AIBU about my "golden handcuffs"?

[Leypt1]

I can't decide whether to leave my job which is making me miserable. It's a medium term secondment and was meant to be a really good, challenging role which played to my strengths/interests and broadened my experience. It hasn't been at all, right from the start. Sorry in advance for the very long post.

Cons/the job's negatives:

• nobody gives a toss about anything I do and there is no accountability for me or anyone else. I haven't had a 1.1 with my "manager" in maybe months and months. I occasionally drum up the energy to suggest that I do a piece of reporting or planning that needs doing and nobody will look at it for weeks, when they eventually do it will have completely lost whatever relevance it had. If I didn't do this I would have literally nothing to do except turn up to team meetings. I find this really soul destroying


• the whole project is really poorly run and has deviated massively from its original aims. maybe 40% of the original cohort have left including all admin staff and lots of the leads


• the team lead/my manager is constantly making major decisions about the project which backtrack on what's been previously agreed. There's no real system for tracking decisions or changes. If someone suggests a change or queries something her standard reply is that she's already thought of it and it doesn't need to be addressed explicitly or documented because it's "sucking eggs". A few others agree with me that this is really demoralising.


• I have some specific areas of expertise which I was hired for which haven't been called on at all. I was proactive about using this at first until I got tired of being told I was overthinking/overcomplicating etc. by people who completely lack expertise in my field, with no real support or comeback from my manager. Recently a major decision was made which would have really benefited from my insight and I wasn't even told that this was under consideration until it was already "too late" (it wasn't too late but there's no arguing).


• I've been really, seriously deskilled in my time here and now don't even feel like going back to my previous role, which was really challenging and where I did have loads of responsibility.


• I used to cry every day, which has now thankfully (mostly) been replaced by crawling into bed every day and napping for several hours

"Pros"/reasons to stay:

• I’m paid nearly double the average salary for my age and region. Hence the “golden handcuffs”. I have a new mortgage and a dog who needs a behaviourist and a bathroom with 25 year old carpet and peeling walls, and we’re trying to maintain a sinking fund and a wedding fund etc. etc.
• I earn nearly 2x what my partner does
• Nobody gives a toss what I do all day. My workload is laughably light and basically entirely self-made/suggested. Surely this is a Good Thing, so why do I find it so enervating?
• I work entirely from home so in theory can spend my time doing whatever (in practice I cry and sleep)
• I work 4 days a week due to compressed hours
• My manager in my old role is very sympathetic. However they’ve backfilled my role so I’d have to reapply via the normal routes for something else if I want to go back early. I’ve actually already been rejected from one role, which was a blow to my confidence
• I don’t know what else I could or would do that would provide us with the stable income that we need/want

Am I being unreasonable to be so unhappy? Should I just suck it up and let the months play out?

I have identified another career path which I’d love to explore more - I’ve taken up a part time role on my day off which I’ve been doing for six months, and I’m doing a course with an accredited track at a respected college to try and build my skills a bit more. I dream of just being able to hand in my notice and focus on this.

However it’s definitely not well-paid - minimum wage for several years if I go down the route of becoming an employee for a business. We'd struggle to pay our bills. There’s also the route of freelancing, or opening my own business in this area, either bricks and mortar or something online, but this obviously carries massive risk despite being my preferred option.

AIBU? What should I do?

Im 51. I spent a year retraining while working. I've just got a job that uses my old skills and new skills. I'll be taking home 30% more than I've ever managed before. If I can stick it for a year I'll be earning more again. I can then look for a D-Suite position after 12 months.

Are you ambitious? Cos if you are then I'd be going all out with the qualifications right now. And a word to the wize being underpaid is just really demoralizing. So retrain in something with prospects.

Do you work in the same place as me? I've just put a post up similar ie job hating due to incompetence of others, because let's face it that's what it is. Life is too short is my advice, you know what you need to do. For once I'm taking the advice I'm dishing out - you owe them nothing.

I agree.

The longer you stay, the harder it will be to find something else, as you will continue to deskill. You will end up unemployable outside of where you currently are (I've seen this happen to people where I work and they are utterly miserable).

