To buy a home with DH before we divorce?

[SimilarSituationsDifferentCountries]

NC for this as it's all very outing.

This is very similar to another thread on here but I am a different person, promise!

My DH and I have had issues since we married 7/8 years ago. We fell pregnant by accident with DC1 and then during a good patch in our marriage had DC2. Both children are still young!

DH probably has untreated MH but isn't willing to get support yet. We have been doing marriage counseling for 2 years.

My husband is from a different country but we met and settled here. Over the past year he has been keen to move back to his home country. But with our marriage so rocky and his home country is both dangerous/little work opportunities I've said no. He's recently told me he is going with or without me and gave me the deadline of 5 years. He's also said it's him moving their or him killing himself.

He will not be able to afford to send CM or see his children again or at least for several years. He is aware of this.

We currently rent a place.

Here is AIBU:

I would never be approved a mortgage by myself nor be able to stay in the area which is where DC1 school is and my support network.

I'm thinking that if I could try and buy something with him before he disappears off ( I'm not planning to legally divorce any time soon) then at least have a more permanent home for DC. I could go back FT soonish once DC2 is at school FT. So probably afford the repayments?

Am I mad? I'm happy for people to tell me otherwise. Feeling so overwhelmed and desperate to damage control over the situation.

So upset for my DC who adore their DF. This whole thing is shit. I desperately try to stay with DH to give DC stability. So please be kind. Sorry for the long message I didn't want to drip feed.

Probably afford the repayments? That should be definitely surely.
I can see why you are considering this, but seems risky to me. What would the legalities be etc? Is he willing?

Wouldn't it be a fraudulent mortgage application?

@PinkiOcelot
Thank you for your reply! He's willing I think. We've not spoken since our last counseling session a few days ago. But I think he would as he's planning to disappear abroad anyway.

Very good point, I should be 100% sure. I would need to find FT work, I currently only work PT as we can't afford the childcare. But I guess I can't gaurentee I would find FT when I need it. It's probably risky.

Would you not risk loosing the house when
you do divorce? I assume he wouldn’t be entitled to half if you have the kids but would you not risk him being entitled to
some of the equity in it if he has no money himself?

What if he decides to divorce you instead?

What would happen when your mortgage term runs out and so you have to remortgage ti get a better rate? He wouldn't be able to do this from abroad. You might find yourself moved to a variable rate that you can't afford and can't change.

Ooh, I never thought of it like that. I definitely wouldn't want to be dishonest.

I guess there is possibility that he might stay so not completely dishonest? but I really don't think I can carry on with the marriage either way.

Where is he from? A lot of first generation immigrants dream of repatriating and so push it on their children (i know). My parents have been talking about it for 30 years but they are still herr! We often talk about moving back but reality is that would be hard/countries often not safe with no work opportunities. What I am trying to say is it unlikely to actually happen if he is from a unstable country.

How much more would your mortgage be than your rent? If not much then yes, I would definitely consideration doing this.

*consider

I’d consider it as rent is extortionate but is he in agreement and even if he is, you know one day he will want his half….

Get legal advice, could something be drawn up? I have no idea!

I’m sorry your all going through this, 💐

Thank you for all your replies. You are all making good points. I appreciate the patience with me, I'm probably not thinking straight!

@YellowHpok I'm guess I'm being hopeful that once the remortgage time comes around that I might be in a better place money wise. But I really might not.

@SinaraSmith I'd be surprised as I'm the one to sort all of our admin/bills even applied for jobs for him. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't suddenly do it! I'm guessing if he did I would have to sell and be back at square one?

I'm confused. On divorce the mortgage will have to revert to you and therefore there will be an assessment if you can afford it and then the terms, rate etc.

So if you can afford a mortgage on your own then do it. But if you need him then you will simply buy a house and need to sell it, and incur all the costs in doing so

So you would be open and honest with him that this was your plan?

And I don't get what the plan is? He would be on the deeds? So get half the house when you sell?

And how would you buy out his half of the house?

@Hunderland @Suzi888 the rent around this area is so high! This is part of my thinking too. I probably do need to seek legal advice, just not sure where to start.
@Somanyquestions1984 unfortunately, it's probably too outing to say which country. It's very reassuring though to hear your view. We will definitely not stay together. But if he would stay in the country it would save a lot of heartbreak for DC who deserve so much more than that abandonment.

Just wish there was a simple answer to solve all this. Gutted.

If you can make the figures work financially, and protect it from your husband once he moves overseas and stops any payment then I would go for it - for the sake of the stability. Good luck!

Do you have a substantial deposit saved?

Could you move someone much smaller for a while to save up?

Would it be worth getting settled into a less expensive area that you can afford as a single parent sooner rather than later to minimise the impact on the children at an older age - like having to move schools when they are older and have more established networks of their own?

I'd be worried about what happens in 10 years time when you divorce or sell the property. He would be entitled to half a house that you will be 100% paying for?

@Dishwashersaurous unfortunately, I won't be lent enough on my own. Hence me clutching at straws. I'm not planning to legally divorce any time soon but I guess eventually we would and I would be gutted that he would get half of what I had worked so hard to pay off alone.

@LightningAndRainbows yes, I've vaguely said something about it straight after our counseling session. But I was a bit of an emotional mess. Yes he would be on the deeds.

This plan is looking more and more unrealistic. Renting around is also going to be very unrealistic too. But perhaps I should see what I would be entitled to help me?

but if you can't get a mortgage by yourself then how would you afford to repay it by yourself?

Sorry but this doesn't make sense.

I get that you want to buy a house but this plan isn't sensible.

You can apply for a joint mortgage if you are actually together and it would be based on your finances now.If you were divorced he would be entitled, as a starting point, to 50% of everything including, on a different subject, any pensions you both have. If you weren't divorced he just left and you could carry on paying the mortgage then you can BUT he will continue to be entitled to that 50% at some point. I would suggest you asked a financial advisor 'hypotheticaly'

Surely buying a home in an area where you can afford the repayments on your own wage in the future would make sense.
If you build up equity now from repayments and possibly value increase you would at least either have a home if you didn't have to move out or some money for a deposit for a place for yourself and DC.
At least if he does go abroad you will have something that is legally tied to you and your DC.