To buy a home with DH before we divorce?

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NC for this as it's all very outing.

This is very similar to another thread on here but I am a different person, promise!

My DH and I have had issues since we married 7/8 years ago. We fell pregnant by accident with DC1 and then during a good patch in our marriage had DC2. Both children are still young!

DH probably has untreated MH but isn't willing to get support yet. We have been doing marriage counseling for 2 years.

My husband is from a different country but we met and settled here. Over the past year he has been keen to move back to his home country. But with our marriage so rocky and his home country is both dangerous/little work opportunities I've said no. He's recently told me he is going with or without me and gave me the deadline of 5 years. He's also said it's him moving their or him killing himself.

He will not be able to afford to send CM or see his children again or at least for several years. He is aware of this.

We currently rent a place.

Here is AIBU:

I would never be approved a mortgage by myself nor be able to stay in the area which is where DC1 school is and my support network.

I'm thinking that if I could try and buy something with him before he disappears off ( I'm not planning to legally divorce any time soon) then at least have a more permanent home for DC. I could go back FT soonish once DC2 is at school FT. So probably afford the repayments?

Am I mad? I'm happy for people to tell me otherwise. Feeling so overwhelmed and desperate to damage control over the situation.

So upset for my DC who adore their DF. This whole thing is shit. I desperately try to stay with DH to give DC stability. So please be kind. Sorry for the long message I didn't want to drip feed.

I currently based in London which often means very high rent, we would definitely be paying less monthly for a mortgage. But you're right, I'm not FT at the moment so I would not be able to pay it alone til then and still wouldn't be remortgage based on my own wage due to prices around here.

Sounds so silly but I hadn't thought about what would happen when I sell. But of course he would be entitled which would be grossly unfair. This isn't a sensible plan at all.

I could probably afford a mortgage elsewhere with my job FT. We've been saving a deposit for sometime. It's not a large one but something at least. Just scary to get divorced, new job, move away from all my family/friends and I don't drive (epp).

One of DC is mildly SEN so needs some extra TLC. But still I might need to consider moving out and starting again. Anyone else done this? Any advice?

So angry that he's put us in this position.

I think that you need to stop thinking about buying a house which is a distraction.

Instead you need to think about life as a single parent and what you want.

And sit down and talk to him seriously about what he is going to do. He cannot just decide not to parent and not have any financial responsibility for his children.

So if he does move and wants to divorce then he needs to have a serious plan about how he will support his children.

My cousin did this 30 years ago - she's paid off the mortgage now. Not sure the details of it though so not very useful info for you, sorry 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'd do it in a heartbeat - you're only working PT presumably because of the kids you have together? Whether you're together or not your DH would want your children to have a home wouldn't he? For me it would depend on the difference between mortgage/rent payments - if it's about the same I'd do it, even if it meant giving him 50% of the equity in 10 years time. 50% of something is better than 100% of nothing which is what you'll have if you rent for those 10 years.

I wouldn't do it to rip him off though; I'd suggest it as in investment for you both, and your children - whether you're together or not. You really need to be sure that you can definitely afford the repayments though - don't do it with a probably.

Saying all that, there's probably a zillion pitfalls I haven't considered so don't listen to me and if he's in any way abusive I wouldn't consider it at all.

Could you look at shared ownership even doing that now as a couple?

I would certainly look into doing this. If say you were to divorce in the future and he was to go back to his home country, it might be possible to get a larger share of the house in lieu of child maintenance as it's unlikely you will be able to get it inforced if he is in another country.

Definitely do this if you can. A stable home is undoubtedly much better for your children. There are only a few times in life when opportunities like this present themselves. You would need to decide to work full time, and separately you would need an agreement with your husband so that he can't force a sale whilst the children are under 18.

I really appreciate everyone's input. It's helpful hearing different views and pitfalls I've not considered.

Shared ownership might be a good option!

Good point about better splitting 50% on something than me paying out and getting nothing.

@Dishwashersaurous I do agree though that I need to sit down and talk with DH. He's not the most reasonable person though. This house talk could be me trying to avoid thinking about how I'll manage single parenthood.

I've been thinking about this.

One potential option could be to draw up a legal agreement that if one party leave the country permanently then they agree to forfeit their rights to the property.

You need to be both be crystal clear about what is the plan.

That you buy now, then in five years he leaves and transfers the house to you without any call on it.

The fact that you say that he's not a reason person is the thing that makes me worry about this as a plan for you though.

