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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible to find a partner if I don’t want to have sex?

77 replies

YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 12:01

Honestly, is there any change?

And please, don’t start calling me names, I’ve heard it all by now.

I just want see if there is any change of finding love.

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 07/05/2022 13:19

Maybe TMI, it’s not a problem with libido, I’m just not interested about sex.

Libido, refers to a person's desire to engage in sexual activity - so how do mean "it's not a problem with libido" when you describe a major problem with libido , ie you are not interested in sex.

Maybe you need to unpick what you actually mean when you tell people about your lack of sex drive .

Rainingoflamp · 07/05/2022 13:19

There’s definitely an asexual community and asexual dating out there. They often refer to themselves as ACE and there is AVEN (asexual visibility education network). Just for info. This is not a recommendation, or otherwise.

NewandNotImproved · 07/05/2022 13:23

Nothing wrong being asexual, it’s not something the majority of the population would be in to, which is fine. If you’ve genuinely never heard of the term, there’ll be plenty of community online with other Aces.

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 13:29

starrynight21 · 07/05/2022 13:19

Maybe TMI, it’s not a problem with libido, I’m just not interested about sex.

Libido, refers to a person's desire to engage in sexual activity - so how do mean "it's not a problem with libido" when you describe a major problem with libido , ie you are not interested in sex.

Maybe you need to unpick what you actually mean when you tell people about your lack of sex drive .

Isin’t libido sex drive as in ”itch to scratch’” so to speak?

I have that.
It just doesn’t go towards people.
I can deal with it myself and don’t want another person there for it.
I really don’t know how else to describe it.

OP posts:
TitoMojito · 07/05/2022 13:43

It sounds like you're asexual, OP. Being ace doesn't mean you have no sex drive, it means you don't experience sexual attraction. People can still 'pleasure themselves' if you want to put it that way, but have no interest in sex with other people.

It's not as easy as finding someone who wants sex but there will be other ace people out there who you might be able to form a relationship with!

Maybebabyno2 · 07/05/2022 13:51

I would be amazed if there wasn't a dating app for asexual people. If there's not, maybe you should make one!

I know a few people who are asexual, some are in relationships, some not. Good luck OP!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/05/2022 13:53

I've been trying for years OP. I'm asexual, there are asexual dating sites you can try but I didn't find anyone there. I've just come to terms with being single now.

lassof · 07/05/2022 13:57

Do you actually want a relationship or a friendship?

How about something online or long distance? To be honest, many people on dating sites don't ever want to meet anyway, although they are all about the online sex talk so if that's not your thing either it might reduce the dating pool.

latetothefisting · 07/05/2022 14:43

RoyKentsChestHair · 07/05/2022 12:55

You get that you’re on Mumsnet right? We can be a bunch of heinous bitches at times, but nobody here is going to call you a prude or a prick tease if you don’t want to have sex.

The best thing you can do in any relationship is to be upfront and honest - there will be people out there for you.

It might help if you can be more specific (not with us, but with potential partners) about what you DO want. Eg would you be ok with doing other sexual things but not having sex, are you completely not sexual and never have been, would you be ok with an open relationship or with a partner who enjoyed porn on their own etc. Once you know your own boundaries you can communicate them properly to people you meet.

Show quote history

You say this but there was a huge thread only a few months ago (actually I think there were 2, one on FWR and 1 on AIBU) about girl guides having an asexual awareness week, and the comments were atrocious, culminating in several posters equivalating asexuals to paedophiles, so I understand why OP was cautious....

SleeplessInEngland · 07/05/2022 14:43

There are asexual dating sites - whether they’re any good or not I’ve no idea. Before using them I would be clear what level of physical contact you’re ok with though. Many asexuals still like cuddling, etc.

balalake · 07/05/2022 14:45

I hope you do find someone OP, unable to offer any advice that others have not given.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/05/2022 14:47

I've found one who doesn't want sex, although he does his best for my sake. We are a bit older though!

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 14:47

@latetothefisting

What?
How is that possible?

