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AIBU?

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Original poster

Whose night is it tonight?

91 replies

Allthepettythings · 01/05/2022 19:24

Dp & I take it in turns to do DD’s, 3, bedtime each night. She’s often hard to get to sleep and we generally end up falling asleep next to her.
I did Wednesday and Dp did Thursday, we always alternate.
My parents had been staying with us for a visit and Friday was their last night, so I asked Dp if he could do it so I could spend the last night with them, just watching tv/chatting etc.
Because he did Friday night, I did last night.
Tonight he asks me who’s doing bedtime, but in a not nice way. I said he was as we swapped nights and he did Friday instead of Saturday, he went nuts and shouted that he’d done two nights in a row and it doesn’t work like that!
Bearing in mind I’ve swapped nights with him before if he wanted to go out or see a friend etc.
Ive ended up taking her up, but am lay here thinking how incredibly petty and mean he is. Dd is v difficult at the moment and I never get a break. Also he slept for 3 hours this afternoon.
Who’s in the right here? And does anyone else have a twatty partner/husband like this?

OP posts:
TheChurchOfEli · 01/05/2022 19:54

Your night. Two nights in a row so now it’s your turn. Back to the same routine. Throwing the 3 hours nap in is a bit off as you got time on Friday to watch tv and presumably his nap was discussed at some point and you said it was fine? You need to communicate better, point scoring is not the one.

BritWifeInUSA · 01/05/2022 19:54

He shouted that he doesn’t want to do your child’s bedtime? I hope the child didn’t hear that. In fact I hope the child didn’t hear that you were arguing over it.

GiltEdges · 01/05/2022 19:55

He's right, it's your turn tonight, both because that's a return to the original schedule and to make it fair that he did two nights in a row Thursday/Friday so you should do the same.

User48751490 · 01/05/2022 19:55

We have two young children so DH does bedtime with one, I do bedtime with the other - no one gets a break and there's nothing to argue about 😂

Seriously you don't know how good you have it. Take another night so it's even Stevens.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2022 19:57

Ive ended up taking her up, but am lay here thinking how incredibly petty and mean he is

He's not the only one being petty! He did two nights in a row to help you out, so it's absolutely right that you should now do two nights in a row.

But putting your DD to bed shouldn't cause all this angst to begin with - why is it causing so many arguments?

Time2ChangeName · 01/05/2022 19:57

When parents end up laying down with their child to get them to sleep as long as everyone is happy to do it, crack on. It sounds like here you wish that bedtime was easier and you didn’t have to lay down every night to get your DC to sleep so do some research into bedtime routines and put the work in to get what you appear to want rather than bickering over whose night it is.

Topgub · 01/05/2022 19:57

how come he got a 3 hour nap?

Did you?

Technically it is your turn but I'd be sorting out her bed time so its not such a hassle

Rewis · 01/05/2022 19:58

Your turn. But his reaction seems over the top. And this whole thing is ridiculous and it really is not a functional way of handling family life.

NewbieDivergent · 01/05/2022 19:58

You should do tonight according to schedule,but he was out of order shouting and not taking your turn as he had a 3 hour nap!.

Maydaysoonenough · 01/05/2022 20:00

Imo having a dc who rules the roost causes resentment.. You both must dread bedtime. Can you talk about the current routine here?

Floofyfoofy · 01/05/2022 20:00

So much drama! Whoever’s ‘turn’ it should be there no need for him to shout at you.

3 hour afternoon nap? Does he work nights?

I get the bedtime pain, my 4 yo is a nightmare every night, routine regardless - she just hates going to bed and all of those being snotty about that are clearly much better parents than us 😂

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/05/2022 20:02

You should definitely be doing it, but there is no call for him to be arsey about it.

MarinoRoyale · 01/05/2022 20:06

He did two in a row, you should then do two in a row. But I’d hate to be in a relationship where stuff like this causes an argument, it’s really petty to keep track of who does what in such a rigid way.

Aria2015 · 01/05/2022 20:12

I'd say it was just a swap and it's his turn but, it is all very petty. I think partners should do the person they're meant to be in love with a nice turn now and again without them being owed something in return or being in 'debt' to them. So I actually think he should have done bedtime to let you have that extra time with your parents because it's the nice thing to do and he loves you and then just resumed usual arrangements thereafter. Usually keeping score like this is because of resentments that are bubbling under the surface. Resentments are toxic in a partnership.

EmpressSuiko · 01/05/2022 20:16

This is a very silly thing to argue about and you are luckier than I ever was, I did it every night with two, I don’t understand why he couldn’t allow you to have some extra time with family, surely you could just do the same amount of nights he has done to make it up?

Sewannoying · 01/05/2022 20:17

mrsm43s · 01/05/2022 19:53

It's your night, so you should do it.

You arranged a swap (so Friday for Saturday), not for him to do more and you to do less.

If you wanted him to do extra turns and you to do less, then that is what you should have asked for. What a shame you both see putting your daughter to bed as a chore:(

Doing bedtime is a chore. Very few people think, yay, instead of reading/watching to/browsing mumsnet, I get to corral a child into brushing their teeth, having a bath, getting into pjs, staying still while we read a story and then staying in bed. Following which you are probably too tired to do anything else.

I agree with pp that is is your turn. DH and I alternate, and if one of us does two nights in a row for whatever reason, the other will too.

FairyCakeWings · 01/05/2022 20:19

It’s your turn tonight

BeautifulDragon · 01/05/2022 20:21

I couldn't be doing with all this turn taking bollox.

Seems like you need to sleep train your DD, as you obviously both hate your current situation.

Everydayisabadhairday · 01/05/2022 20:23

Your turn tonight. Why should he do 3 nights in a row?

Shoxfordian · 01/05/2022 20:28

Whatever you’re doing now isn’t working as you’re both trying to avoid putting your dd to bed

BestDove · 01/05/2022 20:36

It's your turn. It's bizarre though that this small situation is a battleground for the two of you!!

Try doing solo bedtime with 2 little ones night after night 🤦🏼‍♀️

TimeForTeaAndG · 01/05/2022 20:36

I think the problem with strict splits like you are doing is that it does lead to one or both partner feeling aggrieved because they have done "more".

DH works shifts so some weeks I would put DD to bed more often and then he'd do the nights he could when he was home. If I had something on he would do bedtime, if he had something I did it. It has to be a partnership and there has to be give and take.

Saying that, there's no excuse for him to get annoyed. If he wanted you to do bedtime then he should have said ok it's your turn tonight rather than ask a question and dislike the 50/50 answer you choose.

CorsicaDreaming · 01/05/2022 20:38

I remember bedtimes being like you describe- our DS was very tricky to settle and never slept!

It's very easy to fall out with each other over it.

It's exhausting and relentless

My theory at the time was that you get angry with each other because you cannot get angry at your child for just being a child, but you have lost a lot of freedom, sleep and time. Your old life. And it's a big adjustment.

MintyGreenDream · 01/05/2022 20:41

You shouldn't have to lie with a child every night and miss your evening.Poorly or scared fair enough but not as an every day thing.Weve always done kiss cuddle goodnight and leave.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 01/05/2022 20:50

It’s definitely your turn, but it’s sad that you are both desperate to avoid your child