If it’s likely you’ll end up as a single parent with no support from your husband, wouldn’t renting be better?
as in you’ll get financial help in the way of universal credits if you are renting but would you get any help or you have a mortgage?
I would check out that scenario as well.
you need to look at budgets. How much everything comes to renting and mortgage abs then be realistic about what you can earn and if you think you might need/be entitled to any benefits.

You need to be focused on getting your wage to a point where the bank would be happy for you to take on the debt.

When I split from my ex, I was working PT and had to claim UC to get by. I worked my arse off to get a full time job and the ex agreed for me to buy him out (more complex than that, but that's the gist). I went through affordability checks and had to add a few grand to the pot before the bank would approve me, but they did. We had been living there for 5 years before the mortgage transfer, so we had some equity built up as well, which made it easier for me to take it on with one wage (a decent one, but not massive either).

So I suppose I've done what you're proposing, but not planned in advance, just scrambling to keep a roof over our heads. Thankfully it worked out.

What happens if he buggers off and disappears and you don't know where he is.
You would never be able to remortgage or sell or do anything with the property without him. You'd be stuck which could cause you problems in the future.
Think about any fixed term coming to an end and you can't change mortgage so it goes sky high.
What happens if an amazing opportunity comes up and you want to sell. And you don't know where he is.
What an arsehole

Would your husband be on board with this, as a plan to have a decent home for the children? Would he agree to financially forfeit any entitlement? Presumably it's cost neutral for him at this point as mortgage repayments would be less than rental payments. That said, I think if you can prove that he was overseas and not financially contributing, on divorce he would only be entitled to the proportion he contributed to.

I think the people advising you against this are talking nonsense - no one can predict the future and he may stay and this is the correct course for your and your family, at this point in time. Buying gives you security and somewhere to live post retirement, if you can make it work.

You do want to think about being able to afford a mortgage (or rent actually), in your current area, if you do become a single parent. This will help you feel more organised and secure. If this would be impossible, (ie your salary, plus benefits, wouldn't cover rent), know what your back up plan is, and maybe start planning for it now. Can you relocate to a cheaper area? Somewhere nice? What would be the best age to move your kids? Get a cheaper mortgage now in the cheaper area? I hate moving but there are always nice areas at various price points if you do your research. What area of London are you in now? How old are your kids?

I'm guessing you feel pretty desperate now but there are solutions for you, and you will feel much more secure once you have a plan ahead of you. Good luck with it all

Regardless of when you plan to divorce, when you do get around to it, your dh will be entitled to a % of any equity in the house, so unless you can buy him out at a later date, you may end up losing the house as you'll have to sell it, or remortgaging to buy him out and 'double paying' for a part of the house

If he's not a reasonable man then you'd be paying the mortgage and he'd take half when it's paid off. That would be madness.

@Dishwashersaurous a lot of people are in this position. My friend rents and wants to buy, she's been renting for 8 years without ever missing a payment, her mortgage would be lower than rent, but because the 'computer says no' when it's comes to a mortgage application, on their affords calculations, they won't give her a mortgage.

You could end up with you paying a mortgage and him legally entitled to the proceeds.

I would say get divorced before he leaves so you can move on with your life.

I would concentrate on ensuring you have a career with potential for advancement by the time he leaves.

Right now maybe, with rates on average under 2%. What if they go up to 4? Or 7? Or higher?

How is it fraudulent, they are actually married,. Mortgage applications don't have to be made by people in happy marriages only. My concern would be you paying off the mortgage alone OP then him swanning in to claim his share.

Wouldn't it be better to get a FT job before your DH disappears to another country ?

To buy you will need money for a deposit, moving costs, survey, solicitor fees, mortgage arrangement fee, other costs, emergency costs etc Have you factored these into your budget ?

I'm not sure why he'd agree to be liable for the mortgage on a house he doesn't live in, when he's in a country that he won't have the money to pay for it.

Equally, I'm not sure why you'd want him in a mortgage that you're paying when your ultimate divorce will allow him a percentage of that asset.

I understand that you want a secure home for your children, but this sounds like it has disaster written all over it, sorry.

If your DH is thinking of moving to another country

Why does he think that he cannot even spare £5 a week to send to help pay for his children ?

Why does he think that it is OK to leave all the childcare/responsibilitimy to you ?

Why did he have children with you ?

Why can't he man up ?

Surely it would be better to move to somewhere you can afford to be a single parent, rent whilst working full time and saving money, and then buy a home. Otherwise you aren't building a future for your family, you're paying towards something he'll be entitled to half of, never mind the ongoing issues with mortgages. As a single parent you will be in a hugely vulnerable position with a mortgage. There's no help in the form of benefits to pay a mortgage if you lose your job or are unable to work.