We are one and done - why all the questions constantly?

[Butterflyclock]

We have decided we are one and done…I had a good pregnancy, but I had a c-section and I ended up with PND afterwards.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and identify as a member of the Neurodiverse community.

I am able to have another child, but I don’t want to.

However people can’t seem to accept that, even strangers!
I’ve had people say “don’t you worry about him being lonely?” and “He’ll have to look after you on his own when you’re old”.
and all sorts of other things including comments about why he’s struggles to share and one mum even said to her child at soft play “you’ve got to remember he’s not used to sharing as he’s an only child”.

I really don’t understand this viewpoint at all. It’s becoming very annoying.

Prepare for a LIFETIME of these questions 🤣
(And if not to your face... behind your back pp ;))
Having 1 kid is just sad in my opinion.

And most of us think this. Thats why people ask.

But if you want 1
Then just have 1. Simples.

My son is nearly 4 and I do get comments at the school nursery of other mums and family members too. I had him quite young, im enjoying my freedom while he’s at nursery and finally feel settled at work. Also in todays climate I don’t even know if we could afford another one without cutting back on days out, holidays and other fun things. Which maybe it’s me being selfish but I’m really enjoying having nice things, me time and enjoying one child. There’s no rule book to life and motherhood

😂Ain't no protesting too much here. I never had the slightest desire to have more than one child. You're projecting.

I'm not suggesting people who have more than one child are automatically jealous of those who have fewer. But I think people with multiple children who ask why someone hasn't had more are ill-mannered, ignorant and unintelligent.

Why would anyone who's happy with their choices feel the need to ask others why they haven't had more? The question assumes as a starting point that the decision is sub-optimal.

No one ever asks why someone doesn't have a dog or a cat. Or why someone doesn't have a garden shed or why they don't live in Dover. There's an underlying assumption that if someone hasn't had more than one child that something must be wrong.

I find it really strange that you get asked that so much. It’s just so obvious that there could potentially be an extremely painful reason for it. I know it isn’t necessarily the case and lots of people choose to stop at one because they want to, but equally there’s also a very good chance that secondary infertility, age, relationship difficulties, mental health problems or birth trauma (or any combination of the above) could be at play. Why on earth would anyone risk asking?!

I think I’ve got this weird guilt and I don’t know why.
Maybe because I know I can have more and I’m choosing not to.
My friend has only got one and it was a difficult IVF journey, she’s over 40 so they’ve made the decision to stop at their one DD. However she regularly says how much she’d like another if she could and when I told her I was one and done by choice I felt a weird guilt and like I’m doing something wrong.

Having 1 kid is just sad ?? Wow 😮

Oh no are you feeling very tired with your massive amount of children and no time to yourself?

I'm an only child with an only child, so I just say 'I think I turned out ok' and give them a hard stare.

@Marvellousmadness Can I ask why you think it’s sad? I’d be interested to know.

Ask them questions to answer each of their questions. ‘Why do you ask?’ - ‘why do you think that?’ ‘Where did you get that idea from?’ ‘Who told you that?’ ‘What research is that based on?’ Etc etc. just for fun.

I don't pass comments on how many children have but to suggest that people who have more than one child are worried they don't have enough freedom or are jealous of you is plain stupid and smacks of protesting too much

^I agree. I don’t know anyone who just had 1 child.

I'm interested too.

I have plenty of only child friends who are happy well adjusted people and describe their childhoods with fondness and no word of being lonely.
As other PP have indicated, having siblings doesn't guarantee you good relationships with them or that they will be around to share the care of elderly parents. Sometimes it can actually make it all more complicated and difficult.

Swings and roundabouts, like all of life!

@drpet49

I don’t know anyone who just had 1 child

This thread is a real eye opener. I thought the stigma and bigotry of the 2.4 children normative template was a thing of the past.

Roughly half of my close friends only have one child. It’s great. I’m gobsmacked that people still find this unusual.

Some people are just incredibly rude. And stupid. There are some good illustrations of that on this thread.

