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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting ex to the wedding

59 replies

Leftie202 · 04/05/2022 11:46

My fiancé wants to invite his ex to our wedding. I don’t want any ex’s there at all, we are having a small wedding with only close friends and close family. Less than 50 guests. The thing is, his best friend is now with his ex, in a relationship. They don’t live together but I would say it’s serious. I have never met her and don’t really intend to. I don’t want her there, but fiancé says he can’t not if she’s with his best mate! My reason for not wanting her there is because I don’t think any of our ex’s should be invited. So, aibu? I haven’t said absolutely not, but I’ve said how I feel.

OP posts:
PetersRabbitt · 04/05/2022 11:48

I imagine she no longer has feelings for him if she is with the best mate. Does your partner still hold a candle for her? Does he want her to witness what she’s ‘missing’?

if not then it’s fine IMO, but if any of the above it’s a cold no!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/05/2022 11:50

I would invite best mate plus one, so that if they split before the wedding, she doesn't come, so only a guest as long as still with best mate.

If it is serious and they stay together, you could end up having a lot more contact.

Whatever00 · 04/05/2022 11:51

I think you are being unreasonable. His past relationships are past. She is with his friend and will he her plus 1. Neither of them hold a candle.

Original poster
Leftie202 · 04/05/2022 11:52

No I don’t think any feelings are there at all. I don’t know why but I feel very insecure about her being there, I really don’t like it and it makes me feel uneasy.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 04/05/2022 11:52

Can't really blame your fiance given the ex is now with his best friend. I'd say allow it, if they're on amicable terms what difference will it make?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 04/05/2022 12:02

I wouldn't want it either, OP.

As they don't have children together, I think it's inappropriate.

And now that his ex has moved on to be with his best mate I find that a bit creepy anyway.

TheMagicPudding · 04/05/2022 12:03

You say ' I don't want exes there' but there's a big difference between including someone that's in a serious relationship with someone who is important to your partner and inviting someone he was with 10 years ago and hasn't seen since.
If it was the other way round and one of your best friends/ bridesmaids etc would you make the allowance? If so then I think you know your answer!

Thestoppedfan · 04/05/2022 12:06

I would arrange a meal or something so you can meet her and get a feel for if you would be comfortable or not.

My DH slept with one of his friends on and off at uni. Not inviting her would mean she would be the only one of them not invited to our wedding. I was set against it until I met her- she was lovely and I actually got on with her really well. I was glad we invited her in the end.

Whoopsies · 04/05/2022 12:18

My husband ex gf came to our wedding in the same circumstances. We also went to her wedding a few years later. The 4 of us hang out with our kids sometimes. The fact she is an ex doesn't bother me in the slightest and I'm happy the 2 men have been able to continue a friendship.

Irishfarmer · 04/05/2022 12:36

I am from a small areas so this happens! Did your fiancé have a long relationship with her or just a few weeks/ months? If she is in a serious relationship with his best friend now I think you should give BF an invite +1. Are you giving +1 to all other friends?

JamSandwich89 · 04/05/2022 12:51

Given her being in a serious relationship with DHs best mate, I think YABU, however maybe what's more useful is trying to help you work out why her being there makes you feel uneasy...? You said you don't think DH and exGF have feelings for each other so... do you think it makes you feel uneasy because you feel like she's in his past and you're his present/future? The wedding is about the future.

I agree with a PP who said invite best mate plus one, and that maybe you will see more of exGF in the future, if her relationship with DHs best mate developes more, so maybe keep that in mind. Maybe try meeting her? You might actually end up getting on well.

DelurkingAJ · 04/05/2022 12:56

Several of my exs were at our wedding. It was a bit of a red flag to me when I met DH that he wasn’t still friends with any of his. So in my world YABU. However, that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel like this, the question is what you do. I would recommend plastering a smile on and inviting her…DH these days has a certain camaraderie with at least one of my exs, they sigh together over my inability to do DIY.

Notagoodnight · 04/05/2022 12:59

My ex was best man at my wedding.

It's an ex. You are getting married. If this is giving you insecurities, you have bigger problems than whether the ex attends the wedding.

I'm wondering why you haven't met her yet

motogirl · 04/05/2022 13:02

I'd invite mine, but we are still good friends. As she's the partner of his friend then yes invite

NashvilleQueen · 04/05/2022 13:36

I went to my ex-partner's wedding. It was fine. I was happy for him and glad that he was someone else's problem!

gannett · 04/05/2022 13:42

"No exes at the wedding" is a weird blanket rule. People have all sorts of relationships with their exes, from amicable and platonic to hostile and toxic, and pretty much everything in between. If an ex is now just a mate why wouldn't you want them there? And especially if she's now in a relationship with his best mate - he's right, he can't invite his friend but not his friend's partner!

If you think they hold a candle for each other you shouldn't be marrying him. If you don't think that and you just "feel weird" then that's not based on anything real and you should work out why you feel so strongly about it.

Theforest · 04/05/2022 13:43

If you don't feel comfortable with her being there, then I think that's your call. It's your wedding!

DinoRock · 04/05/2022 13:44

I would invite her but as a plus 1 personally so that if they split up she won't be there. But if you're uncomfortable then that's fine as long as he can veto your guests too.

OutDamnedSpot · 04/05/2022 13:47

I think this says more about you than him and you need to work on your insecurity. He’s chosen to be with you, to marry you. His ex has a new partner. She doesn’t sound like a threat.

Noorandapples · 04/05/2022 13:50

This is your wedding, I firmly believe you should both have power of veto over things you don't want. Whether that's not wanting an ex there or not wanting a particular decoration. This isn't his best friend's wedding, he'll get over not bringing his girlfriend.

Chilesstanton · 04/05/2022 13:52

You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable on your day - the bf doesn’t trump the bride! I would not invite the ex - the bf will understand.

catscatscatseverywhere · 04/05/2022 13:56

50 people and ex among them. No no no. It's so wrong :|

MintJulia · 04/05/2022 13:57

SleeplessInEngland · 04/05/2022 11:52

Can't really blame your fiance given the ex is now with his best friend. I'd say allow it, if they're on amicable terms what difference will it make?

This.

If she's his best friend's girlfriend now, you'll meet her at some point, so it might as well be when you look utterly fabulous. Smile

Original poster
Leftie202 · 04/05/2022 14:05

It wasn’t serious, 6 month relationship. If it were the other way round it wouldn’t happen because none of my close friends would get with one of my ex’s it’s a bit of a rule for us, we just wouldn’t so wouldn’t be in that situation. We are not having plus 1s as it’s a small wedding but are inviting those who are in a relationship or married. Thank you for the replies, it’s made me think a bit

OP posts:
NinjaQueen · 04/05/2022 18:01

I would say invite BF +1

How long ago was their relationship? It can't have been very serious to last just 6 months and she is now dating his BF.