We are one and done - why all the questions constantly?

[Butterflyclock]

We have decided we are one and done…I had a good pregnancy, but I had a c-section and I ended up with PND afterwards.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and identify as a member of the Neurodiverse community.

I am able to have another child, but I don’t want to.

However people can’t seem to accept that, even strangers!
I’ve had people say “don’t you worry about him being lonely?” and “He’ll have to look after you on his own when you’re old”.
and all sorts of other things including comments about why he’s struggles to share and one mum even said to her child at soft play “you’ve got to remember he’s not used to sharing as he’s an only child”.

I really don’t understand this viewpoint at all. It’s becoming very annoying.

Err lots of people do though? Do you think people don’t make judgements on that? 🙄

@Thepeopleversuswork it was quite an insensitive comment as there are many women who would be very envious as they cannot have children, or who have children who have passed away.

The way you word it does sound like you judge her tbh

I dont understand this, I have one 6 year old and in the past 6 years I dont think i can recall ever being asked if i was going to.have another let alone have to justify my reasons not to.

I have three children but get totally why people stop at one. Probably the happiest parents I know all only have one, they have freedom to do other stuff besides 'kid' things, find it quite easy to get a babysitter, more money, less plastic shite all over their house (my kids are young) etc etc etc.

But there seems to be an assumption that two is the 'usual' amount and anything outside that is wrong.

Also, it's not just one child families who get questions - I am regularly baffled by how many people still ask me if I'm planning any more children! Is three not enough?! So I actually think this is just something people say to women of vaguely child-bearing age, regardless of their actual circumstances.

identify as a member of the Neurodiverse community

This phrasing is so odd

I have 4 and often get asked if I’m having any more or if I’m done, people ask everyone that is true, and I’m single, sounds like you are just more sensitive and as I said sounds like you have your own judgements against those who have more than the perfect two!

Ugh I hate this attitude !!!!
I’ve got an only, not through choice, she was IVF

she wasn’t a week old before the - when are you having another ?- started !!

2 kids make a family

just adopt !!

aww she’ll be sad, lonely, spoilt, etc

kids need a sibling …

bless her what a shame …

i’ve heard it all -

grit your teeth, change subject, hope they grow some tact - that’s all I can suggest x

Sorry if I've offended you but that isn't what we're talking about. We're not talking about people who are envious about not being able to have children or those whose children have died. We're talking about someone who can have more children but is constantly being asked why she doesn't want to.

There's a tendency for many people to a) be incredibly nosy and intrusive about other people's reproductive plans and b) to assume that all women by default want as many children as they can have and to question them if they don't deliver the optimal number. That's incredibly insensitive in my view. And I think a lot of it is just down to people lacking the imagination to realise that not everyone is like them and feel vaguely threatened when other people are more independently minded.

I obviously have a great deal of compassion for the people you mention but they are irrelevant to discussion and also unlikely to read a thread like this.

Some people just have a script. Like my mum….I know if I say or do a particular thing she’ll repeat a particular line…in fact I can predict the whole conversation so I don’t say the thing. If I try to explain anything, she doesn’t retain the information and it’s all repeated again at a later date. Some people have ‘read only memory’ so there’s no point trying to correct them.

Dont waste your energy saying anything at all or change the subject x

You're being a responsible person, and a good parent. It's social convention to have more than one - increasingly it seems that people are going for three, not two.
Just ignore.

Give it time.

I wish people would stop questioning others' reproductive choices.

It's insensitive and there are many reasons why someone might have only one child, which are none of anyone else's business. The only thing I would add is to recognise that an only child faces a different set of experiences (some good, others bad) from those with siblings, and think how you can accentuate the positives.

I must be odd, no one has ever asked me about only having one. No one questions my choice, maybe I’m just lucky.

if they did, I would tell them the truth. Ones enough for me, can’t be bothered ever having anymore 😂 fair play to those that do, it’s not for me.

It’s not ‘all true’ though, is it?

Honestly, the only place I’ve really experienced judgment or unpleasantness for having one child is Mumsnet. Which is ironic, really.

How is it "all true". I have siblings, 1 bullied me as a child and the other didn't share any of my interests or me hers, so it's possible to grow up lonely even if you are not an only. Also it is not my DD's responsibility to take care of me in my old age, in fact I have expressly told her that she is not to do it. Neither of my siblings helped me take care of my mum when she was ill, so again, just because there is more than 1 child it doesn't mean that the caring role is shared.
DD was always good at sharing as a child (and an adult), as she went to nursery and childminders. Only children are more than capable of learning social skills.

Tell the questioner that your other children are in care. That will probably stop the conversation.

I don't pass comments on how many children have but to suggest that people who have more than one child are worried they don't have enough freedom or are jealous of you is plain stupid and smacks of protesting too much

It's such a weird thing for people to be bothered about, someone else's family size choice. It has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Why would they be jealous? That makes no sense. If they have two children then they obviously made a choice after the first one to have another so they have what they want.

“We read about how much better only children do in life and just really wanted that for him, not to spoil that for him and have another”with a sweet smile should do it.

i say that because people are arses, and deserve you to be rude back, not because I agree, I’d have a house full if I could haha

It's not all true though.

So you just judge her silently?

Agree with pp that's it's weird to "identify as a member of the ND community."

I told a woman on the bus who repeatedly asked me when I was having a second child to mind her own business. She tutted and had a loud gossip with the woman next to her about how rude I was.