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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the teacher shouldn't be saying my son has to start walking to school on his own.

66 replies

wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 10:11

My son is 10 with SEN under diagnosis for autism, he has the mental age of a 5-6-year-old, He can't cross roads safely, he knows how but forgets constantly and just walks out I think something to do with his memory issues, I'm not sure though, also he has to be watched constantly as he will walk into lamposts, etc so I have to be ready to stop him, don't always manage to but most the time I do, he is also suspected of having dyspraxia. He is also has little awareness of danger. He has a younger brother who is 9 and autistic and there are times when they are late to school due to meltdowns. I manage best as I can with them and time it best as I can so as not to set my youngest off into a meltdown with the crowds of people, some days can be worse than others due to factors beyond our control like bonfire night or Christmas, changes in routine, he's done pretty well the first week back and weren't late once and this week haven't been late which is good considering we lost my dad the weekend before last so obviously, they were devastated and had a week off to adjust. I think the possibility of being late is why but in my mind it is better to get them both safely to school. We also currently live in a rough area with very busy roads and it's the same pretty much all the way to school, which is a 10-minute walk away. There is also an agreement in place that as long as we are there before 9.30 that's fine and won't go down as a late mark due to my younger son's issues. Usually, if we are late it's 5-10 minutes, very rare it's longer. Although there were times when I got my eldest in but neither teachers or me could get my youngest through the school gates for an hour or 2. Leaving earlier is not an option as my youngest is no good at waiting and his anxiety builds up more and then we struggle to get him into school grounds at all also being around the rush of traffic, kids and parents sets him off and same problems we always aim to get there for 8.55 when there is a lot less about to flare up his anxiety. We had a lot of meetings and tried different things to get to this point which works the best.

OP posts:
Matchingcollarandcuffs · 05/05/2022 10:16

Can school not open up a bit earlier for them so you beat the rush early? Then teacher or TA find 'jobs' to keep them occupied?

Sorry about your dad

meloncolic · 05/05/2022 10:18

I feel like other people will be along with better advice, but I just wanted to say that that whole routine sounds incredibly hard for you. I mean I’m sure in an ideal world there might be better than that you ‘could’ achieve but my God it sounds like you battle so much before 9 o’clock before half the country have got to a second cuppa.

The school run is hard enough and so relentless, your kids’ extra needs sound like they make it just an obstacle course every day.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 10:18

That's one option we looked at but the school decided it wasn't doable but would be ideal.

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 05/05/2022 10:19

If you have an agreement with the school then that sounds like it has gone higher than this teacher. I would just push back - the school agrees with your routine and you will continue with it until your next review meeting with the Senco/Head.

Comefromaway · 05/05/2022 10:20

A reasonable accommodation for both f your children would be an earlier arrival into school or a later one to miss the rush.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 10:23

@meloncolic never really thought about it tbh, just have to be really organised for the morning which helps although it still feels like I have toddlers at times especially when my youngest doesn't sleep well and has to be watched when he's up, now he's on medication gets 4-6 hours a night which is better than it was.

OP posts:
ElegantlyTouched · 05/05/2022 10:24

Could you ask if you could take them in to a room early, so they won't need teacher supervision but that they're inside before the crowd arrives?

BuanoKubiamVej · 05/05/2022 10:26

Sounds to me like you are doing fine. Obviously regular lateness isn't ideal but you have already established by trial-and-error that the current setup is the least-worst option. Obviously a child without road-sense can't get to school alone. You just have to do your best, which you are already doing. They can't make you do differently.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 10:27

@ElegantlyTouched this was one option discussed in the meeting but they decided it's not currently an option.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 05/05/2022 10:39

I think sometimes as a SEN parent you do think differently - especially if the eldest child is the one with problems - as that is all you have even known as a parent. You cope because you have to - what else is there. I think this is why parents of kids where the SN child is the 2nd or futher child find the balance tougher as they were taught the 'normal' by the earlier 'normal' child...

