After the third time of asking I shouted

[RightThenWhatNext]

At the kids (8 and 10) for not picking up clothes from the floor. I asked three times (space of 20 mins) really nicely, gently, but there was STILL a screwed up pair of joggers on the floor, that I’d pointed to one of my early requests.

I saw red and shouted and cancelled dessert (we’ve had an early dinner today).

I’ve got a stinking cold today, my patience is thin. I was proud I’d got to three asks and had had kept my cool tbh. The fourth time I could not.

My DM was/is a shouty narc and would stomp about raging and I caught glimpses of her in me then. But I genuinely don’t know how to handle such things in any other way, and no idea of what constitutes normal. DH comes from a family where confrontation is to be avoided at all costs and thinks I needed to chill out <<helpful>>.

Is shouting by the 4th ask unreasonable?

I would also ask sharply in between asking nicely and shouting, just to alert them that the shouting is coming if they don't comply.

Otherwise fine. Children need to know that actions have consequences (including making their parents/ teachers cross with them).

Pick your battles

I don't think shouting is an issue, assuming you weren't swearing and threatening them.

I wouldn't use food as a reward/ punishment tho

Why did they need picking up that instant? We're the kids doing anything while you were asking? I think asking 3 times in 20 minutes is a lot and not really giving them chance to finish what they were doing. I wouldn't expect my husband to do something the instant I asked and I would be pissed off if I'd left something out and he asked me 3 times in 20 minutes to move it tbh.

They are 8 and 10, I think they’ll be fine. I wouldn’t be modelling an apologetic attitude to them either.

I would tell them that I don’t appreciate being pushed to having to raise my voice and next time do what you’re asked first time please.

I used to shout with not much success when my boys took forever to do anything, particularly for the morning school run

Something I tried which worked for the novelty factor for a while was drawing on cards visual instructions: eat breakfast, get dressed, walk downstairs.
Then I could just wave them in front of their faces to gain their attention and not lose my voice

This

Save your voice. Bin bag in hand, 5 minute warning to pick up or everything on the floor goes. You’ll only have to carry it out once.

I feel like you are being way too sensitive. They will have forgotten about it already. And so what if you shouted, as long as you weren’t aggressive and threatening to the point they would be scared then there’s no issue. It’s not like you are screaming at them every day

Arg…that came across passive aggressive. I was trying to say, give yourself a break. It’s no biggie lol

This. I just don't get all the 'apologise to your children' business. Sometimes they deserve to be shouted at. Such as when you've asked 3 times already.

No one gets it right all of the time. Shouting, like smacking/hitting is a loss of control on the adults behalf, it's got nothing to do with the children.

Sit them down, explain that you're not feeling well and you made a mistake by shouting. Apologise, I'm sure they'll forgive you then have a late dessert together.

Bloody hell, some of the responses on here are incredible " could be a good opportunity to model self reflection" !!!! No wonder many children these days can't cope with the slightest negative emotion. Christ how the hell are they all going to cope in the adult world.

Like this approach. Have to dig deep to remember to use it sometimes though!

Do not apologise, they’ll take the piss even more 😂😂

The thing is, it's not really hard for the kids to pick up their clothes. They should be doing it, and at 8 and 10 they are old enough to understand that it makes adults cross if they don't.

I also prefer consequences to yelling, but getting cross occasionally will not do them any harm and will help them to realise that you have feelings too.

With the tolerance and sensitivity modelled to them by their parents?

Meh. Don't beat yourself up and don't apologise. They are old enough to know that when you ask them to do something, you expect it to be done. Not getting dessert is a consequence of that.
If they want you to do things - cook, clean, make desserts - they have to do things too.

But now you need to make it clear; you will ask once, then things go in a bin bag, and then they go in the bin if they haven't been put away by bin day.

It depends how you shouted. Raised voice, sounding really annoyed, is fine. Really bellowing so that it's scary, too much. I wouldn't apologise unless you really were frightening, just have a chat when you're feeling calmer about doing things when they're asked.

As a PP says, I think the counting to five / ten is far more effective than giving them "three strikes and your out" over 20 minutes.

"I'm going to count to ten and if you two haven't tidied up all the clothes off the floor by then you won't be having any dessert tonight. "

It's quicker, more direct, and they immediately know the consequences if they don't.

Or if you want more of a carrot than stick approach -

"I've got a special surprise dessert for tonight, but you're only getting it if you pick up all your clothes off the floor. I'm coming to check in five minutes. If it's not sorted, then no dessert."

Both the same really but you'll know which will work best with your DCs.

I don't know if this would work for you but I find just keep on asking over and over again doesn't work as it just becomes background noise. So I would ask once then get on with something else i.e not hover waiting for them to do it. Then I would issue a friendly reminder if not done. Then I would help them to do it. I don't personally believe in punishments so wouldn't have done that. But don't beat yourself up - none of us are perfect and you could have done much worse!

😀😀another post with op asking if they wbu then sentences justifying their behaviour before anyone answers..😂

Thanks all.

Deffo not the first time I’ve shouted. DH heard the tail end and thought I was being harsh, which prompted me to post. He thinks it’s more reasonable to stay with them and make sure it’s done. Supervise rather than demand. I was happier to do that when they were little but 10 years in to parenting and I don’t feel I should have to stand there until a basic job is done. Though actually it turns out that I do….

Repeat repeat repeat. I know it’s this but by fuck it’s tedious.

but then it just makes it your job still. At 8 and 10 they absolutely can do a task like that without being stood voer, they are just choosing not too. And "tolerance and sensitivity" is absolutely required when they are having a tricky emotional time about something. When its about not being a lazy selfish sod who won't pick up their socks after 3x asking, not so much. Who cares what else they were doing? It can be paused, put down, walked away from for the 30 seconds it will take to do the thing they should have just done in the first place.

Your kids aren’t going to end up in therapy because you shouted at them after they ignored you multiple times when you asked them to do a simple task. You are not your mother and you have no reason to feel guilty.