AIBU about my "golden handcuffs"?

[Leypt1]

I can't decide whether to leave my job which is making me miserable. It's a medium term secondment and was meant to be a really good, challenging role which played to my strengths/interests and broadened my experience. It hasn't been at all, right from the start. Sorry in advance for the very long post.

Cons/the job's negatives:

• nobody gives a toss about anything I do and there is no accountability for me or anyone else. I haven't had a 1.1 with my "manager" in maybe months and months. I occasionally drum up the energy to suggest that I do a piece of reporting or planning that needs doing and nobody will look at it for weeks, when they eventually do it will have completely lost whatever relevance it had. If I didn't do this I would have literally nothing to do except turn up to team meetings. I find this really soul destroying


• the whole project is really poorly run and has deviated massively from its original aims. maybe 40% of the original cohort have left including all admin staff and lots of the leads


• the team lead/my manager is constantly making major decisions about the project which backtrack on what's been previously agreed. There's no real system for tracking decisions or changes. If someone suggests a change or queries something her standard reply is that she's already thought of it and it doesn't need to be addressed explicitly or documented because it's "sucking eggs". A few others agree with me that this is really demoralising.


• I have some specific areas of expertise which I was hired for which haven't been called on at all. I was proactive about using this at first until I got tired of being told I was overthinking/overcomplicating etc. by people who completely lack expertise in my field, with no real support or comeback from my manager. Recently a major decision was made which would have really benefited from my insight and I wasn't even told that this was under consideration until it was already "too late" (it wasn't too late but there's no arguing).


• I've been really, seriously deskilled in my time here and now don't even feel like going back to my previous role, which was really challenging and where I did have loads of responsibility.


• I used to cry every day, which has now thankfully (mostly) been replaced by crawling into bed every day and napping for several hours

"Pros"/reasons to stay:

• I’m paid nearly double the average salary for my age and region. Hence the “golden handcuffs”. I have a new mortgage and a dog who needs a behaviourist and a bathroom with 25 year old carpet and peeling walls, and we’re trying to maintain a sinking fund and a wedding fund etc. etc.
• I earn nearly 2x what my partner does
• Nobody gives a toss what I do all day. My workload is laughably light and basically entirely self-made/suggested. Surely this is a Good Thing, so why do I find it so enervating?
• I work entirely from home so in theory can spend my time doing whatever (in practice I cry and sleep)
• I work 4 days a week due to compressed hours
• My manager in my old role is very sympathetic. However they’ve backfilled my role so I’d have to reapply via the normal routes for something else if I want to go back early. I’ve actually already been rejected from one role, which was a blow to my confidence
• I don’t know what else I could or would do that would provide us with the stable income that we need/want

Am I being unreasonable to be so unhappy? Should I just suck it up and let the months play out?

I have identified another career path which I’d love to explore more - I’ve taken up a part time role on my day off which I’ve been doing for six months, and I’m doing a course with an accredited track at a respected college to try and build my skills a bit more. I dream of just being able to hand in my notice and focus on this.

However it’s definitely not well-paid - minimum wage for several years if I go down the route of becoming an employee for a business. We'd struggle to pay our bills. There’s also the route of freelancing, or opening my own business in this area, either bricks and mortar or something online, but this obviously carries massive risk despite being my preferred option.

AIBU? What should I do?

You are not being unreasonable to be unhappy.

Would you be willing to train up in something new / something to help double your salary in what you currently do.

Does everyone else have 1:1s?

Better the devil you know.

Why not train for something new whilst they are paying you? It's their fault if they are not managing you or giving you tasks.

Husband had a job like that for a year. He spent most of his time on DIY, and also did some training courses relevant to his job. Was lovely.
he’s in a new job now with actual enjoyable work to do, but I miss having all the jobs round the house done quickly.

Thank you. I am currently doing a bit of training/development in something which I'm passionate about, but it would halve rather than double my salary. One of my friends has just retrained in/been offered a job in software development and I'm going to ask her about the process as it would be good to have something where I could work for 2-3 days per week at my current salary.

Not sure on 1.1s, the team is structured so that everyone has different managers. I think they do though. I genuinely don't know what we'd talk about if we had them.

Ha, we actually have loads of DIY to do but I mostly feel too drained to do it. Managed to paint the stairs on my first day back from leave, that's me done until the next holiday 😂

In all seriously I would like to have more energy to use my time in this job to do things which are meaningful to me. I'm in a bit of a vicious cycle where I feel too drained to clean/cook which means I eat toast off dirty plates on the days when DP goes to the office. Need more vitamins!

It's debilitating to work in a role you are disengaged from (their fault). Can you mentally detach a bit and use the spare time to further your personal development.

Do you wfh?

So how much work do you actually do each day? Like how many hours are you needed to fulfill the current duties, no matter how small they are?

Could you make your own routine where you are at your desk, say, 9-1 and then set yourself a goal for the afternoon like getting a fit job started or doing some work for your course? You could still be working from their perspective and have your phone with you should anyone need you. I am not suggesting you tell your work about this.

