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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After the third time of asking I shouted

62 replies

RightThenWhatNext · 01/05/2022 16:53

At the kids (8 and 10) for not picking up clothes from the floor. I asked three times (space of 20 mins) really nicely, gently, but there was STILL a screwed up pair of joggers on the floor, that I’d pointed to one of my early requests.

I saw red and shouted and cancelled dessert (we’ve had an early dinner today).

I’ve got a stinking cold today, my patience is thin. I was proud I’d got to three asks and had had kept my cool tbh. The fourth time I could not.

My DM was/is a shouty narc and would stomp about raging and I caught glimpses of her in me then. But I genuinely don’t know how to handle such things in any other way, and no idea of what constitutes normal. DH comes from a family where confrontation is to be avoided at all costs and thinks I needed to chill out <<helpful>>.

Is shouting by the 4th ask unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
RightThenWhatNext · 01/05/2022 16:54

Poxy joggers.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 01/05/2022 16:58

Shouting’s not great but it happens. I don’t agree with the cancelling of desert though, it just drags out a fairly minor low point.

LittleOwl153 · 01/05/2022 16:58

I don't know what is 'appropriate'but I don't thinknid have got to 4th time of asking before shouting. Kids clothes everywhere here too...

DrBrennerFan · 01/05/2022 16:59

About time they learnt to do things when asked I don’t blame you.

KaraVanPark · 01/05/2022 16:59

Wait for the tirade form mums that never raise their voice!
ita done, it’s over. It obviously affected you. If you feel terrible then look for other ways to get the kids to do something. We all get rattled at times

chisanunian · 01/05/2022 17:04

I always used to tell them I was going to count to three. I rarely got past two. No idea what they thought would happen if I got to three!!!

Pixiedust1234 · 01/05/2022 17:05

Don't beat yourself up about it. It will probably happen again as they aren't teenagers yet. Why do you think so many women drink wine in the evening?

TheAverageUser · 01/05/2022 17:06

Could just be the same but non confrontational like i notice you still haven't picked up the joggers, this is going to take so long we won't have time for dessert. Or i notice you still haven't picked up the joggers and leave silence for them to explain.

Ululavit · 01/05/2022 17:07

I would usually ask twice nicely, third time sharply (not shouting) and fourth time would have a consequence. If I was doing well, I’d warn them after the second time
that I was about to use my cross voice, and that I was not planning to switch on the TV / cook supper / something else they wanted until the task was done.

But we all lose our temper sometimes - as long as you don’t make a habit of it, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

PurpleDinosaurpark · 01/05/2022 17:09

I can be frequently heard shouting ' pick your shit up it's not my job to clean up after you '. Also around 8.25 am 'SHOES!!'. Don't feel bad & eat the dessert

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/05/2022 17:12

You're human, this really isn't end of the world! They are old enough to be able to follow a simple instruction. I'd maybe go down the route of 'if those aren't picked up by the time i count to 5 no desert ' then they have been warned what the consequences will be.

ChiselandBits · 01/05/2022 17:16

When did it become a bad thing to show kids of this age (not babies and toddlers) that their behaviour can make others sad / unhappy / cross? Mine are a couple of years older and I lose it with them fairly regularly because they can be so utterly self absorbed and selfish. Any request to do any kind of chore is met with whining and "why should I have to"? I am single parent and am fucked if I am doing it all, alongside working full time, without so much as them picking up their towel or taking their washing upstairs or emptying the dishwasher. I march straight to whichever screen they are on and turn it off, or turn off the wifi and block their phones on google family until a) the chore is done and b) they come and explain why they think I am so cross. The fact that I have to keep doing it isn't heartening - I think its a marathon not a sprint but I'm not going softly softly. Ultimately, my house is not a democracy and if they want clean clothes, meals cooked, a nice environment and wifi, they need to do some bare minimum chores. Don't apologise or feel bad - we are way too quick to hand power to kids who are too young to cope with it. They need to know that you mean business.

SirChenjins · 01/05/2022 17:20

Unless you’re shouting and screaming at them from dawn till dusk the odd shout at them when they’re not doing as they’ve been told umpteen times will do them no harm whatsoever.

Not sure I’d cancelled dessert though Grin

NamechangeFML · 01/05/2022 17:21

DM screamed all her days and we still didn't listen haha. We just tuned her out.
i rarely shout now but will if im provoked enough!
well done in the desert ban-if it works, and you stick to it-youll have something to use to save you yelling
( its not for the kids, the not-yelling, its for me as i hate the energy that goes into it!)
stick to your guns!

TheGlitterati · 01/05/2022 17:31

I did the same yesterday for the same reason. Absolutely lost it and raged about how I have to ask repeatedly and nothing happens until I shout so shall I just shout anyway…

I wish I knew the answer.

MarvellousMay · 01/05/2022 17:33

Please don’t use food as a punishment or reward.

Branleuse · 01/05/2022 17:34

TheAverageUser · 01/05/2022 17:06

Could just be the same but non confrontational like i notice you still haven't picked up the joggers, this is going to take so long we won't have time for dessert. Or i notice you still haven't picked up the joggers and leave silence for them to explain.

I think that strategy stopped working for mine years ago

Namechangeonemillion · 01/05/2022 17:38

80/20 rule. If you are not shouting most of the time it’s fine.

Could be a good opportunity to model self reflection and apologising though. When all is calm you could say ‘sorry I shouted at you earlier. Were you ok? I’d much rather not shout. I’m feeling rough and I’d already asked you to pick your clothes up 3 times. Please can you try really hard to XYZ and I’ll try really hard not to shout.’

DisappearingGirl · 01/05/2022 17:38

Sounds completely normal to me OP!!!

user1471457751 · 01/05/2022 17:39

Had they ignored you or did they just miss this one item of clothing but tidy everything else?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/05/2022 17:45

They are 8 and 10. Shouting occasionally is not going to do them any harm at all and is probably far more effective than a wishy-washy I notice you haven't picked up the joggers, which is easy to ignore or respond with a smart arsed answer like well spotted or correct.

hiredandsqueak · 01/05/2022 17:56

The reason I kept a laundry basket of unpaired socks tbh. It would go something like this
"pick your stuff up off the floor" no response
"pick your stuff up off the floor" no response
"if the floor isn't clear by the time I've counted to ten you get to pair the socks" mad scramble to clear the floor.
I kept that basket for years, I never threw out out grown socks just left them in the basket. Periodically one of them would annoy me enough and would have to pair them all and then as they were worn they would get thrown clean in the laundry basket unpaired.

butterpuffed · 01/05/2022 17:57

Namechangeonemillion · 01/05/2022 17:38

80/20 rule. If you are not shouting most of the time it’s fine.

Could be a good opportunity to model self reflection and apologising though. When all is calm you could say ‘sorry I shouted at you earlier. Were you ok? I’d much rather not shout. I’m feeling rough and I’d already asked you to pick your clothes up 3 times. Please can you try really hard to XYZ and I’ll try really hard not to shout.’

Who is the parent and who are the children........why on earth should OP try to appease them when she hasn't done anything wrong.

LetitiaLeghorn · 01/05/2022 17:58

The eldest is ten and this is the first time you've ever shouted at them? 😲

Bluetrews25 · 01/05/2022 17:59

Don't beat yourself up.
Next time you could always say 'no pudding until xyz is done/put away. Come on!'

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