve come to the conclusion I just want good friends, a cat and a dog.

@Wotwhywhen you describe it perfectly ☺️

Yes but only if you choose someone asexual.

I had a friend like you - she thought she was asexual, but turned out she was gay and now married to a woman…
you could look in asexual forums to meet someone?
but I certainly wouldn’t date someone who didn’t want to have sex as part of our intimate relationship.

Sorry to offend your DH, but I had understood that if both testicles had to be removed, erections weren't possible and sex drive was reduced - although I have just researched it and see that testosterone replacement therapy is available, so my understanding was rather limited.

www.asexualcupid.com/
Could this be any good.

I'm aro ase so I don't want sex or a relationship but I recommend the forums on www.asexuality.org/ They're not a dating site but the forums are good for talking to other asexuals and realising that not wanting sex is perfectly normal to a percentage of the population. There are also meetups (I haven't been to one so don't know what they're like). AVEN really helped me when I first realised I was asexual.

I was on that thread. I said (in two separate posts) that

1. asexuality should be mentioned in schools when teaching sex ed i.e. "Some people are attracted to the opposite sex, some people are attracted to the same sex, some people are attracted to both and some people are attracted to neither and all are fine and normal." and

2. Some asexual people can have relationships, fall in love and have enjoyable sex with their partners despite not being sexually attracted to them

I was told that I was a safeguarding risk and that I was telling you girls that they should force themselves to have sex with people they don't want to.

Probably not with a man I wouldn't have thought no !

I am wondering if some weird men might see you as a "challenge" IYSWIM. And I can imagine them frequenting some of these asexual sites. Some weird men find it impossible to imagine that they might not be irresistible.

I am sending you lots and lots of good wishes and luck and hope that you find what/who you are seeking.

Some asexual people can have relationships, fall in love and have enjoyable sex with their partners despite not being sexually attracted to them

This makes no sense. I'm sexually attracted to some men and no women. Could I fall in love, marry and have enjoyable sex with a woman? No. No I couldn't. And telling me I could is a bit odd. It would be very very odd the other way around.

Some can, you're not one of those people. Some asexual people want relationships, I'm aro ase so I don't want that either. Some people have enjoyable sex with vibrating bits of plastic, we're all different.

Sounds like someone really wanted to misunderstand and be offended.

I’m sorry that happened.

Yes you can find someone. Be honest from the start and you never know things may or may not change. Don't pressure your self or let anyone pressure you. If you want to go out with someone ask them or if someone asks you out and you want to then go for it don't worry about the sex part or lack of it. You never know you may find a lovely person who feels the same and is happy with just your company don't give up. What sort of age range are you OP ? Perhaps someone can suggest a good site for you to look at ?

Sounds like someone really wanted to misunderstand and be offended.
I’m sorry that happened.

You sort of get used to it, over the years I've heard/read all sorts of comments about asexuality, and that's before demi sexuality is mentioned! (SwankIvy has a 'Letter to an Asexual' video series on youtube where she talks about comments she has gotten.)

Your situation is unique to you in the same way that no two heterosexual/homosexual people are the same.