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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband may fancy another woman

70 replies

pearlsandpetals · 03/05/2022 20:29

Hi all,

So just wanted your opinion on something. So basically my husband has started a new job recently and after his first day he mentioned that his manager is very young and just fresh out of university (my husband is in his 40s). I didn't think anything of it because I'm not really insecure or anything but I have noticed some changes in him in the past few weeks. For example, he is showering much more frequently and using strong scented aftershave. Usually he doesn't care and will go days on end without bathing! He has also started working more frequently and says that he's been asked to do the extra shifts but I know him too well, and I don't think this is something that would happen in his line of work. I am now wondering whether he has developed a crush on his manager or possibly someone else at work. I asked him jokingly who he was trying to impress after I saw that he had used his aftershave to see how he would react and he got very defensive saying that I had annoyed him and that he needs to freshen up more often now that he's doing the extra work. He didn't speak to me the rest of the night then the following day was very affectionate towards me and brought me some of my favourite snacks home from work that next evening. Am I just being a paranoid wife or do you think that there is something else going on. I don't necessarily believe he is having an affair but my intuition says that he has developed a bit of a crush. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Blessmyears · 03/05/2022 20:31

Sounds an awful lot like it to me OP, any idea how you're going to handle it?

JollyWilloughby · 03/05/2022 20:32

I think you need to listen to your intuition and keep a close eye on him.

MintyMoocow · 03/05/2022 20:34

On the upside, she is unlikely to fancy him back. He’s probably making a bit of a prat of himself.

Bookworm20 · 03/05/2022 20:41

It does sound like he is trying to impress something. How long do the 'extra shifts' go on for? And how long has he been working there?

Bookworm20 · 03/05/2022 20:42

someone not something!

5128gap · 03/05/2022 20:42

Oh he's got the hots for her alright. Agree with pp, unless he's absolutely gorgeous, it's highly unlikely she'll reciprocate. Not that that helps much as you've still got him making a twat of himself at best, and making a nuisance of himself to a young woman at worst.
Not sure what you can do tbh other than hope he's got the good sense to prioritise what really matters over a fantasy, and reign himself in before he crosses a line.

Palmfrond · 03/05/2022 21:09

I was “orbiting” a young woman at work, started doing the ridiculous mid-life crisis thing of sprucing myself up a bit more etc. Luckily a friend noticed and told me that the very best outcome was me making a total tit of myself. The worst outcome being me driving my family life and children’s security into a tree.
I was and am very happily married, and everyone has their own specific situation, and personally I would not have been offended if my wife had called me out about it, as aside from my starry eyed delusions we have a very close relationship. Had she done that, though, I think the power of my denial might have stopped her from getting through, and your husband sounds if anything even more in denial.
Im by no means an expert, I’m just speaking from my own experience, but if your husband has a sensible friend who could help him snap out of it, that might work.
What helped me was being told that, if anything happened between this woman and I, it would weaken my kids’ position in this world; a house divided and all that, and that I needed to basically man up. It sounds a bit toxic masculinity, I know, but it was relevant.
In the end I did get over myself, but I can’t take to much credit as I also ended up working separately from the woman in question after a while.
I don’t know the details of your relationship, but mine with my wife was and remains very good. You’ll often get a lot of strong reactions from mumsnetters about this type of situation, and often they are appropriate, but speaking for myself I’m not the cheating type, and yet I still got these notions and pushed boundaries, I surprised myself tbh.
Anyway I hope you find a good resolution.

Bluestripeddress · 03/05/2022 21:14

Days on end without bathing?? Ewwww

LampLighter414 · 03/05/2022 21:31

Could he be having an affair OP?

Raychelle · 03/05/2022 21:47

It certainly sounds like she… or somebody else… has gotten his attention. To be honest, I’d be a bit pissed off that he will bathe and put aftershave on and make an effort for somebody else but not you?!

FrancescaContini · 03/05/2022 21:50

Did he really use to go days on end without washing? 😮

RobertaFirmino · 04/05/2022 00:28

he doesn't care and will go days on end without bathing!

That is both minging and inconsiderate when you are working with others. We often see 'What do I do about smelly colleague' threads here and the advice is generally to tell them directly (in a tactful way, obvs.). Perhaps this is what has happened to your DH?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2022 00:32

For example, he is showering much more frequently and using strong scented aftershave. Usually he doesn't care and will go days on end without bathing!

Fucking grim. Let the woman have him. Raise your standards, FGS.

MunchMunch · 04/05/2022 00:43

Has he developed mentionitis yet?

Yes it sounds like he might have a bit of a crush on someone, more than likely her seeing as hes just started changing since she came along.

Katya213 · 04/05/2022 01:06

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2022 00:32

For example, he is showering much more frequently and using strong scented aftershave. Usually he doesn't care and will go days on end without bathing!

Fucking grim. Let the woman have him. Raise your standards, FGS.

😆😆

Pawtriarchal · 04/05/2022 01:30

If fancying someone else means he starts washing then to be honest it might be a bonus.

oakleaffy · 04/05/2022 01:53

My husband had 'Mentionitis'' with a 'Manager' {senior teacher} where he was working.

He began to change his appearance, and looked more 'Alive' when he mentioned her.
She was significantly older than him, so I thought nothing of it... In fact, made a joke about it.

Then...He started staying out very late, so say ''Working''.

Turned out they did have an affair, he left me and DC for her, and they married and divorced two years later.

oakleaffy · 04/05/2022 01:56

FrancescaContini · 03/05/2022 21:50

Did he really use to go days on end without washing? 😮

He sounds quite a catch!

Not.

What makes a man not wash for his actual wife, but stops being a soap ~dodger when he sees someone he fancies?
He must think his luck is in!

Sunnytwobridges · 04/05/2022 02:00

Bluestripeddress · 03/05/2022 21:14

Days on end without bathing?? Ewwww

I came here to say the same thing. Yuck. That would be a deal breaker in itself even without his interest in this colleague

Pickabearanybear · 04/05/2022 03:54

This reply has been withdrawn

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WTF475878237NC · 04/05/2022 05:12

It's pretty unanimous. What's your plan?

girlmom21 · 04/05/2022 06:04

I wonder if someone's mentioned his hygiene to him, too.

MsDogLady · 04/05/2022 06:05

@pearlsandpetals, it sounds like his head has turned.

Have you and your H ever discussed what protection of fidelity means in your marriage? I would bring up how it’s normal to be attracted to flattery and ego boosts, but failure to keep strong boundaries would cause irreparable harm to your marriage and would destabilize your new baby’s home and life.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 04/05/2022 06:20

Pawtriarchal · 04/05/2022 01:30

If fancying someone else means he starts washing then to be honest it might be a bonus.

🤣
It's probably just a crush. Lots of people have crushes occasionally, doesn't mean they'll act on it.

whymewhyme · 04/05/2022 06:24

Your spot on but he wont tell you or admit anything