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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell family the babies sex

60 replies

Crumpetloveliness · 02/05/2022 18:34

I do feel a bit bad about this and ultimately it’s not like they won’t find out when baby is here. However, I’ve not told my family the sex of baby but DHs family know (different country so no chance of speaking) and our close friends.

It’s exactly what my DM wants and she’ll crow about it (she informed both of my siblings I was pregnant despite me asking her not to so I could tell them) and buy a whole load of colour associated crap for baby.

I do realise writing that out it seems petulant, so I probably am unreasonable here. My DH doesn’t get it and thinks I’m being mean when it would make her happy. Would or has anyone else done this?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/05/2022 18:38

Your choice, your family. She’ll probably just buy coloured crap when the baby arrives: are you going to put in boundaries? You sound like you really dislike her. No judgement, I can’t bear mine either!

FourTeaFallOut · 02/05/2022 18:41

I think it's petty and mean spirited. God forbid your mum be excited about the arrival of a grandchild and shower them with some clothing which you aren't fussy on. Jesus, give her a little leeway.

Everyoneishappier · 02/05/2022 18:43

Yep agree that it's just mean spirited and a bit precious.

Organictangerine · 02/05/2022 18:44

Mean spirited and precious. Not telling her because she will be pleased and buy the baby things, I mean 🙄

Babymamamama · 02/05/2022 18:45

Seems a bit controlling. Sorry!

toastofthetown · 02/05/2022 18:45

If I'm reading it right that you think she'll be unbearable because the baby's sex is what she wants, then I'd rather deal with that when I was pregnant than when I had a newborn. Does she know that you know? Because I've found when people say 'oh we know, but we're not telling anyone else' quite tiresome in general.

WestendVBroadway · 02/05/2022 18:46

FourTeaFallOut · 02/05/2022 18:41

I think it's petty and mean spirited. God forbid your mum be excited about the arrival of a grandchild and shower them with some clothing which you aren't fussy on. Jesus, give her a little leeway.

We didn't tell anyone the sex of the baby we were expecting. Well we couldn't really as we didn't actually know ourselves until the birth. I am pretty sure my mother was still excited about the arrival of a grandchild.

moiraandthebebe · 02/05/2022 18:46

I'd tell her but set clear and firm boundaries that you don't want coloured things if that's what you want.

DockOTheBay · 02/05/2022 18:46

Very hurtful to your mum if she finds out that everyone else knows.
And really your just kicking the can down the road and she will buy pink crap when the baby is born instead.
Could you tell her on the proviso that she is NOT to buy anything until the baby arrives?

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 02/05/2022 18:47

mean spirited and precious is it fuck.

If you have the baby and then refuse to tell them the sex then I'd agree but you are pregnant, if it is only from scans it maybe wrong but more than that the baby is still part of you. Just say you don't know.

DockOTheBay · 02/05/2022 18:48

Because I've found when people say 'oh we know, but we're not telling anyone else' quite tiresome in general
Yeah I think so too. I had a friend who found out and didn't tell anyone but also constantly asked people to guess what they thought it would be

WhackingPhoenix · 02/05/2022 18:50

I think if you want to keep it secret then you keep it secret; you don’t tell DH’s family and your friends but not your family.

MIL will only buy the same things a few months down the line.

WhackingPhoenix · 02/05/2022 18:51

*DM sorry, not MIL

Original poster
Crumpetloveliness · 02/05/2022 18:51

She’s excited by the prospect of a baby in any case, which I get completely. I think it’s more she always ignores what I ask of her and does what she wants anyway, in general not only about this. So controlling and precious I’ll take on the chin!

I don’t appreciate being her gossip to the wider family and whilst PP have said it is kicking the can down the road somewhat, but at least it will avoid the duration I’m subject to it 😅

OP posts:
Notreallyhappy · 02/05/2022 18:54

Don't tell them.if you don't want to...this wasn't an option when I had mine, tell them.to buy white lemon or green.

BattenburgDonkey · 02/05/2022 18:55

It’s very petty and mean really, not telling people generally would be fine, but telling friends and your family, and refusing to tell your DHs family, particularly when he doesn’t agree with you is just crappy really. It’s normal to feel possessive over your baby when pregnant and want to keep control, but doing it by singling out half the family is not the way I’d do it.

User48751490 · 02/05/2022 18:55

Let her buy some pink items and get it out her system.

pedropony76 · 02/05/2022 18:56

I did the same.

First time I got pregnant, my mum was the first one I told and told her the sex straight away. She couldn’t keep the excitement to herself and told people (not that I minded).

Second time round I told a few people before I made it round to her and asked her to keep the pregnancy quiet. She ended up telling 3 different people (one of them even went to tell someone else!) so I didn’t tell her or anyone else the sex. DP’s family knew but I kept it quiet on my side just so she couldn’t ruin the news. It accidentally slipped out when I was like 6 months pregnant anyway🙃

If you want to keep it quiet then keep it quiet. I don’t think it’s mean spirited at all. Sometimes you just want to be the one to share your news instead of your mum doing it for you!

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 02/05/2022 18:57

Surely she’ll just buy pink crap or blue crap once baby is here if she’s that way inclined

Original poster
Crumpetloveliness · 02/05/2022 18:58

There is no way she will find out other people know thankfully, the two families and friends are in different countries. I’ve just told them we don’t know so it will be a surprise, don’t think she believes me though as she’s asks every bloody time I speak to her. Don’t get me wrong of course I love her I’m now very wary of what I say.

OP posts:
HTH1 · 02/05/2022 18:59

Just tell her, lots of others know and I don’t see what benefit you would get from withholding the information. You might even get some nice gifts from your excited DM, tell her what you want so everyone’s happy!

ouch321 · 02/05/2022 18:59

You sound very childish.

ImInStealthMode · 02/05/2022 19:02

I sort of get where you're coming from OP.

My Mum has no qualms about telling everyone everything about my life (from wider family to people on their local pub) and I hate it. After many, many times of asking her to keep my business to herself, I now just don't tell her things.

In your circumstance though I'd not have told anyone, not just excluded her.

loves2plan · 02/05/2022 19:03

I sympathise with you, OP. I am pregnant currently and have a similar relationship with DM, she does my head in talking about baby. As it happens we aren't finding out the gender until they're born but if we were doing I don't think I'd tell her. Having said that, I don't think we'd tell anyone. It does seem a bit mean that she's not in on the secret when I'm sure she only means well

HeckyPeck · 02/05/2022 19:03

It's her own fault you're not telling her because she wouldn't even let you tell your siblings you were pregnant yourself.

If she was someone who respected your wishes, maybe you'd want to share news with her.

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