Right now, you have choices - in 3 years time you might not. So I'd get job hunting ASAP, and work on structuring my days in the meantime.

I understand your perspectives and frustrations op, but when theirs bills to be paid, then more money the better ?

I felt like this when I WfH for the civil service. Constant guilt about getting paid well by the state to do basically fuck all. Which led onto anxiety and depression. I'd get out if I were you.

Use the paid time to access as much training as possible. You don't want to enthuse about a new job and the one before, then mumble about not doing much, really for the one you're currently being paid shitloads for.

Work efficiently. Crack on first thing in the morning, then get yourself out into daylight and doing something more healthy and fun. Develop a monitoring scheme and use it to record the shit decisions. Not to get anybody into the shit but because it's a useful thing to have done from scratch.

Go shopping for fresh food at lunchtime. You'll start feeling better just by looking at fruit and veg rather than sad toast. After all, they're paying you enough to eat whatever the hell you like rather than a cheap snack.

The other reason to do this is because when you go to another place, it'll be harder to go back to having to put effort in and not slope off because nobody notices or cares.

Do the thing that makes you happiest.

And a word to the wize being underpaid is just really demoralizing. So retrain in something with prospects.

this op. Fill your days with other things that fulfil you.

I get why people are saying make the most of it and it dies sound ideal. However, I experienced almost identical in one of my secondments. Incompetent staff, no one to report to, very very little to do, so much down time, not young my specialty etc etc while it was fun for a time because I enjoyed walking my dog and doing DIY after a while u became so de skilled, guilty, anxious, lazy and unmotivated. I did struggle to get other roles as I just felt so out of touch. My normal role is the opposite and like I'm like a work horse trying to fit too much into the week. However it keeps your brain active and engaged. Id leave op.

Not using my specialty even

Wow your manager is treating you appallingly. You actually have a legal right to be given work, I know doing nothing maybsound great to some but it’s soul-destroying and deskilling and you have a legal right not to have that done to you.

I would speak to an employment lawyer and be tempted to put in a formal complaint. If you end up having to leave because they’re not giving you anything to do, you may have a right to a redundancy payment.

I'd be looking to leave, whether that is quickly or retraining first with your course and then going.
I've been in a similar type of role and it drained me so much and made me very depressed having no purpose at work.

Bloody hell, you sound totally depressed! My dh was in a similar situation, didn't have enough work to do, paid double what I earned and hated the lack of work. He left, more than halving his salary and really loved what he did (for some years). Financially, we were far worse off but he was lots happier. Its a big dilemma.

Sounds amazing.

I am in almost the same position, only without the doubled salary. Oh and my manager is lovely. I have said that if I knew the HR system better, they would only need one manager as there is fuck all to do all day. I've taken on a massive project but because I've set myself it, there's no timescale or deadline. I just CBA to do it but I know that's cause I'm unmotivated and I need deadlines. Ones I set for myself don't mean anything.

I'm applying for other things but part of me doesn't want to leave as I have issues sleeping at the moment so this job is good in that I can go off for a nap, but at the same time the longer I have no work, the harder it will be to do a job where I have to work. I'm already starting to doubt my ability with the jobs I apply for, even though I know I am more than capable of doing them . I just worry that I am so lazy/complacent now that I won't be able to cope in a "real" job. That's partly while I'm looking only a few months in. My secondment is 2 years long, I'm roughly 6 months in. If I wait till nearer the end then I think I'll be screwed.

There's been some great suggestions on here and I'll definitely look into them more when I'm back at work.

Good luck and hopefully we'll both sort ourselves out soon!

Double job it! They are paying you lots of money and not expecting you to do almost anything...from home? SWEET! Take the money and spend your time on starting your own business, freelancing, clickworking, whatever the feck you want.

You are in such a lucky position...time to recognise that. You're getting paid loads to have so much time on your hands to do whatever you want.

My concern is if you deskill in this job and then struggle to get a new one in future. A period in a well paid quiet job where you have time for training, hobbies, DIY, life admin can be great- but you don't want to damage your long term career prospects.

If you are deskilling I would think honestly about your future career. If you want to stay in same industry, I'd keep applying for new jobs. If you want to switch I'd think realistically about your salary- being paid half as much is ok if you can halve your outgoings, but very very stressful if not.

