AIBU about my "golden handcuffs"?

[Leypt1]

I can't decide whether to leave my job which is making me miserable. It's a medium term secondment and was meant to be a really good, challenging role which played to my strengths/interests and broadened my experience. It hasn't been at all, right from the start. Sorry in advance for the very long post.

Cons/the job's negatives:

• nobody gives a toss about anything I do and there is no accountability for me or anyone else. I haven't had a 1.1 with my "manager" in maybe months and months. I occasionally drum up the energy to suggest that I do a piece of reporting or planning that needs doing and nobody will look at it for weeks, when they eventually do it will have completely lost whatever relevance it had. If I didn't do this I would have literally nothing to do except turn up to team meetings. I find this really soul destroying


• the whole project is really poorly run and has deviated massively from its original aims. maybe 40% of the original cohort have left including all admin staff and lots of the leads


• the team lead/my manager is constantly making major decisions about the project which backtrack on what's been previously agreed. There's no real system for tracking decisions or changes. If someone suggests a change or queries something her standard reply is that she's already thought of it and it doesn't need to be addressed explicitly or documented because it's "sucking eggs". A few others agree with me that this is really demoralising.


• I have some specific areas of expertise which I was hired for which haven't been called on at all. I was proactive about using this at first until I got tired of being told I was overthinking/overcomplicating etc. by people who completely lack expertise in my field, with no real support or comeback from my manager. Recently a major decision was made which would have really benefited from my insight and I wasn't even told that this was under consideration until it was already "too late" (it wasn't too late but there's no arguing).


• I've been really, seriously deskilled in my time here and now don't even feel like going back to my previous role, which was really challenging and where I did have loads of responsibility.


• I used to cry every day, which has now thankfully (mostly) been replaced by crawling into bed every day and napping for several hours

"Pros"/reasons to stay:

• I’m paid nearly double the average salary for my age and region. Hence the “golden handcuffs”. I have a new mortgage and a dog who needs a behaviourist and a bathroom with 25 year old carpet and peeling walls, and we’re trying to maintain a sinking fund and a wedding fund etc. etc.
• I earn nearly 2x what my partner does
• Nobody gives a toss what I do all day. My workload is laughably light and basically entirely self-made/suggested. Surely this is a Good Thing, so why do I find it so enervating?
• I work entirely from home so in theory can spend my time doing whatever (in practice I cry and sleep)
• I work 4 days a week due to compressed hours
• My manager in my old role is very sympathetic. However they’ve backfilled my role so I’d have to reapply via the normal routes for something else if I want to go back early. I’ve actually already been rejected from one role, which was a blow to my confidence
• I don’t know what else I could or would do that would provide us with the stable income that we need/want

Am I being unreasonable to be so unhappy? Should I just suck it up and let the months play out?

I have identified another career path which I’d love to explore more - I’ve taken up a part time role on my day off which I’ve been doing for six months, and I’m doing a course with an accredited track at a respected college to try and build my skills a bit more. I dream of just being able to hand in my notice and focus on this.

However it’s definitely not well-paid - minimum wage for several years if I go down the route of becoming an employee for a business. We'd struggle to pay our bills. There’s also the route of freelancing, or opening my own business in this area, either bricks and mortar or something online, but this obviously carries massive risk despite being my preferred option.

AIBU? What should I do?

Goodness, I feel your pain. I am in exactly this position - new role started late last year, completely oversold and it is soul destroying. There are a number of people in my dept in the same position who are either:

• enjoying the free ride
• doing a side hustle
• looking to get out asap

Quite how this level of productivity can be justified at a business level is beyond me! Anyway, I started looking as soon as I realised how bad it was. It is really a personal decision - I have a really strong work ethic and I just am not capable of essentially free loading until I retire. There is also the rather large risk (as said by PPs) of not only deskilling but also losing confidence the more this goes on. This will be issues down the line if you need to find another job. I'm lucky, as I have really strong skills/experience from my last role, which I was in for a long time, so I put all efforts into job hunting and have a new role starting this summer, which is much more aligned (I grilled them at interview. Didn't want to make the same mistake twice!).

On a practical level, if you are looking at tech skills, Salesforce do great and free online courses at trailhead.salesforce.com/ - you'd still have to pay for certification if you get to that point, but you can the courses in bite size chunks and they are really valuable - demand for Salesforce skills are though the roof @the mo.

Best of luck

It's very hard to do nothing and can make some personality types depressed, so that's normal.
Regarding your training; it is irresponsible to downgrade to poorly paid work unless your partner agrees or you have bulky savings. I've seen a few people try it over the years and they've each regretted it down the line when they needed money more than a warm fuzzy feeling at work.
Regarding IT jobs, you'll need training and experience; worth trying and you can use downtime at work to do the training in your personal laptop. Use what you've learned to write software to do certain tasks on the project, then it's legitimate work experience.
Once you're trained in IT, or have just picked another suitable career path, apply for jobs and move. You would not then be able to have two jobs, you'll be kept more than busy with one, that thought is just a bit of madness kicking in from your current under-work.
While you're at home, a plan for the day is important, so that you keep on top of your role plus the extra training. Take a walk or a run in the morning for fresh air and also go out for lunch. Getting away from the desk will make you feel refreshed.

Some people need to feel valued in their work. If you're one of those you won't be content even if you follow some of the good advise in this thread. The times I've felt like this I've been working out my longish notice, or at the start of a new job, so not so bad but I do know what you mean.

I suspect it's public sector, from the secondment structure. If so even if you've been backfilled you would have the right to go back. But that could cause a chain of problems for others.

I would suggest short term changes to keep yourself interested every day (for example some online on demand training - there are loads of good courses) whilst exploring a better solution, for example a role outside the organisation.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'll try and find time to respond later today as first I'm going to crack on with my one piece of work 😂

Just another quick thought - is there a possibility that those running the project will change? I've seen a similar situation and as secondments ran out / people left others came in and the projects are much more effective now.

The most obvious thing seems to be to make an appointment with the project lead to discuss the situation.