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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband may fancy another woman

70 replies

pearlsandpetals · 03/05/2022 20:29

Hi all,

So just wanted your opinion on something. So basically my husband has started a new job recently and after his first day he mentioned that his manager is very young and just fresh out of university (my husband is in his 40s). I didn't think anything of it because I'm not really insecure or anything but I have noticed some changes in him in the past few weeks. For example, he is showering much more frequently and using strong scented aftershave. Usually he doesn't care and will go days on end without bathing! He has also started working more frequently and says that he's been asked to do the extra shifts but I know him too well, and I don't think this is something that would happen in his line of work. I am now wondering whether he has developed a crush on his manager or possibly someone else at work. I asked him jokingly who he was trying to impress after I saw that he had used his aftershave to see how he would react and he got very defensive saying that I had annoyed him and that he needs to freshen up more often now that he's doing the extra work. He didn't speak to me the rest of the night then the following day was very affectionate towards me and brought me some of my favourite snacks home from work that next evening. Am I just being a paranoid wife or do you think that there is something else going on. I don't necessarily believe he is having an affair but my intuition says that he has developed a bit of a crush. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 04/05/2022 06:33

MintyMoocow · 03/05/2022 20:34

On the upside, she is unlikely to fancy him back. He’s probably making a bit of a prat of himself.

This. He’s having a silly mid life crisis.

balalake · 04/05/2022 06:39

If it is just a crush, at least your nostrils are getting a benefit. Why were you accepting of no bathing for several days?

Thedogshouses · 04/05/2022 06:42

Palmfrond · 03/05/2022 21:09

I was “orbiting” a young woman at work, started doing the ridiculous mid-life crisis thing of sprucing myself up a bit more etc. Luckily a friend noticed and told me that the very best outcome was me making a total tit of myself. The worst outcome being me driving my family life and children’s security into a tree.
I was and am very happily married, and everyone has their own specific situation, and personally I would not have been offended if my wife had called me out about it, as aside from my starry eyed delusions we have a very close relationship. Had she done that, though, I think the power of my denial might have stopped her from getting through, and your husband sounds if anything even more in denial.
Im by no means an expert, I’m just speaking from my own experience, but if your husband has a sensible friend who could help him snap out of it, that might work.
What helped me was being told that, if anything happened between this woman and I, it would weaken my kids’ position in this world; a house divided and all that, and that I needed to basically man up. It sounds a bit toxic masculinity, I know, but it was relevant.
In the end I did get over myself, but I can’t take to much credit as I also ended up working separately from the woman in question after a while.
I don’t know the details of your relationship, but mine with my wife was and remains very good. You’ll often get a lot of strong reactions from mumsnetters about this type of situation, and often they are appropriate, but speaking for myself I’m not the cheating type, and yet I still got these notions and pushed boundaries, I surprised myself tbh.
Anyway I hope you find a good resolution.

Wow. A sensitive and honest post that actually helps the OP. You probably just broke mumsnet! You sound ace by the way

Perfectlystill · 04/05/2022 06:51

FrancescaContini · 03/05/2022 21:50

Did he really use to go days on end without washing? 😮

I also wondered this!

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2022 07:11

Maybe someone told him he smells

KangFang · 04/05/2022 07:15

Yes, there'll be a woman at work he's after.
I would keep a close eye on him and quietly gather evidence.
Take copies of all important documents.

Babyboomtastic · 04/05/2022 07:19

Maybe he has a crush
Maybe he's just trying to make a good impression in his new job and not wanting to start off being a slob?

Does it really matter which it is though? Provided that he wouldn't actually do anything (ie cheat) then I don't see what's wrong with a bit of a work crush.

I adore my husband and would never cheat or leave him, but of course I find others attractive sometimes. I think that's pretty normal.

Amrapaali · 04/05/2022 07:33

Most definitely a crush. I'm seeing it at the moment at work. New young female employee. Nearly all the middle aged males are "orbiting" her as a PP mentioned.

It is so cringey to watch. The ear-splitting grins, seeking her out, sitting next to her, subtly trying to touch her. If your husband goes down this route, he is definitely going to make a tit of himself. And become the laughing stock of the office.

I don't know how you can bring this up with your husband though. Usually a crush burns or fizzles out eventually. But some people do develop unhealthy behaviours...

DuckDuckNo · 04/05/2022 08:33

Wow. A sensitive and honest post that actually helps the OP. You probably just broke mumsnet! You sound ace by the way

Seconded! A great post, Palmfrond.

Jobsharenightmare · 04/05/2022 09:40

Palmfrond

Great post. Have you realised now there's not really such thing as a cheating type.... imagine if your good friend hadn't said a word and this young woman had shown an interest in you back? We all need to protect the boundaries of our relationships, I completely agree. It's also refreshing to see someone honestly say there wasn't an issue in their relationship that "drove them" to look elsewhere.

Palmfrond · 04/05/2022 09:57

CounsellorTroi · 04/05/2022 06:33

This. He’s having a silly mid life crisis.

Show quote history

This sounds a bit like heads being buried in sand tbh. It happens all the time, often enough to be a cliche. And it’s also a mumsnet cliche that all middle aged partners are boring, fat and bald, and that no younger women would ever find them attractive, fat and bald or otherwise. For whatever reasons, sometimes utterly unfathomable ones, this is not the case.

