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Original poster

We are one and done - why all the questions constantly?

84 replies

Butterflyclock · 07/05/2022 10:43

We have decided we are one and done…I had a good pregnancy, but I had a c-section and I ended up with PND afterwards.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and identify as a member of the Neurodiverse community.

I am able to have another child, but I don’t want to.

However people can’t seem to accept that, even strangers!
I’ve had people say “don’t you worry about him being lonely?” and “He’ll have to look after you on his own when you’re old”.
and all sorts of other things including comments about why he’s struggles to share and one mum even said to her child at soft play “you’ve got to remember he’s not used to sharing as he’s an only child”.

I really don’t understand this viewpoint at all. It’s becoming very annoying.

OP posts:
Yamyam13 · 07/05/2022 15:29

Mumwantingtogetitright · 07/05/2022 15:08

Some people are just incredibly rude. And stupid. There are some good illustrations of that on this thread.

I have one due to secondary infertility, but it's not sad at all, actually @Marvellousmadness. DD is happy and thriving and there are so many advantages to having one. If I could go back and change it now, I would stick at one anyway...I think I was only planning for a second because it seemed to be the done thing and because I didn't realise how awesome it was to have one.

I used to get asked regularly but nobody ever mentions it now. DD is so obviously thriving that they can't really make the lonely/selfish arguments any more because it's such obvious rubbish. In hindsight, I wish I had thought up some sharp responses to people who saw fit to comment on my reproductive plans. Like "yeah, we didn't need to have any more as we got it right first time". Or "yes, when we did the research, we realised that the outcomes are so much better for only children...it wouldn't have seemed fair to dd to have another". Might have wiped the smug grins off their stupid faces!

I had a couple of years of real angst and misery about not being able to have a second child, as I had been taught by our society that being an only child is sad and damaging. Then, watching dd grow up, I realised what absolute nonsense that is. She is totally fine and every bit as happy as her peers with siblings - happier than many of them, in fact.

THIS! 100% agree and relate! Are you me? @Mumwantingtogetitright

DangerouslyBored · 07/05/2022 15:51

Louise0701 · 07/05/2022 12:25

@Thepeopleversuswork it was quite an insensitive comment as there are many women who would be very envious as they cannot have children, or who have children who have passed away.

It really wasn’t insensitive Confused

Mumwantingtogetitright · 07/05/2022 15:55

Yamyam13 · 07/05/2022 15:29

THIS! 100% agree and relate! Are you me? @Mumwantingtogetitright

Show quote history

Grin I don't think so! We have obviously been on a similar journey!

DangerouslyBored · 07/05/2022 15:59

Marvellousmadness · 07/05/2022 14:07

Prepare for a LIFETIME of these questions 🤣
(And if not to your face... behind your back pp ;))
Having 1 kid is just sad in my opinion.

And most of us think this. Thats why people ask.

But if you want 1
Then just have 1. Simples.

And most of us think this

Speak for yourself. I’m currently pregnant with my first and last. I don’t want anymore kids after this one and I couldn’t be happier with my decision. DH was an only child and had the happiest of childhoods, there was nothing sad for him about being an only child, he loved having his parent’s undivided attention, love and money!

Loads of people decide to stop at one for a myriad of positive reasons. There is nothing ‘sad’ about having the one. And a some siblings hate one another, there is no guarantee it'll be like Little House on the Prairie.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 07/05/2022 16:00

beachcitygirl · 07/05/2022 15:17

It's your life. But I'm my mums only child & it's tough, really tough. I wouldn't wish only child status on anyone at this stage of a parents life.

The thing is, it can be equally tough if you have siblings. There are no guarantees.

My parents have two children, but my dsis lives hundreds of miles away and doesn't get involved in their care at all, so it falls to me in any case. I get no support as a result of having a sibling...I just get to feel resentment about the fact that it all falls to me.

My mum had two siblings, but the care of her parents all fell to her, as her siblings were both living abroad. And my dad's siblings disagreed about the approach to caring for their mum, so it isn't always better to have siblings to share the load.

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time, though. Caring for our parents as they age is challenging for all of us.

JustLyra · 07/05/2022 16:04

People just ask. I have 6 and people ask if I'm having more (apparently it's 'weird' not seeing me with a tiny one anymore).

People just have opinions on everything. At least with one the opinions are fairly consistent - with more when someone starts you don't know if they're going to suggest more or have a poorly-disguised pop at you having too many.

DangerouslyBored · 07/05/2022 16:07

TimBoothseyes · 07/05/2022 13:15

How is it "all true". I have siblings, 1 bullied me as a child and the other didn't share any of my interests or me hers, so it's possible to grow up lonely even if you are not an only. Also it is not my DD's responsibility to take care of me in my old age, in fact I have expressly told her that she is not to do it. Neither of my siblings helped me take care of my mum when she was ill, so again, just because there is more than 1 child it doesn't mean that the caring role is shared.
DD was always good at sharing as a child (and an adult), as she went to nursery and childminders. Only children are more than capable of learning social skills.

Show quote history

You’re so right. DH is an only child, as are two of my close friends. They are all gregarious, socially confident people, especially my DH, who is incredibly charismatic and great with people. I’m one of three. I never spent time with my siblings growing up. We were so so different. I had my own friends, life, and they had theirs.

TulipsGarden · 07/05/2022 16:49

beachcitygirl · 07/05/2022 15:17

It's your life. But I'm my mums only child & it's tough, really tough. I wouldn't wish only child status on anyone at this stage of a parents life.

My dad does a lot of care for his 99 year old mum. His brother fucked off abroad 50 years ago. Not much support from him!

PinkSyCo · 07/05/2022 17:14

Strange. I know quite a few people who have just the one child and I’ve never questioned it, and as far as I’m aware neither has anyone else (not enough people for them to get het up about and/or mention anyway). I’m very surprised that even strangers give you their opinion! I thought they were all too busy judging me for having 5 kids. 🤣

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