But to get that from a teacher... I'd be questioning whether the teacher has any real understanding of your child's issues at all! At our primary the kids are encouraged to walk themselves in yr6 but the yr5's are only really 'allowed' to walk alone towards the end of the school year. So your boy at 10 (I'm assuming yr5) would be in a minority even at an NT child...

olympicsrock · 05/05/2022 10:42

Just keep doing your best and ignore.

Everydayisabadhairday · 05/05/2022 10:45

Why do they think your son walking to school by himself when it would be incredibly dangerous is a better option than them letting you into school early before everyone else?

BlackeyedSusan · 05/05/2022 10:48

I might bat back at them someything along the lines of as school is unable to acoomodate coming in early as a reasonable adjustment... agreed with sendco/head/whoeverr, concerned that suggesting something that would be a safeguarding concern and lack of understanding oif his needs and disability...

Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 10:56

@LittleOwl153 I was thinking that too and I know I was never allowed to walk to primary alone, or even in the first year of high school and that was a better area although it was an hours walk each way. Have seen as young as 7 and 8 year olds walking on their own and have witnessed them nearly hit by cars too and mentioned it to school.

But it does seem to be since he got his new teacher and I don't think he does consider that he's not a typical child. His teacher was left a full list as well as the information from SENCO by his previous teacher before she left to make sure there were no problems. My son was upset when he came out yesterday because the teacher told him off for forgetting his coat despite being informed that his memory issues are a lot worse atm and he's more easily distracted and he's having more difficulty processing information.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 10:58

@BlackeyedSusan the ironic thing is they decided having them in early is a safeguarding risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 10:59

@Everydayisabadhairday I'd say it would be better to have them in earlier but they said it would be a safeguarding issue.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 05/05/2022 11:05

If you asked them to be officially responsible for his safety on his way to school, it would be a flat no, so they'll have to accept your judgement.

It sounds as if you are right that he is not safe walking to school on his own, and so while there is a need for some sort of solution, that's not it.

LittleOwl153 · 05/05/2022 11:24

Time for a meeting with the SENDCO, and the teacher I think. this teacher needs his syse opening before he causes some serious damange. He is already undoing what is probably years of hard work to get your son this far!

orbitalcrisis · 05/05/2022 11:28

Could you do a few trial runs with him walking ahead? My children became much better with these things when they were 'alone', they seemed to know that they didn't have me to do their thinking for them! The first few times we used a long range walkie talkie so I could give them reminders about crossing roads, etc. And talk about what you are doing aloud when you walk with him, it helps to cement the information.

Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 11:38

@orbitalcrisis it's not that he doesn't know how to cross a road, he does but he forgets and will try and go straight across without looking, he even forgets to wipe his bum after a poo that's how bad he is with it sorry if tmi and there's also the fact he keeps walking into things and I have to stop him doing so to avoid any more eggs on his head which is why they think he may also have dyspraxia.

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 05/05/2022 11:49

@wildchild554 I assumed he knew and was just forgetting in the moment, that's why I thought saying it over and over again might help. I might not but it's worth a try! I still find it difficult not to narrate my actions because I spent so long doing it with my children!

Original poster
wildchild554 · 05/05/2022 11:54

@orbitalcrisis I narrate all the time to them I sometimes think people must think I'm mad lol.

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 05/05/2022 11:57

Oh goodness, life does sound very full on for you

Valeriekat · 05/05/2022 22:30

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 05/05/2022 10:16

Can school not open up a bit earlier for them so you beat the rush early? Then teacher or TA find 'jobs' to keep them occupied?

Sorry about your dad

Sorry but teachers and TAs are not childminders. There is a lot to do before the school day starts.

SoftSheen · 05/05/2022 22:36

Two children at my DCs' (large and busy) primary school have different needs which make it difficult for them to deal with crowds. They therefore have a daily routine of arriving and leaving 10 minutes earlier than everyone else. This is a reasonable accommodation which you could propose to your school.