OP posts:
Searchingsound · 07/05/2022 14:55

I feel you op. I am exactly the same. My marriage broke down because of it. I was interested in sex as a teenager but not since then. I masturbate but the thought of doing it with someone else now feels so weird and odd. I have no trauma or anything and am a very happy and social person. I found a man I liked a LOT in terms of attraction/ personality a couple of years ago and gave some foreplay a go - but it didn’t feel enjoyable at all.

I’ve come to terms with being single for the time being although people constantly ask me if I don’t miss sex/ when am I going to get a boyfriend. It’s awkward and I don’t know what to say. Interestingly my sister has been single since her marriage ended 15 years ago so maybe asexuality runs in the family….I feel like it’s a curse though!

CherrySocks · 07/05/2022 15:03

I don't know if you have gender preferences but have you considered a man who is a survivor of testicular cancer.
There might be a support group you could somehow approach.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/05/2022 15:09

one time this guy told me I’m useless for a man if I’m not going to give (the man) pussy.

I can say with some certainty if he was the only option, most of us would be firmly asexual.

Yuk and double yuk.

I agree that asexual dating websites/online groups are your best bet.

Wotwhywhen · 07/05/2022 15:18

latetothefisting · 07/05/2022 14:43

You say this but there was a huge thread only a few months ago (actually I think there were 2, one on FWR and 1 on AIBU) about girl guides having an asexual awareness week, and the comments were atrocious, culminating in several posters equivalating asexuals to paedophiles, so I understand why OP was cautious....

Show quote history

There was a couple of AMAs by an Asexual last year.

The first time thread got so bad that MN took it down.
The second thread persisted but, if memory serves, even that one ended up like Swiss cheese with many removed and insulting posts toward the OP and other Asexuals.

crumpet · 07/05/2022 15:19

OP you need to be clearer about what it is you do want. Companionship? A a best friend? A house mate? Someone to share a bed with? Someone to be tactile with?

whenwilliwillibefamous · 07/05/2022 15:27

OP have you ever been very much in love with someone and, if so, how did you feel about them, what did you want to do, what did you do, what went well and what didn't...

I think people are saying it will be helpful TO YOU if you unpick what you do and don't want and what led you to those views. Not saying you have to do that here in a public forum mind!

LaMereDuChat · 07/05/2022 15:33

CherrySocks · 07/05/2022 15:03

I don't know if you have gender preferences but have you considered a man who is a survivor of testicular cancer.
There might be a support group you could somehow approach.

What does that have to do with the price of fish? My DH (a survivor of teenage testicular cancer) would be very amused to hear it turns you asexual, apparently! We have 4 children that prove otherwise...

OP, definitely sounds like you're asexual - my sister is, also. You're doing well being honest and upfront with people; you've done a good job of rooting out life's assholes so far! Definitely try the asexual dating apps / groups and keep on being honest. Even within asexuality there's a spectrum of what people do and don't want to do. I hope you find someone - if it turns out that this is what you want.

TooManyAllergies · 07/05/2022 15:35

crumpet · 07/05/2022 15:19

OP you need to be clearer about what it is you do want. Companionship? A a best friend? A house mate? Someone to share a bed with? Someone to be tactile with?

Companionship, a partner.
Someone to share and build a life with.
Definetly more than a friend or house mate.

Of course I don’t know what all relationships look like, but I always thought I want pretty much the same that people usually want.
Okey, I’m also childfree, but many others are too.

Laiste · 07/05/2022 15:45

Name change fail OP?

dworky · 07/05/2022 15:47

Sex is not important to those who don't want it.

OP. needs to find a similar partner.

Original poster
YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2022 15:57

@Laiste

Yes, sorry about that.

OP posts:
Rainingoflamp · 07/05/2022 15:59

Having said that from what I’ve seen of the asexual/ ace ‘community’ etc there does tend to be a lot of immaturity in it and people with a lot of problems in their lives and past.

But yes it will be possible to find love it will just take a bit more effort to find it and there are all sorts of ways to meet people.