Can you say what the job you are thinking of retraining in is? If it involves freelance work initially is there any scope for starting this part time whilst in your current role?

Whilst planning for the future I'd enjoy the free time though! I had a temporary quiet office job once and it was more difficult as in office with manager hovering. At home I'd set up a daily schedule for yourself with periods of work/ checking in with work, and your own tasks to do at other times. E.g. DIY, programming course, exercise. See that it won't be forever and try to enjoy it.

Also try not to get used to the higher salary - invest it/ save it/ pay off debts. Don't let your weekly spending creep up as then you will feel stuck there.

I have also been in the situation where there was no work but I wasn't WFH. It is utterly demoralising and depressing. I would keep on with your retraining and part time role. Keep your eye open for opportunities and start looking for other work. Something will come up. I wouldn't stay in this job a minute longer than I had to, but get something viable lined up first.

Your dog needs a behaviourist. FGS don't take a lower paid job where you may have to work 4 days a week or the dog's therapy will suffer...

Im really happy to see this - same situation and Im falling so far behind my peers and am so angry and grumpy I absolutely hate myself most of the time. I recognise there are some benefits especially as I have to manage an ongoing health condition, but the mental strain is now impacting the health condition (and likely exacerbated it in the first place a few years ago). I no longer have any motivation to suggest or execute anything because either it is not listened to, they say sounds great! and when I put a project plan together its shelved, or I am assigned projects that are then reassigned to other people. Project timelines and expectations are very long and very low compared to private sector and when Ive delivered big complex projects there is no bonus or any sort of additional benefit. So I take it in time instead.

You sound like you aren't totally in the depths like I am at the moment and that is good! You have a good list of things to start working on outside "desk hours". Keep the brain engaged and keep learning - Ive just recommitted myself to learning a coding language, rummaging up some freelance writing (what has helped me find that spark again), and looking to build my own business. I do some small crafts on the side too because creativity make me happy as well.

Workwise - keep a list handy of potential project "ideas" you can toss out there once in a while like grenades even though you know they won't be picked up - it makes you look engaged somewhat.

OP, this sounds so like the position I was in. I was 10 years from retirement so I gritted my teeth, took the money and went with the flow.

Had I been younger though, with working decades ahead of me, I would have had to get out. It would have been soul destroying and very insecure in the long run. You are in danger of losing your skills and motivation and becoming unemployable elsewhere. What would happen a few years down the line with a reorganisation/ takeover etc and if you were made redundant?

I would recommend short term pain for long term gain. Get careers advice about jobs with a long term future in areas in which you are interested. House renovations and even weddings can be scaled back, but your future working life and self respect are priceless.

I went down this route after a protracted spell of underemployment, wfh was not an option so I sat at my desk much of the day. I was allowed to bring in a book!

It took several years of informal and formal complaints before I was made redundant into early retirement. I couldn’t have afforded to leave earlier and by the end I had had time off sick and was paying for private psychotherapy to keep me going. It’s not legal and it’s a cruel way to treat staff.

I’m glad I stuck it out and didn’t compromise my financial security. If it’s one more year and the job you enjoy will be waiting for you, I’d hang in there. Make sure you challenge yourself outside the workplace, to compensate.

I had a job like that once, where I basically just had to sit and wait until someone contacted me to give me a task to do. I wrote a book on the side. Didn't publish it or anything, but it was fun to do. Since you are not really using your downtime to do anything productive, I would just look for a different job. There is no point in having the job if it makes you cry.

So what exactly is your AIBU?
The logical solution would be to find another job.
If your current career is badly paid you’re in the perfect position of being paid to learn something new!

I don’t see what your issue is quite frankly.

‘What’ new job to pursue would be a different question altogether. We can’t really advice without knowing exactly what your potential ‘new career’ is.

Either way YABU to leave a job where you have both lots of money and free time for ??? It’s much worse being underpaid. Worse still underpaid and overworked.

Also to add… I speak from experience being in a similar job. I took courses and managed to get into something nether.
It was a lot harder pursuing further study, skill building etc alongside a full-on, full time job