I've been in a similar position when my work was really quiet for a bit and I definitely wasted my time telling myself I was "working" when actually I could have done the work and then used the time to actually improve my life with something rather than scrolling my phone....

There's a whole movement called "overemployment" (I think) where people take on these kinds of roles and stack them up so they work 2 or 3 jobs none of which are particularly demanding and take home 3 salaries! You mentioned software development and my understanding is that most of the "over employment" happens in these jobs.

fit should be DIY 🙄

Stick it out a v release yourself from the guilt of doing sweet F-A because the organization doesn’t have its stuff together. Take up running, do crafting, go out for lunch etc. I work in a job with very low expectations of productivity. I knit a lot of sweaters. I do like my job though and the people I work with though.

Agree with the suggestion upthread to have set hours at your desk. If you logged on, then went for a walk for 30mins at the start of the day, then set yourself 2 non work tasks to get done - a batch of laundry, make a lasagne for later etc. Bit of work before lunch. Watch a box set while you have lunch. Few more emails. Then a craft or similar in the afternoon then another walk before a final email check/report prepped etc then log off.

YANBU to be miserable. Life is too short to not follow your dreams.
Talk with your partner, you’d need their support to hand your notice in and go down a different minimum wage career path.
No one on MN can solve this decision for you as it shouldn’t be unilateral but a joint one with your partner.

Start running at lunchtime
Establish a connection with your manager's manager. Make constructive observations.

I can assure you being paid less than you need for a job that takes twice what it pays is a worse situation to be in.

Do you like the job you'd be going back to? And when would that be? If this was your permanent job I'd definitely say leave, but if you've got a good job to go back to when the secondment ends then I think that's a lot to give up and I'd be more inclined to suggest you grit your teeth and find ways to make sticking it out manageable.

I dream of a job like this. Learn a language, do the diy, do some batch cooking

What is it thats leaving you drained? Send the odd email and set out what was agreed/discussed at the meeting so it looks like you're invested and paying attention, do the odd bit of work to keep abreast of things but other than that, take full advantage.

Life is too short to want to do more than you need to in a job. I dont get time to go to toilet at work sometimes, you really dont want a job like that believe me.

Thanks everyone for your replies. For me the main theme coming out is that I should feel liberated by my underemployment and take back control of my time. This is really helpful, so thank you!

My next steps:
-Be more disciplined about scheduling my days by the hour instead of whiling away lots of time feeling sad or bored
-Ramp up my part time work in my "passion" job, including looking into doing some online freelance stuff. Get my personal laptop fixed so that I can actually do this during work hours without committing fraud 😂
-Do more meal prep for the week so that I have something nutritious to eat during the day when I have minimal energy and nobody to look after me
-Train my mad dog in canicross and run in the afternoons
-Speak to my pal about how she retrained in software development.
-Read more about the overemployment movement, including seeking out some UK-specific advice. Mull over the possibility of getting two jobs in tech, with the extra salary going towards early retirement (a longer-term solution obviously)

Being underbusy at work really is a real problem that can easily lead to feeling low and depressed (and if you're tearful daily, OP, it does sound like you might be depressed), at least for certain personality types. I've been underbusy and overbusy at work and although neither is ideal my mental health is actually much better when I have too much to do than too little

Are you doing a public sector secondment from a private consulting/outsourcing company? I’ve done a few of these roles and they’re always incredibly tedious. I try to use them to learn new skills and pay the bills whilst I do something more interesting/less well paid on the side. I try to keep my roles to .6- .8 and then develop other work on the side

Can you not find something to do with your time at work? Personally I would stay, do what I need to do to stay employed and use the rest of the time doing something for myself, whilst maintaining the illusion im
busy. Eg write a book/catch up
on reading/play the stock market. Anything you can to keep occupied.
the grass is always greener etc. plus the money ….

Life is too short to cry about work. Find a middle ground without being as drastic as being self-employed. If your not careful you'll de-skill yourself in this role.

I actually understand this. I had a job where I had nothing to do and I hated it (even though I could have got away with doing other stuff). Now I'm fully employed during work hours and much prefer it. It is soul destroying not contributing anything. I would write your own set of objectives but keep them vaguely work related e.g. build relationships, read up on something, do some partly relevant training. You might be surprised that if you take the initiative it might lead places.

Op, you need an attitude adjustment.

When I think of all the jobs I've been in where I've been bled dry and turned into a desicated husk - and I'm sure you'll find yourself in a situation like that at some point.

Take the money. Kick back and enjoy the easy gig. Plan a nice long holiday for yourself. Whatever it takes.

Are there any courses you can do via work? We have a huge selection most not relevant to day job inc wellness, IT. If you had time you could book on lots.
Can you volunteer for extras first aider, any committees etc - takes up time, looks good in cv.
Does work have any schemes where you can volunteer some allow so many days a year spent on volunteer work.