I have one due to secondary infertility, but it's not sad at all, actually @Marvellousmadness. DD is happy and thriving and there are so many advantages to having one. If I could go back and change it now, I would stick at one anyway...I think I was only planning for a second because it seemed to be the done thing and because I didn't realise how awesome it was to have one.

I used to get asked regularly but nobody ever mentions it now. DD is so obviously thriving that they can't really make the lonely/selfish arguments any more because it's such obvious rubbish. In hindsight, I wish I had thought up some sharp responses to people who saw fit to comment on my reproductive plans. Like "yeah, we didn't need to have any more as we got it right first time". Or "yes, when we did the research, we realised that the outcomes are so much better for only children...it wouldn't have seemed fair to dd to have another". Might have wiped the smug grins off their stupid faces!

I had a couple of years of real angst and misery about not being able to have a second child, as I had been taught by our society that being an only child is sad and damaging. Then, watching dd grow up, I realised what absolute nonsense that is. She is totally fine and every bit as happy as her peers with siblings - happier than many of them, in fact.

Sometimes people ask these questions because they want to know about you and want to gossip afterwards. I’ve met a couple of mum’s like this at primary.
Some might comment because they think that they have right to comment e.g close relatives. Sometimes people are just stupid and their communication skills are poor. I was like this when younger, and believe me, I didn’t want to upset anyone, just wasn’t thinking at all. Also it’s a usual way of behavior between my parents and relatives. I’m different these days and hope that I’ve got rid of it completely but took me quite a while so maybe your school Mum has the same problem as younger me.

Sad? Really? I’m an only child and loved all the space and peace. I have 2 and they constantly fight like cat and dog. And before you tell me it’s only a phase it’s racked 15 years so far.

OP they’re free to have 20 if they like, or whatever is the perfect number in Judgeyland. You’re free to stop at 1.

I would want to reply with scorching sarcasm but I’d probably just smile snd wave. I imagine it’s incredibly tedious though.

People have no awareness and/or no filter. It was a really traumatic question for me when dd was little. I had miscarried her only sibling and it wasn't happening for us again. I felt immense guilt and concern about the likely impact on dd. But complete strangers and casual acquaintances all seemed to think it was perfectly fine to comment, to warn me about the dire consequences of only having one etc. And not only in front of dd, but sometimes directly addressed to her...you tell your mummy and daddy to give you a baby brother or sister so that you don't get lonely with nobody to play with. Ignorant fuckwits.

Now I know that it was all nonsense anyway because I have the benefit of hindsight and I know how dd turned out, but at the time, I was really anxious.

It's your life. But I'm my mums only child & it's tough, really tough. I wouldn't wish only child status on anyone at this stage of a parents life.

"Identify as a member of the Neurodiverse community"

Just say "I'm neurodiverse". Claiming you identify as something sounds like you're just pretending.

If they’re not jealous why would they concern themselves, in such a rude and intrusive way, with other people’s reproductive decisions?

Its staggeringly rude and inappropriate. I cannot see what other motivation people would have. Other than wanting to make someone feel shit.

Having 1 kid is just sad in my opinion

Why?

We only have one, and I am definitely done. I've got to admit though i don't really get the questions other than from people who don't know us, eg at DSs activities, talking to another parent they mention another child of theirs and then say do you have any others and I say no just the one, to me that's just conversation. No one has ever pushed it or told me he'll be lonely/lacking in social skills/won't share etc I have had a fair few say in hushed tones with a wry smile, sometimes I wish we'd stopped at one...

I agree, I have never been 'judged' for how many children I have

Spend most days wishing I’d stopped at one, but you can’t generally say that without offending everyone 😬

@Marvellousmadness thinks it's sad to have one child, maybe it's sad for children to have a parent still quoting a twee insurance advert featuring meerkats a decade after the fact, we'll never know.
What I do know is my son is thriving, socialises well with other children and adults, has a huge amount of opportunities and is very happy and well rounded, as for a sibling helping out with ageing parents, you've clearly never met my brother.