Being jealous is never good, but being aware of things going on in your partner’s life (and how they might effect yours) is simply being a good partner, and is also practicing due diligence and good management.

Palmfrond · 04/05/2022 09:59

CounsellorTroi · 04/05/2022 06:33

This. He’s having a silly mid life crisis.

Show quote history

This sounds a bit like heads being buried in sand tbh. It happens all the time, often enough to be a cliche. And it’s also a mumsnet cliche that all middle aged partners are boring, fat and bald, and that no younger women would ever find them attractive, fat and bald or otherwise. For whatever reasons, sometimes utterly unfathomable ones, this is not the case.

Being jealous is never good, but being aware of things going on in your partner’s life (and how they might effect yours) is simply being a good partner, and is also practicing due diligence and good management.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/05/2022 10:02

His reaction is very suspicious

Bearsan · 04/05/2022 10:19

He's an idiot op. This happened to my friend, her h met a woman at work (10 years younger than himself and wife).
They actually went out twice but when his wife found out they said they were just friends. Friend divorced him as didn't trust him anymore, has now remarried and very happy. Her ex is living back at his mom's, the woman didn't want him full time so they split.

Palmfrond · 04/05/2022 10:22

Jobsharenightmare · 04/05/2022 09:40

Palmfrond

Great post. Have you realised now there's not really such thing as a cheating type.... imagine if your good friend hadn't said a word and this young woman had shown an interest in you back? We all need to protect the boundaries of our relationships, I completely agree. It's also refreshing to see someone honestly say there wasn't an issue in their relationship that "drove them" to look elsewhere.

Not to derail this thread, but it’s an interesting question: I personally do think there are various cheating types, ranging from people with psychopathic or narcissistic tendencies to men who were poorly socialised with women to men who just happen to be very attractive to women and learnt certain behaviours at a (sometimes very) young age, and who might otherwise be decent partners but lack the necessary psychological tools or guidance to change their behaviour.

And not to make this about myself, but while I’m not the cheating type, I am a serial monogamist, which in my past has manifested itself in pretty damaging ways where me simply cheating might have been the less hurtful option.

So really, fuck knows, just try and keep a handle on your loved ones because who knows what’s going on in their heads.

Bananarama21 · 04/05/2022 10:26

Playing devil's advocate here but if you say he didn't bathe for days could someone even the manager pulled him aside and commented on his hygiene which is why he's showering and using after shave more?

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 10:30

I think you should be far more concerned with his defensiveness & stonewalling of you than his making a prat of himself in front of some young woman.

Does he often 'send you to Coventry' like this?
When he does, does he tell you it's your fault for making him "annoyed"?

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 10:34

Wow. A sensitive and honest post that actually helps the OP. You probably just broke mumsnet! You sound ace by the way

@Thedogshouses @Palmfrond Yup! & all achieved without mansplaining ... can somebody pass the smelling salts?

Crikeyalmighty · 04/05/2022 10:45

@Palmfrond My H did exactly what you talk about in his early 40's, problem was he also sat down and wrote poems/songs about it (and recorded the songs too- he's a good musician) -- they had lots of work trips away and texted a lot too which I knew about but didn't think anything of.
Anyway I found all these songs/poems about 5 years ago and knew what they were about instantly. His rabbits in the headlights response to me was 'it was just a crush' thing is you had the total sense to realise you were potentially getting into dodgy territory, my H was stupid enough to get totally carried away and whilst I do believe there wasn't an affair as such he went right down in my eyes , having read their feelings about someone else and the 'feeling alive' and all that shit. I'm still married but don't think I will ever feel 100% the same about him , so you judged correctly--. Even a heavy handed crush and not keeping it 100% in your head has the potential to decimate relationships -

IcedPurple · 04/05/2022 10:52

MintyMoocow · 03/05/2022 20:34

On the upside, she is unlikely to fancy him back. He’s probably making a bit of a prat of himself.

Was going to say the same.

There was a thread on this about a week ago. Men in their 40s may be considered hot property by their wives, but very rarely to attractive women half their age.

Palmfrond · 04/05/2022 10:59

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 10:34

Wow. A sensitive and honest post that actually helps the OP. You probably just broke mumsnet! You sound ace by the way

@Thedogshouses @Palmfrond Yup! & all achieved without mansplaining ... can somebody pass the smelling salts?

For your mansplaining needs, please see every other post I’ve made on mumsnet.

DeskInUse · 04/05/2022 11:01

Could be a number of things, could be a crush, could be an affair or maybe someone told him he stinks and he's now making an effort, although that wouldn't explain the extra shift.

Blossomtoes · 04/05/2022 11:02

MintyMoocow · 03/05/2022 20:34

On the upside, she is unlikely to fancy him back. He’s probably making a bit of a prat of himself.

This. He’s deluded if he thinks a woman 20+ years younger who’s already senior to him is going to look at him twice.

Charley50 · 04/05/2022 11:59

Lots of women in their twenties go for men in their forties...

CloudPine · 04/05/2022 12:03

Just be grateful he's started to wash.